Exciting New Blogging Device!

Jan 6, 2013 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

This is my very exciting, brand new portable keyboard! It connects with my smart phone using bluetooth, which means that when I use my BlogIt! app on Android, I’m able to blog and type on a decent size keyboard from my bed, or when travelling! I am very excited about it. I’ve been investigating different types of keyboards online and went into Officeworks earlier today to try a few out and see how they felt to type on. There’s a tricky trade off with a portable keyboard, you want it to be smaller than standard size, because that’s just a pain to lug around, but you also want to still be able to comfortably touch type on it, else what’s the point? You might as well just use your phone otherwise…

I tried a few out, there wasn’t much choice once the field was limited to wireless, bluetooth, and android compatible. This one was hands down the best option, It’s sturdy with an aluminium frame and firm case to protect the keys when travelling. The real big seller for me though is that all of the keys were in a standard keyboard location! I was really surprised by some of the compact keyboards which had bizarre ways of cramping the keys into a small space by doing things like rearranging the punctuation so that the ? is now found by pressing the Fn key and the H… this makes touch typing rather difficult!

This keyboard is partly my way of holding myself off on getting a new fancy, exciting, and entirely unnecessary tablet for the moment. I’m sure the lure of the larger screen will get to me in the end, but for now I’m saving my pennies for other exciting purchases! I am starting to really enjoy being on holidays now that I’ve got past the first couple of days of feeling restless and antsy and I’m looking forward to some travelling and sightseeing and investigating the world around me, once the heatwave passes.

In the meantime I have exciting new technology and am enjoying lugging card and board games with me everywhere to play with friends. It’s great to have a whole bunch of people in my life who like games too! I’m enjoying this vacation enormously. 🙂

Saving Christmas

Dec 24, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I’ve been sick, my girlfriend has been sick, the week has been challenging to say the least and I’ve been approaching Christmas with anxiety and gloom. We have both improved enough to get last minute shopping, gift wrapping, cleaning, and cooking done, a friend is looking after Zoe (who is getting the chance to bounce around a big jungly backyard with a huge dog friend and probably feels it is a pretty good Christmas) and there has been the addition of cherries, late night ocean swims, sleep-ins, and a break from the relentless cycles of physical pain and emotional distress. I’m so relieved. I’ve been to the carols service of a local queer-friendly church and remembered that joy is the thing I’ve been missing. I’ve been thrilled to catch up here and there with good friends. I’ve been taking some sleep meds to manage the nightmares and the early morning waking which is getting me through for now. I’ve stepped up the journaling and getting hugs from friendly people. Life feels worth living again.

Today was my family Christmas event, united by Skype we opened gifts, shouted at each other through iffy net connections, had a giggle, made and ate good food (most of my people are foodies like me) and dozed in armchairs. It was a good day. Tomorrow will be catching up with various friends and eating a lot of pavlova. I’m really hanging out for the Hobbit on boxing day. 🙂

I’ve had to draw on a lot of skills this week that have been a little rusty, around navigating dissociation, managing flashbacks, coping with unexpected switching and so on. My dissociation level has been very high, bouts where I feel very distant from everything and hazy. I’ve been having increasing difficulties over the past couple of months with phobias, and one of them is around needles/blood which has been very bad lately. I suppressed and avoided the distress during my girlfriend’s recent hospital stay which involved blood tests and a drip and what not, then found myself fighting vivid mental images and body memories everytime I drove home from hospital. There’s only so long you can hold that distress at bay. Sigh. On the other hand, there’s been some useful experiences to refresh my memory and I plan to write some new blog posts next year about managing these kinds of things. I am planning to invest in a small travel keyboard so I can blog on my phone from bed in the evenings. 🙂

Take care, all of you who are struggling over Christmas. It can hurt, can be a stick against which we measure our losses and disappointments, everything in our life that is not as we wish it were. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s okay to hurt and mourn. There’s also joy to be found, often in such small things. I went to the beach the other night and there was lightning and the moon was silver and the clouds were deep purple and the sky was vast and beautiful and shining white frost onto the black ocean. Two small boats were anchored by the shore and they danced in the water, the lights on their mast keeping the time of the ocean’s heartbeat, and soothing my own. I hope you find some joy of your own. xx

