Endurance

I have lost my bounce back after too many crises this week. I am tired and angry and depressed. Every member of my family has been in crisis or the ER at least once, and my sleep has been badly interrupted.

Yesterday, Rose was cooking dinner with her broken/damaged ankle and using a chair to sit at the stove. She tipped a pot of boiling water and spaghetti into the sink. Some of the water caught in a bowl in the sink. Poppy climbed the chair like lightning and dunked her hand in the bowl of boiling water.

So, I sat in a cold bath in my underwear for 20 minutes with her, nursing and keeping a hose of cool water running into her burnt hand while she cried and fought me, screaming ‘no’ and trying to hide her hand from the water. It was very hard to hold her still without bruising her wrist or arm, and I found the best approach was to chase her hand with the hose and let the cool water run down her arm over it.

I hate having to do that, holding her down, no time to soothe her into complying, over riding her desperate attempts to protect herself. There’s a ball of pain and rage in me today that has nowhere to go.

Ambulance to the hospital for assessment and then home the same night. We were very lucky. She’d closed her hand so tightly the inside of it was barely burned and the outside was red and a bit swollen but nothing serious.

My nerves are shot. I want to cry, scream, shake, and throw up. I also want some quiet time to myself, maybe in a long bath, and about 6 hours more sleep.

I have nipple thrush again. Nursing feels like stabbing hot needles into my nipple. There was also a bit of a bacterial infection in one, it’s taking a long time to heal.

Some weeks are marathons, endurance tests. Can you get through them without discharging the stress in destructive ways? Eating everything/not eating/starting fights/self harm/insomnia/self medication… Whatever. The stress goes somewhere.

What helps reset when there are no reserve left to draw on, no spoons at the back of the cupboard?

Hand over the baby or walk away. Last night I was at the end of my tether with a worked up baby not sleeping at 1am. I dumped her on Rose’s lap with a movie and went to bed to sleep.

Connection and validation. We feel so alone in our dark hours. My future turns black and depression sets in. I feel trapped, doomed, and too miserable to even cry. I have to force myself to drag my focus away from my future and into now. What do I need right now? What do I need to do right now? Hang the washing. Eat something. Put out the fire.

Humour is an excellent remedy for self pity and taking life too seriously. A comedy or a mad friend are balm.

Sex or masturbation at the right moment can signal the end of crisis and a calming back to yourself or your relationship. Like a ship coming back to harbor or a bird to the nest.

Finding a way to scream. In my old life I would sometimes park somewhere undisturbed, wind up the windows, and scream. I’m crowded now and rarely have that chance. Finding a balance between discharging emotion without frightening the family – big feeling are normal. Write, draw, paint. Cry in the shower. Explain what’s going on and why, don’t make it a secret and don’t make them feel frightened or responsible for it. We feel the intensity of the horror ending whether it happened or not. Our bodies and minds react similarly to tragedy as they do to a near miss. Culturally we have less support for the time we need to process, but the feelings are the just the same. Denied, we will have to numb and discharge then in covert ways that often do harm. Set them a place at the table.

Yesterday I was calm, nurturing, pragmatic, and focused. Today I am rattled, angry, scared and despairing. It won’t last forever. This is not the future, not the new normal. Stay present in the moment. Listen to the pain. Be part of it.

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