Multiplicity – Mapping your system

/ Sarah K Reece / 5 Comments

In Bridges this week we talked about how to start the process of working out what was going on if you are a multiple. This can be a challenging process for a number of reasons. The biggest is simply that most people coming to grips with this situation find the discovery they are sharing their life with other parts very confronting. Denial can slow down the process of learning more about yourself, and so can the emotional shock of making these kinds of discoveries. Multiplicity is a very individual construct, it develops out of an intersection of two entirely unique factors – the environment the person was in as a child, with the specific challenges that posed, and the unique personality and skill sets the child possessed. The result is rather like the formation of a snowflake – no two are alike!

In all the literature I’ve read, I’ve come across three basic ways that multiples tend to learn more about themselves, more specific than the general ideas for building self awareness. ‘System mapping’ refers to learning what parts are in your system. (please translate to your preferred language – inner family, tribe etc.) Method one is to gather information internally. You might ask inside for parts to identify themselves. This is a great approach if your system tends to talk internally and you hear their voices. You may not even need to ask, you may have known for years that there’s an older male voice and a little girls’ voice and a harsh angry voice. You can start to note down the details you have and add in information as you collect it. I do recommend finding a safe place to note down your system map, considering that the information is very emotionally charged and you are prone to dissociation, it’s likely you’ll have difficulty remembering it.

You might start off with only a tiny bit of information and then add to it as your dialogue grows – the older male voice may tell you he hates reading, he’s close to your brother, and his favourite food is hot Indian curry. You can start to build more complete profiles of who’s in your system and what skills they have. Skill sets can be useful to identify as it’s common to have them broken up and distributed among a system. Someone may have financial skills, another is very nurturing and parental, someone else loves boats… Identifying the roles parts have played can also help in understanding how you all work. Sometimes there’s parts who don’t seem to have any skills, or who seem really depressed and overwhelmed. These parts are often still playing vital roles within the system (although they may not feel that way), they may be preserving characteristics such as hope or innocence, or they may be containing distress, feeling shame, misery, or despair to protect the other members of the system from those experiences. Some people find their parts communicate through dreams, so listening to your dreams can also be a way of learning about them.

A second way of starting a system map is to gather information externally. I’ve read of people starting a journal and inviting all their parts to introduce themselves in it. I’ve also come across people tacking a piece of paper to their door or having a whiteboard on which is written ‘Who are you?’ so that as different parts come out, they add whatever details they know and are comfortable with sharing to the list. Some systems have parts who already have names for themselves. Some have parts where 7 all thought they were ‘Kylie’ and are all startled to discover the other 6. Some choose to name themselves once they understand they are multiple. Some identify themselves by a role such as ‘the driver’ or a title, such as ‘the sad one’. Some, especially younger parts, get confused or play games and use more than one name. Some refuse to use names at all. It can take a while to work everything out!

Different parts in a system may have different levels of awareness, or co-consciousness, of each other. So, for example, imagine a system with three parts, Mary, Sally and Greg. Mary may not be aware of either of the others, Sally may only be aware of Mary, and Greg may be aware of them both. Sometimes a useful strategy is to ask everyone in the system to write down who they are aware of and what they know about the system, and then start combining all the individual maps to create a master map. Sometimes there’s one member of a system who keeps track of everyone and once they are happy to share their knowledge, you have a good idea of what is going on for you. Another way to try and start the process of system mapping externally is to construct a timeline and try to identify who turned up at what age. It’s not uncommon for new parts to turn up to manage a new challenge or environment, such as starting school, and that can be a useful way to track the development of a system. Sometimes you can chart your system using photographs or handwriting – you might not yet know which part does that really small neat handwriting, but you can pin down that they first turned up in high school, that they’re not very good academically but love to write creative stories, and that they disappeared for several years in the mid nineties. This can be a good start!

A third way to learn more about your system is from feedback from other people. Sometimes parts are unable or unwilling to engage internally or to identify themselves through the written word. You may be able to map your system by tracking responses from other people. Some people find their parts refuse to talk with them but chat with their therapist or a friend, and the therapist can start the system map or you can catch up on what’s going on for other parts with your friend. Others can deduce based on what they don’t know or remember – you never remember catching up with Holly and her friends but she thinks you’re great – sounds like you might have a hippie part. You never remember turning up to work but you get a paycheck every week and no complaints – sounds like you might have a part who’s good at sales. You bust up every relationship just after starting to get physically close to the other person but never remember doing that – sounds like you have a part who doesn’t cope well with sex. You lose hours every time you have to go past a toy store. Welcome to child parts!

Multiple systems are often geared to hide information. Multiplicity can be a great survival strategy, but if detected can actually leave someone more vulnerable to exploitation. Also, as you learn about the parts in your system, you can’t help but learn about the roles they’ve played, the memories they carry, and other information you may find painful at times. Your system may have been set up precisely to compartmentalise this material so you’re not overwhelmed by it. So try to be patient if your system is blocking all your efforts to learn about it! You might have to do a lot of coaxing and encouraging that it’s safe and you’re trustworthy.

Systems are not always static either. Some systems are highly fluid and in flux, with parts appearing and disappearing all the time. This tends to suggest a person under high stress who feels in chronic danger. System mapping in such a situation is fairly pointless, the highest need is settle the distress and restore some sense of safety and control. Some parts may move between different ages from day to day, which can make them difficult to identify at first. Some may have very strange ideas about who they are, which is often rooted in childhood beliefs about what would keep them safe, profoundly negative self concepts, or reflect spiritual beliefs. Multiplicity becomes a lot less strange seeming when you remember it was ‘built’ by a child. Try not to panic about what you discover, just like anyone else, multiples can change, grow, and adapt. It’s also not uncommon for some parts to hide away, deeply buried, and remain undetected for a long time, so try not to be too surprised or discouraged if you think you’ve worked out your whole system map and later discover an addition to the family.

Don’t feel like you have to choose just one approach to mapping your system, cobble together any information from whatever sources you have available to you. Take your time, be gentle with yourself, and good luck. 🙂

Edit: Mapping your system isn’t always a helpful approach – please see the comments for a great alternative perspective!

For more information see articles listed on Multiplicity Links, scroll through posts in the category of Multiplicity, or explore my Network The Dissociative Initiative.

New tree spirit painting

/ Sarah K Reece / 3 Comments

I’ve finished my green hill painting, and it turned out to be a new edition in my tree spirit collection! I’ve a love of tree spirits, they appear in different forms in various mythologies, in Greek mythology they’re called Dryads, the Japanese have Kodama – the most gorgeous forms of which were portrayed in Studio Ghibli‘s movie Princess Mononoke, and the Scottish have a tree guardian called Ghillie Dhu. I’ve a sketch book of different tree spirits, and this one I’ve tried painting a couple of times but never been happy with how she turned out. Sometimes it takes me a few tries before I find the right medium for an artwork. My first effort was acrylic and it didn’t sit right, so that one became the study for a final work in oil. I tried another in oil but wasn’t happy with the scale or pose so let it sit. Yesterday I sketched about a half dozen different ideas that all wanted to be perched on my green hill, and this one clicked. I had a bit of a rough night so I spent a lot of the day catching up on sleep and mulling over the painting. By late afternoon it looked like this:

And finished at about midnight:

The photo isn’t quite true to colour, the moon is a blend of pale yellows and the stars are yellow or white. I think she’s gorgeous, she’s called Moon in her arms. The first painting I ever sold was a tree spirit, here she is:

Looking forward to more paintings in this series. 🙂

Blooms from my garden

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
I’m having a pretty quiet weekend just recovering from the very busy week I’ve had and getting ready to launch into another one. I spent a bit of time in the garden yesterday, which was in need of some love and water. This time of year it goes mad with flowers and is looking gorgeous. I’ve been shifting around some of the pots so I can see them all through the house windows – makes it easier to notice when something is wilting or being eaten by caterpillars. It’s all very inviting at the moment. Gardening is one of my grounding techniques, I love spending time in it until it gets too hot.

