It’s not been a good day. Robin Williams has died, and my online world is flooded with unbearable sadness. People are asking what hope there is when someone so inspirational, wise, and successful, couldn’t find a way to make it through the night. I shared a post I wrote in the wake of the loss of a friend of mine to suicide, with my thoughts about grief and loss.
My surgery was cancelled at the last minute, so all the plans Rose and I have made, gigs cancelled, days taken off work, study arrangements and so on have become moot. I’m back on the wait list and told I’ll be mailed a new date sometime in the next several months. I’ll have to cancel a whole new round of my work, and go in again for another 3 hours of pre-op tests and appointments. I’ve called the private hospital this afternoon where my surgeon works, but apparently they are taking weeks to months to get back to prospective patients with a quote for the surgery. The wind has been taken right out of my sails. I’ve mucked up my week, Rose’s week, friends and family who were making soup or picking me up from hospital, and all the clients I’ve pointlessly cancelled on. The careful effort to have my system in the right place to cope with the surgery and the anxiety around my allergies goes up in smoke and is replaced with massive stress and upset. A couple of hours of crying later, and reading the entire amazing Hyperbole and a Half book, which was being saved for post-surgery depression, and I’m feeling less overwhelmed.
My car isn’t running. My phone has suddenly died. My home phone only works erratically. My caseworker is away sick, I’m two weeks behind on homework, the house is messy, and all the plans are awry. I’ve bought a new season of Flashpoint online, because nothing puts a bad day in perspective like watching someone else’s really bad day handled with care, and I’m trying to navigate options for phone and selling the car.
Into all this, a friend contacted me to offer commiserations, and in the course of the conversation asked me for some blog posts on a particular topic. I’ve spent a happy half hour looking a collection up and improving their backlinks. How wonderful to feel that something I do matters. It takes so much of the bite out of a bad day. I feel so much calmer and able to cope. Meaning and purpose and connection – how much they can ease our pain.