Life is good. I’ve uncovered a whole new world of things to explore in the work I’ve been doing lately around anxiety and mindfulness. I finally had my paperwork in order enough to take to a tax accountant last week and I’m in track to fix up 5 years of backlog. There’s a lot more work to do but I’m not worried about it. I’m coping fine with days of tax and admin. I’m even enjoying myself. With this area more under control my mind is clearing. I can think straight. I don’t feel burdened by massive guilt and anxiety.
I feel like I’ve got my life back. I’m noticing how I spend time, I’m finding I feel like I have choices again. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that after a hard day, Rose was numbing herself, dreading a week of hiding whatever was going on inside her to manage her job, and I was using my work as displacement activity for my anxiety. We are both struggling with a key skill – how to come down out of a ‘work’ mindset. So last week we both put thought into it. I worked both days this weekend but it didn’t feel like a working weekend. Apart from an unpleasant bout of food poisoning, we had fun. We did other things. I didn’t obsess. We slept in. We watched movies. We treated each other.
I feel less trapped and bound by the adult world. I’m switching more. I sleep well (although often not enough) and wake early, snatching my traditional late night hours of writing and contemplation in the early morning. I feel excited when I wake up, free to choose how I’m going to spend my time. The day is a gift. What a wonderful key this line of thinking has been, the dovetail between things I’m working on about anxiety with my shrink, about making my business work better with my mentor, and about art and identity in college. I feel incredibly blessed. 🙂