Beliefs that shape – and break – our mental health services

Our minds attach labels to things in the surrounding world, and we interpret those labels as discontinuities. If things have different labels, then we expect them to be a clear line of demarcation between them. The universe however, runs on processes rather than things, and a process starts as one thing and becomes another without ever crossing a clear boundary. Worse, if there’s some apparent boundary, we are likely to point to it and shout ‘that’s it’ just because we can’t see anything else worth getting agitated about… 

If we were less obsessed with labels and discontinuity, it would be much easier to recognise that the problem is not where to draw the line, it is that the image of drawing a line is inappropriate… 

Even such obvious distinctions as alive/dead or male/female turn out, on close examination, to be more like a continuous merging than a sharp discontinuity.”

From The Science of Discworld by Terry Pratchett p56.

How relevant for the convoluted mess that is our attempt to make sense of mental health. There is no clear line between healthy and sick, or even sane and insane, competent and incompetent, normal and abnormal, functioning and impaired. 

Why do we try to draw these lines?

We are seeking clarity about madness and pain. That’s not a bad thing. Our conceptual frameworks are primitive but the need for them is valid. 

We need to be able to identify incompetence when it puts others at risk. 

We also use labels as a way to limit access to resources. There’s a number of beliefs that come into play here, such as the ‘deserving poor‘, or the ‘genuinely mentally ill Vs the worried well‘. There’s a fear that any truly valuable resource will be consumed by the selfish who’s needs are lesser. I’ve encountered this belief many times. When the resource is money there’s sense to being concerned about exploitation and corruption! But when the resource is a bed in a suicide prevention clinic, or a support group for bereaved parents, you wonder how many who don’t need or deserve support are going to want to spent their time like this.

These beliefs are worth examining because the ideal of fair distribution of resources which is noble and appropriate, has a dark side which is gatekeepers and access difficulties. Whatever means are set up to ensure fair distribution are at risk for becoming the horrific hoops people have to jump through to get what they need. Unfairness, corruption, structural oppression, and inequality abound in such systems. 

Getting back to a practical example: where I live a new scheme came out a while ago where a doctor could help anyone who had a mental illness access a number of sessions with a psychologist every year. It was astonishingly popular. Despite all the concern about people not asking for help and the power of sigma preventing people from connecting with services, thousands of people went to their GP, asked for help, were diagnosed and put on a care plan and went to see a psychologist. The budget for the project blew out. 

We have a number of options at this point. The path chosen so far was to restrict the number of appointments each person could have every year. Restrict allocation of the resource. Everyone gets less. It’s been a bone of contention since, a glaring contradiction between public health announcements telling people to seek help, and massive feedback that 10 sessions of support a year is hugely inadequate for many people who are struggling. 

There are other ways to balance budgets for projects like this and we see these often in public health. Restricting access is a common one- erecting more filters to prevent people regarded to be at lower risk or need or more able to meet their support needs independently from accessing the resource. The NDIS operates in this way, meaning that a whole army of support workers are now administration workers whose job is to help vulnerable clients tick enough of the right boxes to qualify for assistance. 

Filters are valuable but they are also risky. They erect barriers to resources and are never elegant enough to ensure that the most vulnerable are not inadvertently screened out. As an example of that, consider the hundred of people we have living on our streets who do not have the basic financial support of welfare because the process of accessing it – proving their identity, having a fixed address of some kind for correspondence, and navigating the paperwork is beyond them or judged by them as too harmful to their mental health. 

Hand in hand with filters is often the use of expertise. We set up systems whereby those with professional expertise (ie competence) apply the filters, to ensure the right people are accessing the resources. This approach often creates valuable fail-safes. It helps to limit self serving behaviours by those who would benefit from creating dependence on resources and by those wanting to access more than their fair share. It can reduce waste where resources are squandered on a first come first served basis, rather than an allocation of need. It can also provide valuable guidance for those in need so they do not ricochet between different resources trying to find what is helpful.

The dark side of expertise is gatekeepers. People who have the power to deem you unsuitable and block your access. Again, systemic inequality is a huge risk, and the harder it is to become a gatekeeper, the more unlikely that gatekeepers themselves will have much in common with the most vulnerable members of society whom they are intended to facilitate access for. Across these gulfs – race, gender, culture, region, diagnosis, experience – we see that diversity is the stumbling block. A homogenous group of gatekeepers will prioritise access for those people they most identify with, empathise with, and understand. The minority, who are often the most vulnerable simply due to being in a minority, find that gatekeepers all too often erect access barriers and exclude rather than champion. As an example, trans young people locally can greatly struggle to access mental health services. The gatekeepers to these services (doctors, hospital registrars etc) frequently have an uninformed and prejudiced idea of what it is to be trans, and deny access based on these ideas. The very diversity that underlies the need is also the factor that makes access to resources such a challenge. 

In setting up systems of distribution of resources with the aim of fairness, we need to be wiser. First we should always explore and uphold the option of self referral wherever we can. What would happen if anyone could access a psychologist, to return to the initial project I mentioned. Would it truly be a financial disaster as hundreds of thousands of people self referred? How do we know this?

What about if we added to the budget for the psychologists all the money we are currently spending on the experts facilitating access? The thousands of GP appointments to assess mental health and set up care plans. 

What about if we also decided that we would spend less money telling people to ask for help and more money making sure help was there when people asked for it? Add a chunk of anti stigma campaign and educational campaign money to the pot too. Perhaps if the help was more accessible and more reliably helpful we’d find people would tell each other about it and save us the bother.

How is the budget looking now? How is the access looking? Is it choked by the less needy or full of the vulnerable? Are the resources going where they are really needed, generally speaking? Are we erring on the side of risking allocating to some who could do without, or risking some who need not being able to access? This a similar question to one we ask in the structure of our judicial system – given the imperfect nature of all systems, is it better for some innocent people to be punished, or some guilty people to go free? 

