While lying in bed the other night thinking about the universe, I finally thought of an ending for a novel I’ve been wanting to write for many years. I started a new draft seriously last year and put together the first 8,000 words in a few weeks, but illness and caring demands put a stop to the project.

I came up with the novel idea back when I was 15 and I’ve never really been able to end it, but now it’s all fallen into place. It’s so obvious I don’t know why it took me so long to think of it.

I’m going to get to this again. I’m not sure when, at some point it will click internally and be the right time and flow easily. I’ve learned not to force things, I stay with the projects that feel right now and let the others brew. It’s time will come. Here’s an extract for you, it’s about a girl called Leonie, who’s uncle Eric has just died.

She gets home wet and cold and sits in a hot bath for awhile pretending she doesn’t have any homework, doesn’t have to eat tea, and doesn’t have a funeral tomorrow. She spends most of the evening on a geography assignment that makes her brain feel like mud. Her mother bounces around the house, talking loudly and then playing music. When Alistair gets home from cricket, he’s loud too. Neither of them can sit still for long or speak quietly. Leonie and her father are the quiet ones. She closes her door and puts music on her mp3 player to drown it all out. Her music seems inadequate today, she thinks to herself for the first time that she doesn’t own anything sad enough, or angry enough. Nothing to play for those feelings. It never occurred to her before. She gets half of the assignment done, although it took her twice as long as it usually would and left her feeling drained. She turns off her music and can hear the television running, and her mother talking on the phone. It sounds like she’s talking to her sister, Auntie Elsie. She talks about her job and the trouble she’s having with one of the other real estate agents at her office. When she laughs it is loud and sharp. Leonie feels worse now, restless and agitated. It’s dark outside and the rain has stopped. She closes her curtains upon the black mirror of her window. She wants to go somewhere but there’s nowhere to go at this hour. She curls up on her floor and hugs her knees to her chest. In the mirror in her wardrobe door she looks small, like a sad child. She reaches out with one hand and pushes it closed. She’s angry with herself for feeling like this, for being disrupted when no one else is.

The light through her curtains is pale. Inside her room shadows lie half hidden beneath the furniture, black and soft under the bed, behind her dresser. Under her closed door falls a sharp slice of white light. Leonie sits under the window, she presses her face against the cold wall. Her mind is empty and dark. Everything hurts but she doesn’t feel any pain. She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against her dresser where it meets the wall. She inhales shadows. In her mind, Eric is playing his violin. She is looking up at him, light behind him, the frangipani tree visible through his window. His arm swings as he plays. He’s not looking at her. She can’t hear the music, just the memory of the light being shattered through his arms. She wants to disappear. The thought of facing another day is a great weight upon her. Something has to change, it can’t all just be the same.

She pushes the dresser away from the wall and watches the shadow shrink away from her. The wall is bare and white. She wishes for a stupid moment that she could hide behind it. She takes a pencil from her desk and writes on the wall, in tiny letters down by the skirting board.

Eric was here

She takes a breath. The weight on her eases a little. The darkness in her chest goes back to sleep. She looks at the words for a long time. Then she pushes the dresser back against the wall and gets ready for bed. Shower, brushing teeth, saying goodnight, getting a glass of milk from the fridge. She notices all her uneaten dinners stacking up at the back of the shelves. She puts it out of her mind and goes to bed.