Shattered

Dec 21, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

There’s a deep, miserable despair when you’ve been pushing yourself hard, finally get some time off to sleep, and find yourself snatching only hours before nightmares shake you awake. A psychological ambush (just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water) places that should be safe (bed, sleep, your own mind) turn out to be full of monsters. It’s exhausting. Here in the night you remember that you’re wounded too, and without the day, without the structures of the day,the frameworks and suggestions and strategies that belong to the daylight world, there is instead poetry and terror.

There is no betrayal yet I feel betrayed. That rest does not await me, that I do not sleep the sound sleep of the innocent, that there is more to ask of me yet and more to endure. But this is the place where I go to the underworld, and mine is stuffed with nightmares and horrors. This is the price to pay for the daylight hours.

The breakfast of champions….

Dec 16, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Or rather, the lunch of people who’ve had dental work. My girlfriend suddenly needed to have an infected tooth removed this week so I’ve been putting my considerable experience of dental-pain-appropriate meals to good use! I once spent months on a mushy food and milk shakes diet while waiting to have 5 teeth removed (4 wisdom and a molar) and the post surgery situation was a nightmare of allergies and reactions so it was a very long time before I saw a steak again. Actually that was also the first time we realised that part of my allergic reaction to opiates is liver damage leading to psychosis. I have a very distinct memory of floating out of my body to drift around the room with each dose of digesic, becoming increasingly delusional and anxious that I might float through the window and be blown away by the storm…
So anyway, this is mashed spud with gravy and mushy peas. We’ve also had custard with peaches, yoghurt with strawberries, potato and leek soup, and tonight I’m roasting pumpkin. It’s been a very quiet weekend. 🙂

Secure Housing

Dec 10, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I’ve just signed a 10 year lease with Housing SA for my unit. The relief is overwhelming. I can’t see straight or feel my body. I’m about to go back to bed.

For the next 10 years, unless I really screw something up, I have a home. I also have permission to install a cat run, plant trees, and dig out my front lawn to put in a herb garden. I have made the difficult decision to rehome Zoe through the SA Dog Rescue people although she is still living with me until a new home is found. I’ve been putting a lot of thought into how to modify my situation to reduce stress for me. These are key changes – keeping the cat safe, contained, and away from birds, rehoming the dog somewhere really good, and digging my potted garden in and installing a watering system. I want my fruit trees growing in the ground where they’re easier to keep watered, my herb garden back up to standard, and a patch for veggies. I will have to give some consideration to the possum/veggie situation…

Next year I’ve signed on for three subjects in my visual art degree, keeping my options open. I will keep my ear to the ground about continuing with eating disorders work. Apart from that I will be working on the DI, developing my face painting business, and hopefully taking a day or half day a week to work on publishing booklets of my work. Also finish my online portfolio. That’s really very exciting. 🙂 In the meantime, I have a couple of weeks to get organised for Christmas, I plan to bake and make chocolate truffles of various types. My inner bakers and gift-buyers are patiently waiting their turns. 🙂 I’m also planning some time off in January because it’s been very busy over the last couple of months and I can feel myself wearing out. I want to go camping and get out in the bush again. My soul needs some stars over me, some wind on my skin.

This is my home, this is my home, this is my home now. I can start dreaming again.

Anxiety

Dec 9, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I have a rent inspection later today, not just any inspection but my end-of-the-first-probationary-year inspection and my anxiety levels have been sky high. My lawns are cut, my house is tidy, the clothes that have been living in my bath have been folded and put away, my floors are mopped. My backyard needs tidying from Zoe but there’s absolutely no point in doing that until about an hour before the inspection because she will un-tidy it again pretty quickly.

Since going through rounds of homelessness, even a small threat to my housing like this can send me sky high with anxiety. It will almost certainly be fine – but almost is not enough.

When my anxiety is high like this, I feel like I can’t swallow properly or catch my breath. I can’t bear anything touching my throat like a scarf or necklace. It’s very difficult to get or keep food down. I’m tired but can’t sleep, and as a result my fibro pain levels start to spike.