I hope you’re having a good weekend too. Enjoy some photos of flowers!

These last flowers are from our feijoa tree (also called a pineapple guava), which is very exciting! We only had two fruit from it last year but judging by this year’s flowers we should get a good crop this season if we look after it. 

Poem – Loss

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments
Loss is 
being tuned
to the sounds of the old life
keys in the door
footsteps on the stair
listening forever.


That particular ache
something deep inside
stopped like a watch
telling the hour of devastation
that eternal stillness
forever waiting for the hand
that will never start the world again.


All the rest is unfamiliar strangeness
just passing time and changing the scenery
while the soul, like a hound on a grave
waits in patient expectation
one day a familiar sound
will break the dream
and I will understand the world again.

The medical model

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

Our understanding of ‘madness’ and anguish has changed and developed over many generations. When I look at this process something that strikes me is how each framework has its own strengths and limitations, places where it was helpful and others where it was destructive. There’s also a kind of pendulum swing from polarized positions – all mental illness is caused by genetics, all mental illness is caused by trauma, until finally in many of the debates the reality has been found to be somewhere in between. Both nature and nurture shape us. Attempts to find a way to comprehend and respond to bizarre or distressing experiences seem often to originate in an attempt to move away from the destructiveness of the framework that came before. I’m not too hard on the medical model for this reason. It has strengths! One of them is the idea that madness could be understood. That it could be studied, researched, comprehended, and possibly even treated. When madness was understood as a spiritual or moral failing, people suffered. A medical approach was at the time, filled with hope.

Another thing I like about the medical model is the way it is being used to demand better resources for people with a mental illness. There is talk about a medical apartheid, where money available to support people who have diabetes or are recovering from strokes is compared to the money available to support people who have schizophrenia or postnatal depression. It IS outrageous that there is not yet the funding to develop better testing so that people with mental illnesses are not exposed to medications to which they will have an allergic reaction. It is appalling that perceptions such as ‘people with mental illnesses are never going to get better anyway’ slows the development of quality resources. I’m happy that our ideas about sanity have become much more sophisticated than the two categories of crazy and sane.

In my opinion, the medical model also has some major limitations. One of them is the inability to distinguish between illness and injury. We do not have a language to describe psychological injury in the way that we do physical injury. So for those who have been psychologically wounded by trauma, abuse or neglect, they are diagnosed with a mental illness. Our entire mental health system in some ways is predicated on the idea that there is something wrong with the victims.

Our mental health system has become a catchment for hurting people, and it tells them that there is something wrong with them because they are wounded. In my experience, people who have been mistreated react in entirely predictable ways, and develop difficulties in the areas that were damaged – such as navigating relationships, coping with intense emotions, experiencing chronic shame. There is no place in ‘abnormal psychology’ for these reactions, they are the normal reactions of human beings to these kind of circumstances, in greater or lesser degrees. For those most catastrophically wounded, so many areas of life are affected that they often receive multiple diagnoses, the labels pile up giving the impression of a case of the most hopeless overwhelming sickness and deeply discouraging the person who carries them around. We don’t do this when people have been physically wounded. As Dr Middleton, Australian psychiatrist put it:

If an individual were to be dragged out of the wreckage of a train crash and dispatched to the nearest hospital emergency department he could perhaps be diagnosed with ‘compound fractured tibia-fibular disorder’, ‘respiratory distress disorder associated with pneumothorax’, ‘hypofusion, hypotensive disorder’, ‘renal shock disorder’, ‘tachycardia’, ‘endocrine stress disorder’ or ‘post abrasian skin integrity disorder’ etc. Alternatively, such an individual could be seen as (barely) surviving a major physical trauma that impacted on all bodily systems and where particular physical defences automatically became operative from the point of trauma… We can view the survivors of emotionally deprived and severely abusive childhoods as suffering from multitudinous DSM-IV diagnostic entities: post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, somatization disorder, affective disorder, drug and alcohol related disorders, sexual dysfunction etc., or we can view them as the survivors of a psychological train wreck in which no psychological system was unaffected and in which whatever psychological defences that were available were pressed into service to ensure survival.

Research suggests that while Depression can appear at random without any clear cause, people are certainly more vulnerable to it after experiencing major life stress such as the death of a family member. The trend is easy to chart – the more of these stressors, the more likely it is that someone will develop a major depressive illness. Once again, if we are dealing with situations where most people who experience a sequence of catastrophic life events will develop depression, isn’t the obvious conclusion that depression is a pretty normal and common human response to certain situations?

Then we have the issue of treating emotional pain as a medical problem. Part of what it is to be human is to be capable of being hurt. Those humans who do not ever suffer, never feel fear or sorrow or grief, we have other words for them and they not examples to be lived up to. Yet with our medical model, people in pain can only access services if they have an illness label of some kind, as though to hurt is to be sick. In crude terms, mental health becomes synonymous with being happy, and mental illness with being sad or hurt. This scares me. It is not only normal, but mentally and emotionally healthy to react to certain situations with a deep sorrow, with anguish, grief, fear, and wrenching pain. To be shattered, heartbroken, heart sick, soul sick, desolate and distraught. Happiness in the face of profound loss is not a healthy human response. But the language of mental illness makes it hard to say to someone – there is nothing wrong with you! And here, let me help.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m certainly not saying that all mental illnesses are a response to emotional trauma. I’m not suggesting that we leave people to tough it out alone. I’m not saying that the medical model doesn’t fit exactly some of what some people experience. But in situations where people are wounded, not sick, where their reactions are normal, although deeply distressing, and where they are made to feel that there is something wrong with them for simply being human, I’m distressed that we don’t have a language nuanced enough to capture these ideas. The medical model feels to me a little like pleading guilty in return for a chance at parole when you are innocent. People must first self identify as being ill before any care or comfort can theoretically be offered. There are only services for the sick.

Sculpture at Tafe

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

My new Tafe course started up tonight, it’s a subject from the Bachelor of Visual Arts degree called Small Object Making, and is basically exploring difficult materials to make into sculptures. I adore it. I could move into the sculpture department and live there very contentedly for the rest of my life. It is a big space, full of mad half finished sculptures everywhere, and the most delicious collection of expensive equipment in neat, well set out workshops. There is the bronze forge. There are tools for working metal in the metal workshop, oxy-acetylene torches, huge orange rubbery welding screens that looked oddly medical, grinding wheels, even a proper metal forge in the corner. There is a whole room devoted to clay and ceramics, where in one of the classes you sculpt in clay a life model who poses for the class. There is a wood workshop, full of lethal and fascinating wood tools, saws, drills, sanders and suchlike. There is a small class area of comfy lounges with pigeon holes of art materials and half done projects on one wall, and books and magazines for inspiration scattered all around. I could barely contain my excitement!

I also tried to get my jewellery project back but it hadn’t been marked yet. I will post pictures when I do!

For those of you who are only familiar with my 2D art forms, you may not know that I also have a passion for a type of sculpture called installation art. Where sculpture is usually about making something, a 3D shape of some kind that is then put on display, installation art is about taking a space and transforming it. It’s more akin to creating a theatre set, every part of the space is thought through. One installation artist I like is Christian Boltanski, especially his works with light and shadow such as Monuments, and Tombs.

Many years ago in school, I made two installation artworks for my yr12 project, one a pair of life size plaster people with clear perspex wings that changed colours in a light display, reaching for jewels that were suspended from plaster hands that hung from the roof. The other was a huge 6 foot long sarcophagus, complete with Mummy, from whose chest burst forth feathered origami birds that flew away through the ceiling. They were pretty awesome, I loved making them. It was very therapeutic to take over a small room at school and make it entirely my own world.

