I’m in another fibro flare up after a physically and emotionally exhausting week. I’m finally starting to sleep which is great, but it’s the really deep sleep where I basically pass out for a lot of hours, and wake in exactly the same pose I fell asleep in. Because I don’t move around, it makes me very achy. It also tends to be full of intense dreams that wear me out too.
This weekend, I have housework banked up and homework that needs doing and a bored and bouncy dog who needs a run. So far I haven’t made it out of bed because my body aches intensely and my headache is lousy. Looking down hurts my head and neck enough to bring tears to my eyes. I was pulling off the week okay until one of my neighbours made a complaint about me to the Housing people, which meant I had to clip and mow my lawns no matter how bad an idea that was for me physically. It pushed things too far and now I’m waiting to get over it all.
I’m pretty trashed emotionally too. I spent a lot of last night in a teary ball on my girlfriend’s couch, feeling overwhelmed by fear, misery, and self loathing. I’ve been having a difficult week with the drive to self harm pretty intense. When it gets bad like this I tend to find somewhere that feels safe, like in front of the TV, in the bath, or in bed with a book, and park myself there for however many hours it takes to ease off. Thursday evening I watched about 6 hours of TV and DVD’s until I felt safe enough to head off to bed.
So, I’m just hunkering down until the storm passes really. Today I’m managing life in very small doses. I get out of bed and raid the kitchen for breakfast, then come back to bed until my pain level subsides. Then I go for a drink, or shower, or to let the dog in, and back to bed again. It’s kind of the Viking raiding party approach to your day…
There is food, there is sleep, there are friends to pat me on the back and tell me they love me, so it will all pass. Later today when my head has stopped feeling like a watermelon full of spikes perched on a glass stem, I will cautiously head off to Bunnings to buy an outdoor broom to sweep all the lawn clippings off the pavement, and a larger indoor clothes hanger. (I can’t hang washing on my outdoor line as Zoe chews it) If I can get a load of the most urgent dishes and laundry washed, my week will be considerably easier. A shower would be nice too.