Today was so hard. I am beyond exhausted and into dissociative. But I’m still here, and the day is almost over. I’ve curled into bed with a pounding head and a body that feels like it’s been kicked too many times and a heart that feels like it’s been put through a mangle. I know it will be okay, good things will come out of it, we will plant good seeds and do our best, and in some moments I’m able to find that sense of grace and compassion in amongst grief and pain. Rose and I have lost another friendship dear to us, not through death but by… Well it’s not easy to sum up and I don’t want to expose anyone. For the moment at least, people we care about have pushed us away. It was a big shock. I’m glad for moments of perspective and hope. The rest of the time, I feel like life just keeps crashing big waves over me. I’m not swimming at the moment, I can’t even tell anymore which way the shore is. I’m drifting with the tides and trying to keep my head above water. We kept everyone safe today, no self harm, no suicidal gestures, no ambulances called. We grieved and hurt and got angry and grieved some more and talked and switched and talked and found other safe people to talk to, and night fell when you’re allowed to go home and not be strong anymore or try to understand other people’s perspectives, when you can go to bed and curl into a ball and cry because sometimes life is very hard, and because you’re hurting, and people you care about are hurting too and you can’t make it better for any of them.
Funny how things that felt solid yesterday feel fragile today, the wind blows and the paving stones tumble down the road with the leaves. Pieces drop out of the bottom of your world and you find that you’re standing on air, nothing between you and the void. The threads of love that bind us here are soft as mist. You send a prayer flying like a bird from your throat, please let us all see out the week. Please let there be comfort and ease from pain. Don’t let the darkness last forever. Don’t let tender hearts break in vain. Keep us tender, as we were meant to be. Give us rest. Let there be a dawn to all hopes. May grief wash tomorrow new and green.
Sleep tight, strange and painful world. May the love that breaks us also strengthen us. May the cracks let the light in.