Dissociation

United States of Tara

/ Sarah K Reece / 1 Comment

I’m often asked what I think of this show, and it’s not an easy question to answer. It’s a highly divisive topic in the multiple community and I’m always mindful of very strong feelings for and against by a lot of people who feel pretty disempowered and marginalised already.

Personally, I’ve watched the whole show. As a television show, I think it works. It’s interesting and funny and thought provoking. It’s entertainment. I laugh through it. As a multiple and mental health activist passionate about multiplicity, I have mixed reactions. I love that everyone in Tara’s family has ‘issues’. She’s not the wreck in a perfect family. I love using humour to talk about big important issues- although I also recognise that for some other people, this feels painful and humiliating. Personally, I’ve plenty of funny stories about the complications of life as a multiple and I’m glad I can navigate things with a sense of humour. I like that they consistently treat the multiplicity as ‘real’ and show the confusion and distress of not having it treated as real. I think it’s good that there’s a clear childhood trauma link established. Raising awareness of the experience of multiplicity is a good thing.

But there are also things that deeply frustrated me about the show. I find Tara’s switching actually painful to watch. It’s hard to communicate how deeply uncomfortable it makes me, the best analogy I’ve been able to come up with, is to try and imagine how it feels to watch a close relative stripping… just… ugh! This representation of switching isn’t inaccurate, although it is misrepresentative. A smaller percentage of multiples switch like Tara, very obviously, to a small, stable set of highly recognisable parts. The majority of multiples switch covertly. The transitions are subtle and hidden from most people, or only occur when they’re alone/in therapy/with their closest friends. Making me feel uncomfortable is not a criticism, but what really bothers me is that Tara’s presentation of multiplicity is not put into a context. It wouldn’t have been difficult to write in brief interactions with some other multiples who have different presentations, whether she met them in person, read about them in biographies, or talked with them online. Presenting Tara as a typical multiple is frustrating for someone like me. I have to contend with the sideways glances as people try to catch me switch. I have been asked by shrinks or support workers to switch on demand. I also have to manage the typical reactions of people who are permitted to observe an obvious switch, which is usually fear and fascinated voyeurism.

This brings me to my next major concern about Tara. The show brings up some of the greatest fears experienced by multiples or by the general community about multiples. ‘Younger’ parts making sexual advances to a young person. Parts being killed off or disappearing. Parts who embody an abuser. A multiple who cannot be trusted to care for an infant. I’m not saying these things never happen, but when the public understanding of multiplicity is based on Tara, Sybil, and numerous serial killer movies, this makes me angry. This is not representative of multiples! I have never ever put a child at risk, been sexually inappropriate with a child, and none of my system are abusers, violent, sociopathic, or sadistic. Multiples watched this series, saw some of our worst fears brought to life, and we’re left without answers, without assurance, and for many of us, without any other resources or supports in our lives. I feel this is shortsighted at best and unethical at worst. So many of us are so alone, so afraid of ourselves, so stigmatised, labouring under books of rigid advice about how we should function, stuck with a medical model that construes multiplicity as a sickness, and treated by the wider community as serial killers and freaks. I think conversations and depictions of multiplicity need to be sensitive to this context, and to maintain hope, honesty, freedom, diversity, and respect. I think Tara starts this conversation but falls a long way short of the hopes I had for it as a resource and tool to advocate on behalf of multiples.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

I’m dating :)

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

It’s been a mammoth week here for me, and with 2 exhibition launches this week and a major sculpture project due on Monday… it’s not going to ease up anytime soon. It’s getting challenging to find time to write the blog! Over this last week I’ve had the wedding of two dear friends (to each other), a friends mental health crisis, vandalism happening around my home, and I’ve officially started dating a wonderful woman I first met in the online dating scene. We’ve been talking and catching up for almost 4 weeks now and we’ve just done the big status change on facebook. 🙂

Needless to say, I’m feeling slightly dazed! On top of the world, anxious, excited, exhausted, frustrated, happy… I think I’ve hit every emotional note and then some this week.

Dating as a multiple is complicated. My girlfriend knows of my situation and we’re doing a lot of talking. I’m learning a lot and my system is adjusting to the new circumstances. I’m working on foreseeing and avoiding at least the obvious possible problems (such as leaving the other person feeling rejected when some parts need time to themselves), and discovering that being a multiple in a relationship doesn’t all have to be trauma and downsides… in fact it can be fun, silly, enjoyable, slightly bizarre, and always interesting! There’s a lot of role swapping and different kinds of bonds being formed as different parts turn up to say hello.

So, that’s been my week. Off to The Knack tonight, hope your week is going well!

There’s out…

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

…and then there’s out to your neighbours… I’ve been having a rough time since I moved in, with one neighbour shouting at me and sending the occasional hostile letter. In the last few months I’ve woken up a couple of times to find some minor vandalism. Last week was a bit special, had one of my windows super-glued shut. 😦

This morning I was busy painting shoes and I could hear this neighbour complaining about me to others in my block which was pretty unpleasant. I turned up the music and kept my head down.

This afternoon I discovered that the local Messenger was running the story about me for Big Circle Arts and Mental Health week. Hence the sudden interest by the neighbours. (the last time I was interviewed by The Messenger, it didn’t run the story in my local area)

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My first reaction is to feel ill. Stressed, exposed, discredited, humiliated, targeted. Feels like being back at school.

My second reaction (thank god for parts, they always have a different view) is defiance. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m a decent person and a respectful neighbour. People can think what they like, I’m holding my head up and I’m happy with my life. Out is where I wanted to be.

Adaptation and Control

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

The capacity to adapt is one my strengths, and it’s a very common one for dissociative multiples. Chameleon like, we often switch to new parts to manage new environments or situations. People who are rigid and inflexible in the way they approach the world usually struggle during times of change or through experiences of trauma. Adaptation has tremendous power to help us navigate complex circumstances and draw upon different personal attributes in different situations.

However, too much adaptation can become destructive. This is something I have really struggled with. The metaphor I use is of having my feet welded to railway tracks. I am not a free agent who can go where they wish, rather I only travel the tracks laid out for me. What this means practically is that I can really struggle to run my own life when I’m stressed. I lose my capacity to initiate anything. I am adept at coping with adapting to what other people around me choose to do, but making choices of my own has been very challenging. I’ve worked very hard to manage these problems and feel more in control of my own life.

For me, I spent a great many years in various stressful situations where I could not escape, and I could not control what was happening. I did not have the power to make major decisions about my life. I could not choose where or with whom I lived, not to go to school, or to influence any of the decisions the adults in my life made. Because many of my experiences were traumatic, this basically trained me that life is something I adapt to, not something I control. I try to carve enough breathing room from the space that is left after everyone else has made their choices. I have been conditioned to be compliant (or passive aggressive) rather than free.