However, there’s big difficulties with this art form. It doesn’t always transport well – to put the sarcophagus on display at the Roma Mitchell Arts Education Centre I had to drive her in roped to a trailer doing 40km an hour, and then do fairly extensive repair work with silicon, paint, and hot glue when I arrived. It’s also difficult to find space to store the works, they are often built to suit a particular space and don’t work well in other environments… and they’re tricky to construct when you live in a small space and have a tight budget…

But I love it! And, as I improve my photography skills, I will be able to construct, photograph, and dismantle works more easily. So the final result may not always be an installation you can walk around, but instead an interesting series of photographs. And of course, there’s always possibilities for sculpture in miniature. I love to work with many different mediums and want to learn skills in wood, metal, glass, clay, polymers, and electronics. Getting sick and being so restricted with movement and energy I adapted and took up needlework and embroidery. Prior to that I would never have explored those areas, but now I value knowing how to sew and do bead work. I get a lot out of exploring different kinds of art.

So, I have a big decision coming up. Tafe applications close at the end of this month, and I have to decide what I’m applying for. There’s a number of fascinating Certificate 4’s, including one in 3D sculpture and public art, that are each only a year full time. (I would love to get into public art, but I’ve been told it’s very very difficult and involves a lot of paperwork. urk) There’s also the bachelor degree which is broader in scope and takes 3 years full time. I’m trying to leave open options to keep picking up all the other short courses I love such as at the WEA, and the media training I’ve booked in for with Radio Adelaide, plus I have to be able to fund all this study as most of these are pay up front kind of deals. And of course I do want to continue with psychology/social work/disability work/mental health/peer work kind of study also… Although currently being an artist, writer and speaker I feel I am being helpful in mental health, and my enthusiasm for being employed as a psychologist is somewhat waning when compared to making art to present talks about mental health like I’m doing now… tricky tricky! I’m worried about the commitment to a three year degree considering my health and my caring situation are both rather unpredictable, and I’d rather finish a cert 4 than half finish a degree. On the other hand I can work on the degree part time and I guess if 6 months into it it’s clearly too stressful I can always withdraw and apply for a cert 4 without too many issues. Dilemmas!

In the meantime, I have materials to experiment with as part of my current subject, two projects to complete and a journal to work on. Hope your day was inspiring too. 🙂

See my next post about Small Object Making here.

Cary’s Interview

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

My co-worker Cary facilitates Bridges with me and we do a lot of the dissociation talks and training together. Last year she was interviewed for the Insight program on SBS, and bravely spoke a little about her experiences living with DID. The program ended up with a lot of material from many different people and sadly had to edit her interview quite short, but it was a great show and the interview is well worth a watch. She’s given me permission to link to it here. 🙂

Here’s her bio from the Insight website:

Cary has struggled with mental health issues since primary school.She has suffered psychotic episodes, depression and has been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, formally known as multiple personality disorder.She says young people need better services and that medication is not always the answer.

Cary is now helping other young people through the Mental Illness Fellowship of South Australia.

Watch the show here, Cary’s interview starts at 10.19 in part three if you don’t want to watch the whole program.

Current exhibitions and art

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This is your last chance to see Homelessness, she is going on display at the Diamond Clubhouse today, and staying there until the 20th of November, when she will go to live with her new owner. The Clubhouse is at 19 Kilkenny Rd Woodville Park, and is open Monday – Friday 9am-4pm. Parking and entry are free. 🙂 Another six of my artworks are still on display at the Box Factory in the city too, and in both cases are part of larger exhibitions with some other really fantastic artworks.

I’ve started a new oil painting. So far, it’s a hill.

I don’t know why. It started as a branch for blossoms then changed its mind and turned into a hill. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I seem to just like hills. This is my first oil painting I’ve ever done, from last year:

I will admit, that’s a lot of hills. Will there be trees? I do like trees also. Oh the anticipation! Stay tuned to find out! :P

Cleo is on the mend :)

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
Hurrah, apart from being a bit sniffly when the pollen is bad here, Cleo is improving day by day. Here she is, taking over my keyboard:

Both eyes are almost completely clear now and she’s much happier in general. Here she is keeping me company while I blog:

A very faithful companion. 🙂 Tiger is also going great. He stretches right out on the rugs like his namesake, requiring everyone to step over him in the hallway. He’s a big, happy, lazy cat. They’ve got themselves sorted out now, Cleo sleeps by my side and Tiger at my feet. Well, no, I tell a lie. Cleo sleeps on my book/journal/hands/pillow and then gets pushed off until she settles down to sleep by my side… Neither like being under the covers (who can blame them in this weather?) and both require the bedroom door is left ajar for easy access to midnight snacks. 🙂

Caring for someone who’s suicidal

/ Sarah K Reece / 8 Comments

One aspect of my life I haven’t discussed much is that of a carer. That’s partly because it’s difficult to talk about without exposing information about the person I care for, which I am keen not to do to them. But it has been a very important part of my life, and something I know many of us are doing. So I thought I’d share a little about some aspects of the caring role I’ve been thinking about lately. Some folks don’t like the word carer, I understand the discomfort. There can be a kind of one-upsmanship in the terms carer and caree. The carer is the sane and responsible one and the caree is the sick one who needs all the help. Gone are terms of a mutual relationship and clear roles replace them. Some people also dislike distinguishing between those who are family and those who are the carers, others dislike having all the family suddenly called the carers, whether they play that role or not. I’m not particularly comfortable with the terminology myself, but I do know that I’m the family who’s there on a regular basis at 2am. That makes me a carer.

Terminology aside, the person I care for struggles with feeling suicidal. As is common with many mental illnesses, these issues come in episodes. Earlier this year they became so distraught for so long they tried to take their own life. Fortunately we were able to save them. Being a carer for someone who is chronically suicidal is a particular kind of anguish. I’ve given some thought to the ways I’ve managed this painful situation. Our paths are all very individual and I’m not speaking for other carers, only myself. It may be that none of these suggestions are useful to anyone but me!

The chronic fear, stress, anguish and internal conflict involved when caring for someone who’s suicidal can absolutely devour you. Emotional instability becomes normal, you swing wildly from ecstatic relief they’re alive, to horror at their pain, and fury at what this is doing to you and your family. This is physically and emotionally exhausting, and signs of burn out can appear quickly. Periods of apathy and numbness intrude, physical exhaustion and mental confusion make it harder to keep going. The person you love seems to be burning alive and with them, you burn too. For myself, I develop a really short fuse. I become very irritable with everyone around me. I can’t concentrate for long on anything. I cry at the slightest thing. I feel permanently distracted, part of my mind is always with the person I care for. I feel permanently afraid. There’s a deep sense of terror that is always with me, lurking in my chest and chewing on my bones. I try to adapt but I cannot get used to it or accept it. There’s an anguish that has had me curled up on the floor in the shower, hoping the neighbours can’t hear me scream.

So, what has helped keep me going?

There is, and I say this very carefully, an upside to living on the edge of death this way. I have been unable to take away any of the downsides. My efforts to adjust and adapt have had only the most limited success over the years. So, I hold to me every sustaining thing I can find in this experience.

The truth is that anyone we love could be about to die. The truth is that we could be the one to pass away in an accident on the drive home from the hospital. It’s just that none of us can really live with this awareness. So for those of us who are forced to – use it. Settle your grievances where you can. Say those things you will have wished you said. Not just to the person you care for, but everywhere in your life. Make your peace.

Treat yourself with great compassion. There is a tremendous grief in loving someone who has become so hurt and disillusioned that they seek death. The loss in a way, is as if they have died. Be very gentle with yourself, and give yourself time to grieve. Find ways to express the anguish, be those with other people, through art, journals, tears. The painful truth is that for some people, mental illness is a terminal disease. It does not take away from who they are or everything else they have done in life. Try to remember how you would treat them if they were going through cancer or another life threatening disease. They are not doing this to you, they are suffering with this and because you love them, you are suffering too. That is the nature of love.

