Zoe Turns One!

I’m so excited! Rose and I took her to her first day of training and she did great! She loved playing with all the other dogs there. We’ve borrowed a longer lead and a front leading harness for her and she’s taken to them really well! I tried a face harness (the ‘gentle leader’ type) for her a while ago but she hated it and used to throw herself into a frantic frenzy trying to get it off her face. With the body harness, she’s been absolutely fine! I get her to sit, give her a treat, clip it on, and off she goes. Wow. This morning we did an entire walk around the block and park with NO PULLING on the lead!! Between weeks of training and the new harness, it’s like she’s a new dog. I am so thrilled. 🙂 She’s going so well.

Here she is in her bedroom, where she now sleep every night, with her favourite red toy and a kong:

I have also finally sorted out the kong! Instead of needing to find it every morning to stuff and freeze for that night, I have a variety of dog treats that I’ve frozen in spare ice cube trays and boxed in the freezer. These ice cubes are the perfect size to wedge into a standard kong! So I can slip a little meat or sausage into the base, and then wedge say a cube of yogurt, or tuna, or baked beans on top of it for her to lick. They are quick and easy and she loves them. 🙂
She has not destroyed anything in the house for a month, I can leave shoes on the floor now comfortably. She’s so much happier and more settled. With the exception of the occasional day where it all feels overwhelming, so am I.

Happy birthday Zoe 🙂

Zoe Settles

Well, it’s been a few weeks since the dog trainer visited and things are progressing stunningly well. There’s been some hiccoughs and the odd sleepless night but the overall situation is vastly improved. Zoe is a different dog now! Happier and more settled. She sleeps indoors every night, in the tiny hall space outside my bedroom door. She’s blocked from coming in my room by my indoor washing line which is collapsed down and wedged into the door way. On the other side, she can’t get into the lounge because of a wooden child fence. As long as the bathroom, toilet, and studio doors are shut, she’s penned into a little bed space where she can’t get into mischief but can see me. It’s working a treat, and the extra company through the night is calming her down amazingly.

I’m staying on top of the more interesting dog food too, i did another shop at my favorite local butcher today and came home with a box of food and treats. Here’s her collection of ‘raw soups’ being made up today to be frozen: These are a toy to be given outside when I’m going away for awhile such as to college classes. They give her something to chew and keep her entertained. Today’s are beef broth, with chicken necks, kibble, and corn kernels. She has to chew through the plastic and then lick away the ice to get to the yummy bits. She absolutely adores them.

She also gets quartered marrow bones to gnaw, and the Kong toy is regularly stuffed with treats. I’m getting the hang of that too, my freezer now always has a basin of Kong size treats such as tuna or baked beans frozen in ice cube trays, or little bite size bits of meat or banana. Her treat bag for clicker training is filled fresh every night from a container of finely chopped nibbles kept in the freezer. I currently alternate the type of treat to keep her interested. She has had tiny bits of fritz, and tiny bits of cheese. Today I fried some pork sausage on special and chopped that up super small for the treat bag too. I feel like a good pet owner finally. 🙂

I bought her another extra tough chew toy recently and she’s bonded with it and won’t sleep at night unless it’s in her bed with her…cute! Walking on the lead is progressing slowly but surely, as is the sit and watch, and she gets tucked into bed with a treat when guests visit until they’ve settled and that is hugely helping curb the manic jumping. She is coming to training this Saturday with Rose and I for the first time, I’m nervous and excited for her! We’ll also be gently introducing her to crate training soon, which opens the door to sleepovers and camping trips!… fingers crossed. The progress so far had been great, I wish I’d done this sooner! 🙂

Last night we went to the beach and practiced coming when called (not bad, unless there’s another dog around) and sit and watch in public. She ran herself silly while Rose and I walked to the jetty and then came home and slept for hours… how that warms my heart!

Basic training has started

That’s right! Despite feeling desperately fragile following gastro, Rose and I tore ourselves from bed early on Saturday morning and made it down to our first training class. It was enlightening and hopeful, paced very simply when it comes to homework- our first 2 weeks assignment is to get our dogs to sit and watch us. I think I would have found it all an information overload if I hasn’t been watching clips about clicker training and positive reinforcement over the past few weeks, but everytime I’m allowed to stop doing something I don’t like- like being told to ignore her when I first come home because it over excites her, and get to hug her instead, it’s heart warming. It’s not just about rote training an animal to sit or stay, it’s a completely different way of living and communicating with one… I wish I had started earlier. Thankfully Zoe has been resilient despite my bungling and is taking to the training extremely quickly.