We don’t need to stop at self referral. But it’s such a powerful tool and so often overlooked. It’s the nature of governing bodies to want to govern, to assume that more regulation and restriction is what they are here to do and to reach for those tools over and over again in service of admirable values and goals such as fair distribution. But it is also the nature of systems to be flawed, and of all policy and law to have unintended consequences. Wisdom is in assuming flaws and exploring how to mitigate them, assuming there will always be bad unintended consequences and watching for them as they unfold. Trying to set up utopias on paper can be high risk for nightmare realities for those we intend to protect. Self referral is part of self regulation, a need and capacity of all species and all too often overlooked in policy and governance which starts with the assumption of incapacity and then tries to meet the need on individuals or communities behalf. On a personal level, self regulation is experienced as ‘freedom‘, one of the primary universal human needs, and often a key need obliterated by the current operating of our high needs mental health supports.

There are people exploring this idea in practice, for example suicide support services that allow self referral. Part of the difficulty with enacting policies like this is they outrage our sense of the way things should be done – our culture of experts and assessments is well embedded in mental health. They also reallocate many people within the system, making many gatekeeping roles redundant and moving our experts into roles of resources themselves or facilitators. It’s not always a comfortable change. 

Another way we can respond to our basic supply and demand problem with access to psychological services is to explore the demand in more detail. 

  • Why is there so much of it? Can we do anything to reduce the need? 
  • Is any part of the demand an unintended consequence of a policy or public health approach that we could change? For example, are our mental health public education campaigns accidentally making people feel inadequate to navigate life challenges themselves? Are our attempts to ensure fair distribution of welfare causing severe psychological distress? 
  • What is the demand actually for? What combination of needs are people accessing this resource to meet? Could some of them be adequately – or better – met by other resources or in other ways? Could the resources be delivered in a different way and still meet needs? Are the needs being adequately met by the resources or are the resources false satisfiers creating the illusion of meeting the need but actually only increasing it? 

So, for example, are many sessions being used up as people try to find a psychologist with whom they have a good fit, or conversely are people too afraid to waste the sessions and are staying with psychologists they are poor fit with and getting less out of the sessions? We could change the structure to address this if it’s an issue, for example better supporting networks to help people find psychologists with interests in the areas in which they are struggling, creating a different time and fee structure for first appointments, creating opportunities for people to see psychologists work, videos, or writing before choosing one, and so on. 

Would some people be happy in group settings? These are usually less expensive and have greater reach, they also add in access to peers. What kinds of models do people want? A group run by a facilitator is very different to a group designed to be clinical treatment, as is a peer based group. Online and face to face have differences also. 

Are some people primarily bringing community needs – such as loneliness, into psychology sessions where they cannot be met? What other formal resources can we create for these people?

We can celebrate the success of a service without having to erect access barriers. Creatively engaging the challenge of budgeting resources opens so many opportunities for diverse, meaningful community development. Exploring the beliefs we bring to service design and delivery can give us so much scope to see where good intentions founder and to be part of better systems. 

So often I’ve found that when unpacked, the ideas we have about the scarcity of resources come from a very limited perspective. The things that people need, the things that really matter, are not in short supply. Love, compassion, respect… These things are not used up or diminished by being shared. We do not need to be in competition over them. There are a thousand ways a community tells its members they are valued, and that’s as it should be, a thousand different ways people hear that best. So often the question people are really asking when they turn to our carefully guarded, expensive mental health resources are ones of worth. Does anyone care if I kill myself? Does my pain count? Am I worthy of compassion? Am I loved? It is very dangerous to ask questions like these of such a fallible and broken structure as the mental health system. 

When designing services and governing resources it’s worth keeping in mind that most of us will have moments when we will need to ask such questions of our community, whether we are made vulnerable through tragedy, illness, or our own mistakes. We all need a community that answers ‘yes, you have value’. If it is about drawing a line, we should all be on the inside of it, dignified and human. 

5 years with Rose

Yesterday was our anniversary. ❤ I’m so proud of us. It’s strange and a bit painful to be celebrating our relationship at the same time that the marriage equality plebiscite (a postal vote about same sex marriage) is going ahead here. It’s stressful and consuming a lot of emotional resources. We hate it. 

But here we are, 5 years in love. My tiny unit is stuffed to the seams. My once solitary and lonely life is unrecognisable. Through thick and thin, Rose and I have woven something beautiful; dark, bright, strong, and precious. We’ve kept believing in each other, in ourselves, and in our family. Not all the time, sometimes only a little bit, small scraps of hope in dark and painful times. But enough. In the good times we are so strong, so complimentary in our skills, so similar in our values. In the bad times we are strong enough to hold on. Not perfect but not trying to be. We’ve both escaped enough utopias to know that there magic in muddling through. 

Rose and I have now been together, unbroken, for longer than any other family she’s ever been part of. The sheer amount of work she does to have made that possible is hard for people to comprehend. All the times she doesn’t run when that voice deep inside tells her to go. All the ways she’s learned to share and explain and connect so she can function the way she needs to without tearing at our relationship. She’s amazing. 

We are struggling to balance our family, to nurture ourselves and each other along with our children. They are such a joy, so adored and long awaited and we pour ourselves out. There’s little left for each other at times, guilt and exhaustion. But here we are, celebrating us as Spring drips with honey blossoms and rain. We keep holding on, we keep learning. 

Rose sees so much of me, sees me so real. She believes in me, so unwaveringly, and walks with me whatever the path. Her kindness is her shining heart. She’s my safe place to come home to, somewhere where they speak my language and dream my dreams. 

I’ve been incredibly lucky in so many ways. Every year with her is a blessing. She’s absolutely unique and I love living with her, sharing all that we share, waking beside her every morning. She is my beloved and I am hers. 

Remembering Placebo

Tonight I was given a surprise early Christmas gift: a ticket to see Placebo in concert. Stepping out of all the other roles I wear during my day is like coming home. There’s something here beneath everything else, calling my name, reminding me life can be more than this and that those who can’t stand in this place do not meet me, and not should they. You have never met me. 

There’s a place here where I don’t have to be strong, or professional, or feel anything, or hide what I am feeling. Where there’s no ideal against which I’m being measured or benchmark of success. I put on mascara to weep it down my face and I remember there’s a kind of magic in being able to feel something, or making someone else feel. 

Down comes the night, with that sad song. Such is the power of art.

When I pulled an old handbag from the back of my closest for the concert, I found my fountain pen that I lost two years ago. The old Parker I’ve had since I was a teenager, bought with the prize money from a short story competition. 

