Introducing DID

In our group Bridges this week, I gave a talk introducing DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). We are planning to present a forum on the topic in about 2 months time. It’s a very big topic and there’s a lot of misinformation and confusion out there about it. This talk is by no means comprehensive, but it is I hope a good introduction and overview of the condition.

What is Dissociation?

I’m going to start with a quote by a psychiatrist, Judith Herman:

The psychological distress symptoms of traumatised people simultaneously call attention to the existence of an unspeakable secret and deflect attention from it. This is most apparent in the way traumatised people alternate between feeling numb and reliving the event. The dialectic of trauma gives rise to complicated, sometimes uncanny alterations of consciousness… which mental health professionals, searching for a calm, precise language, call “dissociation.”

What does that mean? Dis-association is the disconnection between things that are normally associated. In simple terms, dissociation is to be unplugged in some way. 

Most of us have experienced a small degree of dissociation. One common example is called highway hypnosis, which is where you may drive say, home from work, and arrive not able to recall any details of the trip. You’ve been driving on autopilot probably thinking about other things. Another example is daydreaming, or getting ‘lost’ in a good book. These are common experiences, and do not indicate a problem of any kind. Dissociation only becomes a disorder when it is severe, distressing or disabling. It can be difficult to imagine what severe dissociation might feel like, but if you have ever stayed awake for a night or two, perhaps studying, then you have some idea. You may have felt confused, foggy, your sense of time might have been different, perhaps the room appeared fuzzy or spun around you, you may not have felt your feet upon the floor. Remembering this experience can help you imagine what someone who experiences severe dissociation may feel like.

Dissociation and Mental Illness

Dissociation is a symptom of a number of different mental illnesses, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. There is also an entire category of disorders where dissociation is the primary issue, just like the category of anxiety disorders groups different mental illnesses where anxiety is the underlying feature.

Dissociation can happen in may different areas. It depends which area has been ‘unplugged’ as to which symptoms a person experiences. People who suffer from chronic dissociation may struggle with symptoms such as:

  • Emotional numbing – where someone cannot connect to their own feelings, feeling flat, empty or numb instead.
  • Amnesia – ‘zoning out’/blackouts/lost time, when dissociation occurs in the area of memory, for example suddenly discovering that it is Thursday, and having no memory of Wednesday.
  • Time speeding up or slowing down – if you have ever been in an accident you may have experienced this common dissociative symptom.
  • Losing sensations – not being able to feel your own body, or feel sensations such as heat, cold, pain, hunger. Dissociation can unplug someone from their own senses, dulling or even removing altogether their sight or sense of hearing or ability to feel pain for example.
  • De-realisation – this describes someone’s experience when they are unplugged from the world around them, it may feel like being in a dream, or that they are living in a film. Nothing feels ‘real’. This may not sound so bad but it can be very distressing to experience.
  • Depersonalisation – describes being unplugged from yourself, where someone may feel unreal, like being a robot or living in a dream. They may not recognise their own reflection in a mirror, and may have out of body experiences where they seem to be watching themselves.

Many people experience one or more of these without having a mental illness. And people who do have a dissociative disorder may experience only one or all of these. Some people struggle with chronic symptoms, while others experience episodes and then recover.

What is DID?

DID is one of the Dissociative Disorders. In DID, Dissociation occurs primarily in the areas of memory and identity. DID used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. The name was changed in the DSM to reflect a different understand of the condition. DID is not someone having more than one personality, it is one personality that is divided into parts through dissociation.

Dr Warwick Middleton, an Australian psychiatrist who is the Director of the Trauma and Dissociation Unit at Belmont Hospital in Queensland wrote “It is inaccurate to conceptualise a patient with DID as having ‘multiple personalities’. A more helpful conceptualisation is that such individuals have access to less than one personality.” (at any one time)

We all have parts

We all show different sides of ourselves with our workmates, children, and friends. We play different roles in our lives. We know what it feels like to be “in two minds”, we say things like “part of me wants to go out tonight, and part of me wants to stay  in”. For a person with DID, these things are true in a literal way. 