It’s awesome that Rose is on board too, both of us using the same commands and approach will help Zoe a lot too. Today we took home a very exciting new piece of equipment:
This is Zoe’s new treat bag and clicker! Gave it a try tonight and I’m getting great results. The clicker really does help to make clear what behavior you’re rewarding. The treat bag is by far easier than carrying a snap lock or Tupperware container around. The difference in Zoe just in the past couple of weeks since the trainer is pretty amazing. She’s so much quieter around the house, less agitated, hasn’t chewed anything she’s not allowed to- I can leave shoes on the floor and hang washing outside! It’s an astonishing turn around.

There a lot yet to do, she’s madly over excited about visitors and cats, pulling on the lead is still a problem, and she’s mouthy when she’s playing which isn’t fun, but the change we’ve seen in such a short time is frankly remarkable. She’s getting more walks, I’ve found a local butcher who sells great dog meat and bones, and I’m running an extra freezer full of dog treats and raw frozen soups for her. She’s never left alone without a toy and a treat, and I’ve bought a new toy so I can rotate her three favorite ones. Fritz is working great as a high value treat, dry crackers working well for a low value treat. We’ve taking the pressure off the lead training and walks because I need some guidance to adjust the technique, it’s clear to me she doesn’t understand what I’m trying to teach her, and stopping all the time is simply reducing her opportunities for exercise. Next class we take her in with us and introduce her to the class, grounds, and trainers. In the meantime, she’s learning sit and watch, up, down, and drop, and doing very with them.

Zoe lives it up :)

I’ve been putting a lot of work into improving things for my puppy Zoe. The other day I visited a butcher and now my freezer is full of split marrow bones, chicken frames, meaty lamb bones, and little cubes of fritz for treats. She’s getting a 15 minute walk every day, and we’ve started serious ‘not pulling on the lead’ training, which is painfully slow but not stressful. It currently takes about 15 minutes to get to the end of the drive way and back as I have to stop and wait every time she pulls on the lead. We’re using a system of positive reinforcement, which I’m really happy with.

I’ve discovered that Zoe is not actually eating roughly a whole giant bag of food a fortnight – it turns out that by leaving food out for her I’ve actually been feeling a lot of the pigeon population locally! So the money I’m saving by feeding her indoors only twice a day I’m spending on treats and toys to keep her occupied when I’m not home. She has a new tough toy she loves to play fetch with, and I’ve been freezing beef broth in containers, with dog treats in it, for her to lick and chew through when I’m out during the day. I’m also giving her some calming mineral drops, and she has a half clam shell ‘pool’ to cool off in on hot days, and an extra lovely dog house to lie in.

She’s certainly improving with this set up. She’s quite happy to sleep on the lounge while I work when I’m home, and she’s not as manic when I get home if I’ve been out. I think we’re going in the right direction. Basic training starts in a week and I’m looking forward to it.

Plans with Zoe

My head hurts, the weather doesn’t agree with me. My lips have ulcerated, I’m chronically tired and prone to crying. Yesterday was really tough, I had an assignment due today, a really good but very overwhelming appointment with a dog trainer about Zoe, and I was pretty sick. Naps, cold showers, and crying on the floor were the order of the day. Zoe was quite lovely except for chewing through my garden hose so I now I can’t water my garden. Today I’m setting her up with a half clam shell ‘pool’ in the back yard to help her keep cool while I’m out. Fortunately there’s a bit of hose left just long enough for me to be able to put the pool in shade under a tree and fill it up. I’ve been unsuccessful in my attempts to rehome her, and the stress here has been steadily increasing so last week I decided to bite the bullet and put some serious effort into improving things. I hired a wonderful trainer Kellie from Holdfast Dog Centre to come to the house and help me get back into actual dog training (as opposed to ignoring, yelling, crying, and feeling really guilty, which is where I was at) and environment enrichment for Zoe.