So I’ve had a pretty quiet weekend at home, distracting myself with movies and music, snatching moments of housework every time I feel up to it and crashing back to bed as I feel sick and overloaded again. It’s not a pretty system, but I have to say it’s worked well. My gorgeous girlfriend has kept me company and played rounds of Rummikub and made tempting sandwiches to eat. Sarsaparilla has managed to go a couple of days without maiming any birds, or at least, without bringing them in the house. Zoe tore up one of my couch cushions yesterday but has restrained herself today. My Mum mowed my lawns last week so they look halfway decent now. Impressive teamwork going on at my place!

Looking forward to Monday evening and being able to breathe again. In the meantime, to bed with a book.

Art from College

Nov 29, 2012Apr 13, 2016 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Critical Visual Thinking:

Hand made Art Book – Mourning the Unborn – development
My Artbook: Mourning the Unborn – completed
My first book in print – print edition
My artbooks have arrived! – first order for launch and exhibition

Sculpture 2:

Sculpture 1:

Wings of Ink
Sculpting the Sea – development
Sculpting the Sea – development 2
Sculpting the Sea – development 3
Sculpting the Sea – final
Ink painting – Seascape
Bamboo Cot – development
Bamboo Cot – development 2
Bamboo Cot – final

Photography Fundamentals:

Digital Media Fundamentals:

Printmaking Fundamentals:

Scattering Stars

Jewellery Fundamentals:

Rose petal pendant

Small Object Making:

Ceramic Fundamentals:

The Dreamer

Sculpture Fundamentals:

Hand
Skull
Head
Multiple Objects in Arrangement – development
Multiple Objects in Arrangement – final

Gloom

Nov 28, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

So I went out the other day to buy emergency groceries with my last $70 and this is what it bought me. Now that is damn depressing. (the chemist packet is anti-histamines. Unfortunately essential)

Feast Picnic

Nov 25, 2012Oct 7, 2014 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Yesterday was the last day of the Feast Festival, a two week queer arts and music event here in Adelaide. It wraps up with a huge picnic and then an after party. I went to picnic with a great group of friends and my girlfriend. We didn’t stay for the after party, by evening most of the crowd has been drinking steadily all day and gets restless. We set off once a few scurmishes involved the police.

It’s been an amazing fortnight, I attended Feast for the first time rather clandestinely last year, when I was not yet out as Bi to most of my networks. This time I’ve got along to dancing, music, theatre, and film events with my gorgeous girlfriend. It’s been an interesting experience to notice what it feels like to kiss in a public place and feel accepted. To hold hands and not be watching the crowd for danger signs. To be surrounded by the incredible diversity within the Queer community and feel like I’m on the inside for once. It’s been powerful to hear and be part of art and stories about being queer. It’s also been surreal, trekking along in the Pride march wondering why people are cheering for us, with us, at us. Buying cute/kitchy little rainbow bracelets to mark the event and remind myself I was here, try to remind myself what it feels like to be at home.

It makes me want desperately to find a way to create events like this in mental health. To make my little campfires for my groups huge events, full of pride, full of sorrow, full of respect for diversity, love. I want to make lonely straight kids feel this kind of acceptance too. I want to see comedy and theatre and films about madness, about the oddballs and the misfits.

I had a fantastic picnic, but when I got home, my head crashed. That’s not uncommon for me. All the triggered things surface and the lonely parts come out to howl the kind of pain I can’t bring out in the daylight without the men in white coats coming. So here in the small hours, there is blogging, there is the journal, my inks, my bath… there is a fresh Terry Pratchett book to read and a promise to my girlfriend that I’ll call her if things get bad. It’s sad. I’m lying in bed with a fan running, wrapped in my new beautiful rainbow sarong, with my little netbook. The screaming in my head has gone quiet, but I know it’s still there, cut off behind a door that’s now closed. My broken toe is a dull ache and my eyes are dust dry. The night is warm and still and silent. Makes me think of a line from Something Wicked This Way Comes;

Somewhere in him, a shadow turned mournfully over. You had to run with a night like this so the sadness could not hurt.