Parts Divided

For someone with DID these parts are separated from each other by dissociative barriers. As a result, they develop separately and can be very different from each other. For example, they may have different ages, gender, skills, interests and beliefs.

There are some common terms associated with DID it may helpful to know the meaning of.

  • Part or Alter – commonly used to describe the different personalities in a person with DID.
  • System – this describes the group of personalities that make up the whole person with DID. Many people prefer other terms such as family, tribe, or community.
  • Switching – one part going ‘inside’ or away, and another one coming ‘out’ and inhabiting the body. This may be slow or quick, obvious or very subtle.
  • Trigger – is anything that makes a switch between parts happen.
  • Coming out/Going in – used by people with DID to describe times where they are in control of their body and times where another part of their system is.
  • Kids/Littles – refers to any parts that are children or young teens. It is quite common for people with DID to have younger parts, but not everyone does. A person with DID may talk about their ‘kids’ to mean not biological children but their children parts.
  • Multiple – a shorthand way of describing someone who has separate parts. People without dissociated parts may be called Singletons.
  • Co-consciousness – means that more than one part is aware of what is happening at the same time.

Why does it happen?

The development of DID has a very high association with childhood trauma. In childhood the identity is still forming, and trauma during this time can result in dissociation in this area. It’s important not to make assumptions here, trauma may involve abuse, but there are many other ways children may be traumatized. For example a very ill child who must undergo many painful medical procedures may develop DID. Not everyone who has DID has come through childhood trauma, and certainly many people who are traumatized as children do not develop DID. It is also important to note that while some people with DID have come through extreme abuse, others’ experience was less severe yet they have still developed DID. 

Whilst DID is considered a mental illness, it can also be thought of as a defence mechanism, a way to survive. Psychologist Deborah Haddock writes “Many people with DID baulk at the use of the term disorder. When every ounce of your being comes together to fight for survival, having it termed a disorder can feel discounting to say the least.”

How do people survive trauma?

1. Containment

There are, among many others, two key abilities that all  people may draw upon to get through a traumatic situation. One of these is containment. This is about being able to compartmentalise experiences. If you have ever put aside your feelings to assist at an accident, then after everyone was safe, gone home and shaken and cried, you have used to containment. You have contained your overwhelming feelings to do what needed to be done, and then felt them later on.

Someone with DID uses containment in an even stronger way, where different parts contain different skills, memories, or emotions. One of the advantages of this is that damage is contained, and healthy areas of functioning are preserved rather than the whole person being overwhelmed and unable to function. An analogy is the way a flock of geese flies. The goose at the front encounters the most air resistance, it has the hardest job while the rest of the flock rest in the slipstream. When the front goose tires, it drops back and another goose takes the lead position. The parts in a DID system may do this, where one part is out, then goes away inside to rest while another comes out.

2.Adaptation

Another way people get through trauma is through our ability to react and adapt to new situations and environments. We’re all capable of drawing on different strengths and skills in different environments. For someone with DID, this ability to adapt can be life saving. For example, a child may develop a part that copes with physical pain by numbing and not feeling anything. They may have another part who goes to school, has none of the bad memories, and is able to behave normally. They may also have another part tucked away inside who keeps fragile characteristics safe from being destroyed by a harsh environment, for example hope, self esteem, or optimism.

Theories

There are two main frameworks used to describe the way separate parts form in a person with DID.

The Smashed Vase theory is that every part of a system is a piece that together makes up the whole person. This explains the way systems can divide up basic characteristics such as emotions, one part manages anger, another expresses joy.

The Alternate Selves theory is that every part is one possible version of who the person could be, given their experiences and history. This explains the way DID systems can continue to split and form new parts, there seems to be no upper limit of how many parts can form. Also the way parts can un-form, meld into each other, and disappear.

The reality for a person with DID may be an overlap of both processes.

