General News

A Better Morning

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I woke yesterday from strange dreams where I was homeless again, running from people who wanted to hurt me. I was living in the streets in a dark, crowded world, trying to stay hidden and find somewhere safe. When I woke I found the fibro pain was present but the sinus pain easing, and a melancholy message from Rose on my phone. I sent her poems about sadness and hope. Then I got up, made a cup of green and cranberry tea, turned my armchair to face my garden through the window, and got out my pen to write. For this, I had more company than perhaps I would have wished. It had been wet the night before so the garden was pearled and fragrant. Poems and ink flowed. I’ve had some very interesting conversations lately and things are starting to gel in my mind about why this depression has come. It’s calming my heart, helping me find ways through. Sometimes it helps more to talk with old friends who know me well than the shrinks who do not. Things are moving inside, my system is shifting and responding. I’m starting to see a path. I’m writing again.

It’s not over. There’s still anguish inside. I’m still moving slowly, underwater, fragile and lost. I don’t recognise friends, I’m disconnected from my life, choices, goals, dreams. But I perceive a relationship between hope and hopelessness. With the dreams of a bright future now comes also the dread certainty of loss. Listening to both those voices, both songs, the dark and bright, the singing and the screaming in my heart.

Yesterday I sat by my window and remembered what it was like to live in a caravan. Permeable to sound, cold, heat , mosquitoes. Cramped, delightful, stressful with noise in the early morning, people walking past my windows, garden dying in the heat. But I loved it, the river nearby, the solitude, the bath a short walk away, pots of basil and of jonquils. I can find that again, that joy in an imperfect and temporary home. It’s not what I’ve been dreaming of for this house, not my safe forever home, but I can find that acceptance again. I can let my dreamers enjoy the space, the studio, the garden. It’s not so rotten and tainted that there’s no stars at all here. I can live more lightly in the space, less fear, I’m a temporary warden only. Garden for those who will come after me. Climb trees, go camping, sleep under stars when I need to. It need not be a cage or trap. I can let the old dream go, the hope for years of security go. It can be imperfect and beautiful.

We passed basic training!!

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I say ‘we’ because the experience was as much about training myself and Rose as it was about Zoe learning stuff. Zoe is doing awesomely well these days. She is walking on a loose lead all the time, will sit, drop, watch, fetch, give, jump up, and jump down (ie on a low wall or into a car). She sleeps indoors between a couple of baby barriers with no fuss and holds her bladder all night. She comes when called most of the time, can can be pretty easily walked away even from a situation she finds really exciting. She’s coping with the excitement of visitors, people walking past the house, and cyclists much better than ever before. She has really only 2 major Achilles heels, her fascination with cats, and her fascination with other dogs. Her capacity to follow any of these instructions with either in the vicinity is very low – which is why I’m so surprised we pulled off a pass! Even managed a 4 second watch with a gorgeous Labrador puppy right next to us!

The plan is now to go on to advanced training and later on, agility classes, and to work on finding her new friends to hang out with and play as she is clearly quite lonely for other dog company. We’re also going to work on the first sleepovers at Rose’s place with her, when we feel strong enough. 🙂 I can’t leave her alone at night so I’m pretty house bound unless I put her in a kennel, which is a pretty horrible place for her to be. Hopefully I’ll get her used to travelling and sleeping in a crate and that will open doors to camping etc again. 🙂

It’s been very hard work but I have learned a lot and owe a huge debt of gratitude to the trainers who’ve helped us out. When I go down to the beach at 1am to sit and write poetry, I’m grateful to have a lovely dog there who sticks by me and makes me feel very safe. Rose and I can walk hand in hand with Zoe almost anywhere and be free from harassment. She’s affectionate and sweet and full of life. It’s still a challenge some days, when Rose is sick but I have to go home to look after Zoe, when I’m exhausted and in pain and she needs a walk, when Zoe refuses to stop harassing the poor cat, or eats something off the washing line. But, many days are good days, with a routine that works, good walks, cuddles on the couch, and a happy dog. 

Pets And Stress

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Sarsaparilla has stuck close to me for days. He follows me from bed to couch and back again, snuggled up really close. It’s lovely. Zoe however is anxious, and is obsessively licking and chewing her feet, resulting in several sores. It’s very distressing. I have a cream from the vet that numbs and prevents swelling and infection, apart from that I’m bathing them in salt water twice a day. I hope she stops soon 😦

I’ve been in bed all day, I still have a sinus infection and I’m sore and a bit miserable. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. We talked about trying to get me into an intermediate care center if I am really struggling at home this week. The thought fills me with relief and fear in equal measure. I’m going to continue to try and create safety at home for the moment. I’ve cancelled everything this week and touched base with some friends and booked in some social time which I’m really looking forward to. Rose came over on the weekend and kept me company. We had a really wonderful time, visited some friends, spent all Sunday in our pj’s watching movies. I felt much better, had some giggles, enjoyed the trans show and the Dr who finale. Even so I spent at least three hours crying on her shoulder, and that was one of my good days this week. So, taking it slowly. Lots of my friends are sick, injured, or struggling with bad news at the moment which is really sad. As soon as the fibro and sinuses let up I’m hoping to do some gardening, and buy a new fountain pen as my lovely Parker had been missing for the months now and I badly need another for ink paintings and wrist poems.

It could be worse. I’m safe, I’m loved.