-Bradbury

Here’s to the nights you run.

Ch ch ch changes!

Nov 22, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

My life is doing one of those periods of massive change where horizons open so wide that everything pours into them like water down rapids and I feel like a snowflake in a blizzard. I’m adoring the work in eating disorders, as well as destabilized by it, making plans and remaking plans and making new plans after other things change… I’m excited and terrified and overjoyed and overwhelmed and…

…in other news I have a broken toe! My pinkie on my left foot came off worse when Zoe was racing about the backyard with excitement the other day as I went to feed her. 😦

This hurt a lot, but not as bad as my really bad fibro days which was a little sobering when I thought about it. I’ve upgraded from a hop to a hobble which is partly killing my right ankle because I’m carrying a lot of weight on it and leaning on it in a funny way. So walks are right out at the moment, as is the furniture shifting I was planning for this weekend. Grr! It’s been much better today although I’ve also noticed that often my whole foot is numb so I suspect I’m just dissociating the pain and I’m trying to be extra careful of not knocking or hurting it while I can’t feel it.
I’ve been giving more and more thought (prior to the toe incident) to how unsuitable my little yard and busy life are to a high energy puppy which is also hard to think about. Guilt and anxiety figure heavily into that process. I’m looking for answers. Love her to bits but can’t avoid the knowledge that this isn’t working very well at the moment.

Almost human

Nov 20, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I don’t handle the heat well at all (its 37 here in Adelaide today) and I’ve been in a fair amount of pain since facepainting on Saturday morning so I took this morning off and slept in, on the floor of my lounge room (kinda under my new dining table) next to my only air con which is one of those ones on wheels that you vent out a window. After 10 hours somewhat broken sleep my pain levels are finally down and I feel almost human again. I was a teary mess yesterday, which I hate. I’m feeling slightly more hopeful about being able to handle the hot weather in this little unit now!

I’m also changing how the facepainting will happen – I’ll set my phone to sound an alarm every hour and get up and walk about for a minute… and planning better ways of overcoming my poor memory for designs and faces… just got to tweak the system a bit so the pain and fatigue aren’t so bad…

But for now, off to concept development with my undernourished journal, sigh. Good thing there’s so much to look forward to over the new couple of months. 🙂

Plans!

Nov 15, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Next year is creeping up on me (don’t even think about mentioning Christmas) and I’m turning over in my mind what I want to do in it. I need a break, that much is clear. I’m thinking of taking January off, fixing up my car, and doing some travelling… It’s been forever since I’ve been out under the stars!

My Aceda contract wraps up at the end of this year, possibly a bit earlier depending on what happens with funding rounds etc. A job I’ve been keeping my ear to the ground about has just been advertised, it’s the women’s worker with Bfriend… an area very close to my heart! GLBTIQ supports are a passion of mine and I’d love to work in that field… on the other hand, working at Aceda, whilst WONDERFUL has pretty much put a complete stop to work on the DI, and that can’t go on.

On the other side of the coin, I have turned down about 5 face painting gigs since I started work at Aceda because I’m too short of time and energy to manage them… I love the facepainting. I have a gig this Saturday morning at the Christies Beach fair and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s fun and arty and I get to spend time with little kids and big kids and see fairs and hang out with some really cool people. It doesn’t wear me out the way mental health/community services work does, I still have some oomph left over to work on DI resources…

I have a website I was developing that ground to a halt, many requests for art prints I haven’t had time to fix up, requests to purchase original artwork I haven’t got back to yet… my arts practice has taken a bit of a back seat lately and I’m thinking it’s time to turn the tables.

