After two hours of sobbing in Rose’s arms down at the beach about all the ways I feel like a failure, I’m home again, showered, and going to bed for a 9am start to college tomorrow. I’m exhausted and my head hurts and my eyes hurt. I really don’t recommend this form of preparation.

But I’m also about 2 tonnes of high expectations and guilt and fear and confusion and self loathing lighter. Not enough to look at myself in a mirror, but enough to eat and drink and let someone say nice things to me, and if I’m very lucky, enough to sleep.