Challenges

There are some huge challenges facing a person with DID. Deborah Haddock writes “Most DID patients see several therapists and have an average of seven diagnosis before finally finding someone who understands the dissociative aspect of their behaviour… Confirming the diagnosis of DID is not easy, however. One of the difficulties lies in the nature of dissociation, which compartmentalises behaviours and experience that would normally be connected. Also, the dissociative personality system is usually set up to avoid detection.” In a nutshell, DID generally only works as a defence mechanism if it is hidden and secret. Otherwise, being divided may make someone more vulnerable to abuse.

Dr Middleton writes “For dissociation to be an effective mechanism in protecting individuals from being overwhelmed… it is necessary for the individual to a fairly large degree to dissociate the fact that they dissociate. If they are fully aware of the extent of their dissociation, they they are very close to being overwhelmed by the underlying reasons for it.” DID can be extremely confusing to experience, and even finding the words to express what is happening can be extremely difficult. It is not a very common diagnosis, and not many professionals specialise in the area of dissociative disorders. Even once diagnosed, finding a competent and caring professional to work with may be difficult. 

People with DID are not all the same

We tend to think in absolutes, something is black or white, someone is crazy or sane. The reality is less concrete. Dissociation is more a continuum, with normal, healthy experiences at one end, and severe mental illness at the other. Likewise, within the realm of multiplicity, there are a number of continuums, and the result is that there is a lot of variation between one person with DID and another. For example, the degree of amnesia varies considerably. Some people with DID have total amnesia for the times when other parts are out. Others are aware of what is happening, which is called co-consciousness. Some multiples don’t experience the level of amnesia needed to fit in the category of DID, and they may receive a diagnosis of DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) instead. Some other differences between people with DID are

  • Obviousness of switching – for some people it is obvious when they switch, for others it is so subtle that only someone who knew them very well might be able to tell.
  • Number of parts – this can range from just one, to hundreds.
  • Switching – some multiples switch all through the day, others only very occasionally, and some people never switch, but they talk to their parts and hear them in their mind.
  • Degree of internal control over triggers – some multiples can chose which part is out, others have no control over this.
  • Degree of fluidity – some multiples have fixed systems with, say, 5 members who have been there for years. Others are more chaotic, they are difficult to learn about as they are constantly changing with new parts forming and old ones going away.
  • Other diagnosis – people with DID may have other physical or mental illnesses which will change how they experience life.
  • Degree of disability – some people with DID are extremely unwell and struggle to function, perhaps spending a lot of time as inpatients, while others live and work unnoticed in the community, perhaps with no one around them aware of their condition.
  • Polyfragmentation – some people with DID have mini systems within their system, or have parts who have themselves split to form parts of their own.

DID is about identity – it is therefore extremely individual in the way it presents and is experienced.

How can I help a friend with DID?

One of the most important things a person with DID needs is acceptance. It can be very stressful and discouraging to have a condition that is uncommon and often misunderstood. Media representations of DID are often dramatic and frightening. It is also important not to be invasive. Some people with DID are comfortable sharing details about their systems, others are not. Asking questions like “who is out now?” or “what are all your names?” can be confronting. It helps if you are willing to cope with inconsistency. Someone with DID may one day love apples and the next hate them, may tell you on different occasions about a film they saw and give you completely different impressions of it. Often, this is misunderstood as lying, when it is just parts with different tastes.

It will also help if you are willing to cope with confusion. Dissociation is extremely confusing by its nature. It may take a long time to work out what is happening. It may take a long time even to determine if the symptoms are dissociation rather than something else. Try not to pressure the person to know more about what is going on for them they can. Learning about this is a process, and the diagnosis of DID often carries a lot of stress and fear for people. Being safe is very important, if you have a friend with DID it is vital that you never take advantage of their multiplicity. If they have child parts, treat them as you would treat children for example. And lastly, although you may have a strong friendship or relationship with one part, do your best to embrace and welcome their whole system, and recognise that your friend is part of a community.

Is there hope?

Yes!