Despair can be contagious. But closeness to death can also leave us awakened to our own life, and vividly aware of our own existence. There’s an urgency in me, a restlessness with meaningless routine. A desire to cast off the grey and ordinary and to taste life. Let this dance in you! Stand in sunlight, listen to rain on the roof, smell the sweetness of the apple blossoms. You hurt because you are still alive, and still value life. Don’t go down with them. Let the joy, the energy, the restlessness burn in you and give you respite from the exhaustion and numbness. Don’t wait for your loved one to come back to life, show them how. These are the moments that sustain you. We more than anyone understand how brief our lives can be, and that any day could be our last. Breathe it in deeply!

Don’t try to kill the pain. Emotions aren’t like a menu, you can’t choose the ones you want. In my experience, you feel all, strongly, mildly, or not at all. The pain is going to sit in your heart like a stone whether you feel it or not. Best to wash it out with tears and be able to feel love, joy, and peace however briefly when they come. 

Introducing Dissociation

/ Sarah K Reece / 7 Comments

Dissociation is not very well understood, and most people think it’s very rare. In reality, mild dissociation is so common that most of us have experienced it! Part of the trouble understanding and talking about dissociation is that the language is clinical and unfamiliar. It’s not particularly easy to spell or pronounce. (many folks throw an extra ‘a’ in diss -a- ociation, but it’s quite long enough with the 5 syllables it already has) Dissociation is the disconnection between things that are normally connected. It’s easiest to think of as being unplugged on some level.

Most of us have experienced a small degree of dissociation. One common example is called highway hypnosis, which is where you may drive say, home from work, and arrive not able to recall any details of the trip. You’ve been driving on autopilot probably thinking about other things. Another example is daydreaming, or getting ‘lost’ in a good book. These are common experiences, and do not indicate a problem of any kind. Dissociation only becomes a disorder when it is severe, distressing or disabling.

Dissociation is not psychosis, although like any symptoms of mental illness, someone can experience both of them. A hallmark of psychosis is the addition of new information, such as seeing or hearing things that other people can’t, whereas dissociation is generally related to a loss of information instead.

Dissociation is a symptom of a number of different mental illnesses, such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. There is also an entire category of disorders where dissociation is the primary issue, just like the category of anxiety disorders groups different mental illnesses where anxiety is the underlying feature. One of these is called Dissociative Identity Disorder. 

Dissociation can happen in may different areas. It depends which area has been unplugged as to which symptoms a person experiences. People who suffer from chronic dissociation may struggle with symptoms such as:

  • Emotional numbing – where someone cannot connect to their own feelings, feeling flat, empty or numb instead.
  • Amnesia – ‘zoning out’/blackouts/lost time, when dissociation occurs in the area of memory, for example suddenly discovering that it is Thursday, and having no memory of Wednesday.
  • Time speeding up or slowing down.
  • Losing sensations – not being able to feel your own body, or feel sensations such as heat, cold, pain, hunger. Dissociation can unplug someone from their own senses, reducing or even removing altogether their sight or sense of hearing or ability to feel pain for example.
  • De-realisation – this describes someone’s experience when they are unplugged from the world around them, it may feel like being in a dream, or that they are living in a film. Nothing feels ‘real’. This may not sound so bad but it can be very distressing to experience.
  • Depersonalisation – describes being unplugged from yourself, where someone may feel unreal, like being a robot or living in a dream. They may not recognise their own reflection in a mirror, and may have out of body experiences where they seem to be watching themselves. Losing a sense of yourself like this can be intensely distressing unless the person is also experiencing emotional numbing.
  • Other common symptoms include flashbacks, sleep disturbance, psychosomatic pain or body memories, and identity disturbances.

Many people experience one or more of these symptoms on occasion without having a mental illness. People who have a dissociative disorder may experience dissociation in only one or up to all of these areas. Some people struggle with chronic symptoms all the time, while others experience episodes. There’s a wide range of ways dissociation can present and different kinds of difficulties it can cause people. It can be difficult to describe dissociative experiences before you know the terminology. In my case, even reading about it wasn’t enough, it took quite some time for me to realise that the confusing experiences I was having were dissociative.

It can be difficult to imagine what severe dissociation might feel like, but if you have ever stayed awake for a night or two, perhaps studying, then you have some idea. You may have felt confused, foggy, your sense of time might have been different, perhaps the room appeared fuzzy or spun around you, you may not have felt your feet upon the floor. Going into shock following an accident of some kind also resembles a dissociative experience. If you’ve ever been injured you may have felt really cold or numb or had odd tingles or pins and needles in your body. You may have experienced tunnel vision, time may have slowed right down or skipped in little bursts so you felt like you were in the backyard one moment and the ambulance the next. You may have felt dizzy or like you were falling, even if you were already lying down. Everything may have seemed very surreal and strange, as if you were in a dream. You may have become quite confused and reacted inappropriately. Perhaps you started giggling despite having a broken leg. Perhaps you were injured in traffic collision but all you could worry about for awhile was the groceries getting warm on the back seat. Remembering experiences like these can help you better understand the struggles of people who experience severe dissociation.

For someone dealing with severe dissociation, the very first priority must be safety. It is very important not to ignore the risks that severe dissociation poses. Driving a vehicle or even walking near traffic can be very dangerous during a severe dissociative episode. People struggling with chronic dissociation have to adapt their choice of activities to the level of symptoms they experience each day to make sure they stay safe. For example, when dissociative, I tend to burn myself accidentally while cooking.

If memory is affected, using extensive memory aids can greatly assist in maintaining safety and accomplishing goals. I use ‘to do’ lists a lot and set reminders on my phone for appointments an hour before. The kinds of tasks I write on my to do lists vary depending on how well I am that day. On bad days they are very simple things such as brushing my teeth and eating breakfast!

Dissociation can be rooted in trauma or grief. If this is the case for you, it’s important to spend some time working through those experiences instead of just trying to manage symptoms. This doesn’t have to be done in therapy or to mean that you are awash with painful feelings all the time. Finding a balance between expressing and honoring the events of the past and being able to connect with the present can reduce dissociation. Sometimes dissociation worsens when a person feels that the world is not a safe place to be connected to. Working to restore a sense of safety and control can help to reduce symptoms.

Grounding techniques can be very helpful to manage dissociation, and I encourage people to work on developing their own grounding kit. Some people who struggle with severe dissociation are vulnerable to issues with self harm. Sometimes this is as a kind of grounding technique, in other cases people use self harm to trigger dissociative episodes when they feel overwhelmed and want to disconnect. Building self awareness is an important part of managing dissociation, as you learn what triggers or feeds your dissociation and what makes you feel safe, connected and grounded you will be able to tailor your own individual recovery. The more individual the approach to managing dissociation is, the more likely it is to work. It is absolutely possible to go on to have a meaningful, connected, vibrant life, even if you are like me and find that dissociation is something that continues to need managing on a day by day basis.

For a brochure about managing dissociation, click here.

Spent my prize money!

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
Last week I was given a gift voucher to Premier Art Supplies for winning an art award. I have a pretty terrible memory for such things, so I decided to go out and spend it today before I put it away somewhere safe and forgot all about it. I spent at least an hour examining everything in the store before finally deciding to extend my range of colours in oil paints. I also purchased a fine tip tjanting tool to work with wax resist in ink paintings. Here they are:

Look at all the gorgeous colours! Yum yum, can’t wait to start a new oil painting now. Here they are together with my original collection, as you can see it’s just about doubled.

