This has been my first weekend in forever that I took off and booked no face painting gigs. I have had the most wonderful day! I’ve lazed around in front of the air conditioning, done a little gardening, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, shared lunch with friends, chatted away to lovely people online. Rose is organising dinner with fish and avocado and I’m very excited about it! Mmmmm. Our new game of Ghost Blitz came in the post at last. 😀 I’m loving playing games together in the evening, it feels like a good family ritual to be developing.
I nearly forgot I had a shrink appt today until my phone reminder went off an hour beforehand. Living with dissociation has been significantly easier since I got a smart phone! It was a great appointment. I’m so appreciating the support I have around me at the moment. There are some wonderful people, my doctor, my shrink, my partner, friends and colleagues. People who are so excited for us and with us, people reminding me to enjoy this time, people making safe places for me to be afraid or sad, to fumble my way into this new role and find confidence that I can do this. I’m not alone!
At times I feel embarrassed that things are going so well, sad for those I know have tried so hard to have children, or lost so many babies, for those who are horribly sick through pregnancy and have so much stress and pain to deal with. I feel so lucky. I’m hoping to be sensitive to those who haven’t been. I don’t believe there’s more to this luck. I don’t believe people can’t conceive if the universe doesn’t think they will be good parents. Life isn’t fair. I’ve been lucky so far, not divinely blessed. And I know how much other people’s good fortune can hurt. Even beautiful, lovely, ecstatic Rose feels pain that I am carrying when she has lost so many. I hope I’m a sensitive partner for her, making space for those feelings too, for the shadow of such fortune that falls over some of us. And I hope our luck holds. 🙂