I woke up feeling sick and fragile but less swamped by anxiety than I have been. So I took the morning very gently and focused on grounding. I cleaned the bedroom, then the kitchen. Made breakfast, which I ate in the garden. Then gathered a pail of weeds.
I re read some of my own blog posts about crisis mode and recognised the past week in them, my sagging efforts to haul myself out of the deepening pit of misery, dissociation, anxiety, loss of a sense of competence or agency or hope. I stepped back from the crisis and felt the pressure ease. I tuned back in to myself and did admin tasks I most felt like doing and even found pleasure in them. Stepped out of roles and made time to personally connect. Felt like I could breathe.
College was tough. I feel physically very ill, going hot and cold, getting moments of my heart racing. My face hurts, I think I have a sinus infection settling in. It took me forever to find a close park I could afford that would last the full duration of my class. I arrive late and flattered, only to find we were walking to the art gallery that week.
So I had to find and move my car closer to the gallery because I would not be able to walk all the way back to it in time. This took forever and cost me $11 in parking for one down the road from the gallery. I felt so sick it was hard to stay upright and I don’t think I took much in. I also felt that familiar sense of being heartsick that being around a lot of money and expensive things always gives me. I thought about how much I love art and my very favourite works by my favourite artists and I thought about whether I would save that work for the cost of a meal for a person and I knew I wouldn’t. I might go without for a couple of days, but I simply couldn’t starve someone else to hold onto it. I am often so uncomfortable in galleries. Maybe it’s not the art, so much as capitalism that’s stressing me.
Home again and much more content. My day has gradually improved. Rose is starting to feel better with strong antibiotics on board and we’re both excited to be trying to get pregnant again. We feel close and connected. Our little home is full of light and books and critters and people we love. It’s very lovely.