Monday’s have been extremely nasty lately, today I started with a shrink appointment at 8.30am, ran off to the Microbusiness course which went from 9.30am to 4pm, then off to Digital Media at 5 – 8.30pm. I hung in there pretty well but right now I feel pretty horrific. This is not being improved by my 9.30am microbusiness class on tomorrow and wed, or the dentist appointment looming tomorrow afternoon.

On the upside, the microbusiness cert is almost at end, so this is the last of these horrific Mondays!

I had a busy weekend with 2 face painting gigs that went really well – I’m having to mix around my weeks and make sure I take some off in the middle of the week as my weekends are becoming work time instead of rest. Last week I took a couple of days off as I’ve had homebody parts out a lot more lately and they had a good time doing gardening and cleaning the house and whatnot. The sparky distressed space we’ve been struggling with where the house feels like a trap rather than a home has settled down as a result which is lovely. There’s been baking and cleaning and the front and back lawns are mowed and the dining table and kitchen are clear, clothes washed and put away, the studio tidied and cleaned out…

There’s even been some art happening lately. That’s just awesome.

And I bought a car! It’s been on my to do list for a couple of months and finally, with prompting and hand holding from Rose, pulled it off. It’s a gorgeous red Suzuki Vitara and I love it. It needs some attention from a mechanic so I’m currently saving for that – nothing serious, just new tires and whatnot. But finally, a lovely reliable vehicle to go camping in and take me around to face painting gigs… It was unbelievably stressful to do and handling the amount of money in cash amped my dissociation and panic levels to pretty spectacular for about a week… But it’s settled now and I’m really happy with my decision.

So much happening lately… doing some very serious, rather fun, and definitely anxiety provoking thinking about my life and what I want to happen over the next few years… Trying to keep a lot of balls in the air at the moment and with the business taking off it’s getting harder… I’m having to make some tough calls about what I want most and what I’m willing to let go of or cut back on… The dreaming is exciting, there’s a sense of vigor and hope and thrill. Rose and I have been together for almost 7 months now… we’ve weathered some big stresses together and although we have a lot against us, we also have so much going for us. She’s beautiful and I love her. Suddenly doors are opening that I thought were closed, like living with another person again or having a child. Then there’s the other side of dreams, the grinding reality of poverty and mental illness and inadequacy, the bone deep awareness of how the world can catch on fire so easily and all the hopes become ash and the dreams twist into nightmares. The sense of pressure of what I’d need to have ready to be able to believe in those dreams, for emotional stability, financial security of some kind, excellent social connections to support us.

Dreaming big dreams that leave me drained… can’t live too much in the future and leave no time for art or poetry or the night here and now either. (and I want it, and I want it all)

For now, I’m off to bed to sleep or pass out… there’s steel in my heart as I think of a future I’ve worked so hard for, of home and love and friends and days that sing and nights that wash me clean and work I’m proud of, dirt on my knees and laughter on my lips.