Team

Second game of baseball last night. For a newbie I did well; helped get someone out, and held my ground batting. Didn’t actually get a good hit in, but I didn’t swing at the dodgy pitches, which takes nerves. I’m proud of myself. It was such a good tonic. My adrenaline was so high during the game my hands were shaking – there’s a fair bit of pressure standing at the plate and wanting to do your team proud. But it’s like it’s retraining my anxiety, because in this context I’m focused, I’m running around, and the rush of adrenaline had a context and a value and a chance to wash out after the game. So different to the chronic stress I’ve been going through. I’m hopeful it’s helping, at the very least I’m really enjoying it and it’s a welcome break from my own thoughts and fears.

I love my team. There are some more experienced players but many of us are new. We cheer each other on, there’s always someone around to ask about weird rules I don’t understand. I don’t feel like I’m letting anyone down just because I’m inexperienced, they cheer for small successes and improvements. I love being part of it. They’ve nicknamed me Dreads.

I have a sense that the connection I get sometimes when gaming with another person, where we’re in sync and supporting each other and completely focused because the task needs all our concentration – that thrilling sense of being part of something greater that moves fluidly as a single entity, almost a dissolving of self… I think that can happen in a brilliant sports team too, where the mood starts to homogenise and the goals are unified and the focus is present and it draws all these different people in together to be part of a whole. It’s intoxicating. I’d love to experience it in that capacity.

I love Rose, too, she’s on my team and did really well under pressure, hit a great ball into the outfield and ran around the bases. She’s asleep on my left arm at the moment. She’s been back at work since the ptsd like a trooper. She’s made radical changes in her life lately; taking up gym, starting the new childcare course next week. It’s inspiring. And she’s unfailingly kind to me when I’m vulnerable,which has been a lot of the time lately. We’re a good team.

Today we’re both going to my first ever acupuncture appointment, which given that it involves needles I’m nervous about. However I’ve been coping pretty well with my phobia lately so I’m hopeful I’m manage it. It’s supposed to help with maintaining a pregnancy, assuming there’s no severe genetic problems. Our important scan is going to happen right around Christmas, which could be tough if it’s not good again. I find myself hoping things will end quickly if they’re not going to last, less time to fall in love, less time to reset my body back to being ready to try again. But maybe we’ll get lucky. I keep having strange dreams where I give birth without warning in weird places like public parks or toilets. In the meantime it’s the brightest of talismans, the most shining symbol of hope, and Rose and I whisper it back and forth to each other – I’m pregnant.

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