Plus, there’s an awesome facepainting convention happening in Melbourne next year. And I have independent peer work gigs lined up for a couple of the big mental health conventions too. That’s going to be pretty hard to work in if my week is already packed with regular work and the art degree. I want some room to be able to attend interesting events and fit in extra work as it happens. I also want a less manic schedule, more time to chill with friends, have dinner parties, watch movies, go to the theatre…

My life has changed so much this year, it’s incredible. I’ve been very driven and working hard, I’m feeling it’s time for a change of pace, just for a little while. There’s some hard decisions to make, some challenging things (like the paperwork involved with being self-employed), some adjustments… but it’s so good to have options and choices. I want the space in my life to be able to drop things and make room for a sudden 3 week workshop on supporting trans people, or relationships with multiples, or sex after abuse, or… I want more weekends spent camping. I want to slow down and enjoy what I’ve got. I want to spend more time in my studio. I want to go on a trip around Australia and develop more DI resources for people with dissociation. I want a little more fun and a little less stress. Less tonsillitis would also be a bonus. At some point I want to take out 6 months and write a book.

Just thinking it all through. As a wise friend said to me recently, it doesn’t have to be a forever decision. I can try something out for 6 months or a year, see how it goes. Change my mind. Find a new opportunity…

But I went to the pride march recently with my face painted and got a massive response, heaps of people asking for a business card. It seems the queer community are perhaps short of facepainters? I hear my name being called… 🙂

Feast Begins!

Nov 11, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Here in South Australia, we have an annual GLBTIQ festival celebrating all things queer culture, and it’s just launched. I went for the first time ever last year, down to the hub on a quiet night. This year I walked in the Pride March wearing rainbow tear face paint, then danced and chatted and listened to music and roasted marshmallows on the fire and danced some more until getting home around 3am.

It was an incredible experience, I am buzzing and exhausted and desperate to tell you all about it once I’ve had some sleep… Which as I’m booked into see several shows this week will not be happening soon…

But I will, I promise! In the meantime, wow.

Just wow.

Balance

Nov 9, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Balance in life is important, as they say in mental health. One of the things in my life I find important to balance is working in mental health. After hours, days, and weeks of dealing with highly stressed and distressed people, being very engaged and diplomatic, and having to fit into the community sector, I feel a deep need to come home and listen to Nine Inch Nails, swear constantly, and shoot zombies on my computer. Fortunately, I am not alone in this, so about once a week I get together with someone else who needs a similar kind of balance in their life, and we bitch about our week and shoot everything that moves in Left for Dead 2. (except of course, the witches. Which the NPC’s shoot instead.)
I’ve never seen this kind of coping strategy in a pamphlet or heard about it at a workshop. It’s not as in as meditation, although maybe if I worded it better I could pass it off – ‘regular debriefing with rapid left right eye movement for reducing traumatic memory laydown, and peer support to facilitate future planning and goal accomplishment’…
But I think that would entirely undermine what actually works about it all. So here I am with Zoe, the bane of zombies everywhere (except for the ones that cluster in those stupid running sections where I am pretty much mincemeat on a platter. With mushrooms, mmmmm. I think perhaps I should not write blog posts before tea.)

A Rather Long Day

Nov 8, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Yesterday was one of those days that only starts to pick up a little once you realise it isn’t going to work at all and write it off completely. I spent most of it in bed with a major headache and a painfully sore throat. It came on the night before but an evening of nursing it and chilling in front of DVD’s didn’t do the trick. I seem to be prone to tonsillitis now some of mine have grown back. 😦

So I cancelled my day, even though I’d been really looking forward to everything booked in, started a big fight with a friend (which was smart, well timed, relevant, and helped out with my headache. Sigh) finally dragged myself out of bed around midday to sit at my computer crying and eating lollies, wearing a towel. This didn’t help much.

It’s a bit of a learning curve, working in the area of eating disorders. I’m pretty good these days with my own food/body issues, but they’re not completely behind me. Some days I feel like a fraud in my job. Particularly when the stress is getting to me and either I can’t eat or I’m eating constantly to cope with it.

So as the guilt/shame/self hate spiral kicked in with a vengeance I found someone kind to talk to, managed to eat breakfast, and finally had a shower and got dressed. I felt slightly more human and decided to head off to the sculpture studio where I feel at least slightly competent. I also have my project due on Monday, no extensions possible, and the lab isn’t open over the weekend so it was weighing on my mind.

