Sculpting the Sea part 2

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My class, Sculpture 1, lasts a whole semester and encompasses 4 projects plus a journal. The first project I’ve been working on is making moulds and replicating small sculptures of my own. You can see the first part of this project here.

I’m adoring this class. I haven’t done any sculpture in years and I haven’t thought of myself as a sculptor, but this class is opening my mind to so many possibilities for smaller works made from affordable materials. It’s making me very happy, I will definitely be majoring in this subject through my studies.

Having made my tests and prototypes, the next step was to sculpt my final clay works, so here they are. Four beautiful waves and one little boat with goods and a tiny person wrapped in a hood and holding onto the boat.

While the clay is still wet, I’ve covered it with silicon to create five moulds:I’ve then created interlocking two part plaster shells for 4 of the moulds. The 5th mould is the small pair of waves and doesn’t need an outer shell. This part was nerve wracking because I wasn’t certain I was going to be able to separate the plaster shells into their two parts without destroying anything!The first plaster mould is a success! Perfect little waves duplicated:The two part shells worked perfectly. At last I can cut the clay originals out of the mould:Waiting until now to cut the silicon is very important. In my first trials I cut the silicon before creating the plaster shell. This meant that the plaster shell forced its way into the split silicon, and all future casts made with that mould would have a large fin of extra plaster that had pooled in the split area. In this case the plaster shell does the opposite, it forces the cut edges of the silicon mould together so that the cast is almost perfect.

The first big pour. Here are the moulds, turned upside down and rested on clay rings. They are bound together with split bicycle tubing which is slightly flexible but very strong and perfect for the task. And here they are at last: the first set of plaster casts. Gorgeous!And then there were more:I will keep pouring more for a few weeks until I have sufficient to create a miniature stormy ocean about 1.5 m square. Finishing the works is the next challenge. The plaster responds really well to being sanded:And then trialling a few different styles of painting them:

I particularly like how these black and green ones have turned out…

I’m on Radio

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Continuing with my Cert 3 in Media, I’ve been involved as a volunteer with Radio Adelaide for a little while now. Saturday I was working on a program called F Sharp, which is about women and music. Sue and myself do a show for this program here and there, and we like to work around particular themes. This Wednesday we’ll be live on air from 3 – 4pm, you can listen online or tune into 101.5FM.

I was up very early choosing the songs, digging out background information and writing the script for the show. This week the theme is about grief in music. It’s been very interesting to research, I found myself on funeral sites with song suggestions for the service, on sites for kids who’d lost parents to cancer where they were sharing songs that they connected with, and sites talking about music used to express grief in films. I’ve tried to be sensitive with the script, some listeners will be grieving themselves and I don’t want to upset anyone. I’ve also varied the tone of the songs, some are heavy, some are lighter, some are angry, some are hopeful, some are painful, some are beautiful. The type of grief is also broad, songs about death, relationship loss, songs about parents, partners, children, friends. Songs to express grief and songs to lift you out of it. I hope you tune in, I’m quite proud of it, even though rather exasperated at how much work it’s been on a stunning spring weekend!

I’m also taking on another role at Radio Adelaide, as online producer for Writers Radio. This means I’ll be editing and uploading interviews and reviews from the show onto the website and helping to keep the site up to date, easy to navigate, and connected to other online writing resources. I’m looking forward to getting started, the site is on wordpress, which I’m less familiar with than the blogger platform I use but it will be good to have a play and learn more about it. 

Art Supplies

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I had a particularly unhappy day recently, nothing went my way at all. I ended up trekking across town to buy art supplies to try and cheer myself up.

