Well, it’s been a strange couple of days. My head has kind of turned inside out and life has become very surreal. I take Charlie for walks but he struggles to walk in straight line and is desperate to circle clockwise instead. If I try to stop him, he just chokes himself tugging against the lead. We have this little system going where he circles around me as I change the lead from hand to hand. Crossing a road is rather interesting, and he now walks about 5 metres for every 1 metre forward. We make a bit of a sight. He still loves sniffing and piddling on all the shrubs so life is not entirely without its rewards.

I’ve also been taking him on car trips which used to be incredibly exciting but now not quite so much. When it’s warm enough to run the fan he still loves the air in his face. We can’t do too many walks so I’m trying to find other good things to do. The best I’ve come up with do far is being allowed up on the couch to watch a movie with me. So we are doing a lot of that.

I really wanted to take some off to spend with him and give him lots of attention, but its also feeding into some really confused thinking. I remember reading once about how suddenly bring treated extra nicely can be a warning sign someone’s having an affair, and it keeps going through my head. I feel like I’m betraying him, and deceiving him into the bargain. Like, be really worried if Sarah suddenly gives you lots of treats, she’s actually planning terrible things. Oh, and that my choices to do voluntary work I really believe in rather than paid work have actually all been selfish and if I hadn’t been so self indulgent I would have more money for treatment and wouldn’t have to kill my dog. Strange how your thinking mixes up under stress.

Still, I’m grateful for the time. He so deserves the love and attention, he’s such a sweet little chap. When I manage to surface from the overwhelming guilt (I’m a terrible pet owner, I’m missing classes, I’m letting my groups/co-workers/friends down, I should have got a real job, walked my dog more, spent more time at home, and so on) I’m actually enjoying spending time with him, lying on the grass in the park, curling up on the couch, watching him loll his tongue as the car fan blows into his face. It’s sweet. Love him to bits.