I have a date for my surgery now – this Wednesday. They didn’t give us very much notice so I’m scrambling to get everything organised. Yesterday, between my Cert 4 in small business class that morning, and my night class for the Visual Arts degree, I was at the RAH going through several hours of pre-op tests and appointments. It’s exhausting. I’m constantly sick with this sinus infection, my weeks are full of medical tests and specialists appointments, I’m falling behind on all my homework, and the short notice has forced me to let down customers and cancel long standing bookings for work. I hate it when my schedule falls apart like this. 😦 I can’t wait for it all to be over.
It’s not helped by various other things not working. My car isn’t running properly and I need to sell it. My phone is dying and needs replacing. My beloved Rose has her birthday and an anniversary of pregnancy loss this weekend. One of my test results didn’t come back quite normal and I’m now booked to see a gynaecologist after this surgery, with a possible exploratory surgery and biopsy on the cards. I can feel the rest of this year slipping away from me.
So I’m working hard to stay present. I’m asking for help with the things that are wiping me out into massive anxiety, like my car. I’m plodding through the most important admin on my better health days. I’m exploring options to reduce my workload. I’m spending an hour here and there crying hysterically on the couch when it all gets too much. I’m eating and drinking and remembering my meds and touching base with friends and enjoying my pets. I’m not as prepared as I’d like – usually I’d have a bunch of blended soups frozen for recovery, but nothing is going to fall apart either. I have some new movies I’m looking forward to watching, and lots of books to read. Rose is preparing to support us to keep our most hospital friendly part present. We’re talking through the anxiety and sense of helplessness that being a patient in the public system creates. I don’t even know who will be performing the surgery as the surgeon who ordered it will be away. But, curled up at night reading Harry Potter with Rose, or walking with Zoe in the golden sunshine, everything is okay. There are better times ahead, and there are still good times now. Riding it out.