This collection is mostly not the flashy and exciting items, but the duller backbone items of arts practice: new brushes, inexpensive folders to safety store finished ink paintings in, a brush box to store my face painting brushes safely when travelling with them…

My big quest was actually about gold paint. In painting journals recently, I’ve been using my top quality artists acrylic paints and I was thinking that a cheaper craft paint would be more suited to the task. I went looking for a replacement folk art paint, only to discover the range is no longer stocked in Adelaide. In the end I bought a gold folk art paint from the Jo sonja range, and a pearl ex gold pigment. I then tested every gold paint type I own to see how they stand up. And what so you know, the good quality paint I’m already using has the colour and coverage of the lot. Ha!

My Awesome Phone

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A couple of months ago I signed up to a phone plan with a gorgeous new phone free of charge. It’s the Samsung Galaxy Nexus and I absolutely adore it. It’s a lot bigger than my old Ideos, a big awkward for fitting into your jeans pocket, and the larger screen drains the battery super fast. However, it’s so fast! So much easier to read email or write blog posts on, and can run all the apps my other phone choked on.

I now run four separate Google tasks widgets on my main screen, moving tasks between the lists as I wish. I am notified whenever library books are due etc. I also have a calendar widget as I use the Google calendar for my diary. I write poems on evernote when they come to me,

Early in the cold
I drag my bag of chittering, vexous, aching bones
Down to the sculpture studio
Like a leper to a sanctuary.

… write blog posts on the bus or in bed. I’ve just downloaded a few grocery shopping apps to test because I’m often ducking into the shops on the way home from work and I never have my list on me. Plus I’m an anxious shopper – I buy food for a three month siege when I’m feeling stressed, so being able to add the talley of my cart will be helpful in prevent those nasty surprises at the checkout.

The navigation app gets an extensive workout, as does Google maps. I can use public transport now I don’t have to read the timetables!

I have a very strong memory of my first night in a women’s shelter. I’m alone in the dark, locked in a strange room, lying on a plastic wrapped mattress, and I am terrified. I curl up on my side and talk to myself soothingly, clutching my mobile phone in both hands. It was my only lifeline back out to the rest of the world. Being in an environment like that: bars on my window, no escape route, no control, was a nightmare for someone with PTSD. I slept all night holding my phone.

My phone still means a lot to me. It is my access point to information, my voice to cry for help, my way to stay connected with far flung friends. It is a string I hold as I walk into the labyrinth, with it I risk things I would not otherwise have courage for. I take buses, walk at night, try new routes. It is my memory, reminding me I need cat food or the car oil needs checking. It is my way of recording so many special moments, documenting the mundane but incredibly precious moments of my life, Zoe chasing her toy, the blossoming trees in the street, a meal I’m proud to have cooked. It’s spoken as a given truth that technology divides us, distracts us, disconnects us. I love technology like my phone because for me it does the opposite. It frees me, connects me, empowers me. I remember the days of driving at night before mobiles, afraid of breaking down. I remember how hard you once had to work to find information. I remember what living with severe memory dissociation felt like before email reminders and phone ‘to do’ lists. I am very old fashioned in some ways, but tech like this I just adore.

Zoe In Trouble

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This is what I woke up to Wednesday morning:

2012-08-30 00.34.42

2012-08-30 00.34.06

 Zoe’s been in trouble lately for getting onto my desk to steal food or drink cuppas, snatching things off benches and chewing them to bits- including her new and expensive extendable leash. Partly the fault is mine for not walking her enough, she’s young and full of beans. With the extra walking I’m doing catching buses a few days a week, I’m struggling to come home and walk Zoe as well. The extendable leash was good for letting her run about more too, on a short leash she walks exactly the same amount I do, and she needs a little more! I’m also trying to get her more interested in fetch but by far her favourite past time is chewing. I sweep up an incredible quantity of chewed wood and leaves from the lounge room every couple of days.

So, after a while being locked in the laundry, I let Zoe back in this morning, kept a close eye on her, but the moment I ducked into the bathroom to brush my hair she tore into the armchair again!

Back in the laundry, and left in the backyard plus laundry area when I went out today. When I get home this evening she tears into the armchair a few minutes after being let into the house! Argh!

