General News

Zoe lives it up :)

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I’ve been putting a lot of work into improving things for my puppy Zoe. The other day I visited a butcher and now my freezer is full of split marrow bones, chicken frames, meaty lamb bones, and little cubes of fritz for treats. She’s getting a 15 minute walk every day, and we’ve started serious ‘not pulling on the lead’ training, which is painfully slow but not stressful. It currently takes about 15 minutes to get to the end of the drive way and back as I have to stop and wait every time she pulls on the lead. We’re using a system of positive reinforcement, which I’m really happy with.

I’ve discovered that Zoe is not actually eating roughly a whole giant bag of food a fortnight – it turns out that by leaving food out for her I’ve actually been feeling a lot of the pigeon population locally! So the money I’m saving by feeding her indoors only twice a day I’m spending on treats and toys to keep her occupied when I’m not home. She has a new tough toy she loves to play fetch with, and I’ve been freezing beef broth in containers, with dog treats in it, for her to lick and chew through when I’m out during the day. I’m also giving her some calming mineral drops, and she has a half clam shell ‘pool’ to cool off in on hot days, and an extra lovely dog house to lie in.

She’s certainly improving with this set up. She’s quite happy to sleep on the lounge while I work when I’m home, and she’s not as manic when I get home if I’ve been out. I think we’re going in the right direction. Basic training starts in a week and I’m looking forward to it.

Fundraising for good causes

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I’ll be painting for good causes out North this weekend. Saturday morning I’ll be painting at the Davoren Market Place, helping to raise funds to rebuild a local child care centre that was destroyed by arson. Sunday morning I’ll be painting at the Bikini Car and Bike Wash to raise funds for the Leukaemia Foundation. (I won’t be one of the ones in a bikini!) All the details are at my People Painting website:

It’s a big weekend! A friend of mine is going to shave for the Leukaemia Foundation’s World’s Greatest Shave on Sunday, her name is Riki and she’s awesome. She’s been growing her hair since 2011 and it’s very long and thick. She’s taking it all off on Sunday and would love any support. You can donate here. 

Celebrating 6 Months

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The camp was a brilliant success. A friend looked after Zoe, so Rose and I could head off in the van for a night by the sea. I woke up that morning, sandy, a bit short of sleep, but with one word in my mind – happy. This is such a change from the morning misery that has become normal for me this year. It was bliss. We swam, cooked, read Sabriel (by Garth Nix) to each other, talked about our relationship and future, swam some more, and snorkeled. I spent about 20 minutes following a tiny little cuttlefish as he explored the shore, waving his limbs about and changing colors.

Rose and I celebrated 6 months together this weekend. It’s gone amazingly fast. We’ve had some wonderful times together, and some tough times too. I’m proud of us. We’ve both come from painful backgrounds, and building a safe, loving relationship that works around our limitations and struggles has taken care and courage for both of us. Considering that I’m a whole system of parts, each of whom have their own relationship of some kind with Rose, this takes time and patience. We’ve done well. I hope we keep creating something this beautiful and tender. She’s beautiful, and we love her.

Back to Adelaide, and I’m ill that night, I have a condition called endometriosis that causes miserably painful periods, among other things. The current hot weather only makes things more difficult as other illnesses make it difficult for me to regulate my own body temperature so I become heat stressed quickly. So I’m home, I’ve had to cancel some classes and tonight I’m sleeping in my lounge on my futon in front of the air con there. Friends have been very kind to me, helping out with Zoe, being a listening ear, or with caring gifts. I feel very blessed. I also feel anxious and undeserving but I’m working hard to keep my head together. Hopefully I’ll be back on my feet shortly. In the meantime, there’s plenty of homework to catch up on.

Plans with Zoe

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My head hurts, the weather doesn’t agree with me. My lips have ulcerated, I’m chronically tired and prone to crying. Yesterday was really tough, I had an assignment due today, a really good but very overwhelming appointment with a dog trainer about Zoe, and I was pretty sick. Naps, cold showers, and crying on the floor were the order of the day. Zoe was quite lovely except for chewing through my garden hose so I now I can’t water my garden. Today I’m setting her up with a half clam shell ‘pool’ in the back yard to help her keep cool while I’m out. Fortunately there’s a bit of hose left just long enough for me to be able to put the pool in shade under a tree and fill it up. I’ve been unsuccessful in my attempts to rehome her, and the stress here has been steadily increasing so last week I decided to bite the bullet and put some serious effort into improving things. I hired a wonderful trainer Kellie from Holdfast Dog Centre to come to the house and help me get back into actual dog training (as opposed to ignoring, yelling, crying, and feeling really guilty, which is where I was at) and environment enrichment for Zoe.

