It’s been a funny few days. Up and down and bumpy. I’m finding the mornings are very hard, my pain levels are high and I’m fragile and feeling stressed. By evening most days I’ve settled and feel more centred. But it’s not inevitable. If I can’t find some peace in what I’m wrestling with, the whole day is given over to anxiety and distress.
Tonight I feel very calm. It feels like I’ve been hijacked recently, drawn by deep forces and pressed into powerful roles, roles with deep roots in memory and history. I’ve fought them but that entangled me further. In accepting them I’ve found a way to embrace them and step outside of them. It feels like climbing out of the rapids after a short, fast tumble through the white water.
I find thoughts surfacing and going back under without needing to be said or acted upon. Feelings arise and are accepted as gifts without being favoured or hated. I re read my posts about crisis mode on this blog and find them helpful. Mentally, I wrote myself signs to remind me: ‘Check in with yourself – how do you feel?’ and ‘Get out of crisis mode’ and ‘being human is beautiful’. I walked away from the crazy making pressure I’d been putting myself under and found life was much better without it.