The evening improved a bit from there. I bought extra chux and string on the way, found a free park, cried for a bit longer, limped into the studio, and set to work. I actually finished the project before we were asked to leave at 8.30pm, it was fun and good and I felt pleased with myself. The tutor was friendly and told those of us working late not to get nervous around him, that he has unconditional positive regard for all of us unless we start being mean to each other. He said that was essential for creativity. I said that was essential for life and worked on not crying again. I was also in a lot of pain because of all the bending to work on the bamboo cot, this project has been really hard for that. But it takes all the pressure off Friday and my weekend to have it done.

Then I came home and gamed for a couple of hours, shooting zombies with a friend. Mindless and fun, like taking a holiday from my head for a while. I feel kind of fuzzy around the edges but I’m out of the pit. Zoe contributed to the evening by chasing Sarsaparilla under the furniture and chewing my aerial cable into about 40 small pieces. I managed two meals yesterday and my brain doesn’t feel like someone has deep-fried it anymore. Maybe after another decent sleep things will be looking up.

Meet Sophie

Nov 6, 2012Sep 7, 2013 / Sarah K Reece / 1 Comment

Meeting my very special, newest and littlest friend Sophie for the first time. Isn’t she beautiful?! She’s the daughter of a good friend of mine and I was able to visit after work recently to meet her and cuddle for the first time. I used to work in childcare and adored it, but it’s been a long time now since I’ve held such a young baby and I wasn’t sure if I’d be too anxious to settle her or enjoy it. On the contrary, she fed and slept in my arms, and I settled into that deep quiet calm place inside myself. The perfect ending to a slightly frazzled day.

Salad In A Jar

Nov 3, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I’d heard of these all over the net and always wanted to try one. (some recipes ideas here) The other day I made this the night before and then took it to work. Yuuuum! Beware of two things however – watery tomatoes make for about 3x as much salad dressing the next day, and you can stuff a lot of salad into a little jar, don’t over-cater! I love having regular work. I love having a work fridge to put my food in, and a desk to eat at. I love feeling like I have a right to be there and use the utensils and not have to ask anyone’s permission or concentrate on not cringing around the ‘real’ staff. I love it. 🙂
You can make up to 5 of these on Sunday night and they will all stay fresh in your fridge until you need them each day. There’s a lot of different flavour options out there, the key is basically to keep the greens and other ingredients that start to spoil when exposed to dressing right up the top where they stay dry, and use the ingredients like cucumber and tomato that will kind of pickle and soak up all the flavour of the dressing for the bottom layer. If you like your dressing well mixed, blend it or put it in a food processor, that will keep the oil and acids blended for a long time. I don’t care and I hate doing dishes so I just pour my dressing ingredients in as is and shake it up a bit before I eat it. Start by pouring in the dressing then layer all the other ingredients in on top. Have fun!

New Haircut

Nov 2, 2012Aug 28, 2013 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Today at Bridges we talked about pedophilia and Avalanches film clips. I love this group. In the line of all things frivolous, I’ve had a new hair recently and didn’t get around to blogging it. So, this is what I currently look like: Loving the shaved patch over my right ear. Kind of a compromise between the ones who want to go to a close shave all over and those who like it longer. Got to love an asymmetrical haircut. Zoe approves, but then Zoe approves of everything I do except stay out late and forget to walk her. 🙂

The Blog

Nov 1, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

What the heck is going on?

I know, I know, after more than a year of faithfully blogging, I’ve suddenly become less reliable than an 80 year old bladder. It’s not just that I’m now madly busy, it’s also that I’m now busy in my previously ‘blog writing’ times of the day, canoodling with my girlfriend, or reading her Harry Potter, or taking her ginger-dead men to cheer her up after a rough day at work… (I really got into Halloween this year)

And suddenly I’ve found that a lot of things in my brain are either new Aceda related things that I have to think carefully about sharing as poor old Aceda has been in a political shit storm/shark pit lately and I’m aware that anything I write has implications that may go far beyond what I’ve intended… or they relate to being a new relationship, and I’m super concerned not to expose said girlfriend by exposing my own thoughts and feelings…

So I’ve been pretty quiet sorry! I’ve been thinking and talking about it all and I think I’ve resolved most of the issues apart from the ‘I need to find time to blog and still actually eat and sleep’ dilemma, so I’m hoping to be back here more often and sharing with you as I can. Thanks for your patience!