Here is the space in which I breathe, the place between worlds where the rain falls. Remembering being sixteen again and finding other freaks for the first time, dancing in clubs. Goths are often such gentle creatures, the crowd parts to let me stand in front with my friends. 

Maybe one day we will stop pretending we fit into the world. Slicing off toes to step into the shoes. Once we walked the world at 3am, barefoot in the rain. What is it that makes you feel alive? What makes your soul take flight? 

It’s right here, waiting. Right beside you, in the shadow of all your longing to belong. 

My Home Office

I’m currently looking into office and studio spaces locally. It’s been wonderful, exploring what’s around and thinking about what suits me best. There’s some beautiful places locally, some geared for women, or start ups, or collaboration. 

Working from home has been difficult but also wonderful. I love the peace in the mornings when I’m alone, access to my own kitchen for lunch, the ability to hang a load of washing between other tasks. I’m not so far away, able to move between family and work more easily.

The room in bedroom mode

Beds packed away

The room in office mode

The difficulties are that shared space is very tight, so my home office shares with my bedroom. Rose, myself, Star, and Poppy, 2 cats, plus my office, art studio, and everything associated with my networks are all in our 2 bedroom unit. And that blurry line between family and work can be a problem for someone like me. When work is available I can do far too long hours, and when I’m visibly present it’s hard for others not to call on me and eat away at my work time. 

So I’ve been touring Adelaide over the past couple of weeks, visiting available spaces and meeting interesting people for coffee. It’s been just what I need, a breath of fresh air and exposure to new people and new ideas to rejuvenate how I work. 

I’m planning a holiday down south soon, so if you have a studio, gallery, or other wonderful site I could visit, let me know! I’m gathering ideas and learning a lot for setting up my own space.  🙂 

Nesting under critters

I’m doing a great deal of reflecting at the moment on my work and career and how I’ve got to where I am now and what’s next. 

One thing I’ve resolved to change is the way my imposter experience makes me relate to others. When people value my work I can become overwhelmed and avoidant. At my first solo art exhibition, several people approached me wanting to buy work. I took their email addresses and promised to get in touch the following week. Instead, I froze up and didn’t speak to most of them for 3 years! 

It’s difficult to run a business with this approach. 😉 So I’ve been making time to meet and touch base with others lately, to hear about their projects, discuss potential collaborations, and gather skills and find resources. It’s been quite wonderful. 

Today was a bit exhausting driving all over for appointments and meetings, but this evening has been wonderful – talking to long distance friends and being nested under critters. I’ve got a lot of good people around me and they make me feel that the blocks in front of me are not so high, and the dreams not so out of reach. ❤

My First International Talk

I’ve reached a few milestones lately and now that some of the big projects are done it’s time to reflect and celebrate!

Earlier this year, I was invited to go to California and speak at an internal Google conference. How wonderful! I actually googled the sender to make sure I wasn’t being pranked. 🙂 Even better, there were others like me at the conference or giving talks of their own. I was ecstatic to meet up with others who were openly plural (their term for what I call multiple) and employed in a  non mental health setting. This is the first time I have ever come across this! The two conference organisers and myself negotiated fees and expenses, I talked to the lovely people at Artslaw about contracts with international clients, and then picked the brains of a few brilliant people I know such as Ron Coleman, Helen Glover, and Mary O’Hagan about their best tips for international speaking. We were then able to get into into the really fun part of audience and topic. These kinds of collaborations are some of my favourite work.

Rose and I started a campaign on Gofundme with assistance from some friends who assured me that I would not actually catch on fire and die if I asked for some support from my community, and helped me nut out some cool gifts for different donation amounts and so on. (I have good friends, thankfully) This was so that Rose and Poppy could join me on the trip for extra support for me and as I’m breastfeeding Poppy to keep looking after her. So after much hand holding and brainstorming, we set it up. I created and purchased my cool gifts to thank contributors and planned some local fundraising events with talks and art print auctions.

As is the way with such projects, we encountered some bumps. They were tough on our team but in a paradoxical way appropriate to the topic – which was self care. I decided that I had no business giving a talk on the topic if I couldn’t show it in action when circumstances became difficult – not just for myself but my clients. The big bump was that the conference organisers encountered some unexpected limitations on how their budget was to be used, which precluded my travel arrangements. We each tried some workarounds that looked promising for a time but ultimately didn’t come through. For a little while it seemed the whole project might collapse, and I felt all the things someone feels when you have a public project hitting a tough spot – anxiety and embarrassment, fear that those who had generously donated would feel used, or that those who had been following my career would conclude I had done something wrong or been less professional, or valuable than my client had first thought. Confidentiality and the need for discretion made things extra complicated.

This year has been an interesting experience in dealing with bigger contracts, larger clients, and my very public career development. Navigating them all in a public context as an artist and blogger has often meant I’ve needed to take time out and really consider how to approach my new circumstances and what ethics, transparency, vulnerability, and authenticity all look like in this new space. I have a very clear set of guidelines and boundaries for my public sharing to be safe and responsible in my personal life – you’ll never read me complaining about Rose, or posting something that embarrasses Star for example. Work clients have their own needs and sensitivities to how they and their collaborators are portrayed. And as a contractor who blogs from the same place I draw my work skills from – thinking, reflections, explorations of ideas, designs, frameworks, approaches – I’m also having to navigate the public emerging of my own career, as my work opportunities are both drawn from readers of this blog, but also put off by willingness to show my vulnerabilities in a context (small business, contractor, entrepreneur) where success and confidence is what sells. (more about that another time)

So, I stopped fundraising, my clients and I negotiated a win/win outcome with what we had to work with, and I bought a decent webcam and delivered the talk online. It was a novel experience, I found myself feeling deeply cut off from my senses. I usually spend time with a crowd before my talk and get a sense of them, read the room during and adjust my material depending on the signals I get back, and – the best part- hang out in a corridor afterwards to chat to anyone who wants to share their response. Online was an entirely different kettle of fish. The feedback was very positive, so the material and delivery were still valuable online, and I’m glad it opens up options to be involved in conferences and projects at a distance. However, the sense of dislocation and disconnection for me were the opposite of my usual experiences of speaking. The connection with others is what I value most about talks and workshops and I hadn’t realised that until this experience. I also missed out on listening to other speakers which was deeply sad. However, the opportunity itself was valuable and very appreciated. I learned new skills, got to work with good people, and I’m proud of the way we all navigated it to an excellent outcome. It was a great opportunity to put skills into practice and develop strengths. The topic of self care is frequently handled very poorly and is incredibly relevant. As usual my credibility was not drawn from having all the answers but from having found the regular answers incredibly unhelpful and really wrestled in a painful, personal, and wonderful way, with the topic. It was good work, and it was good to work.