Always heart warming to have new art supplies. And, in case you’re interested, here’s my lovely Chinese painting pallette, all set up:

I purchased the paints very cheaply while in Singapore last year, and have designs on some more for Christmas this year. I used these together with the sepia ink for the first time recently to paint the illustrations for a talk about creativity and mental health. They are gorgeous, a little more opaque than western watercolours with lovely soft blending. These paintings are done entirely in the sepia ink, dried, and then the Chinese paints are painted on top to add gentle areas of colour.

This one depicts using creative arts to express grief, fear, anguish and pain.

Boundaries and being human

/ Sarah K Reece / 4 Comments

If you ever do any study in the ‘helping people’ professions, you’ll probably come across information about professional boundaries. Boiled down to the simplest level these are usually something along the lines of ‘don’t ever be friends with your patients because it’s bad’.

I’m a huge fan of boundaries, especially when they’re really clear, easy to understand, and everyone benefits from them. I hate being in a situation where I’m not sure what would or wouldn’t be appropriate, where if I do something wrong I’ll feel really embarrassed. Boundaries define and protect relationships and ensure mutual respect and choice about how people interact. Good boundaries help to prevent abuse, domination, manipulation, merging and all the various ways we human beings rub up against each other that diminish and dis-empower the other person. Relationships without boundaries are really vulnerable to the normal weaknesses and limitations of each person really wreaking havoc on the other, often despite good intentions. The more important the relationship, the more important that good, clear boundaries are in place. They’re not just a way of pushing away people we don’t like!

Professional boundaries are supposed to mean that someone going to a therapist can be secure that the therapist is not best friends with their partner/boss/parent, that they are going to put aside their own needs and issues and focus completely on the person in front of them. There’s a really good reason for these kind of boundaries in intensive one to one work with people, and it’s depressing how many therapists are struck off each year for failing really big obvious ones like don’t sleep with the client! These kind of boundaries have also been adopted by most other helping professions – doctors, social workers, disability carers, mentors, and so on. There’s been a trickle down effect where what’s best in therapy is assumed to be best practice everywhere else too. This comes with some problems.

One of the big issues with professional boundaries being this rigid is that this doesn’t work so well outside of city life. Out rural, in small towns, and in any other culture that operates within self contained tribes, this approach founders. Small town psychiatrists find themselves in a position where they cannot technically befriend any of the local community. Any event, be it sports, a gathering of friends, church or club, will have people present they have or are treating. Either they leave, live a fairly solitary existence, or reshape a few of the guidelines to better fit their circumstances.

People with high needs disabilities also find themselves in a difficult situation with these boundaries. If they are not allowed to become close or attached to any person who is paid to care for them, we can create a very unnatural situation. To be surrounded not by family or friends, but by staff to whom you are not allowed to give a birthday card, receive a hug, or invite to a celebration can be painfully lonely. I know the shame that comes with becoming aware that the only people in my life who show me any care are paid to be there, not coming over because they actually just like me. Boundaries are supposed to protect our humanity, not force us to deny it.

In mental health the kind of care provided may be less physically intimate, but we still put people in the strange situation of being only able to receive care. Our ideas about recovery are often geared towards a kind of meaningless hedonism – look after yourself! People with disabilities are not permitted to give care to the staff. An idea that was designed to prevent abuses actually entrenches an uneven power relationship and has built into our care system two distinct, separate, and often warring groups – those who give ‘care’, and those who receive it. Human beings need to express both, and we need relationships in which give and take both operate. When I was trying to rebuild a shattered life I tried to volunteer with a number of different organisations and was persistently knocked back for this reason. One of them told me outright –

You’re not one of the people who gives help, you’re one of the people who needs it.

Given a choice, I can tell you which group I’d rather belong to! The reality is, we all belong to both. At the moment, the people who have the luxury of doing the giving are telling off the unfortunate ones who need support for feeling humiliated by it. We’ve created a system where most of those who work in mental health would be intensely humiliated to ever need support from the services they work in. Most doctors would be horrified to be detained and hospitalised for mental illness. Our staff talk about reducing stigma and not being too proud to ask for help, but it’s a brave few who walk that talk.

We currently have a strange situation in mental health where those with a passion for the topic train and work within the field, meaning they cannot befriend those most in need of friends. The services get frustrated that the rest of our culture who have other passions and trained for different fields, don’t turn up to our activity centres and befriend those most in need. We’ve accidentally removed from our social networks most of the people with the heart to be great friends to those most profoundly affected by mental illness. The message to people with severe mental illness is; our research tells us that friends, family, and feeling like you are useful and your life is meaningful are critical to managing your condition. But you can’t get any of that from us.

One of the organisations I tried to volunteer with had policy written to prevent any kind of personal attachment between client and staff. We were only to fulfil the role given to us, which was to help around the house. We were forbidden from chatting with the client any more than necessary. Sitting down with a cup of tea was specifically mentioned as inappropriate. Accepting anything from the client, even a thank you card was not permitted. We were to ignore the client completely if we encountered them in any other setting. And a supervisor would be closely monitoring the cases, if it was suspected that a client was becoming attached to a volunteer, we would immediately be assigned to a different client. My blood ran cold. The thinking was that these rules would prevent abuse and dependence. I don’t know if they do that. I do know that they take away something vital, that they allow us to meet the expressed need – to wash dishes or tidy a garden, while ignoring all the deeper needs for contact, humour, affection, and care. I know that children who have every physical need met while being starved emotionally do not thrive. I don’t believe the situation is any different for those of us with mental illness, disabilities, or our elderly.

I think we need to rework our ideas about these kind of boundaries. One of the developments in mental health that excites me is the introduction of the peer work role. Whilst most organisations are currently in the process of narrowing the definition of this role, it has at least started with notions of equality and shared humanity. We can move services towards practices that are more human, towards nurturing relationships that have more scope for mutuality, towards meeting real needs instead of fulfilling job requirements. Towards modelling the inclusiveness and equality we wish to create in society instead of lecturing from the sidelines. Kindness, compassion, respect, and warmth are not optional extras when working in these fields. They ARE the job.

Cleo’s eye troubles

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
My foster cat Cleo has been having a bit of trouble with an eye infection of some kind in her right eye. That’s cleared up really well now but it was getting itchy as it healed and I noticed her scratching it. It seems she’s accidentally infected her left eye. Damn! I was being super careful about cross infection but it’s a bit of a difficult concept to explain to a cat. So now the left eye is being bathed twice a day.

Tiger is still going fine, he seems to have a remarkably strong constitution for a cat with FIV. He currently alternates between trying to play with Cleo, which she’s not in the mood for, and grooming her, which also annoys her a bit. She’s a bit sooky when she’s feeling ill, needs lots of cuddles and attention and feels a bit grumpy about Tiger giving her a good licking when she’s trying to nap. She comes up and prowls my desk when she feels I’ve been on the computer too long and paying her too little attention:

Hopefully the new infection clears up quickly. It doesn’t seem as swollen as the first did, so I’m hopeful it’s not as bad and will heal quickly. She’s very affectionate, sleeps on my bed every night, loves being picked up and cuddled, and has a gorgeous purr. 

Dealing with your Denial

/ Sarah K Reece / 3 Comments

In Bridges this week we talked about the issue of denial. Whether it’s denial of your mental illness, or denial about trauma in your past, many of us struggle with this issue. Denial can be quite crippling to your ability to function in life. Pretending you don’t have things to deal with or needs and limits that must be worked around can be like setting yourself up to fall, over and over again. If you never accept your situation, you never plan for it, never see the next crash coming, and only snatch a bit of life between episodes of crisis. Ignoring a trauma history can leave you vulnerable to having it scream for attention through psychosomatic illnesses, emotional exhaustion, mental illness, and relationship stress. Suppressing strong emotions is exhausting, and denying the impact of trauma can leave you cut off from part of yourself. Denial can be incredibly costly to our ability to function. We walk about in an illusionary world in our mind, and crash over cliffs we can’t see.