Staying safe in a crisis

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I’m still in crisis mode here, working on staying safe until I’m in a better head space. I haven’t worked out what’s triggered this mess – that can happen and it can take some time to put things together. The task at the moment is staying safe. I have at least one severely depressed part, which is new territory for us. Anxiety is also sky high, I’m struggling to eat (or keep food down), fighting off a cold and sinus infection, and feeling very unsafe about self harm.

If the mental health system was less toxic, I’d be in care. But because it’s such a mix of good care and abuse, it’s high risk. For someone like me with my diagnoses, it’s likely that I’ll struggle to get any care at all, and that’s not a struggle I have energy for. On one occasion previously when homeless, on the run from domestic violence, exhausted at caring for another mentally ill family member, and seriously suicidal I turned up to ACIS and asked for help… I was told that I had a better chance of surviving alone than I did with their assistance because they do not treat people with DID well.

So that leaves me with trying to manage using my own resources and networks, to create something as safe as I can in my own life. I shut down to the bath if the self harm impulse is overwhelming. I’ve borrowed two bags of books from the library. This gives me something else to focus on. Sometimes they’re a useful escape. Sometimes I read things that help me in some way. There needs to be something to ease that dangerous, frantic despair, the kind that has you running into the night looking for anything that might make you feel differently. I also have movies to watch, preferably long involved ones I already know. The flavour of the week is Harry Potter movies.

Sleep and food are critical. If they are both interrupted I will degenerate into severe dissociation and borderline psychosis. I’m fortunate at the moment in that I’m sleeping. Keeping food happening is more challenging currently. When you’re very anxious your digestion shuts down, the thought, smell, and taste of food becomes unappealing. If I force myself to eat I will vomit. So I have to find small, filling meals of things that tempt me, where the smell or texture don’t turn my stomach. Sometimes this means I eat the same thing every meal – like a bowl of cereal. Sometimes this means I need a different flavour and texture for every meal for a while. This gets very difficult if you’re not well enough to drive and stock the fridge. I need to drink enough fluid that I’m not dehydrating.

I need to keep enough admin going that my life doesn’t crash. This one is hard. I’ve cancelled almost every appointment this week. I’m getting by at the moment. Yesterday I was up to cleaning all the rotten food out of the fridge. I’m keeping up with feeding the pets and sorting out the cat litter tray. I’ve paid my bills. I’ve actually contacted people to cancel appointments instead of just not turning up. I’ve taken the dog to the vet when she was ill. I’ve removed all the clothes and linen the cat has peed on to a big pile in the laundry. I try not to think about all the big things worrying me about my life plans for the next few months or years, or I become hysterical. The goal is just one day at a time. Today I’m hoping to buy milk, cordial, and maybe hang out with some friends this evening if I feel safe enough to drive and have a chance of passing for normal.

I try and stay in touch a little with other people. Facebook can be good for this, if you’re comfortable with that and know how to use your privacy settings. It gets hard to communicate. I’m mixed up. I stood at my kitchen window yesterday and simultaneously felt rigid, bitter despair about my life, and simple childlike joy. That’s hard to explain to other people. In between jags of the kind of distressed crying that we never see on TV because it involves a truly horrifying amount of snot, I look fine. Maybe a bit tired and jumpy. I spent 5 hours yesterday morning trying to work out how to reply to a text from Rose asking me how I was, while she got increasingly concerned. Don’t do that. We’ve since decided that an empty text with an asterisk in it means ‘I’m not about to kill myself, but I’m not very good and I can’t think straight enough to write to you. But I am awake and alive.’ In between thinking about dying, I’m okay, just very flat and tired. There’s even been some confusing but welcome good hours where someone happy turns up. After the first few days I’ve stopped hoping that this means the whole mess is over and getting devastated when I go down again. I also have to be careful because when I don’t feel like a complete mess, it’s easy to over reach and take risks I actually can’t afford to manage at the moment.

I’m short fused and low on tolerance. It’s important to stay away from people and situations that stress me, whether that’s unwelcome advice, overbearing cheerfulness, people who don’t get that I’m touch sensitive when stressed, whatever. Kindness goes a hell of a long way, as does feeling like it’s okay that at the moment, you’re a useless friend and a mess.

I need to not listen to the internal chatter that says things like “You’re just lazy and weak and pathetic and useless and looking for attention and could snap out of it if you really tried”. It helps when I can share that with someone who doesn’t believe it. There’s a sting in being able to confess stuff like this with someone who can say ‘well so what if it is true? I still love you’ and bring you an icecream.

I need space to be honest. My journal, a shrink, friends, somewhere I can pour out all of how messed up I really am feeling, instead of sticking to how I am being told I *should* feel in the hope that will help. Even if that means pouring out pages of reasons I’m a failure or why I hate myself. I need to be damn careful not to drown any one person in this stuff, especially not anyone who’s already vulnerable themselves – or anyone’s who’s inclined to argue about it instead of just being kind, because I might throw things at them.

I need to make sure if I can that at least one other person knows what’s really going on so that if it turns out that my assessment of where I’m up to is really off, someone else will step in.

I need a backup plan and other options in case this doesn’t work. In my case at the moment if next week is still bad I’ll be talking to my shrink. I also run a scale of stress-reduction behaviour according to degree of harm. So for example at the moment I’m struggling with a strong drive to self harm. I’m managing this using distraction, writing, wrist poems, hanging with other people when I don’t feel safe to be alone, and long baths. If I become seriously suicidal and can’t get help, I’ll change focus and let myself self harm if that reduces enough stress and generates enough dissociation to reduce the risk of a suicide attempt. I keep shifting the goals as I need to. If I’m having a good day I try to connect to my networks, get urgent admin done, and go somewhere nice. If I’ve fallen apart I consider that if I’m still breathing at the end of the day that’s a success. In the middle there is an attempt to self care and reduce stress with as little damage to myself, my relationships, and my life as possible.