As an adult, this is a useless framework. It severely limits my freedoms, stops me taking charge of my own life, and has tended to play into abusive relationships. I have had to work hard to retrain myself to be the person in charge of my own life. Even now, when I’m very tired or run down, I feel those old train tracks under my feet, and that sense of being trapped by my choices and unable to make changes.

There are many things I’ve done to break this training. The first step for me has been recognising it. There is a particular grief that I feel when I’m trapped in it, a horrible, paralyzing depression that I have learned to recognise means I have lost control of my own choices. Many things can trigger that loss of control. Some common ones for me have been:

    • being dependent on someone else for a basic resource like housing
    • feeling trapped by difficult circumstances such as caring for someone with severe mental illness
    • feeling trapped by choices made by other parts that are not what I would have chosen
    • being paralysed by fear or guilt in a relationship
    • not standing up for myself in a power struggle
    • not saying what I really think or feel
    • feeling betrayed by a part in some way eg. sharing my journal entry without permission, talking in a derogatory way about me to someone, giving away my clothes or belongings

Once we’d started to tease out what sets off this experience, we’ve all started to work on each of the issues. Mandating system wide that no one is to be abusive or disrespectful to anyone else, or to throw out anyone’s belongings was a fairly easy process for us. Learning to say what we really think or feel has been much slower and longer. Many parts have excellent skills in that area and are comfortable and confident. However many are crippled by social anxiety, a desire to please, a fear of abuse, and really struggle to clearly define themselves. We’ve taken a two pronged approach to this – firstly to support all parts to be able to learn these skills as they can, and secondly to switch to more confident parts if they are being overwhelmed and crashing. Both have taken time to develop, and a safe place to retreat back to, to process all the complex feelings associated with it. This process brought up a lot of intense feelings, fear that I was being mean, fear of being perceived as selfish, fear of arguments or hostility, struggling to learn how to disagree in a warm and friendly way, struggling to learn how to set boundaries before I’d become furious and resentful. (or switched to someone furious and resentful!) It was amazing the sense of freedom that came from being able to do very little things like say warmly ‘That’s not been my experience’ in a situation where I felt dominated and everyone else in the room agreed with each other. Just a tiny little sentence like that would lift the sense of crushing weight, of being trapped and owned, and suddenly we were Sarah again, and could breathe.

Most of these issues for me/us have taken a lot of work and a long time, but even very small gains have been powerful. I’m not finished yet, some areas are very strong now and some are much more fragile and rocky, but enough work has been done that I am able to exercise a lot of control in my life now, to make big independent decisions about what I do with my time, who I spend time with, what degree to pursue, how to run my house. I am gradually learning the skills to be the leader in my life, practicing through things like training a strong willed dog, forcing myself to make decisions without checking them out with anyone for their approval, learning how to be more adaptive to internal needs and conflicts instead of accidentally trapping a whole system of parts into choices only a few of us want.

This issue of over-adapting and losing initiative is a very common one for those of us who have been traumatised, particularly through abusive relationships. Breaking the training that making independent decisions is profoundly dangerous can be tricky and take lots of time. But it certainly is possible. If this is a difficult area for you, perhaps a similar approach will be useful – notice what makes it worse and work on those issues. Some days you’ll make progress and other’s you’ll crash and burn, but it’s surprising how it does all add up over time. Everytime you look after yourself, speak up for yourself, make a decision in your own best interest, you exercise a little more power over your own life, you reclaim a little more freedom. And that experience is so thrilling, so liberating, so nourishing, that it all snowballs and becomes easier and easier. If you’re at the start of that process, take heart. 😀

 

The Exhibition Is Up!

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I spent a frantic morning before Bridges yesterday putting up all the artwork for this exhibition. The previous evening I had titled and written a brief description of each work, I dashed off to the library first thing to print these. When I arrived at Fullarton Centre, I found a corridor with newly installed overhead rails from which to hang the art. These are simply awesome, I would love to install them all through my house. The downside was being given a milk crate of tangled line and hooks to hang the art with. 🙂 I was madly rushing up and down this corridor, wrestling with lengths of clear nylon line and trying not to fall over my own feet. I arranged all the work, strung it up, cut out the titles, blue tacked everything discretely, and jumped up and down with excitement before running off to group. It really did look good, something special. I can finally really envisage my first solo exhibition somewhere with loads of new work and a big wonderful launch… I’m not quite there yet but at last it feels within my grasp! I’m tremendously proud of the work, to have created so much under such difficult circumstances, and kept it safe, it’s such a joy to me. There’s so much more still to come, my brain bursts at the seams with new images and ideas!

The descriptions is very new for me, it opens each work up so much more to reveal my personal imagery and symbolism. It was alarming to write because of this exposure! But I also think it is very powerful. So much modern art locks the viewer out, it is incomprehensible and alienating. I want to do the opposite, to invite people in, to be open and share the keys to understanding my work, to communicate through art.

But wow, is it revealing!

Earlier this week a reporter and photographer from the Messenger came by to put a story in the paper about Mindshare and the whole Big Circle Arts Exhibition Trail. I did an interview for the Messenger last year, which was fantastic. At the time I only disclosed that I had ‘a dissociative disorder’. This time I talked about DID, multiplicity, parts, the whole shebang. First time I’ve done that with the media. I felt pretty ill for the rest of the day. But, I’m also proud of myself. One more message that this stuff is real and ‘normal’, not freakish or scary. Nibbling away at the myths and stigma. I’m hoping the art exhibition will do that too. The stress and anxiety and exposure are pretty high, but so is the delight and pride and excitement. I hope I’ve made the right calls.

Multiplicity – Is naming parts harmful?

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

This post follows on from an earlier one called I am not Sarah.

Some people who have, or work with those who have, multiplicity get very anxious about parts having names. There is an idea that naming parts will increase separation, that it supports the ‘illusion of independence’ and will reduce internal harmony and health.

There’s a lot of ideas tied into this premise that I think are worth examining:

  1. The first is that names have power. This is an interesting idea, as an avid reader of fantasy I find it often. The Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula LeGuin is a perfect example, where people have their ‘usenames’ they use everyday, and their ‘truenames’, which they keep deeply secret or share only with those they most trust. To know someone’s truename is to be able to exercise power over them. Our entire field of psychology is based on the idea that to name something through diagnosis is helpful, will aid understanding and communication and help give you power over it also.
  2. The second is that naming a part will make it more separate. I’ve read arguments back and forth between therapists about how to identify parts, which terms are best, about whether to ‘correct’ multiples if they refer to their parts as people. I’ve read of multiples who refuse to name or allow names for their parts, or who become intensely anxious if their parts choose names because of this idea that naming confers independent existence.
  3. The third is that increasing the separation of parts is a bad thing. This comes from the medical model of DID. In this model, you are mentally ill, and it is your parts that indicate you are sick. Health is about getting rid of the parts, through integration or exorcism or suppression or whatever. Once all the parts are gone, you’re well again. Anything that makes the parts more separate or to function more independently of one another is going in the wrong direction as the goal is to merge everyone together or to collapse those parts that are ‘not needed’ and leave just one.

