19 weeks pregnant

Whoo hoo! Made it this far. I’m getting big and lugging around a tummy and breasts like squishy melons. The baby is moving and we can feel it now, morning and night in bed when I’m settled and they wake up. I can’t feel much in my tummy yet as my placenta is in front, but gently pressing with hands it’s easy to find them and feel kicks and wriggles. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world.
I’m feeling a lot less nauseated lately, the fibro pain and fatigue are pretty bad but it’s really nice to be able to eat again most days. Home life remains very busy and and at times intense with emotions running high, but I’m finally making headway on the load of admin, and it feels like the crises are spacing out a little more as we find some good supports and resources. Although there’s been lots of stress, there’s also been some huge upsides for me. My household has gone from 2 to 3 – soon to be 4! – and it feels like everyone is adjusting to the change really well. I’m building a whole new relationship with our lovely teen where I’m needed and valued. I’m feeling a whole lot less scared now about being a parent or trying to be Mum and an artist. The pregnancy is far enough along that most days I feel that it will work out okay. I’m grounded in the present and have a useful role. My exhibition preparation drags my attention away from too much investment in everyone else’s needs and plans, and it’s coming along well. I have a sense of hope. My tribe is full of generous, caring people who are helping us carry the heavier loads. Life is good.

This week I did a print run of Welcome Packs from the DI, and folded and collated them all. It felt good. The online discussion group is still going and I’m starting to feel really proud of myself and especially the other admins who kept it alive through my severe exhaustion last year. I kept having to talk myself out of closing down the networks because I felt so burned out and discouraged. I’m glad I didn’t.

I feel like I’m coming out of the shadows and into the sun. My mind is waking up, I’m reading psychology books again, feeling good about my networks even as I’m sad and frustrated I can’t grow them at the moment, and starting to investigate options for paid work and study again down the track. Still hoping I’ll find the support I need somewhere in academia to help me open the doors to credentials and employment. Hope goes a long way.

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