That sounds cosy and simple. The reality is more complex. Sometimes there are no relationships to draw comfort from. Sometimes there are relationships, but they are cold, or distant, or abusive. None of these qualities inspire attachment. There’s no point in trying to overcome dissociation to be more connected to an existence that is painful and destructive. There’s often a reason it’s there in the first place. Sometimes relationships can look and seem close, but be missing essential qualities that create connection. Sometimes, feeling lonely in a relationship can be indicative not of attachment problems, but of a relationship that is disconnected on some fundamental level. I once had a close relationship with someone like an aunt in my life. Increasingly discontented and confused by my sense of distance I tried to rebuild a closeness between us, sending gifts and cards and calling by. Eventually when confronted she told me that she had stopped loving me years before, but still maintained the semblance of a friendship so that I would not make a fuss. Having attachment issues does not mean that all your relationships are good and any problems are always you.
But, when there are good caring people around you, having them cease to exist on an emotional level the moment they leave your side is a horrible and frustrating experience. So, carry pictures of your children with you. Keep tokens that remind you of your loved one. I have a candle I burn at Christmas in memory of my Grandma. She’s still with us every Christmas. I wear jewellery given to me by people special to me. I keep cards on display for months. This is the place I’m trying to stay out of:
I can’t feel you
4 thoughts on “Recovering from Trauma – Object Constancy”
I'm really glad you've found this helpful. It can be so difficult at times to work out 'is it you, me, or us?'. I hope you can make some sense of things and find a way through.
This has been quite helpful to me. It is confusing to understand if it is the other person in a relationship being emotionally uncaring or if it is actually you. I'm currently in that confusing place where I suddenly feel like my three year relationship is gone and it is very strange
Thanks for reading.
That was heart breaking.