However, denial is also useful in helping us cope. It’s one way of putting some distance between ourselves and something that makes us really uncomfortable. On one level, denial can be a form of containment. First respondents are taught to contain their distress in order to be effective at their jobs. Firefighters, police officers, ER nurses all face situations that are deeply stressful and emotional. All of them unplug from their normal human feelings of fear, shock, horror, and sadness in order to focus, work efficiently, and protect people. It’s as if they contain all those reactions in a box, and put it to one side to do what must be done.

Over time, most people find that containment is breached at times. There are limits to how much we can buffer ourselves, and all of us who experience these kinds of trauma, whether in our personal or professional lives, find that some situations resonate so strongly with us they refuse to be contained. A soldier returns from war with an image of a dead child burned so strongly into his mind he will dream of it for the rest of his life. An abuse victim is able to put aside memories until someone touches their throat the way the abuser did. A nurse excels at maintaining a professional demeanour, but the dying patient who looks so like her mother reduces her to tears. We carry memories and ghosts, and part of recovering from trauma is learning how to live with them, and how to manage when our ability to contain is exceeded.

Denial plays a role in giving us distance, which allows us to focus on the present moment. This is often very valuable in that we can work on building our life without being overwhelmed by the very things we’re trying to escape. When we’ve used denial to help in this way, it can be really hard to let go of. It feels like a comforting friend where facing the reality of our situation feels harsh and frightening. Reality however, has a way of intruding.

We need to work on denial at times when it is not protecting us, but actually leaving us unable to adapt and accept the situation we are in. There’s many ways you can work on your own denial if it’s a problem for you. One of them is spending time with people who are dealing with the same issues. Accepting you have a mental illness is a lot easier when the three new friends you met in group are awesome people with mental illnesses. You can start to see that it might not be the end of the world. Facing traumatic memories is less terrifying when you understand how many other people are dealing with the same issues, so you’re not alone. Sometimes there are concrete things you can do to remind yourself that you are willing to confront and accept these things. Some people write memories in their journal, some blue tack a message to themselves on their bedroom wall, some wear a bracelet with an inscription. Some keep the hospital tag from their last stay, or a page of the notes they wrote in their last episode. Multiples struggling to accept it may keep different handwriting, a collection of photos of different alters, or a recording of different members of their system. My journals serve as a way to keep me connected to the reality of my journey when I start to distort or whitewash parts of it.

Sometimes denial can feel huge and immovable, like you’re trying to push over a mountain. Be kind to yourself. We hang on to things that have worked for us, and are really reluctant to give them up, even if they’re now causing us problems. This is just about conditioning, there’s nothing wrong with you! For some of us, it’s not just us who have issues with denial, it’s our whole family, social circle, culture. Sometimes our denial feels like a mountain because there’s a lot of people contributing to it! It is very hard to come to face something that no one else wants to accept either. It can feel like the end of the world to give up our illusions.

Stripping away denial entirely can also be a problem! We need a bit of buffering from reality at times. It’s okay to pace yourself, dealing with these issues is a process. It takes time, and sometimes little steps is exactly the way to do it. Everyone is different, whatever works for you is right. Sometimes moving too quickly can be really destabilizing, like riding a bike for the first time with no training wheels. It takes us time to adjust to these things. It’s not all that helpful to trade total denial for total absorption with the issue. Neither leave you much room to have a life. And the name of the game here is having a life – not being a good patient and ticking some box that says ‘I’ve faced all my issues’! I don’t spend every minute of my day thinking of myself as a person with a mental illness, or remembering traumatic events in my life. I try to find a balance between facing and dealing with what I need to, and living in the here and now, enjoying myself wherever possible. It’s a tricky line to walk and it doesn’t always work, that’s the nature of the process. Just as there’s no right way to do this, there’s no neat way, and some spills, tears, frustration and mistakes are all part of the deal.

 

Mindshare is Live!

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
Mindshare is

“a unique space that allows mental health consumers and their supporters a place to creatively tell their stories. It is a community dedicated to de stigmatising mental illness through shared experiences”   Louise Pascale

 And it’s now live, with new material being put up every day! They are also keen for people to submit to the site, so if you have a story, poem, artwork, photo, or great idea for a blog post, consider getting involved! I will be sharing some of my art and posts there, they already have some of my art displayed here, and here. The launch on Wednesday was fantastic, the digital stories are of a really high standard and are really amazing to see. I highly recommend having a look, try starting with Flannel Flower, it brought tears to my eyes. The blog posts so far have also been really interesting. They’ve been working on this project for a long time and the results are excellent.

A quick reminder that my interview on Radio Adelaide airs Saturday morning, between 9 – 11am. As part of a stigma reduction campaign by the HCA, I’ve been recorded being interviewed about living with a mental illness. So tune in to 101.9 FM, or online to hear it!

Starting your own blog

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

I’m getting a few questions about how to get a blog up and running from fellow artists or peer workers, so I thought I’d share my process. I originally wanted to get a website up, primarily so that people could find my details when they were looking for my art. But building a website from scratch is a little challenging, and finding free hosting that doesn’t come with ads likewise. (I have a passionate loathing for ads!) Gradually the idea of a blog became more appealing. You will need some basic computer know how, but you don’t need to be a computer engineer! There are a few different places you can start your blog, they’re called platforms. This blog is hosted by the Blogger platform – which is why the address has “blogspot” in it. Another really popular one is WordPress, and if you do a google search there are many more such as LiveJournal and so on. How to choose?

I spent a bit of time looking at blogs from different platforms. I also did some reading about the pros and cons of the various platforms out there. Some of them provide everything for free while others ask for money for some services. Some allow you to put ads on your blog if you wish to make money that way, some have more features and ways you can customise them, some are easier for a beginner to learn to use. People can get very passionate about their favourite blogging platform, like the Mac/PC debate or Ford/Holden, so it pays to read around a bit and get a feel for the differences. I ended up choosing Blogger because everything was free, it’s pretty easy for a beginner to put together, and it’s a popular choice which means when I google a question about how to do something on it, there’s always lots of people asking and answering those questions on the net. However, one of the downsides is that it is more limited in how much you can customize it, which can be a shame at times.

To start with Blogger, you sign in with google and then start a new blog. You’ll start with the behind the scenes details of choosing a background and the layout. Don’t worry too much about this, you can always change it later. Then you add widgets if you wish, these are the features on the blog such as the “Follow by email” option or the labels. You set up a page if you wish, for example a page for your biography where people can read about who you are and what you do. Lastly, you write your first post. 🙂

I started my first blog, which was a travel blog. This was just for friends and family while I was away on travels. It gave me time to work out how a blog works and what the various options are without irritating the general public! I spent three months learning the ropes with that, customising different parts of it, learning how to upload pictures and change the size of the font and suchlike. I also started following other good blogs. Some are in my fields, art or mental health blogs, while others are just examples of good quality blogs by authors or singers or other people. This has helped me learn more about blog etiquette, and given me a general idea about things like how long I can let posts be before I should break them up, how to make a blog easy to navigate, how to write my own biography.

Next, I launched this blog. I was very pleased to find that my name hadn’t been taken, as finding a simple but memorable address for your blog can take a few tries! (blogger tells you if the option you want is available when you start your own) I initially planned to write a new post every week or so until a colleague advised me that I needed to consider updating every day if I want to keep readers interested. At first I was really daunted and worried I’d run out of things to write about. Now, I have a page and a half of post ideas that is growing quicker than I can catch up! You may be different however, and it’s important to find your own pace. It will help if people have some idea when to expect new posts, for example every Sunday, but really the most important thing is having interesting, quality material, not how often you add to it. Putting out a badly written rant every day is not better than one good thoughtful point a month!

