To anyone else who wants to tell Rose or myself not to get excited, that 4 weeks is early days, that half of all pregnancies this young are lost, and that we shouldn’t share about it until we’re further along, I have this to say: it’s probably a wise idea not to be standing in the same room as me when you plan on doing this. Seriously.
It does not hurt less when you don’t talk about it. (it does hurt less if people are less full of crap) It does not hurt less if you’ve tried really hard not to be excited first. It does not hurt less if you know all of the nasty statistics. You are welcome to navigate sharing, openness, and excitement however you want to. This is our way. Consider yourself warned.
We’re pregnant, third month of trying. We’re thrilled! We’re hopeful. We’re painfully aware of the possibility this will be a 7th loss. Doing the pregnancy test was, frankly, an act of courage, because it’s hard to do something you know will break your lover’s heart a little bit more. You have to wait three minutes for it to tell you results. I left it on a bench with a timer and wandered out of the room – Rose found it and told me, a delightful reversal of the usual roles.
I have a teeny little thing inside me that’s trying to grow into a person! So far health wise I’m okay. The sinus infection is more of a problem than the pregnancy.
We wouldn’t be here without Rose. I was never prepared to be a single Mum with my health issues, and I’d been told that with endo, 30 was my cut off to start trying. As 30 approached and I was single, closeted, and wrangling with a complicated life and head space, I let go of the dream that I would be a Mum. I borrowed books on infertility and started to mourn. Then this beautiful, smart, vivacious lady came into my life, with 6 losses behind her and a burning desire to be a Mama. Two and a half years of building a relationship, getting engaged, moving in, sorting out jobs and head spaces and life together and what feels like about 50 cats, and here we are. In with a chance at turning our lives upside down and inside out. Hoping like hell this one sticks.