On that note I’m going to fill a water bottle and watch the Order of the Phoenix.

Sadness

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
I’ve hit a rough patch the past few days, really distressed and overwhelmed. I’m not sure what’s going on, this year has been tough with these. I’m still sleeping and somewhat eating for which I’m grateful. The dog is restless and the cat has taken to peeing on the rugs, towels, and any clothes left on the floors. I have a lot of washing to do. I seem to pick up for a few hours here and there in between panic attacks and depression. I’ve been canceling most of my commitments and I’m just keeping my head down until it eases, my next shrink appointment, or things crash badly enough that I look for more intensive help somewhere. Rose is looking out for me, took us down to the beach tonight to let Zoe have a run and talk about how we’re going to manage this. I’m lucky. I’ve friends, a home, a lot more than I’ve had when I’ve been in trouble some other times in my life. Just got to stay safe until I come through it.

Acceptance

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Had a pretty good day today. It was hard coming home from the Fair to my stressful housing situation and my anxiety had been sky high lately. Rose visited and kept me company through a stressful appointment. I took her out for a treat at my favourite cafe. In a burst of energy I pruned, mowed, swept, and tidied my front yard, then re-washed the load of wet laundry that had been sitting in a basket for several days and yet to be hung out, this time it actually made it into the line. We all went down to the beach and did an hour of training, Zoe has her test for Basic training class this Saturday. She’s going very well with one small but significant glitch – she has almost no capacity to pay attention when other dogs are around, they’re just too interesting. This is going to make the test in class rather interesting.

The evening was spent lying on the couch watching the Hobbit. My pain levels are down, I’ve Zoe sleeping on my legs, I’ve decided to sleep on the couch tonight so she can sleep with me. My neighbour has done nothing more antisocial than chuck a bunch of leaves and garden debris over the fence in a week. My psychiatrist was nice to me when I went in on Monday very stressed and teary. Things are challenging but okay.

I’ve been working on a new mental health approach… Learning to accept even my own lack of self acceptance on my rough days. To have a less perfectionistic, and a more compassionate stance towards my mental health troubles. It’s okay to have issues, even the self loathing kind. If I can’t always stop me from hating myself, maybe I can at least break the spiral where I hate myself for hating myself. So far it’s helping.

Why bother blogging?

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Sometimes I find myself wondering about the value of spending my time blogging. Especially when I’m trying to make a business work as a face and body painter, having so much deeply personal information out there on the net really seems like shooting myself in the foot. In the wake of recent homophobia, I’m wrestling with conflicting impulses to wear my rainbow throw everywhere like a cape – or strip my public online world of every reference to my sexuality, relationship, and mental health.

Whenever I feel like this, I go into my blog and have a look at one area of the stats collected about how this site gets used – the words that people are typing into search engines like google to find my site. Here’s a short collection of things people have been searching the internet for when they found this blog:

    • How to be comfortable with intimacy
    • Grounding techniques for dissociation
    • Adults who lack object constancy
    • Do you need to speak about your trauma?
    • Therapist wants to talk about my childhood
    • I hate positive thinking
    • Dissociative identity disorder pamphlet
    • Safe sex
    • Afraid of my psychotic neighbour
    • Self harm tools
    • Intense self loathing
    • Chronically feeling suicidal
    • I hate myself

How can I not share?

Cape it is.

Bridges Campfire

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I’m in the middle of a weekend of face painting at Monarto Zoo, tired and sore but happy and proud of myself. Last night I had a campfire for the Bridges group in my yard, we roasted potatoes, cocktail frankfurts, and marshmallows. It was a bit frantic for me dashing home, but sitting around the fire was so peaceful. Zoe was chilled and dinner was delicious.

Sarsaparilla’s spot

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Sarsaparilla is adapting to life as a indoor cat. He is terribly cuddly and affectionate, which is making my heart sing. He now often sleeps on my bed at night and on my lap during the day if I’m home. There have been some teething issues, he’s determined, for example, that he should be able to sit on the windowsill above the kitchen sink to catch the evening sun. I’m determined that cats don’t belong on kitchen benches. After 1 glass of milk spilled onto the bed from the bedside table, 1 incident of peeing in the bed (by the cat, not myself), and a total of 7 glasses knocked off the windowsill and broken this week, I’ve capitulated. That spot on the window sill over the kitchen sink is his spot, and I’m moving the remaining glasses elsewhere. Apart from that, he’s gorgeous, and the new situation is a lot safer.

Birthday! Plus, a snake :)

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It’s been a pretty wonderful couple of days. I turned 30 on Friday, and my lovely friends made a big fuss of me. It was a funny kind of day with various minor catastrophes such as a bed soaked in cat pee (Sarsaparilla is not entirely thrilled with his new status in life as an indoor cat) and a minor-ish gas leak. Nonetheless, it was a great day and I was mostly spoiled rotten. That evening I decided to celebrate with a last minute ice cream party. I bought 12 liters of different flavours of icecream and various toppings and invited a bunch of friends around to share it. It was a good gig. I like last minute parties, they don’t work for everyone, but for me with the fibro pretty bad lately, it’s great to be able to book one when I’m feeling well instead of weeks ahead and who knows how I might be feeling on the day. As it was I was very, very tired but otherwise in good spirits and enjoyed the company.

