Grief and the book

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I’ve been very sad today. It’s three weeks after the miscarriage surgery today. I feel heavy and tired and dazed. Plodding along in my own little world at my own tired pace while life moves on around me.

There’s been a lot of things to manage and arranging Tamlorn’s cremation keeps getting pushed back. I have a folder of beautiful and touching contributions by other people. I’m still wordless myself. I turn towards it and look at it and there’s just nothing in me. No poetry, no artwork, no words at all. Just a sadness, unfathomably deep.

I seem to have spent today weeping in cars after very nice visits with lovely people. As soon as I walk away there’s a terrible emptiness, a loneliness in me.

I keep working on the book. It’s something I can do. It’s an anchor when I feel lost. I don’t know that it will be worth anything, useful to anyone, worth all this time and love. I don’t know that anyone will read something so obscure by someone so unknown with so few credentials. Self published at that. I feel very small. There’s a weight of self hate like a blanket over me. I need to be doing homework, chasing up money issues because departments that were supposed to call me haven’t. But the words are flowing. My mind is teasing out the knots and puzzles of multiplicity and my life and my approach, constantly. Between emptiness, nightmares, moments of connection with others like candles being lit in a windy place, there’s the riddle to be solved. There’s just grief and the book at the moment for me.

9 thoughts on “Grief and the book

  1. Grief is terrible. Its such a lonely place. I’m so sorry your going through it. I’ll definitely read your book. I think its great you want to self publish! XX

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  2. Heartfelt, gentle hugs to you… When I grieve the loss of my only child – the writing helps me stay focused & probably “saves” me more than anything else I do… You can add me to what will likely be a long list of “virtual world friends” who would be honoured to read your book.

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  3. You are an incredibly important and significant woman in this world. Your words help me often and I will be buying your book and books to come. Abundant blessings and gentlest hugs xo

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