It interests me that each of these ideas are generally ‘accepted truths’, because investigating accepted truth is often fruitful. What do we think, why do we think these things, and how do we know they are right?

Some people read my outing of myself as multiple I am not Sarah, as a declaration that I disagree with allowing parts to have names, forcing everyone to operate under the group name Sarah. Not so!

My system, pre-diagnosis, used to organise itself roughly into a few groups. A handful who thought of themselves as Sarah, and who did a lot of day to day living and surviving. A handful who only turned up in very close relationships and thought of themselves as our middle name, Katherine. A handful who gave themselves no names but were clear that they were not Sarah, and would occasionally write very unhappy poetry about how much Sarah annoyed them. And lastly, the deeply cut off and buried ones who also were without names, without time ‘out’, just buried. Some slept, some screamed.

This is a pretty lousy structure. We’ve re-organised a lot over the years. Part of this process was finding a group name that everyone could shelter under, so that we didn’t have to identify individually. We chose Sarah, and disallowed any individual part from using that name for themselves, and the same with Katherine, because both names had such importance to us, and because the psych approach tends to create a hierarchy according to who has the birth name. The greatest threat to our functioning was now perceived to be the psych system, so we restructured partly to protect ourselves from them.

Everyone in my system (ie, me included) has either a name, or a title, or both. This is what makes it possible to communicate with and about each other. Therapy for example, can become extremely complicated if you are trying to talk about which of 8 Sarah’s you are trying to refer to! We can often deliberately trigger each other out using names or titles – maintaining their presence can be trickier, but calling someone’s name will often make us switch to them. It was engaging this process that was part of convincing us initially that we were multiple. Some multiples discover parts who already have names, so the whole question of whether parts should have names is moot. In my case things got pretty interesting at the point of awareness, with many parts very excited about names or titles (by titles I mean things like “The sad one”, “The librarian”, or “The 7 year old”. none of these are used in my system) Some parts, particularly a couple of younger ones, got very excited and rather confused and chose a lot of names for themselves until we worked out they weren’t remembering their previous choices and were accidentally making system mapping pretty confusing. This was a frightening and confusing time and we were worried that this process might make us ‘worse’.

Now, we’re pretty relaxed about the whole thing. I never give a fixed number for how many parts there are in my system, because I never assume that our system map is completely accurate and finished, and I’m comfortable with that. We have never yet been comfortable about openly identifying as individuals – on many blogs by multiples there will be a page where you can read about their system members – and I’ve always admired that, but it makes us feel incredibly exposed also! Maybe one day.

  1. So what about those first three assumptions? How have they played out for us? Well, names were powerful. Names took us out of darkness, incoherent and terrified. With names, came relationships.
  2. Did names increase separateness? Hmmm, that’s a difficult question to answer. My system has known a lot of internal wars over the years, massive power conflicts, terrible distress from banished members, parts getting lost and not coming out for many years… Relationships were the start of changing all of that. We also all tried to operate as some kind of middle ground between us – between the extremes of adult/child, dark/light, serious/silly, functioning/wounded… the result of which was that nobody was every really able to be who or how they are. All of us were scrunched in a box too small, limited by an idea of who ‘Sarah’ was that was painfully ill-fitting. Instead of continuing to cramp us all, we have changed and expanded the idea of who ‘Sarah’ is. So, in that sense, yes, part of the process has been about becoming more separate, being able to be ourselves.
  3. Lastly, has this separation been harmful? Well, no. My system has spread wings and we’ve all reveled in the freedom to be who and how we are in the world… while actually coming together to share a deep commitment to values that bind us as a tribe and help us function together. Our leaders have inspired us, have treated the wounded ones with care and the hostile ones with respect, and we have come to find value in our differences and to stop being threatened by each other the way we used to be. We are far more separate in some respects, and far more united in others. In this, has been health and peace.

I don’t share my experiences to suggest that this is the ‘right way’. Everyone’s path is unique, and it can help to hear a variety of ideas about paths to recovery. Certainly in my case, names have not been something catastrophic or something to fear. If you have parts who deeply desire names, perhaps fear is not needed. Perhaps this can be the start of awareness and light in processes that have been happening unconsciously and in the dark. Perhaps if you don’t think of them as symptoms of your illness, you’ll be able to relate to them with more warmth.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

A poem by my voice

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

She wrote this poem, with a little help from one of us.

Unseen and unbidden I’m carried inside
Through fire and darkness and brief times of peace
Without voice without choice without hope without name
No skin for my own to wrap up my dreams in.

Only the void and the places all hollow,
Only the terror the loss and the death
Without resurrection, no golden tomorrow
The failure beyond all hope of redemption. 

I was supposed to make it all better
Bring life and give hope and make wings for the broken
Be pure, and good, and holy, and chaste
Unchanged and unchanging, untouched and untouching.

But here in the pit of the brain came the darkness
The place I was left when the light went away
And the monsters they caught me and made me their own
So all my light failed and all my love died. 

Sex and mental illness

/ Sarah K Reece / 1 Comment

I’ve never heard anyone discuss this topic. It’s a non topic, like the whole disability sector I think the assumption is that if you’ve got a mental illness, you’re not having sex, you’re no longer even a sexual person. It is a non issue in your life, to the extent that you also have not noticed that other people have sex, so you don’t even have feelings about that. (this is starting to change in disability) There are incredibly thorny issues here that people are struggling to navigate alone, often without information, without language, without the ability to communicate about it. This makes me furious!