I was rather overwhelmed by the end of the night, there were a couple of relationship snags that hurt, and I also reached the point where people being lovely to me did my head in a bit. I woke the next morning in a sweat, with an overriding concern that planning to have two parties in the one year (this ice cream one and a big one later on when my sister returns home from overseas) was simply the height of narcissism, which set off some self-loathing mess. I’ve had a pretty quiet weekend since, just settling down again. The next day, Rose and I went out to an animal/pet expo and I got to pat a snake.

That was pretty cool. I also bought a very large wheatbag for using when my back pain is flaring, like it has been lately in the cooler weather. I’m spending more time in the bath and in bed at the moment, resting up with bad joint pain. I now have a small collection of wheat bags to warm up my bed and snug around different limbs and joints. It’s making a difference so I’m staying pretty philosophical about things. 

In the Rain

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I woke up yesterday morning to the smell of rain. It was absolutely beautiful, the most glorious scent. Then I remembered all my socks and underwear had been washed and hung out on the line, of course. I wound up spending most of the day in bed with a head cold and some very unhappy sinuses. Too sick to do anything, but not so sick that it was a completely horrible day. Grateful I wasn’t working, I slept for most of the day, and spent the afternoon talking with Rose about life and the future, hopes and fears for it and us. In the evening I got up and washed all my dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen floor, hung another load of washing indoors, made waffles for dinner, lay on the couch to watch tv, and took Zoe for a walk down the beach in the rain, well rugged up.

It was beautiful and solitary down the beach in the storm. I wore many layers of clothing so I didn’t get cold, and found a place to sit and write as the waves crashed and boomed into shore. I’m slowly fumbling my way back to my writing and art after many months of not being able to do much of either. I’ve just spent the early hours of this morning working on a new acrylic and ink painting. I think I’m figuring it out. Actually, my brain has been very busy lately, I think I’m figuring a lot of things out, and when I have a quiet day I’ll sit down and put my thoughts in order and share some of them with you. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the rain if you’re having any, or failing that, the beautiful autumn nights. May there be art, or poetry, or mindfulness, or whatever it is you do that makes you feel whole.

Nearly 30!

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It’s my last day as a 29 year old today. Well, for my body anyway. My system ranges in ages from about 5 years old and upwards. Some of them age over time and some are fixed. Like the 5 year old, who tends to make her presence known through a sudden surge in my passion for icecream, my interest in vending machines selling shiny wrapped packets of lollies and chocolate, and my anxiety level about whether I’ve remembered to put on underwear before leaving the house. (I always have!)

So, I’ve finished and submitted my major art essay yesterday, hurrah! It was a mad day, I worked solidly all day through til 6am researching the topic (the changing role, practice, and idea of what it is to be an artists since the medieval period to now) and writing the essay, kipped off for a few hours sleep and then finished the referencing and conclusion the next day. I now have a brain stuffed full of exiting theories about art and postmoderism and have been annoying all my friends by educating them at length and with great excitement. I love researching!

Today, therefore, is the start of my college holidays!

I have slept in. Sort of. I have stayed in bed a long time and ached, but I’m counting that anyway. The fibro is a bit bad at the moment and nights and mornings are rough. Rose has cooked me a big hot fried breakfast/lunch meal of bacon and eggs and garlicy mushrooms and suchlike. I’ve woken up to find that marriage has just been legalized for gay people in New Zealand. Then, we’re off to see the Turner exhibition! I (we) are very excited about it, it’s going to be a good day! 🙂

Marketing, promotions, and online chaos…

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I’ve been busy this weekend working on a new order of materials for my People Painting business. I’ve finished the Cert 3 in Microbusiness Operations, but in a month or so all the graduating students will be giving presentations about our businesses. There’s a few more materials I’d love to have ready by then to show and tell. One of them is a T-Shirt that I can wear while painting at events, with my name and logo and contact details on it. My facebook friends have been invaluable in providing feedback on many drafts as I’ve worked on this. Of course, providing contact details only works if they’re concise, up to date, and unlikely to change.

Which brings me to the online chaos… I have a number of different life/business areas that need an online presence, and this blog is no longer a good venue to host all of them. However, I’m also unhappy with very long urls such as sarahkreece.wordpress.com going on postcards and T-Shirts. So I’ve been doing a lot of reading and research and finally today I’ve set things up so that I have two sites mapped to their own domains. My facepainting site is now located at sarahkreece.com.au, and I’ve created a hub for all my online activities at sarahkreece.com, which is small and tidy to fit onto a business card. Eventually, that hub site will also link to an online portfolio of my art work, and a separate website for my mental health consultant work. Well, that’s the plan anyway!

Today I’ve just ordered a new set of business cards, a new set of People Painting postcards, 2 T-Shirts (one for me and one for Rose), and a magnet for the door of my car. Here’s some pretty pictures of the final designs I’m hoping to have here in a fortnight. 🙂 (the watermarks are only on the photos, not the actual designs)

The biggest call I had to make was about putting a business number on things – I’m phone phobic when stressed at the best of times, and also worried about dealing with stressful calls through my mental health work or this blog. I find it much easier to manage emails than calls in that respect. However, I’m aware that a business number is a basic requirement so I’m going to test it out and see how it works. Hopefully I find it all manageable.

Beach Trips

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The one night a week down the beach plan has been working well, not just for Zoe but for myself also. The other night, Zoe, Rose and I met down by a beach by Roses’ home and went for a long walk in the evening, talking about our lives. We checked the beach carefully for dead fish (there’s been some dead fish washing up on beaches here lately, which in the case of the puffer fish can be very dangerous) then let Zoe run. At one point we found a nice flat rock to sit on and had hot chai latte from my new thermos.

