Finding my calm

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Ah, well I’m right on track in that case.

It’s been a funny few days. Up and down and bumpy. I’m finding the mornings are very hard, my pain levels are high and I’m fragile and feeling stressed. By evening most days I’ve settled and feel more centred. But it’s not inevitable. If I can’t find some peace in what I’m wrestling with, the whole day is given over to anxiety and distress.

Tonight I feel very calm. It feels like I’ve been hijacked recently, drawn by deep forces and pressed into powerful roles, roles with deep roots in memory and history. I’ve fought them but that entangled me further. In accepting them I’ve found a way to embrace them and step outside of them. It feels like climbing out of the rapids after a short, fast tumble through the white water.

I find thoughts surfacing and going back under without needing to be said or acted upon. Feelings arise and are accepted as gifts without being favoured or hated. I re read my posts about crisis mode on this blog and find them helpful. Mentally, I wrote myself signs to remind me: ‘Check in with yourself – how do you feel?’ and ‘Get out of crisis mode’ and ‘being human is beautiful’. I walked away from the crazy making pressure I’d been putting myself under and found life was much better without it.

6 thoughts on “Finding my calm

  1. here is a late reply, a story sharied in return for your rich ones:
    I had a full day yesterday – ending with a haiku workshop in the evening which was good – and I came home feeling sick, not overwrought so much but wondering whether – I am in denial of something I could live as a strnegth or stuck in some old anxiety os simply too sensitive… When some of that lingered this morning (as I had to work on a 3 hr deadline to finish a job application) I took a dose of one of my homeopathic remedies – AURUM, gold. It worked, again, leaving me feeling clear and content. Having completed most of the urgent work for today, I read up a bit what homepaths say about AURUM – it is amazing how different practitioners can be so different. Anyway, today, I found this: “…The innocence of a child and the enlightenment of a seer are united in gold. Gold in its highest form… no longer seeks, it has found; it no longer believes, it knows. Gold asks that we trust and dare, for only when we trust can we surrender, and only when we surrender can we fully receive – even that which lies beyond the north wind!” – it reminded me of what you said recently about “… and underneath all of that is love…”…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. … it reminds me of that female Zen teacher I listened to online who is also a long-time 12-step practitioner. She said quite factually, welcome an insult (or some such) it tests your equilibrium (or similar). Quite factually. Maybe I dig out the recording for you when I can.

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