Today, I woke to a unit full of people (Rose, my sister) sleeping, and animals (Tonks, Sars, Zoe) doing likewise. I resolved that today my goal was just to stabilize and have a half way decent day. I painted faces for a birthday party this afternoon. This evening we three went out to dinner at a local food van gathering. We sat on the grass under the trees and shared tasty food. I could feel the breeze on my face, the grass under my toes, my lover holding me tight. It was magic.
Maybe… maybe in trying to plan for a good life for many years to come, I can’t let go enough to enjoy what I have. Maybe planning only gets you so far. Maybe what we have is here and now and you make an amazing future by making an amazing life today. Lots of days, joined together. I’ve spent so long chasing and working towards security and stability… they’re not quite what I hoped they would be. With my health, my experiences… a regular life isn’t working out so well for me. Do I embrace the risks? The gypsy life – see where it takes me? I don’t know yet. I’m afraid of being broken, alienated, suicidal… but that’s what the last couple of weeks have been like anyway.
Freedom and safety… such difficult needs to meet.
Significance * Security * Belonging
I remember reading about these basic human needs years ago and thinking at the time I don’t have a sense of any of those… Now I wonder, from what do we derive our sense of security? Mine has been the capacity to be independent. To walk away from anyone or anything that hurts me. Only a few generations ago I would have been trapped and dependent for survival upon men who treated me badly. I’ve had the freedom to run and start again – at a high cost, but it’s been possible. Do I now take risks and trust to my networks, that I’ll have resources this time? Couches to sleep on or driveways I can park in? Am I there yet? Will the bitterness of being homeless again kill me and drive my friends away? If I can only have one – safety or freedom – which is more important to me?
I don’t know. But today was a good day. Today I felt whole. Free to feel again, to be in love, to celebrate being alive.
Tonight I’m going to hang out at my favourite goth club. Solve no problems, accomplish no great things, need no mental health support. Walk in a different world for a while, with my fellow freaks. If I’m lucky, they’ll play my favourite songs and I’ll dance. It’s enough, more than enough, for today.
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