So, some new rules. She is left to roam the backyard and laundry when I’m not home or awake. She is allowed in the house when I’m there to watch her. I’ve put a mirror on my computer desk to let me easily keep an eye on the armchair while I’m working or gaming. And I’m going to get my bike up and running again so I can run some energy off her, and and buy another extendable leash as soon as I can. And no leaves or sticks in the house, only the few remaining chew toys she hasn’t destroyed.

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Outside gets all the sticks and leaves she wants, bones to chew on, a bed in the shed, another one in the laundry, and warm dog blankets. So hopefully it won’t be all bad from her perspective. I never throw her outside as a punishment, and I play fetch with her out there and eat breakfast out there when the weather is good so… She makes a horrific racket if she’s locked outside even for a few minutes, but for some reason having access to the laundry seems to drastically reduce that.

This evening I took her for a ride in the car and introduced her to the fun of sticking your head out the window. Then watched a show with her dozing in my lap. After spending the day furious with her it’s important for me to spend time reconnecting and enjoying her company. We’ll get there.

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Rain at Night

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Rain drops on my car windscreen catching the light. It’s a beautiful sight and has always enthralled me.

Not enough sleep, dreams full of struggling, waking and sinking back into them. Getting through the day with teeth gritted determination, one foot in front of the other, watching the room gently dissolve, casting around for anchors and grounding, stilling the agitation that rises, waiting for the darkness to pass, the veil will lift, it will lift again.

White Cat Art Journal

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Cat art journal 1
I’ve been busy painting a new blank art journal. The background is iridescent, which doesn’t show up in photos but looks pretty speccy.
Cat art journal 2
I’ve used crystal extra fine glitter for the beetle wings and left a blank white space on the spine.
Cat art journal 3
I’ve also signed and decorated the title page inside. I’m pretty pleased with how it all turned out. 🙂

Cat art journal 4

Logo for group The Gap

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Today I finally bunkered down in my studio for some non-art degree related art making. 🙂 One of my projects was this; to make the logo for one of the groups I co-facilitate. The group is called The Gap, and is for same-sex attracted women aged between 18 – 40. Hence the ‘gay rainbow’ represented in the tail feathers (traditionally using only 6 colours) for this bird of happiness. This work has been made with ink on archival paper, the bright colours are Chinese style ink paints which are beautiful and vibrant. The bird’s body is inspired by traditional henna designs.

Draft one of our postcard advertising the group can be viewed here.

Is Schizophrenia having ‘Multiple Personalities’?

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The short answer here is no. Multiple personalities (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID in the DSM) is classified as a type of dissociative disorder, while schizophrenia is a type of psychotic disorder. Very shorthand descriptions of these types of conditions are:

  • dissociation involves a disconnection of some kind, in this case between parts of identity
  • psychosis involves an addition of some kind – hallucinations, delusions etc.

From the perspective of the DSM they are entirely separate and distinct, with fundamentally different processes involved and treatments. There are certainly huge differences between many of the experiences.

Popular culture often mixes them up, which tends to enormously irritate people with either diagnosis. I have some degree of sympathy for the confusion however, because even the concept of what schizophrenia, or for that matter, multiple personalities, actually is changes quite regularly and I get that folks outside of psychiatry aren’t getting the memo and keeping up.

The longer answer is still no, with some qualifiers.

Schizophrenia roughly translates to split mind. This does not traditionally refer to the idea of split personalities, but instead to divided mental process or a split from reality. Schizophrenia is a fairly poorly defined cluster of symptoms that has changed significantly over the years and since the previous term ‘dementia praecox’. ‘Multiple personalities’ has also been understood in various different ways over the years – as an experience of spiritual possession, a subtype of schizophrenia where the person is in fact suffering from the delusion that they have other personalities, and so on.