I’m now going to offer a refund on all donations for the trip, and honor the gifts I promised even if the money is refunded. I’m working on new opportunities overseas so I know some people will be happy to have their donation go towards that trip instead. It’s been important to me to have a range of options, and time to be clear about what happened. I appreciate my community a great deal and I don’t like to let my anxiety or inexperience get in the way of good communication.

So, International Speaker. 7 years ago I gave my first public talk, outing myself as having DID, trembling so much I had to sit for the duration. I still have the powerpoint. Doesn’t life take you funny places. Thankyou for being part of it with me.

Happy first birthday, Poppy

Cake is in the oven, baking. I have backup sponge cake in case of emergency. I’m nursing her to sleep then I’ll make chocolate popping candy spiders for treats, and whip a white chocolate ganache for the cake. Nothing is essential and if anything doesn’t get done, everything will be fine. Nothing needs to be perfect. I can’t quite believe I’m making my daughter’s first birthday cake! I’ve been waiting for this a long time. 🙂

Reflections on the past year:

When Poppy was about 6 months old, I baked peanut cookies. I was gifted a second hand Kenwood mixer for Christmas and I love it. I learned to bake using my Mum’s mixer and I feel very at home, delighted, familiar. Our baker comes out and hums happily around the kitchen, thinking of Grandma. Flour sprinkles into the floor like the lightest snow.
A few months ago was bin night. As we dragged out the bins Rose and I started pulling weeds from the front yard on impulse. It was dark and starry and the garden had been soaked so the earth was soft and wet. In about 20 minutes we filled our green compost bin. We had mud on our feet. Grasping nettles firmly in the dark, fingers fumbling around thorns. A dark joy rising, to be in the earth, in the night, hands in soil, the scent of roses.

Changing Poppy first thing in the morning. She wakes with a sleepy smile and stares into my eyes. Milk runs down my body and spatters like rain on the linoleum. Poppy is so alert and so focused on the world around her but in moments like these it’s just her and I alone and something wordless between us. I have to watch for them or they are easy to miss. It’s a kind of knowing, quiet and strong.

Sick with gastro. Wracked with pain and vomiting. Crying quietly so as not to wake my family. Poppy needs milk. I lie on my side too exhausted to weep and Rose brings Poppy to nurse. I have to hold both her hands or she is like a kitten and folds her sharp little nails deep into my breast, kneading. Her hair is fine and soft as down. I fall in and out of sleep. In my mind I am alone, unloved, unlovable. I have no tribe and no one is coming. The world is dark and cold and everything hurts. It passes.

Zoe has a new passion for escape. She jumps our 6 foot fences and escapes when frightened of fireworks. New Year’s Day I call everywhere and Rose visits the local pound looking for her. I’m a tangled mess of grief, guilt, fear, relief, and shame. She comes home herself, exhausted and sleeps for 2 days. She whines and wakes everyone up several times a night to investigate the back yard for possums. I sleep her in the laundry with access to the back. For one night she is content. The second night she gets into our neighbors yard and then panics and can’t get back into ours. She’s hysterical by the time I find out and go over to bring her home.

Zoe guards our home and barks at passers-by. Each time Poppy is startled she bites me when nursing. One nipple is bloody and mauled. It won’t heal until I get a cream to treat infection. I rest it for days and pump on that side. The air conditioner floods the bedroom. It rains on the nappies that were drying on the line. Poppy loves Zoe and plays with her tail. Zoe kicks Poppy in the face. It’s all too hard. I’m pinned between love, responsibility, and fear. Fear of judgement from others paralyzes me. I can’t find a way through. I spend the morning in bed crying. I’m rescued, family takes Zoe in and cares for her. 

I miss her every moment. My home is so peaceful. People walk past our house and Poppy nurses unaware. I go from 15 bites a day to 1 bite every 3 days. The guilt is like a tidal river that comes up and down. The stress eases away like floodwaters draining, leaving mud and debris and wide open blue skies.

A friend we haven’t seen often visits. I cook pancakes. We watch cute animal videos on YouTube. Poppy loves cats but bursts into tears at the video of a hedgehog taking a bath. Star plays the guitar in her room and my heart melts.

Rose has a tooth extraction. It’s a difficult procedure and there’s a lot of pain. Five days later she’s still hurting. At 4am she’s overwhelmed by it. I hold her. We can’t tell if it’s infected or just slow to heal. There’s only the ER open. We talk through options. I push for hospital but she’s demoralized and afraid. What if there’s nothing wrong and they are mean? Hospitals are not safe places for Rose. I stroke her hand. She falls asleep with an ice pack nested under her ear like a little red and white bird.

Rose is napping and I am cooking dinner. Star has cuddled Poppy to sleep. Frying chicken sets off the smoke alarm. I run out to it and clip our esky  (cool box) on the way, breaking my little toe. Rose races out of bed to help me. “Poor love!” she cries, “I’m so sorry I slept, I can do the rest of dinner.” I push her out of the kitchen, hopping. Snarl at her “Go away! I’m being nice to you! I’m cooking while you nap, don’t wreck it!” Rose wisely decides not to argue. Poppy sleeps through the whole thing.

Poppy shows the developmental signs she’s ready to start trying food. Strawberries, nectarines, and watermelon are big favorites. Banana and mashed potato not so much. As she gets older she discovers the pleasure of dropping food then stomping on it until it’s squished into her toes. She giggles madly.

I crave bed with a single-mindedness that’s embarrassing. The sheets are changed far too infrequently but I’m so tired by the end of the day I never care. Crawling under my blankets is a kind of bliss. My evenings are spent anchored by one nipple to a small person. I learn I can download books onto an app on my phone. If I turn down the screen brightness and add a blue light filter, it’s almost like reading a book but can be done one handed in the dark. I’m thrilled.