I’ve also booked into basic training classes there at the end of this month, and Rose is on board to help even though she’s more of a cat person. I’ve been starting to think I’m more of a cat person myself, but I’ve got myself into this situation and now I need to make the best of it. I’ve been told to expect about another 6 months of difficult puppy/adolescent behaviour, and then she will settle and become a lot easier to handle. The training techniques are all positive reinforcement based which is a relief and Zoe is smart as a whip and taking to them really quickly. She’s been a world more settled in the past few days just because I’m not as stressed about her. I on the other hand, clearly need some more positive reinforcement myself…

I got stuck having to make a dash to the vet with her the other day when she tore open a wound on her face that had been healing well. It obviously reached that itchy stage and despite all my efforts to keep her distracted she clawed off the scab leaving a gaping sore on her cheek. It turned out that it was a deep abrasion rather than a cut, probably caused by poking her nose under the gate and getting excited about a cat walking past. So it didn’t need a stitch and I’ve been applying a local anaesthetic cream to it to try and stop her clawing it, which is somewhat successful. It’s healing quickly and only looks like a tiny scrape today. Unfortunately, the vet fee and medicine ate my grocery money for the fortnight, so things are tight again.

Rose and I were planning to go camping again this weekend but the really hot weather means we’ll probably have to postpone that. I’m tired and depressed and miserable and so deathly sick of waking up feeling this way. Everything exhausts me and it’s all an effort – eating, caring for Zoe, keeping up with housework, keeping the garden alive, classes, homework, staying in touch with people, the eternal list of essential admin like paying bills… I’m simmering in a stew of self loathing and frustration. There’s no work on the horizon, various promising ventures have fallen through, which is pretty common and I’m getting better at being friendly when people suggest work is coming my way that I know has about a 90% likelihood of never eventuating. I need to feel like less of a failure. Less guilty about being overwhelmed, less overwhelmed by my day to day life, less scared. I need things that make me feel competent and safe and hopeful. (I need people to stop talking to me about putting my dog down as if I haven’t thought of it, or as if it’s going to help with my depression) I need to feel less trapped, less judged and found wanting, less alone. I have such big dreams. Some days they make my fly. Some days, they drag me into the pit and break my heart. Some days life just hurts.

Chilling With Zoe

Once again, it’s horribly hot here. For those of you not in South Australia, we’ve been in a 30’s and 40’s heatwave lately. Friday was a doozy, most of the day it was between 40 and 44 degrees. Part of my physical health troubles are that I struggle to regulate my own body temperature, so I really do not cope well with heat. I started the day by throwing up dinner and spent most of it feeling very sorry for myself. I don’t have the best air conditioning in my unit, but I’ve been experimenting with a few different set ups and I’ve got a good spot going in front of my computer, and the bedroom isn’t too bad, at least during the 30’s.

So, in this weather I am generally found indoors, hanging out in front of my air conditioner with Zoe. In the evenings I hang out with friends or go to the beach and go swimming. It’s not such a hard life really. 🙂

Ch ch ch changes!

My life is doing one of those periods of massive change where horizons open so wide that everything pours into them like water down rapids and I feel like a snowflake in a blizzard. I’m adoring the work in eating disorders, as well as destabilized by it, making plans and remaking plans and making new plans after other things change… I’m excited and terrified and overjoyed and overwhelmed and…

 …in other news I  have a broken toe! My pinkie on my left foot came off worse when Zoe was racing about the backyard with excitement the other day as I went to feed her. 😦 

This hurt a lot, but not as bad as my really bad fibro days which was a little sobering when I thought about it. I’ve upgraded from a hop to a hobble which is partly killing my right ankle because I’m carrying a lot of weight on it and leaning on it in a funny way. So walks are right out at the moment, as is the furniture shifting I was planning for this weekend. Grr! It’s been much better today although I’ve also noticed that often my whole foot is numb so I suspect I’m just dissociating the pain and I’m trying to be extra careful of not knocking or hurting it while I can’t feel it. 
I’ve been giving more and more thought (prior to the toe incident) to how unsuitable my little yard and busy life are to a high energy puppy which is also hard to think about. Guilt and anxiety figure heavily into that process. I’m looking for answers. Love her to bits but can’t avoid the knowledge that this isn’t working very well at the moment.

Zoe is a ratbag

Boisterous puppy not getting enough exercise! She is too smart and too full of bounce, I am really going to have to work out more ways to keep her occupied and wear her out! Here she is pretending to be a parrot:

These were my nice black trousers before she pulled them off the line over night and chewed them up:

Sigh. It’s a good thing for her that she’s completely adorable! I’m car sharing with family who’s vehicle has kicked the bucket for the moment, so I wound up taking her for a fairly brisk 6.5km round trip yesterday to return library books, fill scripts, and buy milk. It didn’t even slightly slow her down that evening. I think I need to install a greyhound track in the backyard…

Sarsaparilla, on the other hand, is never taken for walks, has not chewed any of my clothes, furniture, or personal belongings, and is generally angelic:

Except for last night when he knocked over a huge glass of cordial by my bed, all over my phone and library books! Fortunately I leaped into action and everything survived unscathed, but that is not a good way to wake up at 6am! Gosh darn them, I don’t like it when they gang up on me like this!