I’ve also booked into basic training classes there at the end of this month, and Rose is on board to help even though she’s more of a cat person. I’ve been starting to think I’m more of a cat person myself, but I’ve got myself into this situation and now I need to make the best of it. I’ve been told to expect about another 6 months of difficult puppy/adolescent behaviour, and then she will settle and become a lot easier to handle. The training techniques are all positive reinforcement based which is a relief and Zoe is smart as a whip and taking to them really quickly. She’s been a world more settled in the past few days just because I’m not as stressed about her. I on the other hand, clearly need some more positive reinforcement myself…

I got stuck having to make a dash to the vet with her the other day when she tore open a wound on her face that had been healing well. It obviously reached that itchy stage and despite all my efforts to keep her distracted she clawed off the scab leaving a gaping sore on her cheek. It turned out that it was a deep abrasion rather than a cut, probably caused by poking her nose under the gate and getting excited about a cat walking past. So it didn’t need a stitch and I’ve been applying a local anaesthetic cream to it to try and stop her clawing it, which is somewhat successful. It’s healing quickly and only looks like a tiny scrape today. Unfortunately, the vet fee and medicine ate my grocery money for the fortnight, so things are tight again.

Rose and I were planning to go camping again this weekend but the really hot weather means we’ll probably have to postpone that. I’m tired and depressed and miserable and so deathly sick of waking up feeling this way. Everything exhausts me and it’s all an effort – eating, caring for Zoe, keeping up with housework, keeping the garden alive, classes, homework, staying in touch with people, the eternal list of essential admin like paying bills… I’m simmering in a stew of self loathing and frustration. There’s no work on the horizon, various promising ventures have fallen through, which is pretty common and I’m getting better at being friendly when people suggest work is coming my way that I know has about a 90% likelihood of never eventuating. I need to feel like less of a failure. Less guilty about being overwhelmed, less overwhelmed by my day to day life, less scared. I need things that make me feel competent and safe and hopeful. (I need people to stop talking to me about putting my dog down as if I haven’t thought of it, or as if it’s going to help with my depression) I need to feel less trapped, less judged and found wanting, less alone. I have such big dreams. Some days they make my fly. Some days, they drag me into the pit and break my heart. Some days life just hurts.

The latest exciting stuff

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So, here’s the news in brief:

  • The camping trip was awesome! So awesome in fact, that we’re off again this weekend, for two nights this time. Very excited about that 🙂
  • The new psychiatrist handled herself well in the first appointment the other day, so that is cause for optimism also. It’s always encouraging (and sadly rare) to meet a psychiatrist who has some rapport building skills – friendly, making eye contact, using a strengths-based approach, and so on. I’ve more appointments and I’m hoping they will go well.
  • This blog has reached 600 posts and 98,000 page views today. Hurrah!
  • I am swamped in homework and admin. Stay out of the heat and I’ll catch you again later 🙂 x

Off to camp

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I’m off for an overnight camp. It’s been almost a year since I last went camping, I’m very excited about this. It was a little spur of the moment, suggested by my lovely girlfriend – who for the purposes of this blog we’ve decided to call Rose – when I was having a teary day. It turns out we don’t have a lot of the supplies with us, the camping bed, gas bottle and cooker are all probably stashed in the shed of family members. We’re not letting that deter us. I’ve just bought a second hand fold down futon couch, so we’ve put that in the back of the van I’ve borrowed, and brought cereal and sandwiches. We’re heading off to the beach for a night to swim and get away from it all. Here’s a pic from the beach we’re heading for from one of my previous trips there – those are my feet, I’m lying on a mattress in the back of the van. 🙂

Quietness

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This morning I remember things I had forgotten. I remember that when we are hurting, and try to be strong, everything becomes brittle, frantic, and broken. I remember that fears we are too afraid to voice, those that stick in the throat like fishbones, they tears holes in us, through which strength bleeds. I remember that if I do not try to hold off the storm, but bow before it, speaking truths that burn my throat and blister my tongue, then it passes. It passes and I find mornings like this. Waking late, to a white sky and the wind gentle plaiting and unplaiting the slender branches of the tree outside my window. My hands feel like doves, laid gently by my face in rest, in my lap in wakefulness. There’s silence and thoughtfulness, my mind moves gently like a woman combing the beach after a storm, lifting a shell here, a branch of wood for the fire. I drink tea and eat porridge, and in their simpleness there is a peace. No more the screaming excesses. The burden has passed, the pain has eased.

