Yesterday was kind of weird and a lot of it was difficult. I didn’t get very much sleep the night before. My system sort of imploded in the middle of the night. Things can get really rough if a part is in major distress, even if the rest of us are ok. One of us crashed into some big trauma triggers and went into melt down. We’ve spent most of the day since then trying to contain things. After Bridges, a chance to hang out with my lovely goddaughter and her dad, and a painful talk with Rose which somehow ended reasonably well, (I don’t know how we pull that off sometimes, but I’m incredibly glad that we do)
I’m now in a strange place. I’m physically tired but also kind of wired, happy about the almost tangible memory of Sophie in my arms, frustrated by how short of sleep I’m getting, not a great pain day, lingering anxiety and concern about my messy head, a strange sense of disconnection from myself, like I don’t recognise who I am at all, like I’m a stranger to myself; confusing and unpredictable. It’s unsettling and I don’t like it.
I’ve not been able to see Sophie for several weeks, she’s so beautiful.
If I’m lucky, tomorrow will be easier. There’s so much going on in my head at the moment, the hours where there’s some kind of peace are terribly precious.
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