Heartache

Yesterday was really hard. Rose and I are both tired, busy and stressed. Our first scan is in about 13 hours. It’s so important. This is where we find out if there’s a baby in there or if we’ve already lost them, if they’re growing in the right place, if their heart is beating strong, so much rests on it. We’re scared, and trying not to be, so we’re flat and depressed instead.

Admin was horrible. After 6 calls and an hour on hold when my call to welfare dropped partway through I actually screamed in frustration. The college work load is scaring me. I have to keep reminding myself that the assignments are for visual arts students, not english student – they are not nearly as difficult to write! It’s not as hard as I think it’s going to be. The standards are not as high as those I set myself.

Dreaming intensely at the moment. Feeling raw. I’m reading about life with small children – you’re always tired, you never get time to do your hair, forget about finishing the housework, and you permanently smell of soured milk. With the exception of the last one I feel like I’m ready living that! Does that mean it will all get way way worse, or does that make it an easier adjustment? Don’t answer that.

Everything that feels monstrous and impossible now will feel like the smallest of bumps if the scan goes well tomorrow. I know that. I’m just deeply, gut wrenchingly scared. That’s okay. This is what it is. It’s a tightrope or a narrow ledge. I can touch life with one hand and death with the other. We’re used to having a little more room to breathe between them, but this is the road we’ve chosen. Bitter-sweet, painful, beautiful. My heart aches and aches.

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