Connections that have been broken can be rebuilt. Trauma can be healed. It is important to find good caring support people, friends or family or professionals. As much as possible, work on learning about your system, increasing communication, self awareness, and self acceptance. Reducing denial, and learning how to ground yourself can also make a big difference. The goal is to come together to function as a team, all protecting and looking out for each other instead of fighting and pulling in different directions. This goal can be reached through cooperation, and/or through integration, which is where the dissociative barriers between parts dissolve, so every part is out all the time.

People with DID can be very vulnerable, but they are also incredibly resilient!

Cameron West, who has DID, writes:

I desperately want to feel like I’m part of this world and somehow connected to the people in it. I guess that’s why I’m here today. I’m hoping that somebody will look into my eyes and tell me they see somebody there, tell me they see Cameron West there. And if they see other people in there, well that’s okay too. It has to be okay. I’m through being disconnected from me. I am who we are, and it’s got to be okay, or I’ve got no chance of a better life.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

Art online

Last year I sold the digital images of three artworks to a group who were putting together a new website called bipolarcaregivers. I love selling pictures of my work instead of the originals! Selling art is completely different to publishing writing. You hand over your baby and someone else walks off with it and never comes back! It’s wrenching! However, on the plus side you no longer have to find room to store it, which is a very handy thing. Either way, I’m more careful these days to document my work and keep a record of what I’ve made. I’m keen to explore the local options for producing high quality prints for sale too, there’s plenty of people who love the images but don’t have the cash to buy originals. At the moment, my art related to mental health is being purchased by professionals and staff, but isn’t really accessible to people with mental illnesses getting by on pensions. Which I’m not happy about.

Back to the website! They purchased three artworks, (click on the links to see them) Netting Stars, Finding Hope, and I see you falling. The last one is echoed by my latest ink painting using masking fluid. Same theme but a different response.

Nightmares

Are a common symptom of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In my case, it was hoped I would grow out of them. I haven’t, they are something I live with. I go through phases where they are comparatively benign, and others where they are so severe I can’t, and don’t want to, sleep. At the moment, I’m going through a bad phase. I painted this ink picture the other day. This is how it feels.

 

Managing Triggers

I led the discussion in our group Bridges yesterday, on the topic of managing triggers. I thought I’d share it here for the benefit of a wider audience. 🙂 Just brushing the surface of what can be a very big topic – What are triggers? Anything in our environment that ‘triggers’ a reaction so quick or so strong it bypasses our conscious control is a trigger. On a simple level, touching something hot and recoiling without thinking about it is an example of a trigger. When we use the term in mental health, we’re usually talking about things that trigger strong emotions, strong memories or flashbacks, dissociation, or for those with DID/DDNOS (Dissociative Identity Disorder or Dissociative Disorder not otherwise specified), perhaps alters. Really, anything can be a trigger. Some of my triggers are certain smells, such as a particular brand of cologne associated with bad memories for me, sounds such as certain songs or music, places – such as my old school ground, and situations such as encountering someone aggressive or violent.

Everyone has some things that trigger a reaction in them, and triggers are not necessarily a bad thing. It isn’t just strong bad memories or strong negative emotions that can be triggered. Positive memories and emotions can also be triggered by things in our environment. Hearing ‘our song’ on the radio, being present at a birth, smelling something that we associate with a loved one – great grandma’s perfume. All these things can trigger a strong, even overwhelming reaction in us, and this is a good thing. To be moved by things is part of what it means to be human. So for those of us who find triggers difficult to cope with, it can help to remember that the goal is bringing them back to something manageable, not getting rid of them altogether.

I’ve pulled out of my journals this poem I wrote about being triggered in a positive way. At this time in my life I was suffering from severe dissociation. Most of my senses were dulled severely, I could not taste, my sight was limited and colours were dull. My sense of touch was reduced, a hand on my arm felt faint and far away, I couldn’t feel my feet touching the ground. It was a very bad time and very distressing. On that evening I was coming back from an event, being driven through the city. As I came along King William Street, the bells of St Peter’s Cathedral rang out. And the sound triggered me, I surfaced through the dissociation and suddenly felt alive again, for a brief moment.