Imagine your partner has bipolar. Part of mania can be an increased libido. Is sex during mania ethical? Is refusing it on the basis of your assessment of their manic state rejection? Your partner is a multiple. You have a romantic, sexual relationship with the part who is out most of the time. A different part comes out one night and wants to be sexual. Where do you stand? (more information on Multiplicity and Relationships) Your partner has depression. You want to comfort them. Is sex okay? What about if you have to coax them into it? People everywhere, every day are trying to navigate these kinds of dilemmas, and are doing so in a culture that refuses to discuss any of this. We talk about sex incessantly, but we so rarely get beyond ‘nudge nudge, wink wink’. In mental health we don’t talk about it at all.How do you navigate issues of consent and coercion with people (or as people) who are at times, not in their right minds? How do you even determine when that might be? What about with those who have been sexually traumatised? Who are often so deeply ashamed, feel so profoundly broken and guilty, and desperate to ‘make it up to’ their partner, that the power imbalance makes genuine consent almost impossible to determine? What do you do if they have a panic attack during sex? If a child part comes out? If they dissociate or become catatonic? If they weep? If they pressure you? If they want you to re-enact a sexual trauma with them? (more information on Intimacy after Abuse)

All of these things need communication. For many of these issues, there is not a one-size-fits-all answer, there is a unique and deeply personal understanding between those involved about what constitutes love, fidelity, betrayal. One person coming down off a manic high may feel abused by sexual contact during the mania, while another person may feel patronised and humiliated by rejection. Too many people don’t find this out until after making difficult decisions on the fly. It doesn’t need to be this way, and in mental health I believe we should be starting these conversations. We should be opening that door and helping people to think about these things before they find themselves in a catch-22 situation. We should be talking about meds and libido. About cardio-vascular health and sexual function. About diverse sexuality and gender. About unwanted celibacy, which is an agonising result of chaotic behaviour for some people with mental illness. About sustaining emotional and sexual intimacy through episodes of illness. About the risks of the carer role, parent-child dynamics, the loss of erotic interest in the ‘sick’ partner, and how to reverse it. About sex post-PTSD. These are deep and critical aspects of people’s lives and we have no right to pretend they are not relevant. We deserve honest, open, caring conversations about them.

I’ve now written a series of articles about emotionally safer sex that’s relevent for people with anxiety, trauma, or mental illness struggles. It starts with Safe Sex 1. Checking In.

Parts vs Voices?

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

What’s the difference between voices and parts? Good question. On a functional level (what are voices and parts, how do they form, how should they be engaged with, what are the desired outcomes) they may be very similar. I use a simple delineation between the two, if you hear them and they can speak, influence your thinking or feelings but not your body, they are a voice. (and presumed to be part of a psychotic condition) If they switch out and run the body, they are a part. (and presumed to be part of a dissociative condition) There’s a blurry space of overlap in the middle here despite some very different ideas about how these conditions form and how they should be approached.

The dominant paradigm for parts, once we get over the hurdle of assuming they exist, and are not iatrogenic, is that you must learn to embrace all of them and to integrate them into one person.

The dominant paradigm for voices within the mental health sector is that you must ignore them and refuse to engage them in order to make them go away.

So if you have parts you are not allowed to dislike them or wish them gone, and if you have voices you are not allowed to enjoy their company or miss them if they go.

Some people, like myself, have both. I have a system full of parts who switch. I can hear some as voices when they’re inside. But I also have a voice who is not a part. She never comes out and she doesn’t feel like a part, which is difficult to explain.

I’m always interested in what our forbidden responses are, the minority opinions that we don’t feel safe to share, or even feel. There’s a big difference to me in the paths we choose to walk and the things we can feel. I have found a lot of peace and wholeness by deciding to accept and embrace everyone in my system. We collaborated to ban abuse between us, but we didn’t shut down feelings. Those who were intimidated or baffled by other parts are still allowed to feel the way they do. There are days I wish I wasn’t multiple, that it’s hard or it hurts or it’s scary and confusing. There are also days where my voice has driven me nuts and it feels pretty unfair that when I’m already having a rough day she adds to it with an insistent litany of self loathing. I believe it’s important to do what’s best for you, even if it’s hard. I also believe that it’s okay to feel all the things you really feel about it. Try not to let the dominant ideas get in the way of working out what is actually best for you, or being allowed to feel the way you really do. 🙂

For a wonderful post about working with voices using the framework of seeing them as parts, read Creating a New Voice by Indigo Daya.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

The power of books

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

You know, I read a lot of psych books. And I read a lot of quality fiction, I have my ‘canon’ set that I deeply love, and they get reread every year or so. (The Earthsea set, Across the Wall series, Lord of the Rings, all my Patricia McKillip books, all Ray Bradbury’s novels…) There are huge advantages to being a really fast reader, and some to being fairly dissociative, like really enjoying your favourite book again every year. 🙂 I have honestly learned and gained as much from the fiction as the non fiction. Characters facing terrible situations and struggling to find a moral compass have given me strength. Those who face devastation and horror with compassion and gentleness have helped me to feel that someone out there would understand me, speak my language and care about me – in the dark years where there were so few friends. The stories I love most have a poetry to them, they are about values, what it is to be human. They bring me close to my own heart and beliefs again, help to sustain me. I’ve already written about my favourite author Ray Bradbury and how his works helped me.

Books have even been a place I drew strength from in learning to understand and accept my diagnosis of DID. The following passage gave me courage when I was terrified to start system mapping and really learning about who else was sharing my mind.

“What use are the riddles and strictures of Caithnard, if not for this? You are Sol of Isig, caught up by fear between death and a door that has been closed for thousands of years. If you have no faith in yourself, then have faith in the things you call truth. You know what must be done. You may not have courage or trust or understanding or the will to do it, but you know what must be done. You can’t turn back. There is no answer behind you.”

 Patricia A. McKillip
The Riddle-Master of Hed

Talking at Tafe

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I gave a talk at Tafe yesterday, it was the same format as last time, one hour of talking about myself… :/

This time, as the DI has incorporated and I’m more familiar with talking about multiplicity, I edited out the poems and added in information about parts and the dissociative diagnosis. I told them not one of my parts is an axe murderer and made them laugh. 🙂 It went really well. I used dot points notes to keep me on track with just brief references to short stories about my experiences I could tell to illustrate points. And of course, a power point of artwork. I had to reassure them all at the outset that there were going to be no words on the powerpoint! I know how Tafe is. 🙂 I really liked being able to use the same talk again, I usually write new ones. Even better, the flexible structure made it really easy to tailor on the go. At a couple of points where they started to drift I cut things short and moved on. Other times I saw a couple of people looking teary and was careful to take the heavy stuff gently. I talked about the limitations of my conditions, of the medical model, various obstacles to my recovery, and the things that have helped me recover.

One of the things I said is there are two fundamental needs people have to be able to recover from mental illness. One of these is freedom, and the other is mutual, reciprocal relationships. Many people have both of these taken away from them by our mental health system.

I feel slightly bad about it, a twinge of guilt that doing things to help these, predominantly young people, to see the mentally ill as equal humans will set them up for a lot of conflict in their work lives…

The feedback was really positive, which was great. I was on a high all yesterday, and while I’m feeling slower and quieter today, (or rather, switching from the euphoric to the thoughtful) so far the usual aftermath crash hasn’t happened. I have a sneaky feeling it’s lying in wait for a quiet moment. I’m ready for it.

