Poem – Dissociation Is

To touch life with gloves on
To sit at a banquet and taste only ash
The void into which I fall
Colours turning grey.

To touch life with gloves on
Nerves burned out by fire
A room with walls so thick I cannot hear the screaming
To sail my little boat away from shores of pain
To drown in that empty place
To feel dead.

To touch life with gloves on
Mirrors that lie to me
Memories that fall like snow
Not knowing if I’m dreaming or awake
To always be alone
To always be lost and looking for home.

To touch life with gloves on
To laugh at pain
To be wild with recklessness
To never flinch
To turn my face from the world
To stand in sunshine and see only night
To ask ‘are you there?’ and not hear the answer
To become so cold that I never feel cold again
To be haunted by life
To be forever falling
To touch life with gloves on.

7 thoughts on “Poem – Dissociation Is

  1. Hello, I’m not sure how often you check comments on your older work (since this poem is 9 years old now) but I’d like to thank you and perhaps leave too long of a comment.

    I’ve always struggled with my dissociation. I was faced with it in 2019, where everything from june to august was blur of dissociative and depressive days. I remember crying at my 18th birthday because it was the first time I could barely feel anything at such a happy day for me. The rest of 2019 honestly went similar. It’s only been recently (about half a year) where my dissociation wasn’t a weekly or daily thing. It still happens often though.

    But my brain is a whole (though interesting) mess, so I’ve never been able to really explain where it’s come from. One therapist said it might be a side-effect of my shutdowns (I’m autistic), while I considered it more. I thought maybe it was part of my anxiety, though it still doesn’t fully explain it to me all the time, and sometimes causes me to invalidate the experience.

    All that to say that… this poem was comforting. Thank you. It’s perfectly described how I feel when I dissociate, and- that’s just validating, in a way. That it’s indeed what I feel.
    I hope I haven’t made you uncomfortable or been too intense with my little vent. I was actually also thinking of illustrating this poem through a comic, since I’m an artist. Not without your permission of course. It’s also a bit of a bold statement since I’m so low-energy lately hahaha.

    Anyway to round up this horribly long comment on a blog I just stumbled upon: thank you so much for your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is not my experience of dissociation but it is how I think a close friend experiences it. It was poignant for me to hear/read it. Thank you for your eloquence


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