Today I shall do what I can and no more. I shall work with my hands to make my world whole, to sew up the tears and sweep out the shadows that cloy at the mind. I had a nightmare, and it came over my face and my eyes, it screamed and would not stop screaming. I screamed within it and my world went dark, full of fire and fear. It bound me a future I could not bear, to a fate that twisted me, a destiny that compelled me to become a twisted thing. Such is the burden of those who have been wounded as I have, such are the shadows that follow at our heels. When we name them truly, they run from us, for a time. Today I can see clearly. There’s a wind in my soul, a peace in my heart. All is as it should be. I rest my heart in the hollow of the hill.

I can’t come to the blog right now

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Because I’m a switchy, achy, semi hysterical mess, except for the random moments when I’m fine. Like say, when I’m at a counselors. My universe is gently reversing over my head like a garbage truck and an unfortunately placed letter box. Today, I had an argument about gay rights, called my vet in tears because I don’t know what to do about Zoe, and washed all the bank up of dishes from being sick. My base line stress levels are too high, I’m too phobic of the Arts library to do my homework, I’ve hated and been miserable in my house all week until I moved a lamp tonight and it suddenly seems like quite a nice place to live, (Wtf?) self loathing is through the roof, and I bought a second hand couch at the salvos. I’m confused and pissed off and my to do list seems to grow by the hour. Be back here later. x

Prayers for peace

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I’m showered and tired and tucked up in bed, wondering how my first appt with a new psychiatrist will go this morning. It was a difficult weekend as I’ve been pretty sick. I’m behind in my homework and my house also some time spent on it. But my front garden looks good; lawn mowed and edges trimmed, pots nearly arranged in groups and roses pruned lightly. I bought a small lawn mower, an outdoor broom, and a set of grass sheers this week. It’s been very hard on me, gardening in this heat. For my troubles I got in today to find most of my potted roses kicked over in the yard. It’s demoralizing.

Very little else that I need to do have I done, but Zoe had had a run down the beach, I have clean clothes, there is food in my fridge, and I’ve spent some nice time hanging out with my girlfriend. So it’s not all bad, and this week is a quieter one for me, so hopefully I’ll feel better and catch up soon. The beach last night was beautiful, a big halo surrounded the moon, the tide was out with long sand banks reaching into the water. Clouds rolled slowly in, masking the moon and turning the clear water to milk. There were no sea creatures this time, no little lights, no sea weed, just the water and the sky, the far off music of thunder and the taste and smell of salt. Almost I feel alive, nights like this, the sand ringing with our laughter, mango juice running down our arms. The pain recedes, we’re hidden safe in the night, and all the demands of the day are far away. Far above us, tiny bright stars burn white in the sky. If only I could stay here, if only it could stay like this.

I come home, alone, to swap which roses are having their dry roots soaked in a big tub of water to save them from the effects of being un-potted. I curl into to bed with a book and the churning stomach of an appointment early tomorrow that I do and don’t want. May there be sleep. May there be peace.

The Viking Approach to one’s Day

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I’m in another fibro flare up after a physically and emotionally exhausting week. I’m finally starting to sleep which is great, but it’s the really deep sleep where I basically pass out for a lot of hours, and wake in exactly the same pose I fell asleep in. Because I don’t move around, it makes me very achy. It also tends to be full of intense dreams that wear me out too.

This weekend, I have housework banked up and homework that needs doing and a bored and bouncy dog who needs a run. So far I haven’t made it out of bed because my body aches intensely and my headache is lousy. Looking down hurts my head and neck enough to bring tears to my eyes. I was pulling off the week okay until one of my neighbours made a complaint about me to the Housing people, which meant I had to clip and mow my lawns no matter how bad an idea that was for me physically. It pushed things too far and now I’m waiting to get over it all.

I’m pretty trashed emotionally too. I spent a lot of last night in a teary ball on my girlfriend’s couch, feeling overwhelmed by fear, misery, and self loathing. I’ve been having a difficult week with the drive to self harm pretty intense. When it gets bad like this I tend to find somewhere that feels safe, like in front of the TV, in the bath, or in bed with a book, and park myself there for however many hours it takes to ease off. Thursday evening I watched about 6 hours of TV and DVD’s until I felt safe enough to head off to bed.

So, I’m just hunkering down until the storm passes really. Today I’m managing life in very small doses. I get out of bed and raid the kitchen for breakfast, then come back to bed until my pain level subsides. Then I go for a drink, or shower, or to let the dog in, and back to bed again. It’s kind of the Viking raiding party approach to your day…

There is food, there is sleep, there are friends to pat me on the back and tell me they love me, so it will all pass. Later today when my head has stopped feeling like a watermelon full of spikes perched on a glass stem, I will cautiously head off to Bunnings to buy an outdoor broom to sweep all the lawn clippings off the pavement, and a larger indoor clothes hanger. (I can’t hang washing on my outdoor line as Zoe chews it) If I can get a load of the most urgent dishes and laundry washed, my week will be considerably easier. A shower would be nice too.

