I am sick and our post partum continues to be extra tough. My body is struggling, I’m emotionally overloaded, and my nervous system is strung out. So today I have:

• Stayed in bed and got extra sleep
• Cried with validating people 
• Been reassured that I don’t have to start feeling better quickly, that it’s  okay to be where I am emotionally (black despair, fury, numbness) and to rest here awhile, I will heal. I don’t have to be scared that I’ll stay like this. Let myself stay numb but tried to be soothing too. 
• Eaten very small meals that are comforting. Hot cocoa for comforting heartache rather than fennel tea for milk production. 
• Handed over half the breastfeeding to Rose and expressed milk instead to give me a break from the pain. 
• Gone naked and laid down towels in bed to give my skin a rest from the pressure of underwear.  
• Cleared off the rocking chair and sat in it looking at the garden without thinking about anything much. 
• Cleaned a few dishes so I feel comfortable in my kitchen and a sense of keeping up with things that don’t stress me too much. 
• Ignored all my admin unless people text me as phone and emails are stressing me. 
• Talked to the cats. 
• Talked to the baby. 
• Hugged Rose.
• Put ointment on skin, taken meds, kept up with pain relief. 
• Run a warm salt bath and prepared a chair out the back for naked sunbathing. 
• Looked forward to a visit by someone I feel safe and comfortable being naked/vulnerable/miserable with. 
• Drank my last Lipton chai latte sachet, slowly. 
• Just breathed. 

The screaming muscle pain of an overwhelmed nervous system starts to ease. Occasional deep sighs replace muscle cramps and digestive pain. The sirens and screaming alarms in my mind and body start to calm. Get out of crisis. Just be. Just be.