Where things get really tricky, even with the current rigidly defined separation between these two conditions, is in the overlap of presentation or experience. And there are a lot of them. Firstly, Schneiderian First-Rank Symptoms, which were once thought to be extremely diagnostic of schizophrenia (and involve experiences such as thought insertion, thought withdrawal, and voices heard arguing) have been shown in some studies to be far more indicative of DID. What this means is that telling the two conditions apart on the basis of observing a person, or even learning what kinds of experiences they are having can be very difficult.

 

Secondly, psychosis and dissociation often seem to co-occur in my personal experience. Many people with a psychotic condition find that massive dissociation is part of the prodromal (or onset) phase, just prior to a major break. Some people with a dissociative condition, like myself, experience psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations. PTSD is an excellent example of this. Technically classified as an anxiety disorder, people diagnosed with it commonly experience both significant dissociative and psychotic symptoms.

Thirdly the whole area of voices, which I think is what really confuses things in popular culture. The DSM perspective is that voices are hallucinations, while alters are split off parts of personality. The fact that some people who have DID can hear their alters as voices blurs the two categories. Having some people experience their voices as stable personalities who perceive themselves as separate but alive, likewise. There is a considerable space here where people from both diagnostic categories meet. For more on this overlap, see Parts vs Voices. For a lovely description of working with voices as parts, see Creating a New Voice by Indigo Daya.

For some people, the diagnostic labels are very useful and important. It can be a great relief to have a name for distressing or confusing experiences, and I’m not in any way trying to take that away. These frameworks have their uses. But they also have limitations, and when you move beyond the boiled down Psych 101 spin, life is more complex than these discrete packages of symptoms can really capture.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

Multiplicity – parts getting stuck

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One of the topics that came up at Bridges today was parts getting stuck. Now, for some multiple systems, parts are fighting to be out, and sometimes that means that some parts are getting overpowered and stuck inside. This doesn’t just make them unhappy, they are often lonely and unsocialised, not having a voice or getting their needs met, and their unhappiness may well bleed through and cause troubles for the whole system through general distress such as not being able to sleep, nightmares, rashes, the sound of crying or screaming inside and so on.

Another kind of getting stuck can happen when someone comes out and can’t seem to go back inside again. In this case they may be quite overwhelmed and traumatised and not want to be out, or not be able to take on roles being required of them – perhaps they can’t drive, or lack the skills needed at work, or don’t eat. Rather like putting a stick in the spokes of a wheel, what was working gets locked up and stuck and things can get pretty tricky.

I’ve had to deal with both kinds of getting stuck at different times and I’ve learned a few keys to help get things moving again that work for me. The biggest issue for me is always working out what the problem actually is. Before we knew that we were multiple, we still picked a few things that helped with this sense of being stuck. One of them was changing environments – as that often triggers a switch for me. Thresholds of any kind – doorways and windows and the transition from concrete to sand to grass to earth, often have the capacity to draw out of me a different part to engage the new environment. When I am really stuck, I lose my capacity to initiate this change, I spiral down into a dark overwhelmed place where even if I can work out what I need I have lost the power to do it. This is where friends can be really helpful, to help me out of that place.

I can also often call out a different part by using other things that will likely trigger them, such as wearing ‘their’ clothes, putting their music on, going to their favourite places and so on. This was somewhat effective even before I had much information about who was who.

Now that I’ve done more system mapping, most of us can ask for another part by name to trigger them to come out. This is very useful but has the downside of making it difficult to talk about the parts by name without switching.

For me, some switches are automatic – for example in instances where I’ve been physically threatened, there is a particular part who will immediately turn up, without fail (to date). On the other hand, I’ve floundered badly in uni when I’ve ‘lost’ my researcher/study part and the rest of us have struggled terribly because writing essays are not in our skill sets . For us there’s a kind of dance that needs to keep moving for us to keep functioning, of appropriate switching so everyone in the system can be at their best, get their needs met, and use their strengths. We get stuck when this dance stops.