A Tough Week

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Yesterday was hard. I haven’t had enough sleep all week. Keeping up with a 9.30am class has been challenging when I’m running on six or less hours sleep. There’s been some system stress for me lately with unhappy or scared parts coming out at night to cry. Tuesday we made it to class but we were in a very PTSD space, stressed and prickly. It was a distinct reminder of how few people understand trauma reactions as I clashed immediately with the very people who are supposed to be supporting me in the class. Firstly when they tried to suddenly insist that I was no longer allowed to sit next to my girlfriend (who is also studying this class), and secondly when they kept getting into my personal space and touching me. It’s such a challenge to communicate the needs of a traumatised person when you are in that hyper strung out state. I’d rather give a presentation about it in front of a room full of people when we’re calm any day.

Last night was particularly challenging. I was up in the early hours with a friend in need, and then once I did make it off to the land of nod, was too stirred up by it all to sleep soundly and woke myself screaming from nightmares. Thursday is a day off so my plan is to take some sleep inducing antihistamines and hopefully nap through the morning. There’s a frightening bank up of important tasks needing doing, such as keeping my Housing people happy by finishing mowing my lawns, but I can’t pull off anything until I’ve had some rest.

If I just keep pacing myself, I’ll mostly be able to pull it off. Thankfully the microbusiness course takes a three week break now, so there’s no need for early starts or very busy days for a while. Rest is going to happen, I hope. 🙂

It’s all happening!

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College has started again (my Bachelor degree in Visual Arts and Design), the Cert 3 in Microbusiness Operations has started, and everything is moving fast. I’m a week into being off a med I’ve been on for over ten years and so far my head is still attached which is a good sign.

The People Painting business is coming along in leaps and bounds. I’ve started a blog on that website where I’ll now be posting my pictures and information about upcoming events. Check it out at sarahkreece.wordpress.com. The training on one-stroke techniques was really interesting and I’ll be posting pictures about that soon there too.

The microbusiness cert is interesting and relevant and starts painfully early in the morning which is killing my sleep routines. Nonetheless, very much worth it and thrilling to access it free on the Skills for All scheme.

College is jaw droppingly awesome and my little heart is singing to be back again. I hit major issues with the timetable and wound up shifting a class and dropping one class. I just can’t pull off three classes and the microbusiness at the same time. As it is, tomorrow I will start study at 9:30am with the Microbusiness course, work through to 4:30pm, run off to college to start my Digital Media class at 5pm, and finish up for the day at 8:30pm. So I’m going to be moving very slowly and being very careful with my sleep and energy this week.

The classes I’m taking are Digital Media and Art History. Digital Media is tempting me tremendously as a possible major, the opportunities to play and create are awesome! I’m in love with it all. I also adore handing in a journal that is actually a Tumblr account… go and join me there at sarahsdigimedia if you’re interested.

I’ve also been working hard on new resources for the DI… and the new website is starting to look smart. Have a look at dissociativeinitiative.wordpress.com. This year one of my major goals is turning Bridges into a day/evening group on alternating weeks – we have a number of people keen to participate in the group who have found that working 9-5 excludes them. We are in talks at the moment and things are looking very promising to be able to make this change very soon!

Stay tuned! 🙂

Beautiful new website!

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My brain is firing on all cylinders at the moment and I am overjoyed! I’ve overhauled the website I was using as an online portfolio (shelved as a project for a later date) and dedicated it entirely to my People Painting business! It looks absolutely beautiful, go over there and check it out. 🙂 sarahkreece.wordpress.com.

I am so happy with it! I have learning a lot the past few days about domain names and hosting and how wordpress and blogger work in more depth. I’ve purchased my own domain name sarahkreece.com and will be mapping my online network of sites to it once I’ve decided on the best setup. Now that my adobe suite is installed again I have also begun to explore the software and so far I’m picking it all up really fast and feeling very excited about what I’m going to be able to make with it.

I have had such a bumpy start to this year, sickness and feeling stuck and depressed have really knocked me around. For the moment at least I seem to have become unstuck and the juices are flowing again. I’ve had a fantastic weekend where I’ve felt like I’ve been on holidays and yet somehow I’ve also got the dishes done and mopped the floors and cooked meals and taken Zoe to the beach… A break from the sickness and distress is so damn sweet I am just breathing it all in, deep breaths, deep breaths.

Today college starts up again and I cannot wait! Digital media class, here I come. 🙂

Progress!