The Fire
Yesterday I woke with a fire in my chest.
All the leaves of autumn burned.
My thoughts were sharp and clear
The night was sharp and clear
I awoke
From where I had been lost
In dream-haze, in exhausted slumber.
I reached out
To the sound of bells that rang
Through the city.
I tasted the air and felt my mind inhabited
I turned and looked with eyes that turned and looked with me.
Like a vault opened to the light
Like a moth from a cocoon I awoke
The fire stirred me.
And beneath the clarity like diamond-fire
Was the little tightness
The knowledge that fatigue, like wolves
Would return when the flame was ash.
This respite from the haze that is my life
Was brief. For a glorious moment I touched the night.
I knew myself familiar.
Stranger! I cried
I had missed you
Lost you
Loved you
And I know you will not stay.

However, triggers can make life very difficult! If, like me, you find that you are very reactive and struggling to manage many triggers, here are some starting points on ways to try and calm things down.

One of the first options most of us try is to avoid. It’s worth mentioning because it is a legitimate option! If the trigger is something easy to avoid, like a particular location you don’t need to go near – for me, my old school, then avoid it! Easy. This option falls apart a bit if you have lots of triggers or triggers that are really common in your everyday life. Then you end up not being able to get out of bed. But there’s no prizes for stressing yourself out trying to make yourself cope with a bad trigger you don’t need to confront.

Desensitisation is another approach. This comes from treatments for anxiety and phobias. The idea is that you gradually build up your ability to cope with a trigger, until it gets to the point where it no longer affects you. For example, for awhile there the smell of rosemary was a trigger for me. It would immediately make me feel extremely nauseous. So, I used to occasionally put an oil blend containing a tiny amount of rosemary in an oil burner on days I was having a good time, friends over, feeling good. It would bother me a little bit but not much. Over time I increased the amount slowly, and kept linking the smell to good, fun experiences. Now, it doesn’t bother me at all and own a rosemary plant I cook with all the time. This concept of association is what gives triggers their power to affect us – they have been associated with a strong feeling or memory. Sometimes you can in time break down that association and create a new one.

I often cope by trying to overpower triggers. Smell is one of the most potent memory triggers for all people, and I use my perfumes to help me cope with other triggers in my environment. I find the smell of strangers upsetting, so in situations like public transport I can become very distressed. If I am wearing my own perfume, a smell that is comforting and familiar, I can breathe this in and literally overpower the other triggers. But it can also work on other levels – for example, I have a ring that reminds me of my sister, which is a comforting thing to me. I wear it to work on days I know will be stressful, and I touch it and look at it to ground myself and remind me I am safe and loved. I use it to overpower those things in my environment that are triggering fear and threat in me. Another way of putting this is that I use the strength of a positive trigger to help me deal with a negative one. I call this anchoring and I’ve explored the idea more in

If you find yourself jumping at shadows and reacting to everything, then going through each trigger one at a time is probably going to be time consuming and frustrating. In that case it may be a better idea to work on lowering your reactivity. If your baseline stress levels are really high, you are much more sensitive to triggers. What do I mean by that? Your baseline is what you return to after stress. So, in this picture, those red spikes are periods of massive stress, while the green zone done the bottom is you feeling all chilled out and okay with the world.

As you can see, for some of us, when we go through major stresses, we don’t ever quite get back to as chilled out as we used to be. Each episode leaves us more stressed and anxious and highly strung than the last. Our baseline – how we feel when nothing is actually happening to stress us out, gets so high that we feel permanently stressed out. When we’re in this space, we are highly reactive. Nearly everything is a trigger. The idea is try and recover better from stressful events, so our baseline looks more like this:

When we’re getting good time cruising along in that green space, we’re less reactive and will find triggers easier to manage. For more ideas about how to get back to the green space see:

