It’s been a roller coaster few days here, seriously! I’m in a really weird place at the moment where some of my friends are going through hell while others are feeling like life is going their way. I’m mostly doing really well, which creates an odd kind of survivors guilt at times. Changes are afoot in all directions… I’ve been fortunate enough to secure a couple of big contracts for my business, which is extremely exciting. A lot of hard work is starting to pay off and I finally have money to do things like pay for an accountant! I’m working hard at the massive amount of admin this generates, and if you don’t look at the state of my house, not falling behind too badly.
My beloved dissociation support group Bridges is currently taking its first holiday in two years, which is very sad on one level but rather exciting on another… Those of us who have put so many hours into running it are all feeling stretched lately, it’s very tough work being a volunteer peer worker when you have so many other things going on in your life, great things like work, or awful things like sickness and system stress. My goal at the moment is to ease the transition as gently and respectfully as possible for everyone involved, then get back together as people are ready and talk about what next. I’ve set aside a reduced number of volunteer hours a week for myself this year, only ten, and I’m a bit excited about what we can do with that… The format of the whole DI Inc may change too… Everyone involved is deeply passionate and believes that we need an organisation to educate and speak on our behalf, but the truth of the matter is that no one actually wants to run one… We all have other passions, like giving presentations, or education, or creative projects. We’ve only found ourselves in an organisation because that’s the format we were provided with. But it’s hard work, and everyone, me included, has other stuff going on. So, change is happening, which is hard, but also feels good to me, flexible, adaptive, responsive, not locking people into to approaches that aren’t working but looking for new ways to harness that passion without exhausting and depleting the amazing people behind it.
I’m having trouble keeping up with my work at the moment and not getting much time off, but the night before last I invited some friends over to Rose’s place for a games night, and we had a great time. I love games nights, they’re fun, inexpensive, and just about guarantee a good laugh. 🙂
We made toasties for dinner and some people ordered pizza. I really enjoyed myself.
I’m glad I did because Rose had a rough evening with some trauma stuff and I did my best to be supportive. I drove home at midnight and started cleaning my kitchen up, only to discover that my manhole cover in my ceiling had been opened up! No one knows who did it, which is very creepy. So Rose calmed me down over the phone, and Zoe was worth her weight in gold. She may be a total nuisance at times, but nights like that she makes up for it in spades. There’s no other way I could have slept in my own home that night. Tonks did his bit by cuddling up to me. I didn’t get to sleep until around 5am, and then had a horrific series of nightmares, waking regularly, before giving up around 1pm and getting up. I sat out in my garden with some breakfast to clear my head and that worked wonders.
When I started to hallucinate a few songs, Rose reminded me that Zoe would react if they were real. That was very helpful to remember. A friend of mine who struggles with psychosis used to call her dog her Multidimensional Seeing Eye Dog because of this truly wonderful reality testing quality. I’ve always loved the phrase, there’s truth and a wry humour to it. Pets are amazing.