We also trialed something very exciting – taking Zoe to visit at Rose’s home. Zoe has been too wild to try this with until now, but she was great! She sniffed around a bit:
(Pictured here wearing her swanky new red and black front-leading harness that we love) …and then settled down to sleep on a blanket in one corner of the room. Wow.

I think we are ready to get into crate training! In fact, I think she’s taken to having her own bed within sight of wherever I’m sleeping so well that we don’t really need a crate, more just a visual barrier… I’m looking into dog pens on eBay rather than the crates as you can still pat the dog, easily place in treats and toys etc… on the other hand she may just decide to leap out if the temptation – like a cat in the room – is just too great for her. Don’t know, still thinking. I do love the idea of having her with me on cold mornings at markets, sitting on her bed in her pen where kids can pat her if they want to, instead of crated away…

She is doing incredibly well, walking her is becoming a joy that I look forward to. 🙂 She is walking with a loose lead for almost the entire length of 20 – 30 minute walks! I took her out after the Microbusiness Operations class finished (last class, hurrah!!) and before running off to a delicious dinner with Rose, my friend, and goddaughter Sophie. I realised then that she is actually quite unsocialised around strangers as she shied anxiously away from people getting too close. I’ve walked her mainly after dark in the evenings and she’s clearly lacking some exposure to normal daytime activities on the street. So we’re going to rectify that over the next few weeks. I’m really looking forward to dog school again on Saturday. 🙂

Little Cat Tales

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You could be forgiven lately for thinking that little Sarsaparilla no longer lived with me, but he does! He has been rather eclipsed by the more urgent needs of a growing puppy, but he’s still around. He’s an indoor/outdoor cat who comes and goes as he pleases, but lately I’ve been seeing less and less of him. He used to sleep on my bed every night but stopped once I changed from the single to queen sized bed. That’s been sad. He’s been in a lot less at evenings too, practicing acupuncture on my thighs while I watch tv or work on the computer.

My longer term goal for him is to build a cat run around my big peppercorn tree out the back, and confine him to the run and house. I’m unhappy about him killing birds (even though it is almost exclusively pigeons as far as I’m aware), eating them means he picks up a lot of parasites, and I’ve been told by a neighbour that he is eating her cat’s food on occasion, which has been dosed with thyroid meds. That can’t be good for him!

Tonight he came inside and came looking for me, snuggled onto my lap, buried his face in the crook of my arm and snoozed. I’m thrilled and a little worried about the behaviour change. I’ve decided to trial confining him to the house for now and have closed the window he uses to get in and out of the house and found his old litter tray out in the shed. So far so good, he’s snuggled up on my bed asleep.
He really is the sweetest, most adorable cat. I hope I can set things up for him a lot better very soon and that he’ll be happy and safer.

My little family is starting to work out! 🙂

Last of the autumn roses

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My beautiful roses have burst into a stunning autumn bloom for me. 🙂 I’m working on digging out my lawn bit by bit and planting my herbs and other plants out instead. The final goal is to have the whole front as a mulched herb and citrus fruit garden. The digging is hard on my joints, but with the massive anxiety lately it’s been very useful to go and dig holes instead of pacing around the house having panic attacks. Intense physical activity has always worked far more effectively for me than attempts to calm using breathing exercises and so on. Plus, the garden looks great afterwards 🙂

Plenty of good news today

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Sooooo

  • I got a distinction for Project One in Digital Media (the gifs I was creating a month ago)!
  • I’ve FINISHED and handed in all the assignments for my Microbusiness Cert 3!
  • The Facepainting business is going really well and growing all the time!
  • I saw the dentist today and he said I only need 2 fillings this time! (my worst checkup resulted in 11)
  • Zoe is still walking really well like a normal dog and I actually look forward to coming home and walking her!
  • I bought a flannel sheet set for the colder weather today Eee!
  • …and a thermos for taking hot chocolate out on trips to the beach or cold market mornings 🙂

So, things are good. Tiring and busy and my to do list is fairly horrific as usual, but progress is being made, I’m getting a bit of sleep here and there, remembering to eat things, and getting some nights down at the local beaches to unwind. There’s so much work to do on the business but I am really excited about it and on top of my current assignments. Feeling good about it all. 🙂

A big update

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Monday’s have been extremely nasty lately, today I started with a shrink appointment at 8.30am, ran off to the Microbusiness course which went from 9.30am to 4pm, then off to Digital Media at 5 – 8.30pm. I hung in there pretty well but right now I feel pretty horrific. This is not being improved by my 9.30am microbusiness class on tomorrow and wed, or the dentist appointment looming tomorrow afternoon.

On the upside, the microbusiness cert is almost at end, so this is the last of these horrific Mondays!

I had a busy weekend with 2 face painting gigs that went really well – I’m having to mix around my weeks and make sure I take some off in the middle of the week as my weekends are becoming work time instead of rest. Last week I took a couple of days off as I’ve had homebody parts out a lot more lately and they had a good time doing gardening and cleaning the house and whatnot. The sparky distressed space we’ve been struggling with where the house feels like a trap rather than a home has settled down as a result which is lovely. There’s been baking and cleaning and the front and back lawns are mowed and the dining table and kitchen are clear, clothes washed and put away, the studio tidied and cleaned out…

There’s even been some art happening lately. That’s just awesome.