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I had a productive day yeseterday fussing about over my computer. I was kindly given some new and exiting components for my machine for Christmas, which came with a a fancy tower and other upgrades. The downside has been being forced to upgrade to Windows 8, which is frankly baffling, and re-install all the rest of my software, which has taken forever. I’ve now got two hard drives, and have to remember not to clog my lovely new solid state drive, which boots up my computer very fast, with all kinds of rubbish like my massive folder of photos.

Yesterday I decided to work on the printer, which hasn’t been operational since about July last year when I ran out of both ink and the money to buy more ink. After fussing about getting it plugged in (which turned out to be the initial reason it wouldn’t turn on – in this monster desk with the little holes for cords at the back, that is no simple feat might I add) and then updating the drivers for Windows 8, it refuses to do anything apart from giving an error message. So I think its done its day, which is a bit sad. And inconvenient as heck considering that college starts this week. On the other hand I got it about 4 years ago for $20 second hand from cashies so that’s a pretty good run.

My adobe suite has been re-downloaded and installed, which is incredibly exciting as I can now start to work on learning to use the software and make progress on another goal for this year – my first publication! Hurrah!

My primary monitor has a dead port, and the new machine doesn’t recognise the VGA cable so off I went to buy a HDMI cable and I now have both screens operational! It’s like having the right side of my body working again. Phew!

Unfortunately Win 8 doesn’t recognise my USB Bluetooth dongle, Officeworks don’t sell them, and I’ve been told it’s unlikely I’ll be able to get a win 8 compatible one for awhile. Bah! So I can’t use my fancy Bluetooth keyboard which is annoying. Gawd I hate upgrading!

I’ve dusted and cleaned the whole desk space in readiness for new study and work to be done and it’s looking magic. Shame about the dining table which took the worst of the collateral damage:

Ah well, I’m still calling that progress. 

Taking on the World

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Yesterday was awesome. I’ve been doing a lot of research into websites, domain names, blog themes, and suchlike lately, since my Microbusiness cert has me thinking about my whole online world… there has been planning! On large sheets of paper! With coloured textas! A big big shakeup to my website is coming, that much I can say…

My group Bridges went well today. You really have got to love any job where you can wear docs, a spiked dog collar, and blue lipstick to work. Hell yeah! I had some fantastic conversations and I’m planning to shake up some of the resources I’ve been supporting this year. We’re looking into restructuring how Bridges runs to make it more accessible to working people, and to give me some more hours in my week to work on other voluntary projects like a new series of mental health workshops. There’s been the suggestion of a short group workshop series on Trauma Recovery that has my brain firing… Changes! Love it.

Apart from that, I got a free manicure by a friend, my girlfriend cooked me an awesome dinner, and I spent most of the evening watching episodes of Skins and Veronica Mars. Life is sweet 🙂

Business growth and other news :)

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I have started a new facebook page for my People Painting business! Come and look and like it here. I’ve been posting pictures of my work, especially those of my own designs such as this lovely glove:

Things are moving on the business front! I am currently studying a Cert 3 in Microbusiness Operations through Learning Potential International as part of the Skills for All program. This course has been designed to help people with some kind of disability to turn a hobby into a home business. I’m learning a lot, making some new friends, and spending a lot of hours thinking and planning my business. There are some areas (paperwork, record keeping, and suchlike) that I’m really struggling with, and others (marketing, social media, customer relations) that I feel a lot more comfortable with and inspired about! We’ve just finished three full days with early mornings and a bit of warm weather and today I am a bit trashed. The next block of  classes isn’t for a fortnight but it will be interesting as I’ll also be starting my college classes for the B. Visual Arts and Design by then too, and this term I’m trialing doing three classes at once which is the most I have ever tried to do since I first became really sick back in 2003. I’m nervous and excited and spending my days off mostly in bed feeling like my skull is shrinking and crushing my brain, and watching episodes of Would I lie to you? on Youtube.

I have two People Painting events booked, I’ve made some great contacts in the local face painting industry, have found an inexpensive class to upskill my one-stroke techniques (I’m not expecting you all to follow that, it’s a body painting thingamy), and I’m also booked in to deliver a (voluntary) presentation about Dissociation and DID to a local group of mental health staff. This all makes me very happy.

On the scary front, I’m just starting a trial of not taking one of the meds I’ve been on for the past ten years, so that my doctor and I can assess how it’s been affecting me and how my illness has progressed in that time. This is rather nerve wracking and may turn out to be wonderful and clear up frustrating side effects, or may leave me curled up in bed crippled with pain. Only one way to find out!