Something else to bear in mind if you’re having troubles in this area, is that you may find taking some time to process your stuff can help. If, like me, you get through the day by burying a lot of what you’re feeling and thinking – this can come back to bite you. Sometimes triggers are the price you pay for using suppression to cope. It can be like trying to hold a beach ball under water – at some point it will get away from you and come hurtling up! If you have grief or trauma to work through, making some space for that in your life can help to reduce your reactivity to triggers. This doesn’t necessarily have to be intense, anguished and time consuming. It can be as simple as starting a journal where you write about some of those feelings, going to a counsellor to talk about grief, or putting up a photo in memory of someone you’ve lost. Sometimes very small things that signify to yourself that you are listening and paying attention to your own needs can make a big difference with how well you cope in other areas of your life. For an example of this see

And lastly, for the multiples, if the big issue you’re having is trying to prevent things that trigger alters, then you can try everything listed above – and it may indicate you have some system work to do. If you’re functioning by suppressing everyone else in your system – some of them are going to fight you. And they can gang up on you, be very persistent and wear you down. Working to make some safe time and space for everyone to get a little of what they need – which sometimes is just to be acknowledged that they exist – can make a big difference in coping with triggers. If your team are working together instead of fighting each other, then things that trigger switches aren’t such a big deal. You can also learn about how to use triggers to generate useful switching, see

I continue talking about the management of triggers and the risks and benefits of the way we think about them in Mental Health needs better PR.

What am I up to at the moment?

Hullo, welcome to my new blog – being started due to requests I have been getting about what I’m getting up to art-wise at the moment. 🙂 This year has been a very difficult year and the last few weeks have been no exception. I’ve down graded my expectations a bit about what I thought I was going to be able to accomplish over the next few months. My biggest focus is keeping my own mental health on an even keel as much as possible. At the moment, that means – more making art, and less of the stressful business side of it! I wish I knew why I found it all so stressful, but at the moment it doesn’t matter. I’m maxed out in my capacity to handle anxiety and stress, so I’m dialling back everywhere I can.

Today I went down the Central Mental Health Service and spoke to a lovely lady there. I’d submitted two artworks for display at this years TheMHS (The Mental Health Service – a national annual conference) which would be very exciting as that is a big audience – and the perfect audience for a lot of my work. I’m also doing a talk at the conference about ‘managing dissociation’ so I’d be able to take a look at all the exhibits myself. 🙂 The theme was a little confusing – ‘Resilience in the midst of change’. I like to make fresh works inspired by themes for exhibitions rather than brush off old ones and fit them into the theme. So I focused on the word resilience and came up with two artworks in time for the submission date – which was fortunately extended a few times. There’s a few different steps in the selection process and my work has apparently made it through the first one, I was asked to bring both works in so they could see them in the flesh. Here they are – New growth, which is ink and gold leaf:

and She Blooms, oils and gold leaf:

I’m very proud of both of them and very excited to be considered for the exhibition! If either don’t make it through selection, they will be included in the October Mental Health Week exhibition instead. Which is one of the projects I’m now working on – a body of work to be ready in time to display there. First however, is the haiga I’m hoping to send in to the Salisbury Writers Festival competition! Haiga is a combination of an image – traditionally an ink painting, but these days often a digital photo, and a haiku – a Japanese traditional short 3 line poem.

Considering that I love ink painting and poetry, this seems a perfect opportunity to stretch myself a little and combine the two. The rules specify that haiku or senryu are acceptable, but not tanka (the longer style). I’ve never written any of them before, my personal preference is blank verse and considerably longer. I do like the punch of shorter poems but none of those I’ve written have the feel of a haiku. So I’ve been reading a bit about how to write haiku, and playing around with the shorter form, hoping to come up with two haiku and paint them into two new ink paintings in time for the selection cut off this Friday. If I can’t make two in time I may use a photo for one. I love it when they allow you to submit via email because it gives you that extra day or two that your work would normally spend in the post… but I hate it because it involves fiddling around with digital images and trying to make sure your image is large enough to be printed out at quality, but small enough to be emailed… not really my forte, but I’m learning!