I use Picassa to sort, crop, watermark and upload my photos, it’s free software and interacts directly with Blogger. The practical details are important to pay attention to – there’s a lot of exciting backgrounds available, but some of them are very difficult to read over. Sometimes you get options to make titles crazy colours or flashy effects. Most of these are really irritating after a short time! Good font size, post titles that make it easy for readers to guess whether they’re interesting in the contents, breaking up lots of writing with some pictures if appropriate, doing a spell check, these are easy to overlook but they do matter.

Once I started this blog I quickly realised that it was a platform for sharing information about mental health and recovery, so my posts are now a mix of my various interests, some news, some articles, some art. If I was only sharing about mental health I doubt I’d be able to update daily because the posts are too draining and take too long to write and edit to a standard I’m happy with. I was originally toying with the idea of separating the different areas into blogs of their own, but managing a whole bunch of them felt like a lot of work, and I hoped that mixing things in together the way I have would give people a break between heavier posts and also showcase that people with mental illnesses are individuals with a lot more going on than an illness. The downside is that when someone comes to this blog just looking for one thing, such as information about my foster cats, there’s a lot of posts they won’t be interested in. That’s where using labels comes in handy. I like to only use a few labels, some blogs go a bit mad with hundreds of them but that can confuse more than it helps! I’ve also recently set up an “About this Blog” page to help people find what they’re looking for.

Once you’ve started your blog, ask people who write or blog for feedback on occasion. They may be able to point out difficulties you hadn’t noticed. I’m indebted to readers who have let me know when issues like small font size have been causing problems. Keep in mind the point of your blog and stick to it! It’s not uncommon for blogs to degenerate into rants and whining when people think they’ve got a captive audience! Always get your own posts sent to your email account. It doesn’t happen often, but every now and again a blog does get eaten and disappears! You want all your hard work backed up on the off chance you need to set it all up again. If you haven’t had a lot of writing experience, you may want to develop more skills in that area at TAFE or WEA classes. If you’re an artist you may not need or want to write long detailed posts, you can post new photos of your art and details about upcoming events instead.

Lastly, especially for other peer workers or people sharing personal information, if your blog is open to everyone try to keep that in mind when you post. All the same issues I touched on in how to share your story about not exposing yourself or giving more information than you can cope with apply. One way around this is to write under a pseudonym and not use names or photos so that your identity is protected. Another is to decide in advance what you will and wont share about, and stick to it. It can get a little tricky when you start out just having friends read your blog, and you can feel comfortable sharing a lot of information that later people you don’t know end up reading, so be careful. You can of course always edit or delete posts later on if you change your mind, but the general rule about the internet is that once it’s out there, you can’t really take it back.

On the off chance something does go terribly wrong and you do wish to delete your blog, please don’t use the simple ‘delete this blog’ option. Go through every post, delete all the writing, and save it. Otherwise you will be locked out of your blog, but it may continue to exist on the net for a long time. If you feel that a blog is too long and involved for your needs, I know of other peer workers who prefer twitter and other social media that allow them to share short bites of information, or to join bigger projects like Mindshare, so it may be worth considering those options instead. Good luck!

My Creativity talk went over well!

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

I’m super pleased, we had a great evening. There was moscato in the wine collection, and as I had a driver home I indulged myself. I was pretty exhausted today after such a huge non-stop week, and I’ve been reaching my limit of crowded venues, so I got there early to eat at subway for dinner and take it pretty slowly. I need to consider investing in a clicker for my powerpoints, I’m used to having a set up where my laptop is up on stage with me so I can navigate it myself. In this case, the projector was on a table at the back of the room, so I quickly roped in Mum to scroll through the slides for me. The projector was a bit fiddly – it’s always nerve wracking to discover apparently I’m the techie for the night. After some mucking about I ended up perching it on top of a box with a book under one foot to get it the right height. Jude sat on a chair in front to check that guests wouldn’t be blocking the projection, and we joked that as long as no really tall guys with hats sat there, we should be fine. A few minutes before my talk I realise that the tallest gentleman in the room, and the only one wearing a hat, is sitting directly in front of the projector! Murphy’s Law. He kindly moved off to the left and we were all good.

I did the 5 minutes well paced, I ran through it a number of times the previous night with a new countdown timer app on my phone, and every time I went over 5 minutes I cut out more material so I wouldn’t have to rush. The feedback was really good, I’d hoped to inspire people to continue being creative and a number of people said that’s what I’d done. The other guest speakers were great too, there was a lot of material to get through in one night but it didn’t feel long because it moved along quickly and everyone was interesting to listen to. The poems were great and the canvas’ they were painted on were fantastic! Then a number of us had a drink – or, in my case, a pistachio gelati mmmmmm in the cafe downstairs and yarned the night away. What an awesome wrap up to mental health week for me!

The final slide from my talk – about how creativity can aid communication, even when talking about mental health. Creativity can move conversations from clinical language and statistics, to sharing about heart and soul and meaning in a more personal and moving way. So, a very successful evening all round! Now for some serious relaxing over the weekend. 🙂

Poem – Dissociation Is

/ Sarah K Reece / 7 Comments

To touch life with gloves on
To sit at a banquet and taste only ash
The void into which I fall
Colours turning grey.

To touch life with gloves on
Nerves burned out by fire
A room with walls so thick I cannot hear the screaming
To sail my little boat away from shores of pain
To drown in that empty place
To feel dead.

To touch life with gloves on
Mirrors that lie to me
Memories that fall like snow
Not knowing if I’m dreaming or awake
To always be alone
To always be lost and looking for home.

To touch life with gloves on
To laugh at pain
To be wild with recklessness
To never flinch
To turn my face from the world
To stand in sunshine and see only night
To ask ‘are you there?’ and not hear the answer
To become so cold that I never feel cold again
To be haunted by life
To be forever falling
To touch life with gloves on.

Messenger Article!

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments
The Messenger article about me ran today! Not in my area, which is a bit unexpected and inconvenient. Does anyone live North and can you please save a paper for me?? Pretty please?

It’s also available online here. I’m so pleased with it. The photo is lovely too! (but see – no eyes!) That’s my studio, where a dining table would traditionally be. 🙂 What a lovely way to sum up my work – a collection of contrasts! I’m so thrilled!
Everybody drops the middle K from my name, so darn frustrating! But I’ve set up a LinkedIn profile now, so people doing a search for me will find that when they google Sarah Reece or Sarah K Reece, and through that they can find this blog. 🙂 Everything I write or produce will continue to have the K in it! I’ve been fighting this battle since primary school and I’m not about to give up now!
I’ve also finished my poppy shoes, with a touch of bead embroidery on the toes. It was surprisingly tricky to get a tiny beading needle all the way down inside the shoe for this – I had to use pliers several times because my fingers weren’t long enough! I’m really happy with the final product, they are so cheerful. 
Here they are, all ready for me to wear to the Mindshare launch today!

Ink Paintings – Creativity

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
Well, today I gingerly hoisted myself into my studio to work on my talk, still a bit worse the wear from the new fillings. On Thursday I’ll be giving a short talk as part of the Open Your Mind evening, which is very exciting and I’m really looking forward to the event! I was asked to bring a powerpoint with artwork on it, and after much deliberation decided to paint a new series of ink paintings especially for the occasion. I’ve done the storyboard and preliminary sketches, now here are the paintings, all hanging up to dry:

I’m really pleased with the effect, the blending technique I learned from a Chinese style of ink painting, which uses two brushes at the same time – one to load strong colour onto the paper, and the other to blend it softly. The sepia tone is ink, and the colours are Chinese paints layered on top once the ink has dried. This one is about how creative outlets such as art and writing can help to give you a voice:

I’m really pleased with them all! Very fiddly little creatures, ink paintings, but how I do love them. 🙂

Wednesday night is the big launch of a new blog, Mindshare. This is a huge exciting event, Mindshare will be a community blog with many different people contributing art, stories, poetry, and personal experiences with recovery from mental illness. I have some artwork on it, and will also be contributing there as a blogger! The launch is free and open to everyone, it will be a great chance to meet some of the people behind the blog, so do consider coming along!