 

A poem conversation between parts

/ Sarah K Reece / 1 Comment

If this title is confusing you, read I am not Sarah first. :)from our journal, June 2011

F***!
It’s good to be alone
Here, I don’t have to be
Anything for anybody
I’m such a f***ing chameleon lately
Instead of the chimera I remember
So bloody adaptive
Being alone is like being able to breathe

And I become familiar again
Old pain and old perspectives return
Bougainvillea tattooed upon my wall

(Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping) 

There must be a night to howl in
For the poetry to come
And we don’t let them
Out in the day anymore:
The howling ones
No one who actually feels pain
Or has needs

We are now
Everything they want:
   cheerful in the face of pain
   magnanimous to betrayal
   indifferent to despair

No intensity. No bleeding
on their eyes.
Careful to disguise the darkness

Is this who we want to be?

But it’s working, isn’t it?
As long as we all get time –
And as long as
‘They’ know there’s more to us – 
more of us – others
who think differently feel different
That the poets and the presenters
may be different entirely
Isn’t that enough?

Isn’t darkness and intensity and anguish and rage and defiance
Something to be saved
for the special ones??

Isn’t this what a team looks like?

F***
I don’t know.

I guess I don’t trust you
To come back for me
To give me my time
I don’t have any goth trash clothes
When are we going out to dance?
My life is left behind
And I fear
You’d leave me too
Except for my poems

I know, I know
I’m trying.
It’s okay to be angry
Remind me you’re here
I don’t want to forget you either.
I’m incomplete, driven and hollow without you
You’re my shadow
I need you too.
Not just for poems
But because
You are part of my soul
You’re my dark of the moon
Stars falling in my sky
I need you to be whole.

So keep banging on my door
Paint me dark things
And force me to remember you.
I feel my lack
I feel my eternal sunshine
My hollow bones
I fly
I fly
But you are
My dark shadow
Always waiting 
Upon the earth
For me to return

Angry, bitter, brutal and intense
Defiant, you dance
In the bones of the real world
Where I fly 
In the dreams of tomorrow.
We are twins
And I love you
Don’t ever let me
Fly away from you.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

My Awesome Phone

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

A couple of months ago I signed up to a phone plan with a gorgeous new phone free of charge. It’s the Samsung Galaxy Nexus and I absolutely adore it. It’s a lot bigger than my old Ideos, a big awkward for fitting into your jeans pocket, and the larger screen drains the battery super fast. However, it’s so fast! So much easier to read email or write blog posts on, and can run all the apps my other phone choked on.

I now run four separate Google tasks widgets on my main screen, moving tasks between the lists as I wish. I am notified whenever library books are due etc. I also have a calendar widget as I use the Google calendar for my diary. I write poems on evernote when they come to me,

Early in the cold
I drag my bag of chittering, vexous, aching bones
Down to the sculpture studio
Like a leper to a sanctuary.

… write blog posts on the bus or in bed. I’ve just downloaded a few grocery shopping apps to test because I’m often ducking into the shops on the way home from work and I never have my list on me. Plus I’m an anxious shopper – I buy food for a three month siege when I’m feeling stressed, so being able to add the talley of my cart will be helpful in prevent those nasty surprises at the checkout.

The navigation app gets an extensive workout, as does Google maps. I can use public transport now I don’t have to read the timetables!

I have a very strong memory of my first night in a women’s shelter. I’m alone in the dark, locked in a strange room, lying on a plastic wrapped mattress, and I am terrified. I curl up on my side and talk to myself soothingly, clutching my mobile phone in both hands. It was my only lifeline back out to the rest of the world. Being in an environment like that: bars on my window, no escape route, no control, was a nightmare for someone with PTSD. I slept all night holding my phone.

My phone still means a lot to me. It is my access point to information, my voice to cry for help, my way to stay connected with far flung friends. It is a string I hold as I walk into the labyrinth, with it I risk things I would not otherwise have courage for. I take buses, walk at night, try new routes. It is my memory, reminding me I need cat food or the car oil needs checking. It is my way of recording so many special moments, documenting the mundane but incredibly precious moments of my life, Zoe chasing her toy, the blossoming trees in the street, a meal I’m proud to have cooked. It’s spoken as a given truth that technology divides us, distracts us, disconnects us. I love technology like my phone because for me it does the opposite. It frees me, connects me, empowers me. I remember the days of driving at night before mobiles, afraid of breaking down. I remember how hard you once had to work to find information. I remember what living with severe memory dissociation felt like before email reminders and phone ‘to do’ lists. I am very old fashioned in some ways, but tech like this I just adore.

Rain at Night

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Rain drops on my car windscreen catching the light. It’s a beautiful sight and has always enthralled me.

Not enough sleep, dreams full of struggling, waking and sinking back into them. Getting through the day with teeth gritted determination, one foot in front of the other, watching the room gently dissolve, casting around for anchors and grounding, stilling the agitation that rises, waiting for the darkness to pass, the veil will lift, it will lift again.

Is Schizophrenia having ‘Multiple Personalities’?

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The short answer here is no. Multiple personalities (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID in the DSM) is classified as a type of dissociative disorder, while schizophrenia is a type of psychotic disorder. Very shorthand descriptions of these types of conditions are:

  • dissociation involves a disconnection of some kind, in this case between parts of identity
  • psychosis involves an addition of some kind – hallucinations, delusions etc.

From the perspective of the DSM they are entirely separate and distinct, with fundamentally different processes involved and treatments. There are certainly huge differences between many of the experiences.

Popular culture often mixes them up, which tends to enormously irritate people with either diagnosis. I have some degree of sympathy for the confusion however, because even the concept of what schizophrenia, or for that matter, multiple personalities, actually is changes quite regularly and I get that folks outside of psychiatry aren’t getting the memo and keeping up.

The longer answer is still no, with some qualifiers.

Schizophrenia roughly translates to split mind. This does not traditionally refer to the idea of split personalities, but instead to divided mental process or a split from reality. Schizophrenia is a fairly poorly defined cluster of symptoms that has changed significantly over the years and since the previous term ‘dementia praecox’. ‘Multiple personalities’ has also been understood in various different ways over the years – as an experience of spiritual possession, a subtype of schizophrenia where the person is in fact suffering from the delusion that they have other personalities, and so on.