Another approach we’ve found useful to support very wounded parts is to allow them the right not to have to be out or have to try and function. They’re allowed to hide out inside where it’s safe, or to stay in bed. They need rest and peace.

As far as making sure unhappy buried parts get time out, I’ve a couple of approaches that help me. One is to fill my environment with things special to – and therefore triggering of – everyone. My home has to have things in it that represent or speak to every member of the system. Another is to keep a private system map that you check regularly. If you’re co-conscious or can track what you’ve been up to in some way, you can notice if someone hasn’t been around lately and make time for them.

For me, I’m getting much quicker at working out if getting stuck is the problem. Over the past week I’d noticed that although we were getting downtime and rest time overall there was a sense of chronic tension. We figured after a while that probably someone wasn’t getting out to get their needs met and made space for some switching to parts who haven’t been out in a while. That helped a lot.

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

Enjoying the storm

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The highlight of Thursday was going to the beach in the storm with some friends. I’ve been feeling a bit run down so I took the day off and didn’t get out of bed until I had some decent hours, if rather broken sleep, and the worst of the joint/muscle pain had eased off. I am loving the warmer weather, even this morning it was not as cold to curl up in bed, which is great from a joint pain perspective.

I ducked off to Tafe to get some more work done on my seascape moulds, then drove up to the beach. It was wild! Wild winds and high seas and foam flying over the pavement. We trekked to the end of the jetty and screamed and howled into the night. Cold stung our faces and our hands and feet went numb. Sea spray flew like darts and the waves heaved and crashed. I love weather that makes you pay attention to it. 

The shops and cafes were all closed up against the storm, we stood on the pavement in the rain and had to knock on a snack shop door to be let in. Inside the floor was a huge puddle and cheerful staff. We ordered a big bundle of hot chips and went to go huddle in the car to eat them. If I’d just got organised enough to bring a thermos of hot chocolate, the evening would have been complete. If I owned a drink thermos. Hmm, I’ll add that to my wishlist. 🙂 I need to go camping again.

 

Lived Experience Workforce

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On Wednesday I attended a Lived Experience Workforce morning, for Peer Workers to talk about their concerns with their role and problem solve ways to improve things. The Peer Worker role is not new to health, but very new to Mental Health, and certainly new as a paid position. There are many complicating factors for peer workers in their jobs such as unclear job descriptions, divisions between clinical and non-clinical staff, difficulty accessing useful training and so on. One of the biggest difficulties in my opinion is the multiple roles and relationships that most peer workers have to juggle. When I walked in to the room yesterday, within a small bunch (say 30 – 40) of peer workers, there were people who are or once were:

  • in a position of some kind of authority over me
  • colleagues and co-workers
  • friends I have known from outside mental health
  • ‘consumers’ in situations where I was also a ‘consumer’
  • ‘consumers’ in my programs (where I am staff)
Wrap your brain around that!
I see two essential tensions for the peer worker role: 
  1. Either it changes the way the mental health system functions, to be more inclusive, less hierarchical, more client-centred etc. or the mental health system changes the peer worker role to better fit with the existing system, thereby reducing most or all of the effectiveness of the role.
  2. While it is absolutely appropriate for peer workers to campaign and advocate for better working conditions, appropriate supports etc. to always recall that as marginalised, disrespected and ignored as we are at times, the ‘consumers’ who we are supposed to represent are even more so and our primary job is to help change that. As a friend of mine said – peer workers may be on the bottom rung of the ladder, but consumers aren’t even on it. If we get a taste of the possibilities of respect, credibility, worth, and dignity, and pursue it for ourselves at the cost of pursuing it for consumers we will become merely one more cog in the machine that grinds over the bones of the little people. Our fight for decent treatment and conditions for ourselves is hand in hand with our fight for decent treatment and conditions for consumers. 

It was an interesting kind of morning.

