I thought I was doing someone a favour this morning but I think it backfired. It turns out that nervous student on first day of placement + very hot weather + morning sickness is a recipe for vomiting, nearly fainting, and somewhat traumatising all involved. There was a lot of fluster. Sensible instructions like “don’t just feel for the vein and then get the needle and poke it in, you have to feel again and make sure the needle will be in the right spot!” were emphasised by a slightly harassed supervisor. I nearly had the opportunity to drink the special extra fun sugar water from the fridge when it was confused with the regular cool water. And I’ve been sternly instructed that however well I feel I’m supposed to lie down for tests in the future because pinning green/white pregnant ladies to the chair is hard on blood techs. I’m not sure why they don’t have sick bags handy considering how many people go woozy with blood tests – and repeat missing the vein tests especially, but fortunately those bags they send off the vials in are handy and don’t leak. Fortunately for me I’ve been doing extra work on my needle phobia in acupuncture sessions.

I’m hanging in there. Froggie is the size of a ladybug. I’m getting a lot of nausea and food cravings and aversions. Rice crackers and fruit are my friends. I wish I felt a whole lot more excited and happy but mostly what I feel is massively vulnerable, and relief that I’ve still got a stack of symptoms that reassure me I’m still pregnant. I’m doing my childcare cert 3 and applying for other jobs, and sleeping on the couch in front of the air conditioner. Rose sorted out my resume for an application last night because I was wrecked and fell asleep – it was so lovely of her and felt like old times with her helping me try and get something for work sorted out. Week by week I’m gradually getting better, but I’ve been a long way down and my energy and confidence have taken huge hits. I find it hard to share about, partly because I’m still figuring out what happened, and partly because it’s easy to swamp me with shame and guilt while I’m still so rough. The days go by very slowly, it’s taking a very long time to reach 8 weeks and our first all important scan. Just breathing. Just hoping.

Please may our baby live. Please may life make sense to me again. Please may I find my place in the world.