Bouquet

Oct 31, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

My lovely girlfriend bought these for me to brighten up my new office at Aceda. It worked! 🙂

La Catrina and Pirate Dog…

Oct 31, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

…go for a walk to buy lollies for kids. Happy Halloween everyone!

Life is good

Oct 24, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

The new job is incredible and I love it. I am totally smitten with my gorgeous girlfriend. Art is going fantastically well and I’ve had loads of great feedback from the exhibition that’s running to the end of this month. My pets are well, I have Pink’s new album, I’m finally over the sickness and playing catch up with everything I fell behind on, and there is chocolate cake in my fridge. Life is awesome and blogging, among other things, is getting a little patchy. You’ll just have to forgive me 😉

Multiplicity – Rapid switching

Oct 20, 2012Jul 13, 2016 / Sarah K Reece / 7 Comments

‘Cascade switching’ is a term I coined after watching someone with multiplicity do an incredibly rapid series of switches over the course of a conversation. I’ve experienced it only a few times myself and I really hate it. Multiples are very different from each other when it comes to things like switching. Some switch frequently, some very infrequently. For some multiples switching a few times in a week would be highly unusual. For others switching a few times an hour is quite normal. I lean more towards the latter. It’s quite normal (hah) for me to switch all through my day, even if one is mostly out over a week, others will tend to peek out here and there, even if it’s just a young one noticing the jar of cookies in the cupboard or being distracted by little kids running around on tv.

Cascade switching is something else. It’s switching so fast and so frequently that it feels and looks something like shuffling through a deck of cards face up, almost too quickly to register what’s on each card. I’ve noticed that it seems to have been triggered in the cases I’ve seen by huge news that impacts everyone in the system (eg news of a death in the family), by encountering a situation that no one in the system can handle, so the switching just speeds up and becomes chaotic, or, as in my case, by the start of a new relationship. I’ve also done this when I’ve been under threat in dangerous therapeutic relationships.

It’s deeply unsettling, I’m switching from one sentence to the next, or even part way through sentences. My ability to track information is overtaxed by the chaos, and breaks down. We can’t tell who is out anymore, what we were doing, who we are with, even what year it is. The dissociation becomes overwhelming and I feel like I’m drowning blind and can’t even tell what way to swim to get to air.

For some multiples this is a common occurance. Their systems are highly fluid, parts constantly changing, disappearing, new ones being formed. Their experience of life is so chaotic and dangerous that their system doesn’t settle into a stable pattern but stays in a state of turbulence. Stability hasn’t served them for survival so they gear towards flux instead. These people are often not diagnosed as multiples because the DSM concept of DID presumes stability.

I’m settling down finally which is great. It’s been a few weeks of cascade switching with the occasional stable day or evening around my girlfriend, but that’s settling more into my usual patterns of at least having someone out for an hour or so. Not to mention that’s making it a bit easier for her to work out what’s going on or have some capacity to predict how I’ll react to her. I’ve been trying to unpick what’s driving it for me and I’ve been able to pin down a few things. One is that most of my system are keen to meet her. Another is anxiety about forming a ‘one-part bond’. Most of my friendships used to be this kind of bond, a few still are – where the connection is only to one part and no one else in my system thinks of that person as a friend, or even recognises them. (this makes life awkward when you run into people unexpectedly, that blank confusion that always makes me feel broken and ashamed) This is not what I want, because we are all parts rather than entirely separate people, we are all missing information about our life, and also missing skill sets. We are vulnerable to bad dynamics and painful relationships when only one part is involved and making decisions. We make much better decisions as a team. For a really important relationship like a romance, it’s even more crucial that everyone in my system is aware, involved, and has a voice in what’s happening. That doesn’t mean that the kind of relationship is the same with all the parts, but that there is a relationship of some kind being developed. So I think anxiety about that has been pushing up the switching – whenever one part is out for a while and things are stable, the anxiety spikes and the switching amps up. The downside is that cascade switching is so stressful and confusing that it’s very difficult to navigate a relationship with someone in the grip of it.

