Moving at a slower pace

My gig yesterday was canceled so I took the day off and Rose and I went up to Hahndorf to wander around, like we’ve been talking about doing for about the last year. It was blissful. Is very unusual for us both to have a day off in the weekend that days and I really enjoyed being able to amble around. That evening I was going to a friend’s pirate themed birthday party, and I want going home beforehand so I wound up meandering around Hahndorf dressed as a pirate. As you do. I had pistachio and rose ice cream.
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Today, I painted a lot of small children at a birthday party, which went well. My skills continue to improve which is gratifying. Every gig I get, I decide to focus on improving a particular skill or design. I’ve been working on my sponging skills lately and learning how to load a sponge with just the right amount of paint, because that can be tricky. I’m making progress.

Reflecting this morning with Rose that all my anxieties about the future come down to a very simple task: make today good. It’s all I have and all I can control. With enough good today’s, I’ll built exactly what I’m hoping for.

I’ve also finally realised that the stress I’ve been under due to housing choices is not my fault. It’s not fair that our public housing system is so clogged up that abusive people maintain housing while neighbours are driven out. It’s not fair that it takes so long to be allocated a house that wanting to try living with my lovely girlfriend is a massive risk. I didn’t do anything wrong, and the risks shouldn’t be this high. It should be okay to test out different housing arrangements, to pursue love, to need extra support for a time, to follow your heart, without risking homelessness and chronic housing stress. I vividly recall watching the lives of the women who were allocated housing from the domestic violence shelter I was once in. All were ecstatic at first. Most lost their housing over time. They went from group housing to being terribly lonely, struggling with neighbours, break ins, and wanting to move in with lovers. Many wound up back on the streets and in shelters again. I swore to myself I would not be one of them. They were treated as stupid, unable to look after themselves, probably borderline. I wanted to be different. But life is not static. I’m not raising a child next to my neighbor. I want to be safe, but I also want to pursue love. The system sucks. That’s not my fault. I can let myself of the hook for being stressed by it. It doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong. It means life is complicated and the supports for someone like me are inadequate. So, what else is new. Today is good. I’ve made kids happy, I’ve hung out with my gorgeous girlfriend. I’ve eaten good food. I’m tired but proud of myself. Later I’m going to shoot things in game. I’ve been promised ice cream. Today is good.

One thought on “Moving at a slower pace

  1. It’s Such a profound realization that your not to blame and the challenges of the (smelly system) and the unjust way the public housing is at present, it is not your fault at all and we are trying to live our lives to the max quality day by day. I find making the most of each precious day keeps me going. thanks for your encouragement you bring through your blog.Sarah.

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