This is my celebratory lunch, watermelon & cherries. I am having a wonderful day, singing around the house doing housework and feeling fantastic. I’m finally starting to get some hours or days where I’m not completely demolished by exhaustion and nausea! It’s been going on long enough that I find I have to keep reminding myself that I haven’t had a major health relapse, I’m just pregnant and that’s a good thing and I’ll feel better soon. The most wonderful thing about feeling better is enjoying life, even the drudgery, and suddenly recalling forcefully that other people haven’t been far more productive than me because they have greater willpower, but because they don’t feel so horrible! I find that depressingly easy to forget after a few weeks home sick. I am so ready for the second trimester and hopefully a lot more days like this.
Last night I had a meltdown about my work/career/money plans again, which is currently my blackest pit of misery and not hard to tip me into. People were kind and although no one had any easy answers for me I was reminded that I have not failed at everything I’ve set out to do. I’ve taken many risks and worked hard to rebuild my life over the past 5 years and a lot has worked out brilliantly for me – I have an amazing life partner I adore, a lovely home, animals and a garden, a whole tribe of friends and family whom I love and who love me. I’ve helped people and made art and learned things and now I’m pregnant with a healthy little 9 week old froggie. My world is full of valuable but unpaid opportunities and people doing good work in fields I’m passionate about. I’ve found my passions and developed many skills and helped many people. Paid work has just proved a much tougher nut for me to crack, and that’s not for foolish decisions or lack of effort.
So, I’m drawing a line in the sand. Last year was a roller coaster with some very, very dark times for me that I’m not entirely through. I’m still nursing my very wounded soul. I want to find new stories about my work situation to counter my brutal sense of failure, exploitation, gullibility, and uselessness. I want to coax my sense of humour back to being a regular part of my life. I want to spoil my lover and enjoy my tribe.
For now, I’m going to rearrange my house, go camping with my love, and wring the most I can out of every moment I feel good. Happy new year!