Poppy discovers she can squirt milk by suckling then coming off the breast and leaning on it with her hands. She shoots milk up her own nose and giggles. I spend half my life damp. She hates the breast pump with intensity. I pump milk for day care and she stands at my knee howling with despair that I insist on sharing her milk with this mechanical baby. If she can reach it she pulls the plug or runs away with the hose. 

Poppy gets older and doesn’t coo at me like a little dove anymore. But she does sometimes talk to me in soft little hoots like an owl. She lays beside me in bed, kneeding her sharp little toes into the soft skin of my belly. Her eyes are night sky blue and dusted with stars.

Rose takes Poppy on adventures to gardens or the zoo. She comes home full of joy and exhausted and falls asleep on the couch after dinner. Poppy hurls all her belongings over the loungeroom and sits in her toy box. 

I pick Poppy up from daycare. She runs towards me and we snuggle. My heart explodes. She touched a chicken today, I’m told. Or licked a fence. Or carefully piled dirt on a doll. I wish I could book myself into daycare. It’s been a long time since I touched a chicken. She cries for exactly 1 minute, then falls asleep on the drive home, every time. 

Birthday mornings are presents in the big bed. Rose wakes is all for the minute Poppy was born. Star tears a little corner on the gifts so Poppy can unwrap them herself. Poppy tears apart the wrapping with a huge smile. She gets duplo, a wooden toy, an octopus bath toy, a frog book, wooden whistle, small trampoline, and baby bike. Everyone decides 7am is too early and goes back to bed for more sleep. It’s a good day. 

Happy first year, little love. You are my bright and shining joy. 

Storms

It’s been a long week. Painting lifts me out of myself, is a balm to the distress. The storms in my mind ease. There’s been so much sadness lately, and such hard work.

I went and cried in my GP’s office earlier and she was impressive. She gave a hug, diagnosed me with exhaustion, and got me a cup of tea and a biscuit while I recovered in the waiting room. That’s how you do it.

Quality of care like that is rare and precious. So simple and yet underlying the simple act of kindness is a whole philosophy of equality and value, and a host of complex personal skills that are difficult to teach in the way we traditionally teach people, and frequently undervalued. 

Tonight Rose walked Poppy to sleep in the pram and we both painted. Radiohead playing in the background, a little wildness in the corner of a very domestic life, a stolen hour outside of our roles. Skin hungry we reach across to touch. My soul cries out for nourishment and my heart for rest and safety. We both breathe in the night and the paint on our hands. A friend drops by with birthday treats for Rose. There’s so much beauty here, so much love. We’ll be okay. 

Birth Workshop

I had a beautiful, and traumatic birth with Poppy. It’s complex. I was glad to have the opportunity recently to attend a birth workshop with Rose and unpack some of my experience. If you’re in Adelaide you’re welcome to attend the presentation of our group’s reflections this Wednesday. Details here.

Poppy fell asleep in my arms in our last workshop. Rose snapped this shot of me while we were meditating. She is the most beautiful, joyful, tender heart of my world. It was precious to reconnect with that sense of the sacred that was so present when she was born. 

Star needs surgery

Our lovely Star has badly injured her knee while sparring in her Taekwondo class. A black belt student accidentally kicked her with so much force it’s ruptured the ACL, torn cartilage, bruised the bones, and sprained another ligament. She’s spent a week in a splint from her hip to her ankle, another week going around to medical appointments, and is now in the care of a physio and walking short distances. The knee has begun to seize so she’s on a program of gentle exercise, rest, and ice to squeeze the fluid out of the joint and regain some of her range of motion in preparation for surgery. 

She will need a reconstruction of the ACL, which is done by harvesting from her hamstring muscle/s. Until then she is not able to do any sports or other activities apart from walking. 

This would be tough for any young person but there’s an extra dimension for Star. She’s been struggling with back pain since she came into our family, and we found a gentle and skilled osteopath to support her. Her assessment was that the pain was being caused by chronic muscle tension – related to trauma and anxiety. (On a small level we all do this when stressed – grind our teeth or get tension headaches. Some of us hold more tension through all our body and unless we take care to tune back in and ease the muscles, we can suffer terrible pain as a result) Star’s osteopath eased the pain with massage and recommended a regular exercise program. 

It took a long time for Star to find something she felt comfortable with and we were surprised to discover she turned out to love and excel at Taekwondo. She’d recently graded, getting 94% and progressing to yellow belt. She was in the process of arranging to train an extra day a week, as well as taking on a yoga class with me every fortnight, and with the regular exercise was no longer needing to see the osteopath.

I can’t emphasize how essential care of your body is when there’s trauma or anxiety. I didn’t know this when I was young and went on to develop fibromyalgia and suffer intense pain for many years. Posttraumatic stress is a risk factor for fibromyalgia. I’ve been thrilled to see Star’s back pain reduce and her sleeping improve, and I’m daunted by how we’re going to manage now she’s only able to walk.

It’s looking like it will take a couple of years for her surgery on the public system wait list, so we are currently exploring ways of funding it privately. It will cost about $9,000, plus rehabilitation. Unfortunately when I sought private health cover we were unable to include her in our family cover because she is not our biological child, and she was too young to sign herself up independently. So we expect to have a little cover through the sports club insurance, but most of the cost we’ll need to arrange ourselves. We’re still figuring that out. After the surgery she will still be off sports for another year while her knee strengthens. 

It’s been a big blow for her and us. But we are doing our best to support her through it and scaffold her with the resources she needs to recover. She’s had the most incredible response to it, from using breathing techniques to deal with the initial severe pain while waiting for the ambulance, to her resolution to practice life skills for when things don’t go according to plan. Her willingness to accept and embrace her own real, painful feelings but also look for the positives is admirable. I am so proud of her. We never choose life experiences like this, but we can learn a great deal from them, especially with some support to process and reflect. So that’s what we’re doing!

In sickness and health

Poppy and I yesterday, visiting hospital. Rose had a very long day of health tests, and one of my best friends had a miscarriage. There’s been a lot of sickness and loss in my world lately. I’m heavy with sorrow and doing my best to be with the people I love. No one should have to endure such things alone. Always my heart aches for the people alone in the ED, especially the elderly. I’m struck by how often I’ve done this, on my life. Sat by the side of someone in pain. And how lucky I’ve been to have someone there for me, holding my hand, parking the car, remembering what dates symptoms started. 