Where things get really tricky, even with the current rigidly defined separation between these two conditions, is in the overlap of presentation or experience. And there are a lot of them. Firstly, Schneiderian First-Rank Symptoms, which were once thought to be extremely diagnostic of schizophrenia (and involve experiences such as thought insertion, thought withdrawal, and voices heard arguing) have been shown in some studies to be far more indicative of DID. What this means is that telling the two conditions apart on the basis of observing a person, or even learning what kinds of experiences they are having can be very difficult.

 

Secondly, psychosis and dissociation often seem to co-occur in my personal experience. Many people with a psychotic condition find that massive dissociation is part of the prodromal (or onset) phase, just prior to a major break. Some people with a dissociative condition, like myself, experience psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations. PTSD is an excellent example of this. Technically classified as an anxiety disorder, people diagnosed with it commonly experience both significant dissociative and psychotic symptoms.

Thirdly the whole area of voices, which I think is what really confuses things in popular culture. The DSM perspective is that voices are hallucinations, while alters are split off parts of personality. The fact that some people who have DID can hear their alters as voices blurs the two categories. Having some people experience their voices as stable personalities who perceive themselves as separate but alive, likewise. There is a considerable space here where people from both diagnostic categories meet. For more on this overlap, see Parts vs Voices. For a lovely description of working with voices as parts, see Creating a New Voice by Indigo Daya.

For some people, the diagnostic labels are very useful and important. It can be a great relief to have a name for distressing or confusing experiences, and I’m not in any way trying to take that away. These frameworks have their uses. But they also have limitations, and when you move beyond the boiled down Psych 101 spin, life is more complex than these discrete packages of symptoms can really capture.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

Multiplicity – parts getting stuck

/ Sarah K Reece / 4 Comments

One of the topics that came up at Bridges today was parts getting stuck. Now, for some multiple systems, parts are fighting to be out, and sometimes that means that some parts are getting overpowered and stuck inside. This doesn’t just make them unhappy, they are often lonely and unsocialised, not having a voice or getting their needs met, and their unhappiness may well bleed through and cause troubles for the whole system through general distress such as not being able to sleep, nightmares, rashes, the sound of crying or screaming inside and so on.

Another kind of getting stuck can happen when someone comes out and can’t seem to go back inside again. In this case they may be quite overwhelmed and traumatised and not want to be out, or not be able to take on roles being required of them – perhaps they can’t drive, or lack the skills needed at work, or don’t eat. Rather like putting a stick in the spokes of a wheel, what was working gets locked up and stuck and things can get pretty tricky.

I’ve had to deal with both kinds of getting stuck at different times and I’ve learned a few keys to help get things moving again that work for me. The biggest issue for me is always working out what the problem actually is. Before we knew that we were multiple, we still picked a few things that helped with this sense of being stuck. One of them was changing environments – as that often triggers a switch for me. Thresholds of any kind – doorways and windows and the transition from concrete to sand to grass to earth, often have the capacity to draw out of me a different part to engage the new environment. When I am really stuck, I lose my capacity to initiate this change, I spiral down into a dark overwhelmed place where even if I can work out what I need I have lost the power to do it. This is where friends can be really helpful, to help me out of that place.

I can also often call out a different part by using other things that will likely trigger them, such as wearing ‘their’ clothes, putting their music on, going to their favourite places and so on. This was somewhat effective even before I had much information about who was who.

Now that I’ve done more system mapping, most of us can ask for another part by name to trigger them to come out. This is very useful but has the downside of making it difficult to talk about the parts by name without switching.

For me, some switches are automatic – for example in instances where I’ve been physically threatened, there is a particular part who will immediately turn up, without fail (to date). On the other hand, I’ve floundered badly in uni when I’ve ‘lost’ my researcher/study part and the rest of us have struggled terribly because writing essays are not in our skill sets . For us there’s a kind of dance that needs to keep moving for us to keep functioning, of appropriate switching so everyone in the system can be at their best, get their needs met, and use their strengths. We get stuck when this dance stops.

Another approach we’ve found useful to support very wounded parts is to allow them the right not to have to be out or have to try and function. They’re allowed to hide out inside where it’s safe, or to stay in bed. They need rest and peace.

As far as making sure unhappy buried parts get time out, I’ve a couple of approaches that help me. One is to fill my environment with things special to – and therefore triggering of – everyone. My home has to have things in it that represent or speak to every member of the system. Another is to keep a private system map that you check regularly. If you’re co-conscious or can track what you’ve been up to in some way, you can notice if someone hasn’t been around lately and make time for them.

For me, I’m getting much quicker at working out if getting stuck is the problem. Over the past week I’d noticed that although we were getting downtime and rest time overall there was a sense of chronic tension. We figured after a while that probably someone wasn’t getting out to get their needs met and made space for some switching to parts who haven’t been out in a while. That helped a lot.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

My personal experience of Voice Hearing

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments
I came home from the Psychosis workshop by Rufus May the other day and recorded this clip about my experiences of the workshop and how it has changed my understanding of a voice that I hear. I’m hoping this will help people who don’t hear voices to better understand the experience, and give hope to those who do. I will be writing more about voice hearing, psychosis, and this workshop. 🙂

The Dissociative Initiative has Incorporated

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

We did it. A bunch of us met up again, spent about 5 hours wrangling with the Constitution, then voted the DI, and our first board into being.

What’s it like to give birth to an organisation? Exhilarating. We have come together and made something beautiful, something I love and believe in, something worth all the time and effort and anxiety of the process. Is it over? No. So much if the work is just beginning. We have policies and procedures to write, new groups and resources to create, funding applications to submit, collaborations with other organisations to work on. But we now exist as an entity; a not-for-profit, national organisation. It’s a huge step for something that started several years ago as a frustrated conversation about the inadequacy of supports for people who experience dissociation. We are making a difference.

What is co-consciousness?

/ Sarah K Reece / 24 Comments

Co-consciousness is a term used to describe the experience of someone with multiplicity, where more than part is aware of what is going on. For someone with DID (formerly called multiple personality disorder), they have very high levels of dissociation both in identity and memory, which usually means that they are amnesiac whenever a different part is out. Amnesia can cause distressing experiences such as not being able to recall important personal information (name, date of birth, home address), years of your life, or daily struggles such as ‘coming to’ in an unfamiliar place and having no idea how you came to be there. Some people are really aware that they are losing time or memories like this, others are in a kind of confused fog where until someone asks them a question – where did you get those shoes? when’s the last time you ate? what did you get up to on Wednesday? – they’re actually unaware that they’re experiencing amnesia.

With classic DID, not only is the person experiencing amnesia, but they are confused by evidence left behind while other parts have been out. Obvious things may be clothes in the wardrobe that are unfamiliar and not to their taste, family members upset about arguments you don’t recall having, friends who think they know you by a different name etc. 

