I’m still here.

It’s really hard to fit words to what has been going on.

Things have been really hard. Nothing feels like it makes any sense. Every day I feel like I’ve fallen off the planet. I work hard at it and most days things settle by nightfall. Whatever answers I think I’ve found, whatever peace or acceptance or path forwards, none of them persist into the next day. I fall off the planet again. Whatever worked yesterday or last week or last year doesn’t work today. Nothing makes sense to me. Everything has fragmented and I’m haunted by a terrifying nihilism.

I went camping. I’ve withdrawn from my online world. I eat, I cry, I write, I distract myself, I sit in the garden, walk the dog, cook, read, focus, talk it out, and clamp my mouth over the yawning darkness in me and sit meekly on the edge of the lives of people who are doing okay right now and kind of bask in their warmth. I remind myself that I’m loved, valued, okay, accepted, and deserve to find some peace. I try not to lean on anyone too hard. Other people try to help me feel something, they talk or listen or make suggestions or help me do things. Take me to the beach, or out for ice cream, or share lunch with me or just reach out. I’m being patient because it’s all I’ve got.

I’m not suicidal or starving or self harming or at risk in any of the conventional senses. I’m not sure what’s wrong. I’m anxious and depressed except not exactly. I’ve got ptsd sort of. I’m kind of grieving. I’m going through an existential crisis, possibly. It’s exhaustion, in a way. It’s regression, somewhat. I don’t know. Nothing exactly fits. All of the above. None of the above.

I’m still alive though. I’m having a really rough time. Crying until you throw up rough.

Most days I also find a place where I’m okay – just okay – or even really okay – contented, happy, settled, baffled. I slip into bed between my love and a cat and my skin is thrilled by the soft feel of the blanket and the warmth of cat and skin and I feel nested and safe and loved.

Every bit of perspective I garner is gone the next sleepless morning when nothing can settle me. My vulnerability is overwhelming. I am scared, confused, angry as hell, exhausted, frustrated, and I want my life back. I’m holding onto one college subject by my fingernails. I sold a beautiful painting and felt for the whole rest of the day that everything was going to be okay and I had a place in the world and things would work out. It’s like I’m living a kind of nightmare groundhog day. I spent savings on fuel to go camping because under the stars is my best psych hospital usually and it was great and it was horrible and I think it helped… I got home to sick pets and bad vet bills and sick Rose and I’m currently on antibiotics for a sinus and tooth infection and just had a root canal re-drilled and packed. The garden is glorious. My system feels like it’s been turned inside out and put back together by a 2 year old. Each day I make some sense of things that feel inherently senseless and find a way to live. Each new day I have to find another path. It’s not leaving me much time to actually live, achieve goals, be useful, get my dishes done, enjoy my life, or even connect with people I care about. Reading calms me down, as does watching movies. Both have clear narratives and they are soothing when I feel like I’m freefalling – things are cogent and march towards conclusions.

I’m determined something will change. I will process what I need to process, grieve what I need to grieve. I’ll let go of each tooth and find some humour in my bewildered sadness, let go of my grief about goals like having better health insurance, savings for tooth replacements, a good paying job. I’ll go hunting for more information and approaches to find something that helps. I’m not giving up – I’ve worked so very hard for this life and I want so much to BE here and be able to feel it and connect and be in it. I don’t know what’s gone wrong but I want to come home.