I had a dream the other night that I opened a whole new part of my business, offering personal support for people. I’d done doula training and was there for people in birth or death or at other vulnerable times – at the dentist, getting a pap smear, navigating a psychotic episode, dealing with a severe pain flare… All things I’ve done and learned to do to a high standard in my personal life (although sometimes impaired by my own crises – I’m sick and pretty exhausted this week, I doubt I’ve been at my best in this role). In my dream, I called this work ‘Life Support’ and I could be there myself or teach people how to hold the space for their own loved ones, and of course, themselves. It was very beautiful, hard but very satisfying work.

Rose and Poppy are recovering from the flu at the moment, and Star and myself have head colds and sinus infections. I spent half of today in bed feeling very sorry for myself. Days like today I’m glad I often work from home, my desk is next to the heater and piled with tissues – I’d certainly not want to bring my bugs into an office. It’s not pretty at the moment, but we’re patient and it will get better again. 

Being Human

Today I fell in love with a poem by Hafiz – “The beauty of the mountain is talked about mostly from a distance…”

I baked chocolate chip cookies because sometimes everything is wrong with the world and baking is one way I can put some tiny corner of it right.

I sat in a hospital with one of my best friends, chatting about art and life and other inanities to while away the hours waiting for a doctor.

I kissed my darling Rose, who has the flu, on her cheek. I wiped Poppy’s nose – she also has the flu. I nursed and nursed again.

I read two articles about focusing that spoke to me, one about bringing more awareness to your sensations of pain to help reduce the intensity of the message (The Paradox of Pain) and another about compassionately engaging with your inner critic (How to Stop Being Bullied – By Yourself).

I’ve done what I’ve done for so much of my life – been the support person, learned, reflected, organised, been present in many different ways, imperfectly but sufficiently. Tended.

My garden is full of dead roses and jonquils and the first of the weeds brought out by the rains. I cleaned up the backyard recently so Poppy could play and Star who is injured, would have a nice place to sit outdoors that’s close by.


There’s a lot of pain in my world of late, but there’s also peace and even contentment. Some mornings it’s taking me an hour of crying to get out of bed. I’m training my thoughts towards the beautiful things in my life. Giving myself rests between holding up the sky. Writing in my journal with my bone pen. Falling in love with ancient poems. Meditating upon what it is to be human.

New Oil Painting

Today I started a new art class at the Adelaide Central School of Arts. We’re learning the techniques of the old Masters, copying an old artwork on the process. This is how all apprentice artists used to learn, back in the days of guilds.

The smell of the paint is beautiful. Choosing the artwork to copy was difficult. I was drawn to a child, and to an elderly beaded man, and a young man in a green velvet coat… But chose this woman (on the left) with her flowing gown.

This is just the underpainting, a wash over a ground, designed to start setting the tonal value of the work. Next week we’ll add the light areas and the following week begin painting skin tones.

It was a pleasure to be among artists again, I have felt lonesome lately. The teacher was engaging and not too intimidating, and the rest of the class had a good vibe, friendly and ernest. I’m grateful and looking forward to the next one.

Together we are stronger

It was a good day and at the end of it, I’m snuggled into a warm bed with my daughter. My heart is so happy and so damn proud. My family have been through an awful few weeks. We’ve been really hurting. A great deal of loss and sickness and heartache, one after the other. Yet here we are, holding each other gently. Listening and learning and finding what we need. There’s been a lot of self care, reflection, debriefing, and making space for big, painful feelings going on. We are an amazing team, I’m really so in love with us. My heart is full.

Pain

I’m just going to lie here and try to remember that I am an okay person and all the pain and darkness in the world is not my fault and does not need to live within my skin. I’m just going to lie here and feel the tension of public life like a child trying to decide whether to tell the adults about the bad things happening, wondering what it costs me to be honest or to keep secrets, in my heart I’m walking the ocean alone by the sea grass and the pelican bones and I’m so flooded with ghosts I’m choking on them.

I’m just going to lie here and try to follow instructions, recall my successes and my skills, feel them in my body in my breath, in the bones of me, really feel them. I’m just going to try and stop the avalanche of self hate and darkness and failure that’s killing me that’s making so much noise I can’t hear the sound of my own tears falling or the breaking of my heart.

I’m just going to lie here and breathe and remember that I’m not alone and that my darkness is not even mine, it is ours, that I’ve borrowed it from one neighbor and it will pass from me onto another, that it climbs in the chest of all people on one night or another and turns us in violent panic against ourselves.

As I lie here I can feel myself moving in and out of anguish like the tide or waves of darkness or sex or rape. Self hate changes to deep sadness, to a howl of anguish that is somehow cleaner and deeper a wound but cut so far into the heart of me I can’t bear it and go back to self hate and the drums of war in my flesh.

Some days all my dreams are broken ships or wounded satellites, falling. I find myself walking a strange world dressed with lies I can’t believe and people who cannot love or speak the truth. My hands shed despair like skin or shadows and I remember that this is part of what it is to be alive, the anguish in the night and the sad wild cry of gulls and the body broken. I withe on my rack because we do not do pain in public in our world, we do not howl at graves or beat our breasts at funerals, we do not cry at work or scream at school or cut ourselves on campus or we’ll be escorted off and banned and no one minds terribly if you kill yourself as long as you don’t do it on public property or let your kids find you. It’s a strange and broken world and I’m just going to lie here. I’m just going to lie here.

Watercolour mixing chart

I have a new lovely set of watercolour paints, and I’m creating a number of charts to learn how the colours handle and mix. This one is Ultramarine Blue, being mixed with every other color in the set of 45. I prefer inks to watercolours, they are even less forgiving and more vibrant, but it’s still a medium I enjoy. I took a class recently and painted some chickens. The light to dark sequence of paint application was a bit mind bending after doing so much oil painting which is often the reverse, but pushing the limits of my technical skills is great fun. There’s something quite joyful and meditative about colour charts.

Robert Oster Inks

I received some beautiful new inks by local maker Robert Oster and I’ve found a little time carved from work and family and sleep to paint and play. Aren’t they stunning? I’m thrilled, and it’s very special to have inks made in my own area.