Co-consciousness describes switching without this amnesia, so that if one part is out going about their day, another part is aware of what is happening. Multiples with high levels of co-consciousness don’t tend to ‘lose time’ or have blackouts, they’re still aware of what is going on. This is mostly how I function, although under stress my levels of amnesia increase. Multiples who have high levels of amnesia often find that to be one of the most challenging and frightening aspects of the condition, and for most, gaining some degree of co-consciousness is an important part of therapy and recovery work. This process usually starts by working on building self awareness and mapping your system. 

There is a similar but slightly different called co-hosting or co-fronting, which you can read about here: What is co-fronting and blending?.

Co-consciousness can work practically in a few different ways. For some multiples, it’s like they are seeing and hearing everything that’s going on, even though they’re not the one moving the body. For others, it’s more like being told what happened, or watching a short video of memories. I used to be confused as a kid that so many of my own memories are in the third person rather than the first – that is, I see everything happening as if I’m up by the ceiling, looking down on everyone including me. I’ve since discovered that this is an easy way for me to tell when I’ve personally been out running the body and when I’ve just been watching – co-conscious. My own memories are in the first person, co-conscious memories are in the third. This is different for everyone though! I can really struggle sometimes with new friends or in new environments, especially if it wasn’t me who has met them before or been there before. People sometimes notice me pause as I’m asking inside for the information and if I’m lucky whichever part recognises the person or remembers the event will quickly fill me in, or switch out and take over. 

Co-consciousness is incredibly useful, but there are downsides. One of them for me is the mammoth amount of energy it takes for us to track all the different information and memories and hand them back and forth. It’s like I have a whole house full of filing cabinets in each room, and on a busy day I’m mentally running back and forth between them trying to make sure we can keep up and still function as one. The experience of co-consciousness can often confuse multiples who have only been exposed to the ideas of psychosis or DID and don’t feel they fit either box. It can also be distressing to be aware of what is happening but not in control of yourself any more. As a kid I had a number of experiences that frightened me so badly I became convinced I was being possessed by the devil. I often felt at war with myself, trying to stay out and in control, and when I’d switch we would look in the mirror and I would be terrified at this face that was mine and yet somehow clearly not me. Co-consciousness can make you feel both crowded and painfully alone at the same time. These kinds of experiences are called Schneiderian first-rank symptoms and were once thought to be highly diagnostic of schizophrenia. Now we’re discovering they are actually very common for people with dissociation instead.

The technical stuff aside, what does it feel like to be co-conscious? Well, that’s different for different people. In fact, different parts of my system experience that in their own way. Whoever is out is often aware if they’re running everything by themselves or if other parts are ‘close to the surface’ and aware of what is going on. Sometimes those surfacing parts might comment or advise about what they’re observing, sometimes they might be struggling to switch or being triggered to switch. For example, I gave a talk at a locked ward in a psychiatric hospital a little while ago, and it was going well. We got there on time, with the notes and presentation gear, there was quite a group waiting, and we had the right part out who had written and delivered the talk before. There was a slight hitch in that a sad, lonely song was playing over the radio. Music can be a powerful trigger for me, and a sad lonely part was called to the surface by the song and immediately switched and came out. We were panicking a bit because this part could not deliver the presentation, and they knew that and desperately didn’t want to be there. We kept still and quiet and finally the MC turned off the radio to introduce us. Once the music was gone, that part dived back inside and the right part came back out to deliver the talk. Phew! Being a multiple can be very complicated.

My friend Hope has a wonderful description of her take on co-consciousness over at her blog:

Imagine a Combi Van, grab a handful of people and put them in the van. One of those people will drive the van, one may sit next to them. The passenger may just watch where they are going of maybe give directions. They may even pull the steering wheel to try and get the driver to go where they want. The rest of the people are in the back of the van. depending on where they are sitting and if the can see out the windows they may or may not be aware of what is going on and where they are going. They may yell to the driver to go somewhere or slow down. Then right at the back of the van, you may have one or two fast asleep totally unaware of what is happening and where they are going… (click here to read her full article)

For me, my poetry often talks about wells inside, very deep, or an ocean where we are sometimes at the surface and sometimes in the deeps. Here’s a short extract of a poem that describes co-consciousness:

I feel her surfacing 
like a scream rising
like a knot of tears
in my throat – 
Fingernails into palms
I fight to stay
I can feel her so close.

I catch him
glancing at my eyes
perplexed
and I know he sees her
I know they’re her eyes now
but still my face, hands, body
still me if I can just drop my gaze.

In the car, on the drive home, alone
she steps into my skin
wears it a little differently 
adjusts the mirror, tucks
hair behind her ear
weeps alone in the night
as I fall, like a star, and fade out.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

Progress on the Dissociative Initiative!

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We had a fantastic meet up today!

To catch anyone up who isn’t aware of what the Dissociative Initiative is (for those of you who’ve just tuned in…) I’ve been working for the past couple of years with some colleagues in a small community group. We’re now in the process of incorporating into a not for profit, national organisation. You can read more about the DI here.

The agenda was getting everyone together to assess the draft of the constitution and work on it, to plan for the board and talk about what a board is, and what being on one involves. A lot of this process was about translating the incomprehensible language in which constitutions are written into something we could understand so that it was actually possible to have an opinion about it. So, here’s Draft 3, please feel welcome to read it and offer any feedback!

We plan to meet up again within the week to finalise the constitution and vote in the first board. I am so excited! We’re particularly looking at the following areas (for those who want to spare themselves reading the whole gibberish-y document):

Definitions:
2.15        “Dissociation” means a disconnection in areas of psychological functions which would normally be connected such as memory, time, senses which may or may not be distressing or disabling, but which impact on a person’s experience of the world.

2.16       “Multiplicity” means experiencing dissociative barriers between parts of self, occurring on a spectrum of degree, which may be experienced for example as voices, alters, lost time, a sense of being fractured or divided.

2.17       “Parts” may also be known as “alters”, have a separate sense of self and function independently within the one body, switching with or without amnesia.

2.18       “Voices” can be understood within the context of multiplicity as parts who speak to each other. Not all voices fit within the framework of multiplicity, some voices can be parts who also switch

2.19        “Peer Worker or Peer” means a person who, working collaboratively with a person who is experiencing mental illness, intentionally uses their own personal Lived Experience of mental illness to support rehabilitation and recovery goals; and or, a person who uses their Lived Experience in a formal role associated with policy development, research and or systemic advocacy.