And I bought a car! It’s been on my to do list for a couple of months and finally, with prompting and hand holding from Rose, pulled it off. It’s a gorgeous red Suzuki Vitara and I love it. It needs some attention from a mechanic so I’m currently saving for that – nothing serious, just new tires and whatnot. But finally, a lovely reliable vehicle to go camping in and take me around to face painting gigs… It was unbelievably stressful to do and handling the amount of money in cash amped my dissociation and panic levels to pretty spectacular for about a week… But it’s settled now and I’m really happy with my decision.

So much happening lately… doing some very serious, rather fun, and definitely anxiety provoking thinking about my life and what I want to happen over the next few years… Trying to keep a lot of balls in the air at the moment and with the business taking off it’s getting harder… I’m having to make some tough calls about what I want most and what I’m willing to let go of or cut back on… The dreaming is exciting, there’s a sense of vigor and hope and thrill. Rose and I have been together for almost 7 months now… we’ve weathered some big stresses together and although we have a lot against us, we also have so much going for us. She’s beautiful and I love her. Suddenly doors are opening that I thought were closed, like living with another person again or having a child. Then there’s the other side of dreams, the grinding reality of poverty and mental illness and inadequacy, the bone deep awareness of how the world can catch on fire so easily and all the hopes become ash and the dreams twist into nightmares. The sense of pressure of what I’d need to have ready to be able to believe in those dreams, for emotional stability, financial security of some kind, excellent social connections to support us.

Dreaming big dreams that leave me drained… can’t live too much in the future and leave no time for art or poetry or the night here and now either. (and I want it, and I want it all)

For now, I’m off to bed to sleep or pass out… there’s steel in my heart as I think of a future I’ve worked so hard for, of home and love and friends and days that sing and nights that wash me clean and work I’m proud of, dirt on my knees and laughter on my lips. 

Zoe Turns One!

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
I’m so excited! Rose and I took her to her first day of training and she did great! She loved playing with all the other dogs there. We’ve borrowed a longer lead and a front leading harness for her and she’s taken to them really well! I tried a face harness (the ‘gentle leader’ type) for her a while ago but she hated it and used to throw herself into a frantic frenzy trying to get it off her face. With the body harness, she’s been absolutely fine! I get her to sit, give her a treat, clip it on, and off she goes. Wow. This morning we did an entire walk around the block and park with NO PULLING on the lead!! Between weeks of training and the new harness, it’s like she’s a new dog. I am so thrilled. 🙂 She’s going so well.

Here she is in her bedroom, where she now sleep every night, with her favourite red toy and a kong:

I have also finally sorted out the kong! Instead of needing to find it every morning to stuff and freeze for that night, I have a variety of dog treats that I’ve frozen in spare ice cube trays and boxed in the freezer. These ice cubes are the perfect size to wedge into a standard kong! So I can slip a little meat or sausage into the base, and then wedge say a cube of yogurt, or tuna, or baked beans on top of it for her to lick. They are quick and easy and she loves them. 🙂
She has not destroyed anything in the house for a month, I can leave shoes on the floor now comfortably. She’s so much happier and more settled. With the exception of the occasional day where it all feels overwhelming, so am I.

Happy birthday Zoe 🙂

Zoe Settles

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Well, it’s been a few weeks since the dog trainer visited and things are progressing stunningly well. There’s been some hiccoughs and the odd sleepless night but the overall situation is vastly improved. Zoe is a different dog now! Happier and more settled. She sleeps indoors every night, in the tiny hall space outside my bedroom door. She’s blocked from coming in my room by my indoor washing line which is collapsed down and wedged into the door way. On the other side, she can’t get into the lounge because of a wooden child fence. As long as the bathroom, toilet, and studio doors are shut, she’s penned into a little bed space where she can’t get into mischief but can see me. It’s working a treat, and the extra company through the night is calming her down amazingly.

I’m staying on top of the more interesting dog food too, i did another shop at my favorite local butcher today and came home with a box of food and treats. Here’s her collection of ‘raw soups’ being made up today to be frozen: These are a toy to be given outside when I’m going away for awhile such as to college classes. They give her something to chew and keep her entertained. Today’s are beef broth, with chicken necks, kibble, and corn kernels. She has to chew through the plastic and then lick away the ice to get to the yummy bits. She absolutely adores them.

She also gets quartered marrow bones to gnaw, and the Kong toy is regularly stuffed with treats. I’m getting the hang of that too, my freezer now always has a basin of Kong size treats such as tuna or baked beans frozen in ice cube trays, or little bite size bits of meat or banana. Her treat bag for clicker training is filled fresh every night from a container of finely chopped nibbles kept in the freezer. I currently alternate the type of treat to keep her interested. She has had tiny bits of fritz, and tiny bits of cheese. Today I fried some pork sausage on special and chopped that up super small for the treat bag too. I feel like a good pet owner finally. 🙂

I bought her another extra tough chew toy recently and she’s bonded with it and won’t sleep at night unless it’s in her bed with her…cute! Walking on the lead is progressing slowly but surely, as is the sit and watch, and she gets tucked into bed with a treat when guests visit until they’ve settled and that is hugely helping curb the manic jumping. She is coming to training this Saturday with Rose and I for the first time, I’m nervous and excited for her! We’ll also be gently introducing her to crate training soon, which opens the door to sleepovers and camping trips!… fingers crossed. The progress so far had been great, I wish I’d done this sooner! 🙂

Last night we went to the beach and practiced coming when called (not bad, unless there’s another dog around) and sit and watch in public. She ran herself silly while Rose and I walked to the jetty and then came home and slept for hours… how that warms my heart!