Tuckered Out

Big day today, doing the live one hour radio program. I find the live work quite tiring, it requires a lot of concentration for someone inexperienced like myself. It went really well, but I’ve been wiped out all evening and haven’t managed dishes or other things on my goal list. Ah well, it was fun!

Zoe had a pretty good day too. She decided to tear her dog bed to bits:

… and the big winds blew her a huge present:

She’s adorable. 🙂

Zoe In Trouble

This is what I woke up to Wednesday morning:

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 Zoe’s been in trouble lately for getting onto my desk to steal food or drink cuppas, snatching things off benches and chewing them to bits- including her new and expensive extendable leash. Partly the fault is mine for not walking her enough, she’s young and full of beans. With the extra walking I’m doing catching buses a few days a week, I’m struggling to come home and walk Zoe as well. The extendable leash was good for letting her run about more too, on a short leash she walks exactly the same amount I do, and she needs a little more! I’m also trying to get her more interested in fetch but by far her favourite past time is chewing. I sweep up an incredible quantity of chewed wood and leaves from the lounge room every couple of days.

So, after a while being locked in the laundry, I let Zoe back in this morning, kept a close eye on her, but the moment I ducked into the bathroom to brush my hair she tore into the armchair again!

Back in the laundry, and left in the backyard plus laundry area when I went out today. When I get home this evening she tears into the armchair a few minutes after being let into the house! Argh!

So, some new rules. She is left to roam the backyard and laundry when I’m not home or awake. She is allowed in the house when I’m there to watch her. I’ve put a mirror on my computer desk to let me easily keep an eye on the armchair while I’m working or gaming. And I’m going to get my bike up and running again so I can run some energy off her, and and buy another extendable leash as soon as I can. And no leaves or sticks in the house, only the few remaining chew toys she hasn’t destroyed.

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Outside gets all the sticks and leaves she wants, bones to chew on, a bed in the shed, another one in the laundry, and warm dog blankets. So hopefully it won’t be all bad from her perspective. I never throw her outside as a punishment, and I play fetch with her out there and eat breakfast out there when the weather is good so… She makes a horrific racket if she’s locked outside even for a few minutes, but for some reason having access to the laundry seems to drastically reduce that.

This evening I took her for a ride in the car and introduced her to the fun of sticking your head out the window. Then watched a show with her dozing in my lap. After spending the day furious with her it’s important for me to spend time reconnecting and enjoying her company. We’ll get there.

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In the night

Running in the park with Zoe, in the night, bare feet on wet grass and the smell of rain, the drains singing in the shadows and above me the trees raining eucalyptus perfume, this is what it is to be alive, this is what it is to be free.

Sarsaparilla Comes Home

Since Zoe came to live with me Sarsaparilla has been spending more and more time away from home. I’ve finally hit a solution that is working. My bedroom window is left open just a tiny bit, with the screen off and a wedge in the window to stop it being opened any further. The door is always shut and Sars’ food and water dish are kept on the floor. It’s a Zoe-free space with easy access. Now he’s sleeping in there all the time and I get cuddles every night.

We did have one glitch with him proudly bringing home a dead bird to dismember on the bed. He’s now the proud owner of three lovely bells on his collar and that seems to have resolved that. He’s the most sweet and lovely cat. It’s wonderful to have all this company at home.

Friday was very Big

I was at the Rufus May workshop, it was mind blowingly awesome. Fireworks went off in my brain all day and I am now utterly exhausted. It being Friday and the serious sleep shortage I’ve been running this week not much helping matters either. I’m so friggin excited about the workshop and developments in approaches to voice hearing and once I can remember where my head went when it fell off, I’ll tell you all about it. I’ve been meaning to do an ‘Introducing Psychosis’ talk at some point on here and now it’s coming together in my brain.

I got home this evening to find Zoe had climbed onto my study desk and carefully removed a single item from my pin board, a Blue envelope that must have caught her eye, before tearing it into small pieces. Shame it was a gift certificate for Eckersleys art shop! Now I’ll have to go find out how they feel about honouring gift certificates that have been torn into small bits, chewed lightly, drooled on, then sticky taped back together. While I was sorting that out, she tore a knob off the front of the oven and chewed it to bits. Argh!

Yesterday she chewed through the ethernet cable. Tonight I went off to Officeworks, which is dangerous as all out because I have a stationery thing going on and they always end lightening my purse more than I’d planned. I got a new cable on special, some clips to nail the cable to the skirting board, some duct tape to stick the rest of the cable to the floor, a new battery for my kitchen scales (feel super organised) and a free standing microphone for making better quality voice recordings on. Wow, does it ever work! And then I filled a script, bought milk, yogurt, custard, and bananas, because after a week like this I know I won’t be able to eat much, and then crashed out. Saturday is another DI meeting, hopefully to finalise the constitution. Wish us luck!

Video update about Zoe!

Forgive the amateur quality, this is my first time playing about with new software on my home computer, so the audio quality could be a lot better for a start! I thought it would be fun to try something different to the usual blog post, and make you a video update about Zoe! There’s some gorgeous photos of her and a cute video at the end. I shot it on my awesome phone camera but forgot you’re supposed to always shoot video in landscape mode whoops! Too cute to trash it though. She’s adorable. 🙂

If the video isn’t working for you, you can go view it here on youtube. 🙂

Adapting to a puppy

The change from having an elderly, ill, blind dog Charlie, to having a young, energetic puppy Zoe, has been quite significant! Zoe chews everything. I mean everything. I came home the other day to find her standing on my coffee table in the middle of the room, trying to chew one of the legs off. So most of my belongings are suddenly being kept on benches, tables, or stuffed into my studio. I bought this shoe rack online the other day and now at last my shoes are safe and off my studio floor. On the plus side, she is basically toilet trained as long as she get outside. We haven’t yet mastered the ‘whining to get outside because the door is shut and she needs the toilet’ aspect. My rugs are in the backyard having rain wash puppy wee out of them, every few days I do a lap of the backyard to rescue whatever items (cutlery, makeup, handbag etc) she has snatched and hidden out there, and most evenings we curl up on the couch and watch tv together. I love tv on the internet, I don’t even have to tape stuff. 🙂 My garden needs some love and I’m itching to move some furniture around inside but it’s good to be making a start on creating a ‘puppy proof’ home. 

Zoe & Sarsaparilla


Both critters are going well. 🙂 They are even starting to get used to one another which is really exciting, as until recently I’ve had to divide time between them on some kind of strange pet share system. Last night I got home very late after an extraordinarily long day and was able to watch Dr Who with both of them curled up on my lap! Admittedly, Zoe went a bit odd and at several points tried to curl up to sleep on my shoulder like a very large excitable parrot, and then when she settled for sleeping on my right arm she’d pretend to accidentally roll over onto the cat, but he was feeling safe enough to give her a hiss and a swipe for the first time instead of bolting so I’m rather excited!

She’s almost due for her last shots and ready to go on walks 🙂 Hurrah! Toilet training is coming along really well and some commands like fetch, toilet, sit, and down, provided she’s not too manic to think straight. It’s been truly wonderful to come home from hard days or be dealing with difficult things and have warm furry bodies to cuddle or sleep by. I feel very blessed.

Zoe At The Beach

Zoe is settling in well. She’s working out the idea behind toilet training, is slowly getting the rules about not chasing cats, and getting as many cuddles as one puppy can manage. However, keeping an active puppy home all the time is hugely challenging and she is chewing everything she can fit into her mouth.

So the other day I took her to a quiet beach with no other dogs around. She was a bit anxious at first.

But it was a beautiful day.

A sea breeze was blowing foam from the water.

She isn’t a water baby at all, the waves freaked her right out. The foam was blowing in big piles onto the sand.

And that she thought was fantastic, she chased it up and down the beach, trying to eat it and getting foam on her nose.

That night she rewarded me by tearing madly around the house at 2am, leaping over furniture and colliding with things. I’m not making as much progress as I’d like on wearing her out! She’s not got the idea of sleeping through the night either, so she’s banished from my room at the moment, she can amuse herself until I’ve had some decent shut eye. It’s going well though, I’m very attached and loving the company, and she’s clearly very happy and feeling at home. 🙂

Zoe

When I left home yesterday, I decided to keep Zoe indoors while I was gone because she is only a puppy and does make a bit of  a fuss when I leave her. Don’t want to upset the neighbours any more than they already are. The downside is I’m not sure my furniture will still be one piece when I get home, plus toileting indoors. Sigh. Poor darling, she’s so keen and excited but she has a case of Kennel Cough she caught while in the pound. That means she’s contagious so I can’t take her for walks. She also isn’t due for her booster vacs until the end of the month so until then she’s also vulnerable to catching things like Parvo from other dogs. So, she’s been learning to fetch in the backyard instead. 

She is keenly chewing on everything including my couches, books, boxes, tables, paper, tissues, cardboard rolls, and anything else she can reach. 🙂 Training is continuing and she is doing very well with the exception of toilet training. The cold, wet weather has dissuaded her entirely from toileting outdoors. I am having an indoor puppy litter tray delivered, hopefully we can work this out in stages. She is such a sweetheart, she sits for her meals now immediately, she’s bringing a ball back nearly every time, she’s learning she’s not allowed to bother or bark at Sarsaparilla, pretty incredible work for a stray puppy who’s only been here for a week. 

Adventures with Zoe

Isn’t she gorgeous? Making choices over things like pet names can be a little complicated when you’re a multiple. There needs to be a consensus for it to work. I came up with a list of 16 possible names, and went from there. I’m 90% sure Zoe will stick. Zoe means life, which seems very appropriate, is short, feminine, beautiful, and the name of two characters I love. Zoe is a strong, loyal crew-member aboard Serenity in the film of that name and related series Firefly. Zoe is also the name of the little girl who narrates the story of Quidam, my very favourite Cirque du Soleil performance.

She is so bouncy and excitable, and very intelligent. She already knows she is not allowed on my bed, she sits on command to be fed, and is learning how to fetch. She’s not yet reliably house trained but I don’t anticipate that being an ongoing issue. She is full of beans and chews like a little four legged buzz saw! Finding dog chews and toys that are tough enough is proving to be more difficult than I expected!


She made pretty short work of these toys! I have a few new ones that are so far holding up a little better, touch wood.

The bad news is that it seems she contracted kennel cough while in the pound. She’s not desperately ill but the cough sounds pretty terrible. That means a trip to the vet tomorrow. Fortunately the RSPCA offered to pay for the vet/treatment costs if she came down with this due to being in their kennels. Hopefully all will be well.

I have a new dog :)

Sorry about the missing post yesterday, I had a busy day and was ill all evening. One of the busy things I did was go down to the RSPCA and buy a puppy!

I’ve been keeping an eye here and there on the dogs available locally on various online sites but no one had really stolen my heart. A couple of days I hopped on and this gorgeous little white and red dog was there. I thought she was absolutely beautiful. I slept on it overnight and then late the next day I phoned the RSPCA to see if she was still available. The first person I spoke to sounded irritated, couldn’t find the listing, told me she must have been adopted and was not particularly helpful. I hung up and cried. Then I decided that wasn’t good enough and I called back. This time I got someone a lot more helpful who loaded up the website I was looking at, worked out that there’d been some data input issues, and that the dog was in fact, still available. First thing Wednesday morning I was down at the shelter, meeting this bouncy sweet little 12 week old girl, torn up over all the other lovely dogs I couldn’t rescue, and trying to make it out of there without buying every dog toy in the place. My dishwasher savings have been demolished, but I have a dog at home again!

She is a lovely cross breed, Bull Terrier cross Red Heeler. Both breeds have loads of energy so I expect to have some difficulty keeping up with her until she grows up a bit. They are both extremely loyal and devoted however, and Bull Terriers in particular are my all time favourite dog. I grew up with a lovely Bull Terrier called Samantha, I think they are the most beautiful dog in the world. I will certainly also feel safer home alone or walking at night with her when she gets a bit bigger. 🙂 She doesn’t have a name yet, although I’m down to a short list now. 🙂

Saraparilla is not thrilled but as he is still getting pride of place on my bed it’s not all bad news. I haven’t had a puppy since I was very young, they are really not my preference, I’m quite happy with an older dog. However, with such independent, stubborn breeds like this it is an advantage to start training and socialising young. I am in for a lot of work though! She makes a dreadful racket when left home alone (she shouldn’t keep that up though, they’re not yappy breeds), is very full of beans, and chews everything. I have been madly puppy-proofing my house, which roughly translated means putting everything below 2 feet high into my studio. I bought her a ball, a kong toy, and a chew rope, but considering the short work she’s made of the ball and rope, I think I’m going to need some more toys! I think she’s buried the kong toy because it’s vanished for now. She’s not housetrained yet either. She was found as a stray and taken in to the shelter. No one claimed her so she’s been de sexed, vaccinated, and microchipped. She has a bump on her nose that is healing and needs to go back to the vet shortly to have her stitches removed. I’m thrilled and anxious and slightly overwhelmed and very happy all at once. 🙂

Pictures to warm you up

Still sick and miserable. Not taking any more painkillers now because I’ve hit all the warning signs of liver and kidney stress. The levels have reduced enough to make this manageable. My world is currently my bed, my armchair, the tv, and my very nice new phone which I’m terrified of dropping. I’ve signed onto a contract and hopefully will manage not to lose, drop, soak, or otherwise destroy my very fancy new phone before the two years are up! Today I had enough energy to shower and put some pears and cardamom on to stew in my rice cooker. As long as I keep heat and gentle pressure on my face, things are okay. Sarsaparilla is being smoochy and adorable – today I discovered that he loves to have his chest and tummy scratched. He’s never rolled over for a rub before, he really seems to be blossoming. I need to buy a cat tree for him however, as he’s taken to amusing himself by clawing up my nice rug and chewing all the plastic ends on my shoelaces. I have watched a lot of people running around on tv (still can’t focus well enough to read) and amused myself by taking photos with my phone. 

Charlie has a tree

I’m still very under the weather with my pain flair up. I have a physio appointment soon which usually helps so fingers crossed. I was able to get Charlie’s grave finished the other day when we had some lovely warm weather, so I’ve planted a small bay tree over the grave by my back fence, and put a big black candle out there. I plan to print out a couple of good photos of him and put them up somewhere in my unit too, that will be good. Miss him like crazy, the place is so quiet without him! 

 And here is my lovely new outdoor dining set which I’m very excited about and can’t wait to start using when the weather warms up. 🙂 Once this flair up settles down again I’ll be able to sit out there in the cool, drinking hot chocolate and admiring my trees. There’s often beautiful cloudscapes or a lovely moon over the back fence to contemplate, it’s such a beautiful spot.

I have been giving a lot of thought to getting another dog and it turns out a friend rather urgently needs a new home for hers, so the plan is to have a trial period and see how the dog adjusts. I’m very excited and very nervous about it too. I am doing more and more talks which means times away from home so I need a dog that doesn’t mind too much being dog-sat by friends here and there and doesn’t do anything silly like howl the neighbourhood awake. Hopefully this is a good match and I’ll have a little hairy critter thrilled to see me when I come again. 

RIP Charlie

Charlie died at 4.15 on Tuesday. The decision to put him down was incredibly difficult to make. It was very quick and very peaceful, I stayed with him the whole time. He wasn’t stressed or upset and was happy gobbling treats from my hand. An overdose of anaesthetic stopped his heart. I miss him terribly.

The last week we spent together was very precious to me. We spent a lot of time in the sunshine down at the local parks, going for walks, or snuggled on the couch watching movies. I knew at the outset that once I’d decided I could no longer leave him at home alone and needed to put him down that I wanted to spend a last week with him. I often waver on those kind of gut instincts, I feel pretty strongly about following through on things I’ve said I’ll do. I’m so glad I didn’t this time.

I wanted to get him groomed and cleaned before the end, it took quite a bit to find someone who could fit him in and checks back and forth with the vet about his health and making sure it wouldn’t stress him. In the end the lovely people at Doghouse Daycare bent over backwards to look after him and treat him gently. I stayed with him as he was washed and trimmed. This made it easier for me to keep him clean and dry over the last few days.

He was such a funny little chap. I got him when he was 3 years old, as his owners were moving overseas and couldn’t take him. I took him off to the vet worried about his eyesight because he was running into things – trees, walls, posts. They had a look into his eyes and did some tests and said they were working just fine. As they were telling me this, he tried to walk straight off the examination table! The conclusion was that he was just a bit daft.

He had a tendency to explore life with his face, stuffing his nose into everything. Because he’s a schnauzer cross, he has lovely long whiskers and eyebrows, which he would constantly fill up with prickles and burrs.

After a bath when his coat was long, he looked a bit like a sheep with a static charge. The first time I got him clipped they did a very short cut all over and I didn’t even recognise him afterwards! He has a very fine pointed terrier nose under all that fuzz!

It’s been a very disrupted relationship, with the chronic homelessness I’ve experienced I’ve had and lost him many times. I gave up on ever seeing him again last year and was surprised to suddenly have the opportunity to get him back last December, and then horrified at the terrible condition he (and Loki) were in. It’s been really strange and stressful. I love him to bits but the bond between us got jammed. Mostly I felt overwhelmed by guilt and stress and wished I’d been able to give him a better life. I’ve known for the last several months that I’m kind of numb about him but I didn’t know how to fix it. This last week was very precious because it finally clicked. I haven’t been handling him very much, between pain, arthritis, incontinence and infection I’ve been fairly hands off. I mean, I’d scratch his ears and give him baths, but he wasn’t allowed on the couch because I’d have to keep washing the cushions, as it was I’ve been doing a couple of loads of laundry a week, most of them old soiled towels. He didn’t get a lot of cuddles and I don’t spend much time on the floor because my joints hurt. This week I threw all that out of the window. He got wrapped in towels and cuddled on the couch for hours. He went everywhere I went in the car. I sat on the grass in the park and played with him. I discovered he could still ‘dance’ when you played with him, pushing him over to rub his tummy. The extra affection really made him happy. He’d lie on the lawn in the backyard in the sun, chewing a bone and radiating contentment. When he was anxious he wouldn’t just come and find me, he’d learn against my leg and beg to sit on my lap. When I gave him a cuddle he’d snuggle his face against mine. It was like the difference between a baby who snuggles into your arms and one with autism who lies stiff against your hold. He felt loved and he snuggled, and when he snuggled all my numbness disappeared and I finally felt bonded. Too brief! But I’m so glad it happened.

Somewhere in the mess and pain of the last few years I seemed to have turned off the attachment part of me to stop being overwhelmed. But that’s not how I want to live, it’s eerie and painful to feel like there’s a layer of thick glass between you and those you love. I’m glad I accidentally stumbled onto what I needed to connect, even though I now feel heartbroken at losing him, at having so little time with him. I’m also so grateful. I’m going to dig back through the books and information I have on attachment. I need this back.

I dug (with help) a grave for him in my backyard. We filled it with autumn leaves and then covered him with flowers and buried him. I’m going to plant my bay tree there.

I wish we’d had longer, more years in the sun. Less pain and confusion. His life was harder than it should have been, but it still had value. He was loved, he is missed. RIP xxx

A poem for Charlie

Hear my song of love,
little white dog
let me wrap you in a spell
where no time passes and
no sickness creeps
only you and I, and the grass and sky
the sunlight falling pearl-white upon your fur
silken-eared, faithful heart
wind in your face and your body next to mine
all of life yet to be lived and no rush to do it
that is my wish for us, little dog
that is the spell my heart would weave

But all things have their seasons and yours is done
long gone the boundless joys of youth
time to be free now, I’ll not hold you here in a world that’s darkening
no pain for you love, no long anguish
just the trust, the loving hand, the light on the grass.
Only peace for you, leave that broken body behind
come here, take up your place in my heart
never sick again,
never again alone or apart.

Hanging out with Charlie

Well, it’s been a strange couple of days. My head has kind of turned inside out and life has become very surreal. I take Charlie for walks but he struggles to walk in straight line and is desperate to circle clockwise instead. If I try to stop him, he just chokes himself tugging against the lead. We have this little system going where he circles around me as I change the lead from hand to hand. Crossing a road is rather interesting, and he now walks about 5 metres for every 1 metre forward. We make a bit of a sight. He still loves sniffing and piddling on all the shrubs so life is not entirely without its rewards.

I’ve also been taking him on car trips which used to be incredibly exciting but now not quite so much. When it’s warm enough to run the fan he still loves the air in his face. We can’t do too many walks so I’m trying to find other good things to do. The best I’ve come up with do far is being allowed up on the couch to watch a movie with me. So we are doing a lot of that.

I really wanted to take some off to spend with him and give him lots of attention, but its also feeding into some really confused thinking. I remember reading once about how suddenly bring treated extra nicely can be a warning sign someone’s having an affair, and it keeps going through my head. I feel like I’m betraying him, and deceiving him into the bargain. Like, be really worried if Sarah suddenly gives you lots of treats, she’s actually planning terrible things. Oh, and that my choices to do voluntary work I really believe in rather than paid work have actually all been selfish and if I hadn’t been so self indulgent I would have more money for treatment and wouldn’t have to kill my dog. Strange how your thinking mixes up under stress.

Still, I’m grateful for the time. He so deserves the love and attention, he’s such a sweet little chap. When I manage to surface from the overwhelming guilt (I’m a terrible pet owner, I’m missing classes, I’m letting my groups/co-workers/friends down, I should have got a real job, walked my dog more, spent more time at home, and so on) I’m actually enjoying spending time with him, lying on the grass in the park, curling up on the couch, watching him loll his tongue as the car fan blows into his face. It’s sweet. Love him to bits.