I am hoping to find a Cert IV Training and Assessing course through the Skills for All program later this year to add to my skills base/resume as a Mental Health Peer Worker and Consultant. I’m also keeping my ear to the ground about a proposal by Shine SA to develop a new course about healthy sex/uality specifically for people with a mental illness that sounds very exciting.

The rest of the time, sleep and study are high on the agenda. Looking forward to autumn and cooler weather,  and hoping to find a new and better home for my lovely dog Zoe very soon. 

Coming home

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Back from the holiday and trying to find some equilibrium  The last day was lovely, wandering about Sydney, a ferry ride under the harbor bridge, chocolates to take home. The flight back was beautiful, we skirted the storm. Clouds lay out beneath the plane like a fresh, wrinkled fleece. Out in the north, massive thunderhead clouds rose like huge anvils into the sky. I spent the entire flight watching them burst with lightning, and writing down ideas for paintings. Inspiration at last.

I haven’t made any art for months. Something is wrong when this happens. I’m poisoned by something in my life, or I’m starving for something I need. Just one day in the rain, free and flying with my heart open filled me with joy and new ideas. I’m not spending enough time in Narnia. Too much grief, too much time in the world. Not enough flying.

Coming home was painful. My house feels, not like a home, but like a trap. My life choices hurt, chafe, cut, bite into skin. Everything is difficult. There is so much I must do and it is all so difficult. On the train from Newcastle, in the tiny sewer-stinking toilet, the old scars on my wrist catch the light and I suddenly want a matching set on my other wrist. Grief catches in my throat. The first day home and working on urgent admin – phone calls, emails, enrolling in tafe classes, I’m three hours in before the sense of self loathing kicks in so strong it’s like a punch to the gut. It’s like coming home to find mental illness waiting for me. My life hurts.

So I take a step back from the edge. I spend time alone. I read. My cat comes and cuddles up to me for the first time in months and it feels like a blessing. I watch the rain. I go and buy big canvases from the art shop, hoping the inspiration wont leave, wont collapse, hoping the strength will stay long enough that I can paint. I move slowly, I’m silent, even in my mind, silent. Letting thoughts flow through me very slowly, very quietly. Waiting in the stillness for the pain and sadness to ease, for the joy to settle. For clarity and hope.

I’m working on a set of blog posts about sex which are important to me but very difficult to write. My blog post about it has reached a few thousand words so I’ve decided to break it up into parts. Some days I can think clearly to write and others I edit and rewrite endlessly. I’ve also been revamping the blog, adding new pages, changing the colour scheme. There’s more to be done but I’m happy with the progress so far. I’m also planning to upgrade the DI website which is painfully out of date. I was too busy to keep up with it last year but I’ve a little window now to get some more work done on it. My facepainting page on my wordpress blog is looking good too, although the rest of that site is mostly empty. It’s all a lot of work. Little bits at a time. 

An Auspicious Start

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I woke early this morning and felt the edges of the depression that’s been dogging me this year. Outside the world was white with cloud and glistening with gentle rain. I talked myself into getting up, and washed my dishes. Dishes are my bane, my most hated housework. They hurt my back and irritate my skin. This morning, in the cool, with the rain scented breeze coming through my window, I talked to myself in my mind, how pleasant the warm water was on my hands, that this is my home and my safe place. I cleaned the whole kitchen and made a mug of hot chocolate and came back to bed with fresh bread and butter, blue gum honey and lucerne honey. It’s a good start to the day. Here in this still place I’m hoping to find my medicine, in the pearl white light and the gentle company of books, in thoughts that swim like fish through my mind. May today hurt less. May today my hands have art within them.

I’m in love

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I’ve had the most wonderful day. It’s been cool and rainy here in Newcastle, much more to my tastes. I am sleeping on the top bunk on the second floor, by a large open window with no screen or bars. There’s no bars on the bed either, nothing to stop me rolling out, falling through the window and down to the pavement below. Which gives me the shivers, but is also wonderfully like sleeping in a tree house, all breezy and up among the lovely tropical foliage. I lay in my bunk at night and watch the stars and city lights and rain and the trees dancing in the wind. Not far is the sea, just a brief walk, and I can smell it and feel the salt in the air. In the mornings it’s very warm and still, and I can’t sleep for the light coming in and the heat. But this morning it was perfect, cool, raining, breezy. I lay under my sheet, waking from nightmares to watch the rain falling through the trees, sleeping and waking and sleeping.