Christening Cake

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

This Sunday morning the adorable Sophie is going to be Christened… and I am going to be a godparent! I am SO excited, I’ve waited my whole life to be godmum to someone… so there is celebratory cake. 🙂

Yesterday I made a very indulgent chocolate mudcake, which turned out to take about 3 1/2 hours to cook in the oven! I was also thrown by my total un-preparedness for the Easter long weekend and all the shops being closed. The store I found open didn’t stock the fondant I wanted to ice the cake with. I thought about buttercream (too messy to do in advance), ganash (ditto), and the marzipan there (nasty colour and sticky), and decided to ice the cake today instead when the shops opened again and I could buy fondant. The cake rose more than I expected and overflowed my tin, so this morning I decided to cut it into a rounded shape and allow the little dip in the middle to be a nest for my rose buds.

This is where things started this morning:

Then purple fondant icing:

Next, I decided to make marzipan roses but both shops I visited today stocked fondant but were out of marzipan… go figure! So I found a recipe for modelling chocolate and decided on white chocolate roses with red glitter instead… It was a real pain to work with and crippled the hands to knead soft enough to use. Fortunately Rose chipped in and helped out with the rose buds:

Lastly, royal icing swirls…

And we have a lovely colourful Christening cake 🙂

So I’m considering that a day well spent, and now Rose and I are off to have a picnic dinner somewhere we can see the city lights in the car. 🙂

Thinking about my future

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I stepped in for a sick fellow face painter on Sunday, and rushed off to a 4 hour market on very little notice. It was fantastic, I felt so proud of myself for pulling it off, and the extra money will make a huge difference to my week considering the bills due such as RAA cover. It’s also been a big boost to my confidence. I was very happy with my work, no one walked away from my table with a dodgy design, and I’m getting more confident about interacting with groups of kids while keeping on painting.

I’m stressed and bored at the moment so I’ve played about with the colours of this blog. It’s considerably easier than moving the furniture around in my flat, although I’m contemplating that too. You’re welcome. Edit: this refers to my original blog hosted on blogger.

I have to make a number of tough calls about where I spend my time and energy shortly. I’ve been working on a number of major projects:

  1. Becoming a Professional Artist – I’m studying the bachelor degree, I work on my own art when I have time, and I have a small studio set up at home. I’d like to be creating more work and I have plans for small publications of art books and poems. I’d also like to write a fiction novel.
  2. Mental Health Consultant – I’ve been working as a peer worker for a couple of years, building my skills and resume in this field. I’d like to be talking at the major mental health conferences, to create a website specifically dedicated to this area of my life, and to be gaining more employment. I’ve done a peer work cert 4 last year. Sometimes my work is paid, most often it is voluntary.
  3. The Dissociative Initiative Inc. – I’m chair of the inaugural board and the primary person driving the DI. I’d like to get to conferences to raise awareness about dissociation and multiplicity, to create resources across Australia, to raise funds to support a volunteer network, and to create access to quality and informed supports for people in need. I’ve been working on this for a couple of years, creating the website, supporting groups, one to one work and many talks. I’d like to write a book about managing dissociation. Almost none of my DI work is paid.
  4. People Painting – I’ve been building a small home business painting people at parties and markets. I’m currently studying a microbusiness cert 3, and I’ve been increasing my skills and knowledge of face painting and of running a small business. Some of my work has been voluntary for fundraisers or friends, but increasingly the gigs are paid.

I’ve reached the point where all of these areas are making progress and I cannot keep them all going any more. There’s too many plates in the air! I’m having to chose between face painting gigs and mental health conferences, between study that will open further doors – such as the TAA course currently – but only briefly – available almost free under the skills for all program, and the time to do more markets. The DI has been a huge labour of love but it not only does not bring in an income, I fund many of the resources from my pocket, which sometimes is a huge strain. I decided earlier this year to try and limit my volunteer work with the DI to 10 hours a week to give me more time to put into my studies and other projects.

To my delight, the People Painting business appears to actually be viable. I am trying to buy a second hand car to replace my totally run down ford laser, which will make sure I can keep appointments and get to gigs. I’ve been lugging about my gazebo to check it fits in the back of all prospective vehicles. It’s quite stressful as I have a very small budget to work with and run the risk of buying a car that has something important break down unexpectedly and strand me without a vehicle or access to my only form of income.

I cannot continue to be living on the edge of poverty long term. I need to buy new socks, to resole my boots and replace other shoes, I need a hose for my garden, a crate for my dog, pegs for my clothesline, food on the table, money to pay the doctor, the psychiatrist, the dermatologist, money for meds. My psychologist and I have been considering the possibility that the depressive periods I’ve been struggling with this year may be the result of struggling so much financially while also being too busy to ease the strain through things like cooking meals from scratch. I’m tired of living on toast and tinned soup and wearing socks with holes in them, and I need winter sheets for my bed.

So I’ve been trying to think about my future, my ideal life, my 5 year plan. What to aim for, what’s most important to me, what I can let go of. I want a child. I want not to raise a child in this kind of financial stress. I need to stay within the limits of my health. I’m not up for full time work. I’m not up for heavy lifting. I’m not up for working within a mental health system where keeping my job means being silent in the face of abuse or neglect of vulnerable people. There also needs to be poetry and stars in my life or I get sick.

I need more time. I need more time to cook and clean and walk Zoe and have dinner with friends. I also need more income, not just to be building something that one day, far off, will possibly pull together into a viable and wonderful career, but here and now, to pay this bill, to buy milk, to pay for Zoe’s training.