Sculpture Lounge

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This is the lounge area in my sculpture studio. I spent the best part of yesterday here. Much of the rest of the day was spent doing stressful things like accidentally catching an express bus to a long way from home, freaking out at a parking fine, having the mysterious intermittent electrical fault in my car play up again, and so on. Very drained, very in need of rest.

Studio Makeover

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I have spent Sunday shifting the furniture around in my studio, making chicken stock with leftover roast chook, and wishing I wasn’t getting up so early for sculpture class first thing on Monday.

I’ve been wanting to rearrange the studio for a while now, and yesterday was a day I could ignore all my other obligations and shut down at home to get it done. It took forever and involved totally destroying the room. Midway looked like this:

Which was deeply demoralising. But I persisted and sorted a number of scary boxes and got rid of centrelink letters from 2004 which I really don’t need to keep anymore (yay!) and other such junk. The finished result at midnight was this:

Which is about 8 boxes fewer, and the new arrangement makes the wardrobe properly accessible so I can put away my coats. I do lose a bit of table space by putting them against each other, but I can easily access both grey shelves and I have somewhere to store the big easel when it’s not in use now:

Looking forward to getting in there and making some more journals and ink paintings soon. Must stop doing heavy lifting stuff on Sundays, everything hurts!

Queer – loves books, rats

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It’s been a hell of a journey I’ve been on, clichéd as that word has become. Claiming my sexuality has been stressful, frightening, and wonderful. I was in the library the other day, looking up resources for the dreaded Concept Development project on food. Thinking laterally, I flick through books about sex looking for information about supposed aphrodisiacs or games involving food. I find a book called the Lesbian Karma Sutra and add it to my growing collection to borrow. One of my local libraries has recently extended their maximum book allowance to 40, as a result I had to buy extra green carry bags from them this day. I’m aware of a tension between the old rules – that a book like this was forbidden – and the new world – where I can publicly acknowledge my interest in the topic. There’s a sense of reclaiming territory that should have been mine all along, that should never have been fenced off.

Of course, the one book that refuses to scan at the self-service checkout is the Lesbian Karma Sutra. I put on my brave face and go up to the librarian and look her in the eye and ask her to scan it through for me. I refuse to be intimidated! I do however, walk to the desk with the older female librarian rather than the older male. Not that liberated yet!

I’m loving spending time with other queer people, especially women. I have gay male friends but very few female. It’s been wonderful to meet other people and flesh out what have been mostly media-informed stereotypes in my mind. My initial sense of being totally out of my depth and uncertain is making way for a new sense of confidence and enjoyment. I love the company of these women, and I treasure feeling accepted by them. I’m also becoming ever more passionate about making safe spaces for queer people.

That’s not to say there haven’t been some interesting experiences. One day recently, I had a huge stressful day at work, dashed home to change and dress up – trying to find that line between just enough to look good and fit in and not so much that it looks like I think I’m on a date or trying too hard… gawd it’s like being a teenager again, worried you’ve got lipstick on your teeth and playing nervously with your hair. I drive off to a group I’m meeting up with. I’m nervous and excited and hypersensitive and jumpy. Watching them watching me watching them… wondering if any of these new friends have read any of my blog and if so what they thought about the crazy new group member or if that’s a conversation yet to happen, wrestling with a bra, my nicest one, whose straps climb off my shoulders every few minutes, and slightly freezing as we’re meeting in a big, cold hall.

A new member turns up with a pet rat tucked in her jacket and I can’t resist – I love rats. I wait patiently for a cuddle of him, he’s big and placid and sweet. He also quietly pees all down my jacket front. So, having gone through the anxious process of trying to dress up but not dress up too much – to work out which part wants to attend (the same one as last time or take turns? – this affects which outfit gets chosen) and the ramifications of that choice, trying to be friendly without over-sharing and fit in without pretending to be anyone I’m (we’re) not… I’m now sitting on the floor with all the carefully made choices about how I present myself to a new group of queer/lesbian friends rather foiled by the fact that I am wearing rat piss perfume.