My beloved is napping now with her head in my lap as we rest in the lounge at the backpackers. Today we went again to visit her elderly relative for lunch, and it was sad for her. It’s always painful to see someone you love ill, or old, to be aware of time passing, of mortality, of the cruelty of distance and the inadequacy of words. There’s always so much to say and no words to say it. I’ve been here with my beloved grandma who died a few years ago. I can sit with this sadness, I know how to bear it, how to stay present with it. There’s so much beauty in it, joy within pain, love beneath sorrow. Such a simple thing it is, to be present.

Then we visited the Newcastle art gallery, and were lucky enough to stumble into an exhibition of Oscar Wilde’s The Nightingale and the Rose by Del Kathryn Barton. It was stunning. I spent an hour in front of the huge, intricately painted canvases, trying to shelter that tiny flame of inspiration that lit in me. I find it so hard to keep believing in myself, in art, in the value of my work, in the possibility of success. One of my greatest limitations as an artist is my lack of confidence. Strangely enough, the cause of this; poverty, hardship, is also one of my great strengths as an artist; I have experienced so much and have so much to say. I’m also painfully afraid of the times I shut down and can’t create art, and terribly impatient with myself.

This exhibition was an artists response to a work of writing, something I’ve often thought of doing. The size of the paintings was powerful, and the technique; combining inks, paint and watercolors, was appealing. I was very taken by it all, and found myself blossoming with hope, that if she can make such splendid works, I can also. I’m excited about my projects planned for this year. I so want to keep that tiny sense of hope alive, it dies so easily in me and then everything is such a struggle. I bought a beautiful big art book of the exhibition to take home and display, hoping to keep this feeling alive. Others have walked this road. It is possible.

Once the gallery closed, we sheltered under the eaves on the doorstep and picnicked on snacks and talked about life and cried a little and held each others hands. Then we walked until we found a lovely Vietnamese restaurant and ate prawns and red rice and soft shell crab. It rained and we wandered the streets in it, finding paths around puddles, water shining in our hair. Night fell as we walked.

Sometimes there were loud groups of drunk guys or someone hassling passerbys for money and we stopped holding hands and walked faster. My part who handles violence comes out, walks tall. ‘We won’t be easy victims, leave us be.’ Nothing happens. My girlfriend and I have a rule that either of us can stop holding hands (or anything else that clearly marks us as a gay couple) if we feel unsafe in public, no argument, no recriminations.

We find a store that’s open, and buy exotic icecream; filled with brownies and cookie dough. Back at the hostel, we lay about on a big couch in the lounge, legs tangled, reading Sabriel to each other, sharing the icecream and enjoying the freedom to be a couple in a public space and feel safe and accepted. We laugh and play and talk. It’s so sweet, sweet to be in love.

I’m off On a Holiday!

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
I’m writing to you tonight from the top bunk of my room in Newcastle. I’m thrilled. My girlfriend and I are on a trip to visit some of her people and have a break from the heat and illness that have taken up a lot of the start this year for us… So ironically enough, at around 2am this morning, I had a sudden flair up of an extremely painful mystery skin condition, when I needed to be on a 6am flight! The pain was terrible, and I wound up booking an appointment with a GP in Sydney this afternoon. My frustration was so great that at 3am I was sobbing into my girlfriends shoulder. But we actually pulled of a great day today anyway!

I coped really well with the flight, no phobic stress or troublesome switching, although I did become distressingly travel sick. Virgin airplane staff were super kind and helpful with ice and ginger beer which was lovely. The Sydney doc thinks I’ve developed another form of dermatitis that burns like acid on my skin and has prescribed a cream and anti inflammatories. I seem to be collecting unusual skin conditions, which I’m frankly furious about. I would like at some point to trade them all in for, say, a cat run.

I spent a wonderful afternoon trundling around Paddy’s Market and buying lovely little items to add to my personal grounding kit (search for this term in my blog if you’re not familiar with it) foodie nibbles, and gothy jewellery. It was wonderful. Then we caught the train over to Newcastle (here I am on it)
ate some instant pasta and lovely fruit we bought at the markets, showered, applied creams and bug spray liberally, and crashed out by the cool breeze coming in the open windows.

You know something I’m still getting used to, dating another woman for the first time, is the way you share space differently. Picture yourself out on a date. It’s going well, you’re feeling excited. You decide to duck off to the loo to toilet, fix your hair, check for food in your teeth, text your best friend, talk to yourself in the mirror, whatever, and as you excuse yourself and leave, your date says ‘that’s a good idea’ and follows you in. o.O It’s a little bit of a different dynamic! I still find it a bit surreal to be showering in the cubical next to my girlfriend on holidays and the like. Not bad, just different. Sometimes less convenient, and sometimes more intimate. You have to put care into creating thoughtful partner space because cultural gender segregation hangups won’t do it for you. It’s certainly been very interesting noticing things like this.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that gothic proclivities have prepared me well to cope with public stares, discomfort, and occasional rudeness when you’re obviously in a gay relationship. I’m used to those reactions when I’m done up goth, so it hasn’t hit as hard to be getting them for holding my girlfriend’s hand down at the local pool, or taking her out to dinner. A lot of the time I simply don’t notice. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes me feel sad for the other person and where they’re coming from. Sometimes it makes me angry. And sometimes it makes me laugh, especially when people seem to think that their disapproval is going to cower me! It can be funny, the power people think they have over you. 🙂 If they’re particularly obnoxious I amuse myself by irritating them by being particularly affectionate with her as they stare daggers, mutter, snort, or pretend not to notice. It certainly gives me something to do on long train trips ha haa!