Pacing seems to be helping me get out of it. The obsessive focus you feel in a new relationship is delicious – you want not just to be with them all the time, but to climb under their skin, into their mind, investigate and submerge yourself… But the dating, the meet and part and meet again cycle is helping me settle back into my own cycles. Making the effort to keep the same part around for an hour or the whole night – then making the effort to have another part who wants to connect or communicate be present next time, we’re slowing down and things are becoming clearer. Trying to find a middle ground between adapting to another person where switches are triggered by how they are and what they need, and the kind of switching we do alone where they are entirely generated by our own needs… that’s a huge challenge! I can do one or the other, but trying to meld something between is a complex ask. A whole new kind of dance.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

Trashing the house

Oct 20, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Because, clearly, that’s what you do when you’re feeling pushed for deadlines and rearranging your schedule to fit in new projects… Overhaul your filing system. Then invite around a whole bunch of friends for chocolate chip waffles and ginger beer and monty python skits.
I may not be getting a lot done but I sure am enjoying myself!

Major update!

Oct 17, 2012 / Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Still not well! I’ve had tonsillitis and a chest infection since Wednesday eve last week and I’m thoroughly annoyed about it! I get better for a few hours and think I’m getting over it, then go down again, then up again… having trouble shaking it all. So, sorry for the blog silence! Aside from illness, much has been happening. 🙂

I have another job! I’ve contracted to Aceda, a local mental health organisation with a particular focus on eating disorders, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive issues. I am tremendously excited about this, lying in bed at night with ideas for new recovery workshops, thoughts about possible groups, and cunning plans for re-organising the cutlery drawer in the work kitchen running through my brain… A whole new project to sink my teeth into! I’m in my element.

I’m also doing a major restructure of my schedule! My 2012 goal list has frankly been outstripped and overtaken. This has been the most incredible year, starting with a safe home of my own in January, and exploding into opportunities, friendships, and creative endeavours. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around how much my life has changed in such a short time. Finally work that I’ve been doing quietly in many different areas has all started to take off at once. It’s like standing in a fireworks factory that’s exploding. I adore it!

The challenge now is to prune what I can’t manage. This is heartbreakingly difficult. As a multiple, it is not in my nature to focus exclusively on one domain, however much I may wish to. It is essential for my mental health to be working on different goals and projects in different areas. Creating balance is a tremendous challenge! So, I am looking at all my goals and projects and setting aside those that don’t need my urgent attention. The self publishing project will be moved off to next year. Plans for the garden are being culled but not entirely discarded. I will not be working with my voice hearing group Sound Minds for this term, although I will keep up the campfire social nights. I will not be running the same-sex attracted young women’s group The Gap for this term either, although I plan to stop by whenever I can. I am maintaining two subjects in the art degree, and also maintaining the dissociation and/or multiplicity group Bridges. I will be adding in work at Aceda, and reorganising my housework and art homework days. I will be maintaining the volunteer work with Radio Adelaide, and shrink appointments. I will be adding in at least one evening a week spent down the beach with Zoe, standing with my feet in the water and the breeze blowing the stress out of my brain. I will be nailing down one night a week to be alone, allow any switches that need to happen, especially making time for young ones or unhappy ones, or time to make our own art (rather than art for the degree) or write. I will be making sure there’s time off; one gaming night a week with my sister, and space for socialising built in. I’m uncertain about maintaining or temporarily pruning back on facepainting, and about this blog. I’ll have to trial a few weeks of the new schedule and see how I’m keeping up and how everyone in my system is feeling.

I’m still dating my lovely girlfriend, which is wonderful, and not good for getting any sleep! It’s requiring higher levels of self control than I feel like possessing to hang up the phone at a reasonable time. We’re also reading Harry Potter to each other, taking turns with the chapters, which is pretty good stress reduction. 🙂

Stay tuned! Exciting things afoot. 🙂