After some thought, I give back the rat reluctantly, strip off my jumper as if I’m not cold, surreptitiously pat my tee-shirt to check if it’s wet, decide I’ve got away with it and finish out the evening. And laugh half the way home. Life is surreal! 🙂

Healing

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Things have been going so well lately. Not perfect, (not manic), not without some confusion and struggle, but still; flying. Being ‘out’, especially as bi, is finally not just traumatic. It is liberating. I’m having positive dreams! Beautiful dreams, sad dreams, dreams of how things might have been for me growing up, if it had been safe to fall in love with women. Dreams that make my heart ache, make me cry when I wake up, curl back the curtain and cry in the golden light that spills onto my bed. Dreams of spring, blossoms on tree branches, light falling through orchards and curtains rippling in the cool air. Dreams that heal.

I’ve written before here about having ‘ugly days’, where my self perception is so destroyed I hate and loathe myself with an unbearable intensity.

I’ve been having ‘beautiful days’. Days I love what I see in the mirror, days where I dance, where my heart soars.

I feel like a little battery hen that has come at last to a world of green grass and blue sky and endless horizons.

It’s been a week since the psychosis workshop with Rufus May and my voice has been so quiet, but I can feel her, there’s no sense of absence or loss, I can feel her like a warmth in my chest, like a cat curled up tight around my heart. I am ecstatic.

I’m under no illusions, the work with this voice may not be done, there will be backsteps and bad days and times again of confusion and distress.

But, to make such a giant leap forward, after so many years of struggle… empowered really isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel. Perhaps hope is.

There’s been a lot of work happening over the past few weeks, so much thinking and remembering and making connections. Unpicking locks and following string into labyrinths. Coming to understand the things that trap me, the monsters that savage me, the ties that bind. Moving further into freedom and health. Feeling the sun on my face and the rain on my skin and being able to smell the cut grass in my yard. Washing off layers of secrets and shame like oil slicks. Feeling my system come alive, like a carousel turning with music and lights, that deep dreaming start up again, the wells flow with poems.

In the night

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Running in the park with Zoe, in the night, bare feet on wet grass and the smell of rain, the drains singing in the shadows and above me the trees raining eucalyptus perfume, this is what it is to be alive, this is what it is to be free.

Sarsaparilla Comes Home

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Since Zoe came to live with me Sarsaparilla has been spending more and more time away from home. I’ve finally hit a solution that is working. My bedroom window is left open just a tiny bit, with the screen off and a wedge in the window to stop it being opened any further. The door is always shut and Sars’ food and water dish are kept on the floor. It’s a Zoe-free space with easy access. Now he’s sleeping in there all the time and I get cuddles every night.

We did have one glitch with him proudly bringing home a dead bird to dismember on the bed. He’s now the proud owner of three lovely bells on his collar and that seems to have resolved that. He’s the most sweet and lovely cat. It’s wonderful to have all this company at home.

Gardening And Waffles

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This is a very busy week for me, and I am remembering why I try to have a couple of days off after gardening; I’m pretty stiff and sore! The lawn was starting to devour the garden furniture though, so there was nothing for it but to roll up the sleeves. Here’s what it looked like at the start:

Then we got in there with a lawnmower borrowed from a friend… It was like magic once we worked out how to start it (hint, use your dominant hand for the pull starter).

Friends came round to help and we collected some plants that another friend had been looking after for me. Thrilled to have such a decent sized garden to be starting here with! A big task now is digging up the lawn and planting all the plants so I’m not struggling to keep them all watered in pots over the summer.

We planted a number of roses round the edge as a thorny fence to protect my veggies 🙂

Then, there were waffles! First cheese and corn:

Then apple and cinnamon with whipped cream:

Totally worth every ache. Can’t wait to get a veggie patch planted!