Values:
Query the need to reword to include the 4 group values overtly (Safety, acceptance, respect, recovery) Recovery is included overtly, Safety can easily be added to 4.1.1 avoiding re-traumatising practices, acceptance to the 4.4 social inclusion aspect

Expand/clarify: 4.7 Diversity of the experience and meaning people ascribe to events and opportunities

Objects:
Query grammar for 6.6 To directly address the disadvantage and distress experienced by those who live with dissociation and/or multiplicity, and their effects on health and social inclusion.

Any thoughts you have will be very welcome, please contact me. 🙂 And watch this space!

The Party

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

Was an awesome celebration with some of my favourite people in the world. There were incredibly mad hats at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party in the afternoon.

There was an amazing spread of food:

Including cucumber sandwiches

And an incredible cake sculpted into the shape of a top hat:

That had three rainbow coloured layers inside!

That evening we had potatoes cooked on the fire

With homemade spiced hot chocolates

And when we were briefly rained on, I found my modest umbrella collection and we stuck it out until it fined up.
Our first year of a peer-led support group for people experiencing dissociation and/or multiplicity has not been without challenges. One of the biggest ones is that dissociation is a broad category and often new members are anxious and keen to feel they fit in. If they are the only guy there that week, or the oldest or youngest member there, or the only person struggling with a particular type of dissociation, or they feel they’re the most functioning member in a room full of mentally ill people, or the biggest wreck in a room full people who are miles ahead in recovery, it can be a challenge to help them feel comfortable enough to stay and engage. The mindset shift to that of being comfortable in a diverse group can take some time, and it’s not unless a newcomer is willing to attend and represent a minority of some kind that the next person with those characteristics who comes along will find somebody in the group like them. It takes a lot of courage to be the first!

It also takes a mental shift to embrace that a healthy group is supposed to be a safe place for you, where your needs count, but also a place you contribute to supporting other people’s needs and helping them feel safe too. Some people find that group approach isn’t helpful to them, not what they needed. Some find groups appealing but stressful for various reasons. Some people connect briefly, then drop off the radar, leaving us wondering if they’re okay, if there was something different they needed, if there was anything else we could do for them. Some come while its needed then go on to other things. Some stay on, become family, helping new members and building a strong group. The lack of pressure and open door policy mean members come and go as they need, can be as free or as close as is helpful for them and change their minds as often as they wish.

Some people opposed the idea of a peer led group for people who are considered to have ‘severe mental illness’. The idea that we may have something to offer each other, and that community is crucial to recovery, are fairly revolutionary even today. After a year of running Bridges, I feel very confident and excited that our trial has been a magnificent success. We have built on positive feedback, adapted to negative feedback and the group has grown and adapted organically with the members. We have learned a lot from each other, and perhaps most importantly, none of us are alone anymore. It was a lot to celebrate. 🙂

Bridges Birthday

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The Dissociation support group I co-facilitate and helped found has been running for a year now and today we are celebrating. During group we are planning a Mad Hatters Tea Party, with cake and chocolate and cucumber sandwiches. And some pretty incredible hats I might add! In the evening we’ll be having a campfire, I hope, if the weather holds. I’ve been cooking and preparing, I now have a type of rice pudding called arroz con leche made up:


Some lovely mini lemon meringue pies, starting with the pastry shell in my mini muffin tray:


Then filling with homemade lemon curd and piped meringue:


Then finishing in the oven until browned:


I also have ingredients for spiced hot chocolates, smores, and baked potatoes. I may have got a little carried away. 🙂 It’s nice to get carried away from time to time. Shame the kitchen’s trashed!

Using Sensory Supports

/ Sarah K Reece / 1 Comment

Some of us who struggle with chronic dissociation find that we can borrow ideas from those living with autism or sensory processing disorders. Certain types of stimulation of the senses can be grounding techniques that relax us and reduce stress. People with PTSD may also find that some of these approaches can help to reduce symptoms such as hypervigilence.One that I have used with great success is ‘white noise’ when I’m sleeping. I’m very sensitive to sounds and particularly when stressed I cannot tune out my environment. A neighbour a few houses down taking in their wheelie bin will wake me up, a dog barking, birds singing, traffic passing… White noise is any non-rhythmic sound, such as the sound of radio static. You can buy white noise generators such as this one, or create your own. I like to use a fan running by my bed. In summer it blows onto me and cools me down, in winter I point it to the wall and just use the noise to help me sleep. There are also a number of phone apps that generate white noise, rain sounds, or other soothing noises to aid sleep. Some of these such as the white noise one I’ve linked also have beautiful sounds that can aid meditation such as the sound of the wind, or a Tibetan singing bowl.

Smells are often helpful, particularly once they become associated with feeling safe and settled. I have a fairly extensive collection of perfumes, aromatherapy oils, essences, and bath gels. Having my home, clothes, bed, skin, or hair smell familiar and good is calming and comforting, particularly because the smell of strangers is one of the things that makes crowded places like public transport sometimes challenging for me. I have an acute sense of smell and find the scent of a whole bus of people’s perfume, cologne, shampoo, deodorant, and sweat a lot to cope with when I’m stressed. Having my own perfume or scent handy to drown the rest out can really help.

Fidgets are another common tool that can be helpful – that is, something tactile to play with in the hands. Some people find that having something to do with their hands helps them to think more clearly, to focus, or to calm when they’re stressed and dissociating. These can be anything, I know some people who play with sprung clothes pegs, others who keep tiny soft toys in pockets and bags. I used to carry a little purse with three pebbles in it, one smooth and two rough.

Weight in the form of blankets or jackets can be settling for some people. I don’t personally use this approach as I find that prolonged weight tends to just set off joint pain for me, and I tangle in bedclothes especially if I’m having nightmares. However I know other people who find weighted blankets incredibly settling when they’re distressed and dissociative. It’s important to be a little careful about this tool, you don’t want to use a blanket that is too heavy and restrictive, especially for someone young or sick. You can buy these or make your own, this page has instructions for a simple blanket, this page has instructions for a blanket that can have the weights easily adjusted. When you feel like you’re floating or fraying apart being contained under gentle weight can be very grounding and reassuring. Another way of using this technique is having a long full body hug, or a cuddle with a pet who sits on you. Some psychiatric assistance dogs are actually trained to sit on the chest of their owner if they start to have a panic attack, because the weight and warmth and connection can be very calming and reduce anxiety.

I find it sad that because we have these labels to which we’re all very sensitive, often wonderful resources get locked up in an area and so many other people who might benefit from them don’t hear about them. There is an amazing wealth of information, tools, resources, strategies, and ideas out there about how to live more comfortably, manage health challenges, adapt to limitations, and make the most of your abilities. Don’t ever be afraid to dig into something labelled entirely differently from what you are experiencing, you might find a brilliant idea that makes all the difference to your world. 🙂

For more resources around sensory supports: