The Dissociation Inc Is Official!

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We’re registered as a legal entity now, all official and legit. The paperwork arrived in the post today, to much rejoicing!!

Next year some new plans and resources will start to be put into action with enthusiasm. In the meantime, we’re all learning a lot and working hard. Our two face to face groups are going really well and continue to grow and develop every month, providing support for some amazing people struggling with some really tough issues. Our online groups are also going great, our open group now has over 100 members! We are supporting more people with trans and diverse gender needs which is wonderful as that is another under-resourced high stigma area. We’re building bigger networks around Australia and some international too. Ticking along, ticking along. 🙂

Feast Picnic

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Yesterday was the last day of the Feast Festival, a two week queer arts and music event here in Adelaide. It wraps up with a huge picnic and then an after party. I went to picnic with a great group of friends and my girlfriend. We didn’t stay for the after party, by evening most of the crowd has been drinking steadily all day and gets restless. We set off once a few scurmishes involved the police.

It’s been an amazing fortnight, I attended Feast for the first time rather clandestinely last year, when I was not yet out as Bi to most of my networks. This time I’ve got along to dancing, music, theatre, and film events with my gorgeous girlfriend. It’s been an interesting experience to notice what it feels like to kiss in a public place and feel accepted. To hold hands and not be watching the crowd for danger signs. To be surrounded by the incredible diversity within the Queer community and feel like I’m on the inside for once. It’s been powerful to hear and be part of art and stories about being queer. It’s also been surreal, trekking along in the Pride march wondering why people are cheering for us, with us, at us. Buying cute/kitchy little rainbow bracelets to mark the event and remind myself I was here, try to remind myself what it feels like to be at home.

It makes me want desperately to find a way to create events like this in mental health. To make my little campfires for my groups huge events, full of pride, full of sorrow, full of respect for diversity, love. I want to make lonely straight kids feel this kind of acceptance too. I want to see comedy and theatre and films about madness, about the oddballs and the misfits.

I had a fantastic picnic, but when I got home, my head crashed. That’s not uncommon for me. All the triggered things surface and the lonely parts come out to howl the kind of pain I can’t bring out in the daylight without the men in white coats coming. So here in the small hours, there is blogging, there is the journal, my inks, my bath… there is a fresh Terry Pratchett book to read and a promise to my girlfriend that I’ll call her if things get bad. It’s sad. I’m lying in bed with a fan running, wrapped in my new beautiful rainbow sarong, with my little netbook. The screaming in my head has gone quiet, but I know it’s still there, cut off behind a door that’s now closed. My broken toe is a dull ache and my eyes are dust dry. The night is warm and still and silent. Makes me think of a line from Something Wicked This Way Comes;

Somewhere in him, a shadow turned mournfully over. You had to run with a night like this so the sadness could not hurt.

-Bradbury

Here’s to the nights you run.

Ch ch ch changes!

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My life is doing one of those periods of massive change where horizons open so wide that everything pours into them like water down rapids and I feel like a snowflake in a blizzard. I’m adoring the work in eating disorders, as well as destabilized by it, making plans and remaking plans and making new plans after other things change… I’m excited and terrified and overjoyed and overwhelmed and…

 …in other news I  have a broken toe! My pinkie on my left foot came off worse when Zoe was racing about the backyard with excitement the other day as I went to feed her. 😦 

This hurt a lot, but not as bad as my really bad fibro days which was a little sobering when I thought about it. I’ve upgraded from a hop to a hobble which is partly killing my right ankle because I’m carrying a lot of weight on it and leaning on it in a funny way. So walks are right out at the moment, as is the furniture shifting I was planning for this weekend. Grr! It’s been much better today although I’ve also noticed that often my whole foot is numb so I suspect I’m just dissociating the pain and I’m trying to be extra careful of not knocking or hurting it while I can’t feel it. 
I’ve been giving more and more thought (prior to the toe incident) to how unsuitable my little yard and busy life are to a high energy puppy which is also hard to think about. Guilt and anxiety figure heavily into that process. I’m looking for answers. Love her to bits but can’t avoid the knowledge that this isn’t working very well at the moment.

Almost human

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I don’t handle the heat well at all (its 37 here in Adelaide today) and I’ve been in a fair amount of pain since facepainting on Saturday morning so I took this morning off and slept in, on the floor of my lounge room (kinda under my new dining table) next to my only air con which is one of those ones on wheels that you vent out a window. After 10 hours somewhat broken sleep my pain levels are finally down and I feel almost human again. I was a teary mess yesterday, which I hate. I’m feeling slightly more hopeful about being able to handle the hot weather in this little unit now!

I’m also changing how the facepainting will happen – I’ll set my phone to sound an alarm every hour and get up and walk about for a minute… and planning better ways of overcoming my poor memory for designs and faces… just got to tweak the system a bit so the pain and fatigue aren’t so bad…

But for now, off to concept development with my undernourished journal, sigh. Good thing there’s so much to look forward to over the new couple of months. 🙂 

Dining Table!

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I have a stunning antique dining table! I unfortunately, no longer have a lounge room, but that’s a problem I’m working on. 😉 It’s absolutely beautiful and I adore it, belonged to parents of friends of mine. I need some chairs to go with it, and I’m paranoid about the possibility of Zoe gnawing on it, but just think of the wonderful dinner parties I’ll have now! 🙂 
Working in the area of Eating Disorders lately I’ve noticed that my food issues have taken a little bit of a dive under the extra pressure. Getting a dining table to serve myself meals and enjoy them is one of the things I’m doing to manage that. Whee hee! 🙂

Painting At Market

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This morning I painted kids for 4 hours straight at the Beach Rd Market, without a moment to blink much less eat, drink, or have a toilet break! It was my first outdoor gig using all my all my new equipment. I’m seriously greatful for the shade, plenty of people at the fair got a touch sunburned and I burn quickly!

My back hurts but I’m really proud of myself and pleased with my work. It was hard to turn the kids away, I often had a huge line up and at 1pm when I was supposed to be leaving I had about 10 or 15 waiting. They all got a quick design on their hand or arm instead. I got a lot of requests for rainbow fairies funnily enough, glad I’d made up a design the previous day when practicing on some friends! Hand designs were very popular too. A few kids were wriggly and I was rushed, a bit embarrassed about some of the work! But they all had a friendly, cheerful, chatty face painter and that’s very important. They were all listened to seriously about what they wanted, even if it meant inventing a design on the spot. (like a red Chinese style dragon mask) And I painted a LOT of kids. 🙂

Thank goodness I’ve got the white dots and stars down pat at least! Now, much resting!


Market Kit

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I’ve bought new supplies for face painting outdoors! I have a gig at a street market at Christies Beach on Saturday, and I needed a gazebo and chairs for it. So I decided to do the thing properly and buy a decent chair I could sit in for hours without major back strain, and lean forwards to paint without cutting into my legs, and a high backed stool for kids or adults, and a 2.4 x 2.4m gazebo that I can actually put up by myself if I have no helpful people around… 🙂


I am very excited about it all! I’m kitted out and ready to go, rain or shine. Add in my yellow trolley with all my face painting supplies and extra bottles of water and here’s the whole set packed and ready to go…
The world is my oyster! 🙂 I’m so excited about making more time to focus on art, I haven’t been in my studio for weeks, I have booklets waiting to be published, Art that needs scanning and printing, so much to do! So much to learn and explore and express and enjoy. I think this is a pretty good way to spend some of my first pay check. Poor old dishwasher fund will just have to wait!

Plans!

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Next year is creeping up on me (don’t even think about mentioning Christmas) and I’m turning over in my mind what I want to do in it. I need a break, that much is clear. I’m thinking of taking January off, fixing up my car, and doing some travelling… It’s been forever since I’ve been out under the stars!

My Aceda contract wraps up at the end of this year, possibly a bit earlier depending on what happens with funding rounds etc. A job I’ve been keeping my ear to the ground about has just been advertised, it’s the women’s worker with Bfriend… an area very close to my heart! GLBTIQ supports are a passion of mine and I’d love to work in that field… on the other hand, working at Aceda, whilst WONDERFUL has pretty much put a complete stop to work on the DI, and that can’t go on.

On the other side of the coin, I have turned down about 5 face painting gigs since I started work at Aceda because I’m too short of time and energy to manage them… I love the facepainting. I have a gig this Saturday morning at the Christies Beach fair and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s fun and arty and I get to spend time with little kids and big kids and see fairs and hang out with some really cool people. It doesn’t wear me out the way mental health/community services work does, I still have some oomph left over to work on DI resources…

I have a website I was developing that ground to a halt, many requests for art prints I haven’t had time to fix up, requests to purchase original artwork I haven’t got back to yet… my arts practice has taken a bit of a back seat lately and I’m thinking it’s time to turn the tables.

Plus, there’s an awesome facepainting convention happening in Melbourne next year. And I have independent peer work gigs lined up for a couple of the big mental health conventions too. That’s going to be pretty hard to work in if my week is already packed with regular work and the art degree. I want some room to be able to attend interesting events and fit in extra work as it happens. I also want a less manic schedule, more time to chill with friends, have dinner parties, watch movies, go to the theatre…

My life has changed so much this year, it’s incredible. I’ve been very driven and working hard, I’m feeling it’s time for a change of pace, just for a little while. There’s some hard decisions to make, some challenging things (like the paperwork involved with being self-employed), some adjustments… but it’s so good to have options and choices. I want the space in my life to be able to drop things and make room for a sudden 3 week workshop on supporting trans people, or relationships with multiples, or sex after abuse, or… I want more weekends spent camping. I want to slow down and enjoy what I’ve got. I want to spend more time in my studio. I want to go on a trip around Australia and develop more DI resources for people with dissociation. I want a little more fun and a little less stress. Less tonsillitis would also be a bonus. At some point I want to take out 6 months and write a book.

Just thinking it all through. As a wise friend said to me recently, it doesn’t have to be a forever decision. I can try something out for 6 months or a year, see how it goes. Change my mind. Find a new opportunity…

But I went to the pride march recently with my face painted and got a massive response, heaps of people asking for a business card. It seems the queer community are perhaps short of facepainters? I hear my name being called… 🙂

New Journals

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Finishing a journal is always a slightly fraught time. I need another journal like I need air, the anxiety spikes until I have one. Choosing one is difficult for a multiple. We generally all write in the same journal, except for when writing at the computer, or out and about on buses etc when we write in an Evernote app on the phone. This means each journal needs to be acceptable to everyone in the system, else some will refuse to write in it. Sometimes journals get abandoned part way through for this reason. A single journal just makes tracking down a particular bit of writing so much easier than looking through 15 journals that each cover many years. Most of my journals cover a few months to a year depending on their size. I have over 30 now, as I’ve been writing since 14.

This time we decided to buy a bunch at once. Maybe they wont have to be so exact if there’s a collection of other types waiting to be used next.

The next thing then is to find some more time to write in them. I keep adding new things into my life and I’m watching the overflow spill out. Poetry cannot become one of those things that spills.

Bamboo Cot stage 2

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Continuing work on my cot, I decided on impulse to bandage and plaster the entire structure. It was stunningly messy, rather time consuming, and painful as hell with all the bending down. I really liked the result though.
I decided to ignore the front wall of the cot. As part of the final display is going to be able light and shadows, the extra wall will just muddy the image. I like the starkness of standing directly in front of the empty cot. The limbs have warped as the bamboo was very fresh, lending a twisted Burtonesque feel to the piece.

Not able to run off to work straight after sculpture classes anymore… home for a shower!

Feast Begins!

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Here in South Australia, we have an annual GLBTIQ festival celebrating all things queer culture, and it’s just launched. I went for the first time ever last year, down to the hub on a quiet night. This year I walked in the Pride March wearing rainbow tear face paint, then danced and chatted and listened to music and roasted marshmallows on the fire and danced some more until getting home around 3am.

It was an incredible experience, I am buzzing and exhausted and desperate to tell you all about it once I’ve had some sleep… Which as I’m booked into see several shows this week will not be happening soon…

But I will, I promise! In the meantime, wow.

Just wow.

The Harmonic Project

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I went to an amazing concert the other day, something quite unlike anything else I’ve experienced.Picture yourself on a cushion on the floor of a big lovely church hall. Above you is a high roof with exposed beams, in front of you is a stage festooned with unusual instruments, candles, and fragrant roses…
The music was so beautiful and gentle, my girlfriend and I just lay down with everyone else around us, I held her hand and let it wash over me. I drifted in and out of sleep, I could feel the warmth of bodies all around me, hippy types resting peacefully, everyone breathing gently together, no fear, even the smell of strangers not jangling, only peace, only peace.
I don’t often know peace in church. (I’ve certainly never kissed a woman in one before.)
It was a special kind of night. The music was ambient ‘world’, made from many instruments with a history of being used in holy ceremonies. It was all improvised and rhythmic, like rain falling and softening and falling again, like breathing or the beating of a great, slow, gentle heart. 
They describe their work as Sound Meditation and I certainly found it to be that. The concert was launching their new CD, which I very much recommend, I’ve given my copy to my friend with the new baby as I think they need it more than I do at the moment. 🙂
If you’d like to know more, have a look atThe Harmonic ProjectHeather Frahn (she has a show coming up at the Feast Festival here in SA)Or listen to:Cosmic Tone Drum

Balance

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Balance in life is important, as they say in mental health. One of the things in my life I find important to balance is working in mental health. After hours, days, and weeks of dealing with highly stressed and distressed people, being very engaged and diplomatic, and having to fit into the community sector, I feel a deep need to come home and listen to Nine Inch Nails, swear constantly, and shoot zombies on my computer. Fortunately, I am not alone in this, so about once a week I get together with someone else who needs a similar kind of balance in their life, and we bitch about our week and shoot everything that moves in Left for Dead 2. (except of course, the witches. Which the NPC’s shoot instead.)
I’ve never seen this kind of coping strategy in a pamphlet or heard about it at a workshop. It’s not as in as meditation, although maybe if I worded it better I could pass it off – ‘regular debriefing with rapid left right eye movement for reducing traumatic memory laydown, and peer support to facilitate future planning and goal accomplishment’… 
But I think that would entirely undermine what actually works about it all. So here I am with Zoe, the bane of zombies everywhere (except for the ones that cluster in those stupid running sections where I am pretty much mincemeat on a platter. With mushrooms, mmmmm. I think perhaps I should not write blog posts before tea.)

A Rather Long Day

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Yesterday was one of those days that only starts to pick up a little once you realise it isn’t going to work at all and write it off completely. I spent most of it in bed with a major headache and a painfully sore throat. It came on the night before but an evening of nursing it and chilling in front of DVD’s didn’t do the trick. I seem to be prone to tonsillitis now some of mine have grown back. 😦

So I cancelled my day, even though I’d been really looking forward to everything booked in, started a big fight with a friend (which was smart, well timed, relevant, and helped out with my headache. Sigh) finally dragged myself out of bed around midday to sit at my computer crying and eating lollies, wearing a towel. This didn’t help much. 
It’s a bit of a learning curve, working in the area of eating disorders. I’m pretty good these days with my own food/body issues, but they’re not completely behind me. Some days I feel like a fraud in my job. Particularly when the stress is getting to me and either I can’t eat or I’m eating constantly to cope with it. 
So as the guilt/shame/self hate spiral kicked in with a vengeance I found someone kind to talk to, managed to eat breakfast, and finally had a shower and got dressed. I felt slightly more human and decided to head off to the sculpture studio where I feel at least slightly competent. I also have my project due on Monday, no extensions possible, and the lab isn’t open over the weekend so it was weighing on my mind. 
The evening improved a bit from there. I bought extra chux and string on the way, found a free park, cried for a bit longer, limped into the studio, and set to work. I actually finished the project before we were asked to leave at 8.30pm, it was fun and good and I felt pleased with myself. The tutor was friendly and told those of us working late not to get nervous around him, that he has unconditional positive regard for all of us unless we start being mean to each other. He said that was essential for creativity. I said that was essential for life and worked on not crying again. I was also in a lot of pain because of all the bending to work on the bamboo cot, this project has been really hard for that. But it takes all the pressure off Friday and my weekend to have it done. 
Then I came home and gamed for a couple of hours, shooting zombies with a friend. Mindless and fun, like taking a holiday from my head for a while. I feel kind of fuzzy around the edges but I’m out of the pit. Zoe contributed to the evening by chasing Sarsaparilla under the furniture and chewing my aerial cable into about 40 small pieces. I managed two meals yesterday and my brain doesn’t feel like someone has deep-fried it anymore. Maybe after another decent sleep things will be looking up. 

New Group Blue Skies

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I’m starting a new group with Aceda, with co-facilitator Ellie! It will run weekly on Wednesday evenings for the next few weeks while we wait to hear about ongoing funding with Aceda. There’s a lovely flyer below, which you can download or print from here. If you have food or body images issues and you’d like some support, please contact me on (08) 8297 4011, or sarah@aceda.org.au

I’m very excited about it, there’s been a lot of requests for a new group to start and I’m glad we’ve been able to get something up and running so quickly. 🙂 Sing out if you’d like to be on the mailing list for ED resources too.

Meet Sophie

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Meeting my very special, newest and littlest friend Sophie for the first time. Isn’t she beautiful?! She’s the daughter of a good friend of mine and I was able to visit after work recently to meet her and cuddle for the first time. I used to work in childcare and adored it, but it’s been a long time now since I’ve held such a young baby and I wasn’t sure if I’d be too anxious to settle her or enjoy it. On the contrary, she fed and slept in my arms, and I settled into that deep quiet calm place inside myself. The perfect ending to a slightly frazzled day.

Party

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I hosted a party the other night at my place. This was the dessert I made – perfect for multiples. It has a kid angle – the immersed freddo frog, and an adult angle – the middle green layer is heavily laced with midori. 🙂 The cream was whipped and flavoured with sugar and vanilla, and the whole thing went down very smoothly. For the alcoholic jelly this is what I did:
200ml boiling water1 packet lime green jelly mix250ml (1 cup) of midori, refrigerated
Mix the boiling water and jelly until all the crystals have dissolved. Allow to cool on the bench until you can touch it comfortably.Stir in the chilled midori (You chill it to prevent the hot water evaporating out the alcohol)Refrigerate until setEat.
Enjoy!

Bamboo sculpture project

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In Sculpture class a couple of weeks ago, we came in to find this:Our latest project is to turn the pile of bamboo, and any other sticks or twigs we want to scrummage, into a bare sculpture, something like ‘sketching in 3-D’ with lots of raw lines. We have to recreate a life size piece of domestic furniture. I stripped a length of bamboo and got to work:
My furniture item was going to be a bed until the tutor said ‘life sized’, then I down graded it to a bassinet, until he said ‘reasonably large’, so I’m making a cot. It’s a standard size cot with one removable wall, just the frame so far:
When they’re finished in a couple of weeks, we’ll be setting them up in an empty theatre and creating a light show with them. I’m excited about it!

Salad In A Jar

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I’d heard of these all over the net and always wanted to try one. (some recipes ideas here) The other day I made this the night before and then took it to work. Yuuuum! Beware of two things however – watery tomatoes make for about 3x as much salad dressing the next day, and you can stuff a lot of salad into a little jar, don’t over-cater! I love having regular work. I love having a work fridge to put my food in, and a desk to eat at. I love feeling like I have a right to be there and use the utensils and not have to ask anyone’s permission or concentrate on not cringing around the ‘real’ staff. I love it. 🙂
You can make up to 5 of these on Sunday night and they will all stay fresh in your fridge until you need them each day. There’s a lot of different flavour options out there, the key is basically to keep the greens and other ingredients that start to spoil when exposed to dressing right up the top where they stay dry, and use the ingredients like cucumber and tomato that will kind of pickle and soak up all the flavour of the dressing for the bottom layer. If you like your dressing well mixed, blend it or put it in a food processor, that will keep the oil and acids blended for a long time. I don’t care and I hate doing dishes so I just pour my dressing ingredients in as is and shake it up a bit before I eat it. Start by pouring in the dressing then layer all the other ingredients in on top. Have fun!

New Haircut

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Today at Bridges we talked about pedophilia and Avalanches film clips. I love this group. In the line of all things frivolous, I’ve had a new hair recently and didn’t get around to blogging it. So, this is what I currently look like: Loving the shaved patch over my right ear. Kind of a compromise between the ones who want to go to a close shave all over and those who like it longer. Got to love an asymmetrical haircut. Zoe approves, but then Zoe approves of everything I do except stay out late and forget to walk her. 🙂

The Blog

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What the heck is going on?

I know, I know, after more than a year of faithfully blogging, I’ve suddenly become less reliable than an 80 year old bladder. It’s not just that I’m now madly busy, it’s also that I’m now busy in my previously ‘blog writing’ times of the day, canoodling with my girlfriend, or reading her Harry Potter, or taking her ginger-dead men to cheer her up after a rough day at work… (I really got into Halloween this year)

And suddenly I’ve found that a lot of things in my brain are either new Aceda related things that I have to think carefully about sharing as poor old Aceda has been in a political shit storm/shark pit lately and I’m aware that anything I write has implications that may go far beyond what I’ve intended… or they relate to being a new relationship, and I’m super concerned not to expose said girlfriend by exposing my own thoughts and feelings…

So I’ve been pretty quiet sorry! I’ve been thinking and talking about it all and I think I’ve resolved most of the issues apart from the ‘I need to find time to blog and still actually eat and sleep’ dilemma, so I’m hoping to be back here more often and sharing with you as I can. Thanks for your patience!