Developing the business…

/ Sarah K Reece / 3 Comments
Today I went to Ikea and bought home this lovely teal folding chair – for the person being painted by me to sit on, and this wonderful blackboard/whiteboard stand. My previous folding chair was a three legged stool which turned out to be terrifyingly unstable when kids climbed onto or off of it so this one is a vast improvement. I am very exited about the board because I wanted a way to communicate with the public at fairs and other events of that nature. I was sad and frustrated to notice that many parents assumed there would be a cost and walked their kids past my gazebo… while other parents bought their kids in and asked the cost once I’d painted them… I know what it’s like to not have the money to splash about on luxuries and those kids are particularly the ones I want to make sure don’t miss out!! I also want to trial a new system for the waiting line – last time people were lined out in the hot sun and I was concerned about that. When they tried to snug under my shade instead, the order got mixed up and tempers flared when kids were painted out of order. I was thinking of borrowing an idea from the deli counter and getting kids to take a number. It would also be a good way of tracking how many kids I’ve painted that day. My lovely postcards have come in from Vistaprint and the beautiful banner too, so I’m feeling very professional and set up now! Just have to go and pin some postcards up in a few locations to start advertising. 
It’s been a really lovely weekend for me, the intense despression has lifted at last and the fibro is easing… I have woken up three mornings in a row feeling happy to be alive! This is a wonderful thing. I’m going to be off on an interstate holiday soon so I’m hoping to get some more work done around my house and start catching up on the big load of admin and emails waiting for me before I go. It’s great to have things looking up again. 🙂

Burgers!

/ Sarah K Reece / 3 Comments

I’ve been working on a few posts lately, of the serious and thought-out kind on mental health topics… I’ve been pretty unwell and in a lousy headspace for the past few weeks so these are not the kinds of things I can put together in a day. But in the meantime, today I woke up feeling great for the first time in living memory (almost) so I’ve had an excellent day, gone and harassed half my friends in the name of being a facilitator of Bridges, and now I’m home with other friends round and we’ve made enormous burgers and are about to game together in Torchlight 2. So there’s your update – still alive, not in massive pain for the moment, headspace is possibly on the irritatingly cheeky side which is a considerable improvement on the neurotic and teary side that I’ve been stuck in, and all is well with my world. Hope your week finished well too. x

Sick

/ Sarah K Reece / 4 Comments
I’m sick, I’ve been holed up in bed for a couple of days. The recent heat has knocked the stuffing out of me and my fibro has flared. I’ll be alright in a day or so but for now I’m exhausted, depressed, my body aches, and I’m pretty uninterested in life. This is exactly how I like spending my holidays.
As a special treat today I got to go see my dentist. 😦

Alternatively restless and listless, I’m struggling to recharge after so much hard work and long hours at the end of last year. My garden is calling to me, and my kitchen. I want the weather and my health to improve so I can bake and dig my garden. I want flour on my hands. I want to camping and lay under the stars. I want to smell herbs in my garden.

In the meantime I’m grateful that the dentist didn’t need to do much with my teeth this trip, and hoping my migraine settles down enough to get to my group Bridges, and away somewhere fun over the weekend.

Fingers crossed.

Chilling With Zoe

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
Once again, it’s horribly hot here. For those of you not in South Australia, we’ve been in a 30’s and 40’s heatwave lately. Friday was a doozy, most of the day it was between 40 and 44 degrees. Part of my physical health troubles are that I struggle to regulate my own body temperature, so I really do not cope well with heat. I started the day by throwing up dinner and spent most of it feeling very sorry for myself. I don’t have the best air conditioning in my unit, but I’ve been experimenting with a few different set ups and I’ve got a good spot going in front of my computer, and the bedroom isn’t too bad, at least during the 30’s.

So, in this weather I am generally found indoors, hanging out in front of my air conditioner with Zoe. In the evenings I hang out with friends or go to the beach and go swimming. It’s not such a hard life really. 🙂