Yesterday I was looking at what it would mean to me to stop driving the DI, and to step back from my plans for work in mental health. To stop going to conferences, giving talks, maintaining resources, investing time. Can I do it? What would I lose? What would it mean to other people? I want to change the world. But I also want my own life. Then I went to Tafe and gave a talk about mental health and what it means to have a trauma origin mental illness, and what I’ve found helpful and what’s made it harder for me, what recovery means to me, what it’s like to live as someone with DID. And they listened patiently and thanked me, and I saw that small movement towards understanding mental health and human suffering differently, that shift towards understanding multiples are just human, a bit odd perhaps, but not freaks. I want this, I want to be part of this.

But I can’t do it all. I can’t write a blog and a book. I can’t do the TAA course and publish my poems. I can’t go to a conference on mental health and one on body painting. I don’t know how I’m going to work this out yet. I know that mental health work ignites a passion in me, that I find it deeply meaningful and significant work, but also exhausting and stressful. I love being able to connect my work as an artist with my aims and efforts in mental health through the artworks in my talks and poems on my blog. I know that the face painting is paying now as I’m building it, that it’s a business I control and manage and that it’s wonderful work. Watching kids light up and bounce about because I’ve added a bit of magic to their day is truly rewarding. It does tend to shatter my back and drastically increases my levels of physical pain. It’s also scary because I’m in it by myself and there’s no back up if I’m too sick to work a gig. I’ve always had in my mind that working as an artist and being a Mum were incompatible life choices. I might, if I’m lucky, get one, but never both. Maybe I’m wrong. My psychologist warns me that if I don’t make time for the things that nurture me spiritually and emotionally, for poems and expressive art and time under the stars, I will work very hard and long to build a life and then crash. There’s little of those things in my life lately, small pockets of them but not enough. All the grand plans mean little if I fall apart.

Hard choices! How wonderful it is to have options. I wish there was a clear path. I think I have to prioritize the People Painting at least to some extent. I hope I can work this out and pull it off.

Basic training has started

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
That’s right! Despite feeling desperately fragile following gastro, Rose and I tore ourselves from bed early on Saturday morning and made it down to our first training class. It was enlightening and hopeful, paced very simply when it comes to homework- our first 2 weeks assignment is to get our dogs to sit and watch us. I think I would have found it all an information overload if I hasn’t been watching clips about clicker training and positive reinforcement over the past few weeks, but everytime I’m allowed to stop doing something I don’t like- like being told to ignore her when I first come home because it over excites her, and get to hug her instead, it’s heart warming. It’s not just about rote training an animal to sit or stay, it’s a completely different way of living and communicating with one… I wish I had started earlier. Thankfully Zoe has been resilient despite my bungling and is taking to the training extremely quickly.

It’s awesome that Rose is on board too, both of us using the same commands and approach will help Zoe a lot too. Today we took home a very exciting new piece of equipment:
This is Zoe’s new treat bag and clicker! Gave it a try tonight and I’m getting great results. The clicker really does help to make clear what behavior you’re rewarding. The treat bag is by far easier than carrying a snap lock or Tupperware container around. The difference in Zoe just in the past couple of weeks since the trainer is pretty amazing. She’s so much quieter around the house, less agitated, hasn’t chewed anything she’s not allowed to- I can leave shoes on the floor and hang washing outside! It’s an astonishing turn around.

There a lot yet to do, she’s madly over excited about visitors and cats, pulling on the lead is still a problem, and she’s mouthy when she’s playing which isn’t fun, but the change we’ve seen in such a short time is frankly remarkable. She’s getting more walks, I’ve found a local butcher who sells great dog meat and bones, and I’m running an extra freezer full of dog treats and raw frozen soups for her. She’s never left alone without a toy and a treat, and I’ve bought a new toy so I can rotate her three favorite ones. Fritz is working great as a high value treat, dry crackers working well for a low value treat. We’ve taking the pressure off the lead training and walks because I need some guidance to adjust the technique, it’s clear to me she doesn’t understand what I’m trying to teach her, and stopping all the time is simply reducing her opportunities for exercise. Next class we take her in with us and introduce her to the class, grounds, and trainers. In the meantime, she’s learning sit and watch, up, down, and drop, and doing very with them.

Painting People at Markets

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
I’ve just got home and packed up from painting at a local market this morning. It was a bit of a landmark event for me – the first market where I directly charged the public per face, instead of being paid by the market organizers and painting anyone who attended. I was nervous about this! I’ve never done it before and I was worried about keeping track of money as well as painting people.

Enter my trusty new leather belt, purchased at the Garden of Unearthly Delights recently!
It worked a treat! It was all a lot easier than I thought it would be. My blackboard advertised my prices so everyone knew what they were getting in to up front. I was busy all morning and I’m very happy with the set up. Now I can investigate some local markets and maybe find myself some regular spots to work. Hurrah!

I also think this is the first market where I have been happy with everything I painted 🙂 Lots of compliments about my work! One little lad asked for his whole leg up to the knee to be wreathed in flames, he was over the moon at the result. I love the kids imagination!

My gorgeous girlfriend Rose has been invaluable, coming along early on a Saturday morning to help me set up, pack up, spruking me to passersby who didn’t see my postcard or realise I can paint at birthdays, and making sure I stop for a drink or a nibble occasionally. She’s napping on my couch at the moment. ❤ We celebrated with chocolate on the way home. 🙂