My personal experience of Voice Hearing

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I came home from the Psychosis workshop by Rufus May the other day and recorded this clip about my experiences of the workshop and how it has changed my understanding of a voice that I hear. I’m hoping this will help people who don’t hear voices to better understand the experience, and give hope to those who do. I will be writing more about voice hearing, psychosis, and this workshop. 🙂

The Dissociative Initiative has Incorporated

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

We did it. A bunch of us met up again, spent about 5 hours wrangling with the Constitution, then voted the DI, and our first board into being.

What’s it like to give birth to an organisation? Exhilarating. We have come together and made something beautiful, something I love and believe in, something worth all the time and effort and anxiety of the process. Is it over? No. So much if the work is just beginning. We have policies and procedures to write, new groups and resources to create, funding applications to submit, collaborations with other organisations to work on. But we now exist as an entity; a not-for-profit, national organisation. It’s a huge step for something that started several years ago as a frustrated conversation about the inadequacy of supports for people who experience dissociation. We are making a difference.

Friday was very Big

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

I was at the Rufus May workshop, it was mind blowingly awesome. Fireworks went off in my brain all day and I am now utterly exhausted. It being Friday and the serious sleep shortage I’ve been running this week not much helping matters either. I’m so friggin excited about the workshop and developments in approaches to voice hearing and once I can remember where my head went when it fell off, I’ll tell you all about it. I’ve been meaning to do an ‘Introducing Psychosis’ talk at some point on here and now it’s coming together in my brain.

I got home this evening to find Zoe had climbed onto my study desk and carefully removed a single item from my pin board, a Blue envelope that must have caught her eye, before tearing it into small pieces. Shame it was a gift certificate for Eckersleys art shop! Now I’ll have to go find out how they feel about honouring gift certificates that have been torn into small bits, chewed lightly, drooled on, then sticky taped back together. While I was sorting that out, she tore a knob off the front of the oven and chewed it to bits. Argh!

Yesterday she chewed through the ethernet cable. Tonight I went off to Officeworks, which is dangerous as all out because I have a stationery thing going on and they always end lightening my purse more than I’d planned. I got a new cable on special, some clips to nail the cable to the skirting board, some duct tape to stick the rest of the cable to the floor, a new battery for my kitchen scales (feel super organised) and a free standing microphone for making better quality voice recordings on. Wow, does it ever work! And then I filled a script, bought milk, yogurt, custard, and bananas, because after a week like this I know I won’t be able to eat much, and then crashed out. Saturday is another DI meeting, hopefully to finalise the constitution. Wish us luck!

Sculpting The Sea

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

At Tafe I’m loving my sculpture class. This Semester we’re learning mould-making. We’ve been set the task of making a sculpture of small pieces that connect or interlock in some way. The originals are created from clay. I love clay. It’s a bit hard on my hands but there’s something magic about it, the transformation of base material to artwork. I’ve decided to make a small seascape, moulding waves and boats that can be fitted together. Here’s my first test mock up in clay:

This is the clay boat, the silicon mould, and the plaster boat made from it:


The wave shapes are more complex structures. I had to cut the clay original out of the mould:

Then make a two part interlocking plaster shell to hold the silicon in place when it’s filled with wet runny plaster:

Which all results in this plaster cast of a wave:

I’ve been buss-ing in every Monday for a 9am start, which is hard as I’m not getting to sleep until around 3am at the moment. I’m coping really well with the public transport though, that can be something I find stressful but I haven’t had any issues. My new super fast smart phone is awesome and makes using public transport so much easier. My car broke down for a few days recently and I kept all my appointments on trains and buses, very pleased with myself. So much easier when Google maps does all the route planning instantly! I’m loving all the extra walking too, it’s setting off a bit of tendinitis but nothing severe. Summer is going to make that hard so I’m making the most of the last of the cool weather where I’m able to be more active. The early mornings are surreal but manageable for now. I’ve a few extra ones coming up, like the Rufus May training, and that wipes me out. My schedule is pretty packed at the moment, I’m needing all the down time I can make in it. Worth it though. 🙂