Lovely Star suffered a bad knee injury at Taekwondo the other night and our whole family spent all night in the hospital with her. We are still such a young family ,(she only came to live with us 18 ago) all the time we encounter new situations and have to decide how we will deal with them. We decided that everyone would come and be together. It was a long night but we kept our spirits up. She’s home now in a splint that goes from her hip to her ankle. She was amazingly tough, using breathing techniques to manage the pain of damaged ligaments and dislocation while waiting a long time for the ambulance. She’s navigating the loss of independence and needing help with everything with good grace. I’ve taken some time off work to help care for her and we’ve borrowed some movies, and friends have been visiting. It’s miserable and painful, we’re waiting for a referral to an orthopedic specialist to find out how badly it’s been damaged and whether it will heal on its own or needs surgery. 

It’s been a challenging few weeks, Rose is recovering from her heart problems, and Poppy is still getting over an ear infection and tonsillitis. I’m a bit up and down with so much going on. Snatching time here and there for a little art helps keep the lethargy and greyness of depression at bay. On the bad days I cry a lot. On the good days Poppy and I dance to music in our socks. Either way, there’s dishes to be done and nappies to be washed and the ceaseless clockwork of keeping a household functioning. The rage has eased and I’m much more patient still. Rose tries to create time for inks because, she says, when there’s art on my day, I’m my better self for all the rest of it. Kinder, wiser, gentler, more grounded. My heart was green and teal and tranquil and my brush flowed.

Ink on my fingers

Today was lovely. Rose is on the mend. I’ve taken a few days off work for everything not urgent, and rallied the tribe to help keep Rose and Poppy company during the couple of meetings or gigs I needed to attend. I’m feeling better myself after getting a bit more sleep – Poppy seems to have reached her sleep regression a bit early, she’s stopped one of her day time naps and is sometimes up in the small hours too. Last night Rose walked her around the block so I could rest up a bit too after cluster feeding her in bed for several hours, and today Rose slept while I looked after Poppy. 

My headspace crashed when I got sick too, but today I really enjoyed myself. I am feeling a little obsessive about some new art supplies and enjoying researching them and how to use them. I played with inks and typographies, and got back onto Pinterest. I’ve also been cooking the past few days which I love. I’ve made warm chicken salad, cauliflower soup, warm pumpkin and sweet potato salad, and pear and rhubarb crumble. As much as I love working I really do enjoy some aspects of home life, and I’ve missed cooking. We are now looking at doing a bit of a roster for cooking because Rose appreciates a bit of time off and having a nice meal made for her too. 

It’s also been really nice to hang out with Poppy all day. She finally fell asleep at 3pm after being grouchy all day and I tucked her up under a blanket and just snuggled her on my chest and smelled her hair for an hour. It was magic. Star and I walked with her to the local playground and we planned parties. Star, Rose, and Poppy all have birthdays within a week of each other! This will be our first year trying to balance them all. I’m determined to make sure all my girls feel special.

I’m also looking into professional development opportunities, trying to figure out which skills to strengthen for my business. There are some very interesting graphic design, illustration, and media communication courses out there, but so far nothing part time or flexible enough to fit around my work… Doula studies also really interest me but the unpredictable career seems challenging to combine with my other responsibilities. Community consultation has been an incredible joy to be part of, but SA is a small pond for work like that. Extending my skills in service design and evaluation, and organisational culture could be an excellent fit, but again the career is a little uncertain. Certainly there are books calling my name to write them, but only madmen consider writing a viable career. I’d love to add some more skills around arts administration and curating too, and graduate level public health is interesting as is community development and policy writing. I just can’t quite see where my next step is or what my particular career path might look like, so it’s hard to know where to prepare and what skills to strengthen. Hmmmm! 

I’m ecstatic to be working full time between my various skills, and determined to grow my business. I’d like to be secure enough to move my family into a larger home in private rental, and to wean off welfare as much as possible. Currently I’m supporting Poppy to have swimming lessons and keeping a second vehicle running for Star to have driving lessons in and I can’t tell you how proud that makes me. I went to the chemist when Rose got sick and pulled $100 from savings and spent it all on medications and vitamins and probiotics and didn’t need to go without a basic need to do so. I don’t really recommend adopting a teenager, having a baby, and starting full time work within the same 18 months, it has been brutal at times and the bad days are pretty black. I have never worked so hard in all my life. But it’s also wonderful, so many dreams come true. I endure the bad days with help from friends, and soak up the rest as best I can. Keeping a small person (and the rest of us) alive for a whole year feels like a massive achievement and I’m looking forward to celebrating it!

Nursing Rose

My darling Rose is sick. Tonight we’re tucked up on the couch with cauliflower and bacon soup, watching Harry Potter. 

That’s a considerable improvement on last night where she was hanging out in the ER and I was shuttling between her and the girls at home. Fortunately nothing is seriously wrong, and with a few weeks rest she should be feeling a lot better. She went in to have pain in her chest and leg investigated in case they were a heart attack or a blood clot. The chest pain turned out to be inflammation in the lining of the heart, and the leg they believe is a ruptured cyst. Both painful but not dangerous. She’s feeling pretty miserable and has also come down with tonsillitis, poor love. It’s really not been her year, she’s had so many health challenges and difficult circumstances to navigate. She’s still an incredibly devoted parent but is needing some extra down time and support. Fortunately work are understanding so we’ve both taken a few days off. Poppy missed us both badly and has been really unsettled today and struggled to sleep orv play by herself. So we’ve cancelled day care tomorrow to give her some extra snuggles and hopefully with some love and rest we’ll all be feeling a lot brighter very soon. 

My lovely Rose

I came home from work the other day to find Rose sick and tucked up on the couch under a blanket. I washed some dishes and made dinner, which is always a bit tough when I’ve been away all day because Poppy is so sad that I’m home but still trying to do other things. I nursed and cuddled first, and played and sang to her while cooking but after awhile it wasn’t enough and she was crying holding onto my leg. Rose got up and tickle-chased her around the house. My home rings with baby giggles and whoops of delight and I feel like my heart is going to burst.

