It’s so beautiful here. My arum lily is about to open the first bloom of winter. I love the light in the mornings, it’s soft and golden, slanting in to gild the garden that’s still wet with dew. It’s been a good week. I’ve some peace in my heart, some clarity in my mind. I’ve finally settled again since the gastro-enterologist appointment last month, my mind isn’t full of self loathing, I can eat calmly again. The frenzy passes and the triggers lift like fog. I feel human again.

I have a dish washer! Friends of friends were giving an extra one away and I was lucky enough to snare it. I’ve just weighed it down with bricks and put it in my laundry where my washing machine used to be. I can wash my clothes at the laundromat, but dishes are my bane. I’ve been cooking again, baking banana cakes for lunches, proper meals for dinner, spontaneous desserts, and every night my kitchen is cleaned and packed away. I’m mopping and sweeping and cleaning, my house proud parts are singing. Rose is settling into her job and I’m providing back up support in the way of meals and motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve synchronised my sleep patterns to hers and I’m rebuilding my business to fit to her new 9-5 work hours. We have proper containers and options for lunches every day now. Once we crack the exercise block too, we’re going to feel so much better, I know it.

I sat down to a hot bowl of porridge yesterday morning, and it tasted so bad I figured I was having taste hallucinations again. It turned out, you shouldn’t keep a stick of mettwurst that close to your paper bags of pre made porridge… This morning I’ve made my own from rolled oats on the cook top and finished it off with honey and chopped banana. It tastes like baked camp fire bananas.

Everything is not right. I haven’t been camping for months, I have hours of tax work to do, there’s frustrating blocks and shut downs inside. But I can breathe again, I can see a way through and feel hope and joy, rest a moment and know how blessed my life is, how lucky I am to have Rose and my friends and my home and to be making art.