See how the talk went, plus another ink painting in the series here.

Homelessness Art Award

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment

Wow, what an exciting evening! I was presented with an award this evening at the Emerging Artists Big Circle Arts Exhibition! It was for “a work that effectively captures an idea or feeling”, and came with a bag of goodies including a deeply appreciated gift voucher to Premier Art Supplies. That’s going to fill in a few more colours for my paint range and buy some new paper. 🙂 Here she is: Homelessness.

I’m so excited! I’ve been checking my memory all evening, and I think this is the first time I’ve won an award for an artwork. I’ve taken out a couple of highly commended and sold works on occasion, but my first award! I’m so thrilled, it was the best pain relief for my extremely sore mouth after three very deep fillings this afternoon.

It gets better – at the end of the evening I was informed the work had sold! Hurrah! I’m so very pleased. I have another 6 works on display for Mental Health week at The Box Factory, entry is free and the venue is disability friendly so please take a look.

My personal excitements aside, it was a great evening, music provided by the JMG band, some lovely brief speeches, (my nervous and slurry acceptance was not among them!) and wonderful poems and comedy by Kylie Harrison. I’m really enjoying having come to enough of these events that I can find familiar faces and people to chat with now. It was lovely to see you all!

Chinese Ink Painting

/ Sarah K Reece / Leave a comment
Well, a good morning’s work from me, settling my nerves before the dentist. I have three fillings to be done and my TMJ (stress related jaw pain) has been flaring all week, so I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve been doing exercises in a different style of ink painting from  my usual. Earlier this year I’ve been experimenting with Japanese style ink paintings, this morning I got out a gorgeous book on Chinese flower paintings.

And I’m rather pleased with the result:

It’s a very subtle kind of shading that may well suit the paintings for my new talk. A friend suggested the use of shadows and I really like the theme, so I’m exploring the use of gentle shading with inks. Have a good afternoon everyone, may see you tonight at the exhibition!

Exhibition and talk

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Phew! I’ve finally mapped out the structure and visuals for a talk I’ve been asked to do later this week. It’s for the Open Your Mind event, which is shaping up to be a great night with some awesome speakers and really good poetry. I’ve been working on a short presentation about the power of creativity in managing mental illness. Now to find some time over the week to paint, scan, construct and write the notes for it… Why are the shorter talks not any shorter to write??

Heat set the poppy shoes and now ready for some beading when I have a moment. 🙂

And a quick reminder that I have work in an Exhibition that opens Monday night! Free entry, open to everyone. I’ll be making a huge effort to be there after my dental appointment, the woozy one who looks like she’s been smacked in the mouth will be me. Would love to see you there. 🙂

Psychosomatic part 2

/ Sarah K Reece / 2 Comments

If you’ve just come to this page, it will make more sense if you start with part 1. 🙂

Too much emphasis on the physical:

Many people in my position with what seem to be physical illnesses are very upset if a doctor suggests that the condition may be psychosomatic. Sometimes they fight very hard to have the illness considered physical and refuse any approach that is geared to reduce stress or anxiety. When physical illnesses are characterised as ‘real’ and mental illnesses are seen as ‘weakness of character’, faking a problem for attention, or other demeaning ideas, we would all fight to have our problem seen as physical. When you add in issues such as trouble getting insurance for mental illnesses, doctors being dismissive of psychosomatic problems, and an emphasis on mindless optimism in the general culture that says everything is a case of ‘mind over matter’ and if you stay positive you’ll be fine, you can understand why the debate gets pretty heated.

Here’s the downside, even assuming that the condition is a physical one, treatments that aim to lower stress, anxiety, fear, depression and emotional pain will be helpful. Good doctors offer these kinds of treatments to people experiencing all kinds of debilitating physical health problems! If you’re going through cancer, arthritis, or heart disease, reducing stress is a great idea! In my experience, many of the treatments you try for your illness are quite inconvenient or even physically painful. I’ve done detox diets, skin scrubs, and all kinds of things it was hoped would help that actually increased my day to day pain level. Add to that a regular battery of tests, and life becomes pretty miserable.

In my case, I’ve got a fairly high tendency to somatize – that is, I often express overwhelming emotional pain as physical pain or illness. That’s very common for people who’ve experienced chronic trauma and who have dissociative conditions. Sometimes being chronically distressed and disrupted lowers your immune function so you catch everything going around. Other people are very prone to tension headaches or stress-induced skin conditions. Engaging as if these problems were physical actually made me worse, partly for the reasons outlined above, partly because I was always really scared that the next test would reveal something life-threatening, and partly because many of the treatments were geared to get me to ignore or drug my pain. If your physical pain is an expression of emotional pain, than ignoring it can make it worse. It just shouts louder as you try to tune it out. Some people in this situation end up dependent on high doses of pain medication, or symptom swapping, where as they learn to ignore one symptom, a new one takes it’s place. I now concentrate on healthy options that don’t hurt. Walks on the beach, going swimming, eating well, painting. Taking care of myself emotionally helps me give me the strength to manage all my conditions, whatever their cause. If we ignore our emotional well-being we don’t look after ourselves and we get tired and worn out when dealing with issues like chronic pain. Even scarier – if our problem really is psychosomatic, we won’t ever deal with heart of the problem and get better. I work hard now on expressing emotional distress through art, talking, journaling instead of waiting for it to get my attention through rashes, headaches, and muscle pain.

Too much emphasis on the emotional:

Swinging too far in the other direction also has problems. In the extreme, people do a complex blame-the-victim idea that puts the source of all illness squarely in the realm of unresolved emotional conflict. Any of us who’ve lost someone kind, caring, loving, and deeply alive to an illness knows how unfair those ideas are. Assessing all our problems as being psychological also leaves us vulnerable to the development of dangerous physical health problems that go undiagnosed. There is currently a lot of work being done by many people to address this misconception that people with mental illnesses don’t need regular assessments of their physical health. Many physical health issues like hormone troubles, thyroid problems and digestive issues can present like a mental illness. Assuming a psychological problem without proper investigations can leave someone struggling with chronic illness that doesn’t respond well to anything they try, when what they need is an accurate diagnosis and physical treatment. Some people discover they have food allergies or intolerances, trouble regulating their sugar levels, or sensitivity to lack of sleep. People who experience palpitations and chest pain as part of an anxiety issue still need to have their heart health checked! It becomes even more important to check physical health when emotional stress may mask the symptoms of a developing problem.

I’ve had personal experience with this too, I went through a year where I suffered random attacks of acute stomach pain. At the time this was presumed to be psychosomatic, caused by emotional distress. So each time it happened, I would wrack my brains trying to work out what was upsetting me. I would journal or talk about everything I could think of that might be causing such severe pain. Each attack lasted a number of hours before subsiding enough that I could sleep it off. One of them became so severe and lasted so long that I went to emergency. I explained that I’d had an incredibly stressful week and very little sleep so the problem was probably stress. They agreed until blood tests revealed a major infection, at which point I was scheduled for surgery. It turned out that I had been experiencing attacks of chronic appendicitis. The pain was not presenting in a typical way, so no one had thought to run a blood test. My manky appendix was removed and I learned a very important lesson about the dangers of making assumptions when it comes to health!

I hope that this may be of some help to you if you’re trying to work out what’s causing your troubles and how to react to them. Assuming that both physical and psychological factors might be at play may be safest route and treating for both can give you the best chance of quality of life. And don’t let anyone tell you that psychosomatic means it isn’t real!