It’s been one hell of an adjustment, this year. Brilliant, but huge changes and new skills needed. I had a great conversation with my shrink my other day who helped me get out of a hyper-critical mindset I’ve been stuck in and my heart is so much lighter. 

Rose and I have been hurting, feeling like however much we love each other, our relationship was withering. A desert was opening up between us. We moved between talking about love and marriage and having more children, and wondering if we might break up and fall apart, bewildered by how our relationship has changed so much in such a short time. And under everything else has been a kind of fury in me, killing every living thing around me. Every day a few more trees dead and the desert a little bigger. 

Fear will do that to do you. I want to be good enough. I want to keep my job. I want to get my family out of poverty and cramped public housing. I want to raise my girls well. When I’m terrified I’m not good enough, when I feel like I’m straining under a load too heavy to carry, when I’m giving everything and it’s still not right then terror has teeth in my soul and a kind of violent frenzy grips me. I try to succeed through criticism, motivate myself through brutality. Every imperfection is magnified and my campaign of self improvement is bloody. Every error I make – or Rose makes – must be corrected immediately or we will live like this for the rest of our lives. There’s no time to learn, no space for growing and talking over and trying again. Gone is the beautiful ‘muddling’ of our pre-parenting days. The stakes are high and perfection is the baseline of acceptable. 

We tear apart. Even when I bite down all the harsh words and speak none of them, my rage boils just beneath my skin and we can both feel it. I burn like a nuclear bomb and the fallout is soft, silent, deadly, and widespread. 

We talk bewildered. Why? What’s happened? I used to be kind, now I’m scary. The word abusive is brought into view and something in me drowns in tears and despair. It’s true. How did this happen? Why am I like this? How do I stop? What’s happened to me, to us? I used to be her safe place. I hate myself. I cut deep into my own heart, looking for the cancer. Trying to be better. Imsorryimsorryimsorryilltrytobebetter. Self hate and rage and terror add intensity. She has nightmares of me. The desert just keeps growing.

Stop and look at what you’ve achieved, says the shrink. Tell me about your skills and success and accomplishments. Vividly. Feel them, in your heart, in your body. Embody them. Bring them from head knowledge into the rest of you. Every time the criticism, anxiety, or despair comes. Remember your successes. Be kind to yourself and to her. Go back to your healing roots. Get away from delusional self improvement, terror of failure, and brutal perfectionism. 

I come home and we sigh with relief, hold each other tight. The war moves away, out of my skin and bones. No more nuclear winter. The rage leaves like a bad memory of a dream I once had. We touch again, unthinkingly, lightly, like leaves falling. We kiss. When she’s hurting I feel only compassion. I can see how hard she’s trying and how battered her heart is. Her brilliance begins to shine again. She can think more clearly around me, show her strengths better, be more competent. I can see how skilled she is, how amazing she is. I fall for her all over again, her eyes like hazelnuts and green pine bark, her hair a halo of curls. She crawls off the couch and chases Poppy around the house, who squeals with delight. The forest fire stops raging and I become a small fire in a hearth once again, bright and warm and safe to be close to. Banked against the cold night and able to roar if needed, but not burning down the house.

Life becomes a joy again. There’s pain around me, confusion, darkness, death. But a relief bubbles up through it all. She’s my Rose again and I’m worthy of her trust again. She lights down in my heart like a bird nesting. My demons murmur but they don’t run the parliament. The darkness is there between the stars in our eyes, the taste of death and blood. Our hopes like ships upon the waters. The smell of our baby in my arms, milky kisses on my cheek and the quiet steady ache of my arms to have her in them. Finding my way back to connection for each of my precious family. Remembering laughter is what makes the night shorter and less savage. 

And I’m blemished but no longer the snake in our nest. The knife in my smile is sheathed. She doesn’t flinch when I walk near, my beautiful love, my beloved. In her bad dreams she stirs and I wake. She reaches for me in her sleep, fingers tangled into fingers. My heart croons peace to hers like a dove. The joy in my world is like the moon rising. She rests her head against my heart. She rests her heart within my arms. I’m hers again. I’m hers. 

A good day

The perils of a home office in a very small house…

Rose and I have had a beautiful day. There was a lot of anxiety for me but I muddled through it and I’m proud of the work I did today. Friends with good news visited for dinner. I made risotto and between us Rose and I got half the collection of dishes done, and 4 loads of laundry away. Poppy tipped a leftover bowl of milk and cereal on the kitchen floor, then jumped on the soggy sliced bananas in her socks, squealing with joy. There’s been hugs and gentle conversion and connection. It’s been a good day.

Free things

I have had an absolutely wonderful day. Rose and I took Poppy to swimming classes this morning. Then there’s been cleaning and organising, researching of paint and other art supplies online, and dinner over a movie in our tidy loungeroom. Poppy is asleep on my lap, boxes of things are away on the shed, my studio has had some loving attention, and all is right with my world.

Yesterday was tough which I expected, we were switchy and anxious and teary for lots of it, sleep deprived and happy-sad about a big work event we completed. We tried to sleep but couldn’t, got overwhelmed by work emails coming in, took Poppy to the park and just hid from all the stressful things for a bit. Today we’ve ignored everything work related and focused on home and it’s been blissful. Rose and I are watching Anne of Green Gabels (Anne with an E) on Netflix, which reminds us so much of our own childhoods as well as taking in Star unexpectedly. It’s beautiful. I see so much of our lives in it. It’s been a glorious day.

Oh, I have a few things surplus to requirements which I’m going to donate to the local op shop unless someone would like them. Free, pickup near Adelaide or cover the cost of the postage. I’ve squeezed tubes and shaken tubs to make sure they haven’t dried out, but I haven’t tested for any separation of pigment and binder so I’m not guaranteeing anything, some of these are pretty old. First in, best dressed. ❤

Update: all items gone

Used folk art artists acrylics

Small metal enameled pot. I was using it as a pen holder.

Acrylic paint set, new.

Mont marte slow drying medium for oil paint

Water based satin varnish, acrylic paints, used.

Mainly folk art paints, used

Watercolour paints new

Jo Sonja’s Retarder medium, new. Glass and tile medium, used. Decopage varnish, new.

Mainly folk art paints, used.

If you’d like something, send an email to sarah@di.org.au so I know who asked for what first. x